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Reviewer: Defender Signed Date: 2010.07.19 - 12:45PM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
I'm in the middle of a novel, another fanfic, but I can't help but read this one. I like the start so far and it's looking like a great story!
Author's Response: Thanks for reading! I hope that you like the rest of it.
Reviewer: Kage James Signed Date: 2010.01.10 - 07:31PM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
Wasn't a necessary chapter. It interupted the flow of the story a little, but it was well written.
Reviewer: kbhend Signed Date: 2009.02.09 - 09:33AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
Hi,
I hope you can accept constructive criticism as it meant by the following ....
You seem to write descriptive passages well but the plot in this chapter is simply too inane to believe. Harry would never walk out of the Burrows wards without someone else along to help protect him. Nor would he go into a coffee shop and wait to be "caught".
Please rethink the story line. Using such a truly unbelievable device to get Harry simply ruins the story. Try to come up with a different but more realistic way for Harry to get caught. Don't use any of the cliched (got to save someone!) story lines and instead try for something new.
Rewriting Chapter 2 from scratch with a more believable reason will help the entire story.
Kevin
Author's Response: I appreciate your thoughts, and I can see that, to some, the concept of someone taking this kind of a walk is ridiculous.
However, I disagree. In this concept of the story, Harry is 16 when he goes for that walk. I remember being 16 and doing incredibly stupid things for no real reason. It happens. He isn't looking for trouble, he's just going for a walk and loses track of where he is. He wasn't waiting to be caught, he was having some breakfast while he sat down to think. That is all.
As for rewriting it, no, that's not going to happen. This is chapter two of a large fic that has 19 chapters and nearly 100k words in it already on the site, with a lot more in draft form.
Reviewer: Katastrophe Signed Date: 2008.09.26 - 12:28AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
Excellent story. Quite a nice twist on the usual bonding.
The only thing I would really like to point out is that Carrow's first name is spelled Amycus. I knew something looked off when I saw it, so I looked it up in book 6.
Definitely looking forward to more,
~Michelle~
Author's Response: Okay, color me embarrassed. I'll try to get that fixed soon.
Reviewer: Dizzydancer Signed Date: 2008.08.24 - 04:07AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
Why? The title of this chapter should be 'Stupidity'. They just both just walked out of the wards? I guess I can understand Ginny. What dark wizard could even use a patronus? But, Harry! A coffee shop? Where did he even get muggle money?
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Diz. :D Stupidity would be an excellent name for this chapter. :D
Reviewer: Nat2830 Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 08:45PM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
No Review
Author's Response: Thanks for reading!
Reviewer: harry_ginny1234 Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 07:08PM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
excellent story so far
keep up the good work
my only complaint is that the chapters are to short.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and rating!
Reviewer: dejr88 Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 04:37PM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
I just found your story and it is amazing! I love books and movies that grab you with something traumatic or exciting and then take you back to see what happened earlier. I like the premise of your story and am looking forward to reading more. kutgw
Author's Response: Thanks for reading! I like this premise a lot, myself.
Reviewer: skiutahnum1 Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 12:26PM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
what a fun way to start this crew off....what a way to get away...hope ginny can work with harry and allow herself some of the fun that is now aprt of them...kutgw
Author's Response: I hope that it continues to be fun for you!
Reviewer: hms42 Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 11:56AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
No Review
Author's Response: Thanks for the rating!
Reviewer: NotACat Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 11:47AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
Oho...the thick plottens...yea, verily, it plottens ;-)
Not much to say about this, it covers the lead-up to the previous chapter really very nicely.
The only jarring note is one which I encounter in many many places: the way Bella talks is very difficult to pull off. You've managed it somewhat better than certain people who think simply replacing every "r" with a "w" suffices, but there's a couple of sour notes (let's see if HTML works for this list, shall we? this could be disastrous...):
- "Ready to pway wiff me again, Hawwy?" ... I don't imagine he's going to want to pRay with Bella this side of her grave...
- "Shall we start in he’aw?" ... she turned into a donkey part-way through that sentence, and I don't think laughing at her is going to improve her temper...
Sorry to get nit-picky, but you might like to know, if I have to get this picky, I'm having to look hard for anything not quite right, so it's a good sign.
/me replenishes his pop-corn and awaits the next chapter
Author's Response: Thanks for reading. It's not just "r" that kids have trouble with. It's "l", "th", and other sounds, like umlauts. I just used them as well. I see this as Bella having been the oldest of three , and at one time or another, her little sisters had trouble with different sounds growing up. She played with them, and made fun of the way they talked sometimes, so she has a variety of odd sounds to make.
Reviewer: Macsr71 Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 10:25AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
Wonderful - it's almost like this chapter and the first should be reversed though, I understand you went with a backstory chapter here and used the first to grab attention but....well, what do I really know anyway.
Well done, it should be interesting to see how Ginny responds to being the Mrs. with a whole lot of daily wifely duties (damn, to be Harry in this story.......)
Author's Response: Chapter 3 is being validated. Some of the caring for the husband stuff shows up there. :D
Reviewer: lillylove Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 10:05AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
Very good story. Can't wait to see what happens.
Author's Response: More will be up soon.
Reviewer: Professor_Chris Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 07:03AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
Another great Chapter, not that it is nice to see Harry tortured but it could have beem much worse, if it had been Ginny... At least he didn't give in and now they are together.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Hope you like the next installment.
Reviewer: LeprechaunJV Signed Date: 2008.07.31 - 05:05AM Title: Chapter 2: Kidnapped
New & interesting. Glad to read Snape is actually good.
Author's Response: Thanks! Snape has to be good in at least some stories, right? :D
