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Reviewer: MollyandArthur Signed Date: 2015.12.13 - 08:22PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Well written chapter showing Harry convincing the goblins to help him destroy the cup.
Author's Response: I still think using the goblins was a bit cheesy, but it works, so what the hell?
Reviewer: riegert8 Signed Date: 2014.06.20 - 08:47PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
No Review
Reviewer: Hawk29 Signed Date: 2013.03.18 - 07:39PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
I'm enjoying the story so far. You're handling familiar events in a different manner without placing the same emphasis on it that most Fan Fiction does (example: Your story is not as of yet based around Hogwarts. Likewise, the Horcrux hunt happens, but it isn't the focal point of the story). As an avid fan fic reader, I greatly appreciate that. The number of times I read an alternate universe story that rewrites all of book one with a couple changes, then all of book two, then all of book three, then all of book four, and they don't deviate until 30 chapters in.... those stories are not fun to read at the start. You immediately deviate from the books in an enjoyable, canon-based way that doesn't ruin the setting or anything. Harry has some similar events happen but under different circumstances (threatening to chop off Sirius's head, as one example). It makes for a much better read, and it's appreciated.
I like your version of Harry being slightly distrusting, aggressive when needed, and not emotionally challenged to the point of incompetency. Those three things together always frustrate me. If the reader can forsee something terrible happening as a result of actions displayed in the main character's point of view, why can't the main character see it coming? You're treating the reader with a greater degree of respect by not foreshadowing the hell out of all Harry's mistakes.
Lastly, I don't know to what extent you plan to develop the political structure of the wizarding world in your story, but I like the inroads you've made with this chapter. The goblins in canon completely control the financial structure of the world and yet are disregarded as non-factors in canon and much of fan fiction. Harry's exposition to Rocktooth about the state of politics in the wizarding world was spot on and well-reasoned. It's my hope that you go into the political workings of the universe we're playing in and deal with more than just the blow-by-blow account of the war. At the end of the day, ridding the world of Voldemort doesn't make things wonderful for everybody. Remus Lupin would still have difficulty finding gainful employment were he alive. Dobby would still be treated like filth and abused if he were with the Malfoys. The centaurs would still be mistreated and regulated by a government that doesn't involve them. Muggleborn witches and wizards still have a great amount of discrimination to fight through merely so they can be judged upon their merit. At the end of Deathly Hallows, dozens of serious issues are left hanging with no mention made.
Anyway, thanks for writing the story so far. I plan to catch up tonight on the chapters you've released so far. I'm enjoying the story. Please keep your spirits up and continue writing (and releasing chapters). Thanks!
Author's Response: I’m glad you’re enjoying the story and thanks for all the reviews. I know I don’t beg for reviews as much as some authors, but I do very much appreciate them. I know exactly what you mean about the ‘canon re-write’ type of story. Some people think they have to include every single canon element and this can often come over as rather dull and unoriginal. That said, I’ve fallen into that trap myself. After I finished ‘Butterfly’, I started a story which would have been set at the start of GoF and heavily involved runic magic. I dug out my wife’s old books about Northern magic and rune casting, I made a list of all the runic symbols and their meanings, and I planned out the plot in a fair amount of detail. Two chapters into the story I scrapped the whole thing. I quickly realise I was re-writing GoF with a few changes thrown in. I was ‘ticking’ all the books main events and the whole thing was just boring. I may salvage certain elements of the story in future works but that story is a dead duck. In terms of Harry’s personality, I’ve tried to make him a product of his training and his relationships with those about him. I said at the start that this isn’t a SuperHarry! story (he’s had the crap kicked out of him too many times already for that) but he is a better trained and emotionally more mature person. The Japanese chapters in particular where written to help him achieve that. Regarding the political elements of the story I’m not going to say too much at this stage. Yes, we see the goblins again and we see a lot more of the Ministry in the later chapters as well. I am, however, very cynical about politics however and that may be reflected in how I leave the Wizarding World at the end of the story.
Reviewer: Arnel Signed Date: 2013.03.04 - 12:31AM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
I'm finally getting the image of the chess board in Dumbledore's office and was quite pleased when he took the black queen off the playing field. My heart goes out to Harry for how he tortures himself after he interrogates her; well done on that account, for the scene felt very real.
Your interview between Harry and Rocktooth was brilliant! I love how Harry's honesty and refusal to lie in any way paved the way for him to secure the cup; he treated Rocktooth with the respect a high-ranking, intelligent bank official deserves instead of how Sirius might have done by way of demands instead of courtesy. However, I disagree with the goblins; I think he does suspect something about his connection with Voldemort, but isn't ready to fully admit what he already knows. It's just going to take some time for him to acknowledge and accept what the goblins know.
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter.
Author's Response: The chess imagery just seems to fit in with Dumbledore’s character; the grand master controlling the lives and actions of everyone and, when required, sacrificing pieces. I’m very pleased with how the Goblins came out in the story and how they are seemingly a lot smarter than most wizards. Harry is most certainly aware of the connection but will he face up to what it means? In canon, Dumbledore speculated that Harry might have guessed he was a Horcrux but we never really get any hint of it from him. Maybe it’s just too big a thing for him to admit to himself?
Reviewer: SYLVELLE Signed Date: 2013.03.03 - 05:25PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
I very much enjoyed your introduction of the Goblins into the story. I like them very much I think they are very intelligent thinkers and fighters, able to use many tools to keep the profits flowing.
I am a bit disappointed that they did not deem it necessary to mention to Harry that he is a Horcrux, but it depends on the relationship doesn't it.
Look forward to more and more. All caught up, going on to the latest chapter.l
Author's Response: The Goblins still have no major reason to trust a wizard, even if they see great potential in Harry. Like Mr Schwarzenegger (and unlike his political career) they’ll be back!
Reviewer: carolyn jinn Signed Date: 2013.02.28 - 06:35PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Wow, what a great chapter.
Loved the way he 'seduced' the information out of Bella. He is, in a lot of ways, more mature than his age suggests. This would be because he was treated as an adult from the very beginning by the Flamels; lived in Japan where he is trained and expected to act like an adult learning a mature form of fighting; and since he has returned, he has been treated as an adult by those around him. (Except possibly Molly.). This would mature anyone.
I bet if Bella, actually was able to follow through with the seduction, he would have run as fast as he could and as far as he could.
I'm glad Harry has made a good impression with the goblins. They have always seemed like a race to have either on your side or, at least, not on the other side.
Author's Response: You’ve pretty much summed up my ideas behind this chapter. Harry has had very few people in his life that have ever treated him like a child – even the Dursleys dumped more responsibility on him than any child would normally have. Would you trust a child to cook and clean? From that point he’d been with people who treated him as an adult. As pointed out, I perhaps made him a bit too worldly and knowledgeable in how to seduce an older woman but it was so much fun to write that I couldn’t resist. Maybe this will mean he’ll be a bit more forward when he bumps into an attractive young redhead perhaps.
Reviewer: Emlyn Signed Date: 2013.02.28 - 06:41AM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Umm, how have we gone from June back to March? The dates seem a bit skewed between the last chapter and this one. I can't imagine Harry's interrogation techniques endeared him to Dumbledore. Doesn't seem like the type of thing to make Dumbledore trust him. Poor Harry - what a thing to realise about yourself. It was obviously nauseating. I enjoyed the Goblin interaction. Interesting that although they are aware he is a Horcrux, they still put him through that, but it sounds like they've written him off - nor surprising. If they expect him to die, why did they bother? Sirius is a good example of all that Harry has been saying. Not that he's a bad person, and he's more tolerant than most, but....yeah, Harry's right.
Author's Response: Damn! I knew putting those dates in there was going to come back and bite me on the bum! Basically, earlier in the story I realised I’d compressed some of Harry’s training too tightly and moved the dates out a bit. Somehow this chapter got missed. Thanks for pointing it out and I have now fixed it. The point about why did the Goblins bother giving Harry the third degree is a good one. Primarily, they wanted to establish that Harry himself wasn’t going to go dark. What would have happened if he decided to join forces with Voldemort? Sounds far-fetched but the Goblins have little reason to trust wizards. In addition, they wanted to hide their level of knowledge and their ultimate intentions until they were sure about the person they were dealing with. If they’d have just handed over the cup as soon as Harry walked in it would have looked very odd.
Reviewer: HP18 Signed Date: 2013.02.28 - 02:31AM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
As always excellent chapter. And you're right Harry really needs a girlfriend if he thought that way about Bellatrix.
Author's Response: Oh, I’m sure he never thought of her as a girlfriend. It was just a mucky little teenage fantasy. I still have them and I’m forty-five.
Reviewer: nesciamema Signed Date: 2013.02.28 - 12:57AM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Where's Ginny? And is she going to throw a wrench in Dumbledore's plans...
Author's Response: Okay, you lot are just doing this to wind me up now, aren’t you? ;-)
Reviewer: Mistress_Lrigtar Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 11:32PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Nice job. I liked Harry's methods for interrogating Bellatrix, although I find some of his actions to be extremely mature for his age. If I am going by what you have written, yes, he would be well versed in battle techniques, but has he really had the sexual experiences to understand how to seduce Bellatrix as he sort of did in order to get what he wanted from her? His only relationship was several years ago when he was young and it was quite tame and innocent. Just my two cents.
I really liked the goblins and how astute they were, as well as knowing things not even wizards seem to know, ie. Harry's a Horcrux. I agree that I think they would be much more intelligent and savvy, and not really as savage and greedy as they have been made out in other stories. I think readers are basing all goblins on Griphook's actions, but all races and species have their bad eggs' it doesn't make them all bad.
Author's Response: I suppose that I could argue that this Harry is a lot more mature, after all, since he left Cornwall he’s been constantly in the company of adults who, on the large, have treated him as another adult. True, he hasn’t got much in the way of sexual experience, but he was pretty much just living out a dark, forbidden fantasy in what was pretty much a safe environment. If, by some strange quirk of fate, he’d been left alone with a healthy Bellatrix who really was intent on seducing him he probably would have run a mile. That said, I probably did write Harry a bit too mature in that scene but what the hell, it was fun!
Reviewer: Tron Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 08:59PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Thank you for another great chapter.
As I suspected, Harry turned the tables on Bella and was able to get the information he needed. I must say, I was impressed with the way he handled the situation. He did not lie to her, he was very straight-forward. He stated the fact that she was dying and made sure she knew it. Basically, he charmed her into telling him what he needed to know. That was very well done!
Dumbledore's little chess match is really disturbing. He talks about Bella being crazy when he's nutty as a fruit cake himself. This really shows just what he thinks of everyone. Game pieces to be sacrificed as needed.
I like the way you presented the goblins. In the books, we were always given strong reasons why you should never try to cheat them or steal from them. I always thought about them as standing united as a group/nation to survive - to fight for their fellow goblins. Not once were they ever described as stupid or lazy. Harry was correct in his honest approach to them.
Just curious here, but how many chapters will we be without Harry starting with chapter 18?
I look forward to the next chapter. Happy writing and keep up the good work.
Author's Response: I was really pleased at how the ‘interrogation’ came out as what you read was pretty much my first draft. I really thought I was going to have to work at that bit but the conversation just flowed quite naturally. The chess imagery was something I really wanted to work into the story and I think it works quite well. You’ll recall I set it up as far back as the Japanese chapters when I had Harry refer to himself as a ‘pawn of prophecy’ – see, I don’t just throw this together, you know. From chapter 18 we will spend just 3 chapters covering Ginny’s backstory. Quite simply, she’s had a lot less happen to her. Of those 3 chapters, 1 includes a retelling of her time in the CoS from Ginny’s POV. Basically, it won’t be that long before a certain green-eyed, sword-wielding young man meets a brown-eyed, flamed-haired young woman.
Reviewer: skiutahnum1 Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 07:04PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
I think the goblins would look for any deal and they found it in Harry...but they should know better then to not bet on Harry in the end.....kutgw
Author's Response: We’ll certainly be seeing more of the Goblins and they’ll know which side to be on.
Reviewer: jojo99 Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 03:52PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Great chapter. When will Harry realise he's a Horcrux, I wonder? I really enjoyed the scene with Bella and Harry - even though Sirius and Dumbledore thought it was a bit off - he did it well and then reacted in the way he should have.
Author's Response: Thank you. Harry is pretty sure there’s a link between him and Voldemort but he’s just not sure what that means exactly. It may take him a while to figure out. Sirius’s reaction to the interrogation was more disgust at Bellatrix rather than anything Harry had done and even Dumbledore was more surprised than disappointed. This certainly wasn’t something that canon Harry would ever have done.
Reviewer: Birlan Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 02:34PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
You show Harry who has had a very different upbringing than canon--and that shows in his actions in this chapter. I mean that as a compliment. Thanks for being so creative with your approach.
I look forward to reading more.
Author's Response: People’s personalities are often shaped by experience and obviously ‘this’ Harry has had a very different upbringing to the one he had in canon. The difficulty I have is making sure he’s still recognisable as ‘Harry’. The thing that always strikes me about the books is that JKR really writes Harry as a rather underdeveloped character. Yes, we know he likes treacle tart and Quidditch, he hates the Dursleys and Voldemort, but you get very little description of the boy himself. He spends more of his time reacting to situations and people and most character development is of other people. Harry is quite a blank page really so it does enable others (like me) to fill in the gaps a bit. Which is nice.
Reviewer: Marinka Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 02:26PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
I think you are right about goblins, they would have to be political creatures to survive and prosper in wizarding world. And with Harry and Bella it is understandable that he is attracted to her physical side, he is really starved from the lack of female company. I am surprised though how smoothly he operated during interrogation, i wonder if this is because he was not interested in her as a partner? I suspect it would be different with a girl he is interested in.
Author's Response: I think you’re right in assuming Harry’s ‘smooth’ operating style when interrogating Bella was partly a result of him living out a dark, little fantasy. Of course, he paid for it afterwards but we males are used to doing things we’re ashamed about later. Or is that just me?
Reviewer: HeroInTheWings731 Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 02:07PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Great chapter. I loved Harry's disgusting interrogation of Bellatrix and his shame afterwards, as well as his conversation with Rocktooth.Isn't the power quote supposed to be absolute instead of total? Also, from Rocktooth's last line, does he believe that Harry is destined to die because of the Horcrux in his head? Keep up the good work
Author's Response: Hey, you can’t expect a Goblin to get a Muggle quote completely correct now, can you? Clearly the Goblins are fully aware of what a Horcrux is and what it does, so yes, they assume Harry has to die to dispose of Voldemort. You can also assume that knowledge tempered Rocktooth’s conversation with Harry and his decision to help him. They’re smart little buggers!
Reviewer: mdauben Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 01:56PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Another interesting chapter. I liked the way Harry interrogated Belletrix and his conversation with the goblins. Looking forward to your next update!
Author's Response: I really think I did the right thing by watering down Harry’s reaction to Bella. My first draft of this part of the story was a lot more extreme and I think I overdid it a bit. Is it even possible to masturbate and cry at the same time?
Reviewer: Aurorofthelight Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 12:38PM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
This story gets more brilliant with every chapter, mate!!! I don't think Harry would have been tempted by Bella, that girl he wants to find has red hair -- wink wink! ;) ;) Looking forward to his discovery! Can't wait for the next one.........don't be long!!!!!
Author's Response: Harry’s moral compass is far too strong to allow him to be too taken with Bella. He is, however, still a teenage boy and subject to all the involuntary urges that entails! Next chapter is with my beta as we speak and will represent something of an ending to this part of the story. Things will change rapidly after then. Glad you’re enjoying it so much!
Reviewer: potterfan2008 Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 11:11AM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
Great chapter! I can totally see Harry acting as he did in the beginning and not being sure how to feel afterwards. I really like his take on the wizarding world and his observations about Dumbledore are spot on. Your take on the goblins is great and I love the line at the end - do you think he knows he's s Horcrux? Excellent!
Author's Response: When I sat down and plotted out this story I was initially a bit reluctant to involve the Goblins much. Too many other ‘classic’ stories have involved them heavily and I didn’t want to follow that well-worn path. The more I thought about it, however, I realised that as I had incorporated so many tradition HP story elements (Horcruxes, Hallows, CoS, etc.) putting in another wasn’t going to hurt! So, again, I’ve tried to take something that loads have people have used many times before and give it my own spin. Now, maybe it’s because I happen to work for a bank that I decided I would make the Goblins much smarter and savvier than they are normally written, but it did fit into the plot quite well. Are the Goblins actually the ‘power behind the throne’ of the Wizarding world? What would they do if an intelligent Minister for Magic was elected? Why am I asking you these questions??
Reviewer: zeta_one Signed Date: 2013.02.27 - 10:48AM Title: Chapter 16 – Dark Desires of My Traitorous Heart
I like your view on the Goblins. They run the banking system, they can be vicious, but I see them as highly intelligent. They put up with wizards to screw them over without them knowing it or them knowing it.
I think a little foreshadowing with the interrogation would help sell it better. We have see Harry go off on Slughorn and threaten Snape, nothing to show he can manipulate like Dumbledore.
Excellent chapter.
Thanks for sharing.
Author's Response: I think I agree with you a little on the foreshadowing thing. I was a bit torn as to how to present this bit as I wanted it to come as a big surprise. Certainly my beta Tom agrees with you and suggested I put a little extra discussion in the last chapter’s end explaining Harry’s thinking, but I decided to add a bit more explanation at the end. I’m not sure I’d call what Harry did manipulative exactly; more that he did what he felt was necessary knowing what the stakes were. Bella was an evil woman who was already going to die, and Harry knew that getting information regarding the Horcrux could potentially save many lives. Dumbledore’s manoeuvrings in this story are very different and a lot more Machiavellian. He has a vision for the whole of the Wizarding world and will sacrifice anything and anyone to achieve it. Besides, wasn’t Harry just voicing his darkest fantasy?
