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SIYE Time:1:51 on 17th August 2017


Reviewer: sdourse Signed Date: 2016.10.21 - 10:37AM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

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Ouch, harsh review!

Personally it looks like there's more to the story than the usual powerful OC narrative, but I do see Elle's point about the characters. The bad guys are way over the top; the authority figures are very cliche in their unsupportiveness, and your heroes / heroines just seem a bit... colorless?

It's a bit like the difference between cold line drawings, compared to the nuanced brush strokes that a fair number of authors on this site give us.

I think I'm going to put this story aside for now. You really might consider reading some of the other authors here to get a feel for how they 'connect'. Connect with readers; connect with characters. This story has potential, but it could use some careful thought and rewriting.

Good luck!

P.S. There are quite a few grammatical errors, some problems with quotation mark placement, and some odd turns of phrase. E.g., the narrator said about Harry that "there were very little people who liked him". This means he's popular in Lilliput? Oh, and nearly all of this chapter is italicized.



Reviewer: ebdenis Signed Date: 2016.10.13 - 05:54AM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled

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Eh? I can't recall the last time I read something quite so meaningless as your description of Selene's accent. Given how diverse the different dialects are in the UK, it's already meaningless to suggest that she sounds 'quite British', but then to say "not at all" basically pins her down to somewhere between Capetown, the Bronx, Shetland Islands and Madras. Next time you might consider figuring out what you really mean, then just say it, rather than tossing off some pretentious vacuity.

Then there's the story. In the first chapter you showed us a lot of generally unlikeable antagonists. Fine. But in this one, we get colourless, bland and unlikeable protagonists. I think I preferred the villains.

Sorry, bad me - I shouldn't be negative, but when I try to read a terse and tedious story, it makes me edgy.

Does it get better as it progresses?



Reviewer: ebdenis Signed Date: 2016.10.12 - 08:36AM Title: Chapter 1: Arrangement

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Wellll. Doesn't take you long to get angry at almost every character in canon, does it?

The mysterious, powerful, external character pulling strings has been done to death in fanfic, and your tic-like repetition of simple phrases like 'little girl' and 'turned the page' gets old, but I'll give it another chapter or two to see if the story starts to resonate.



Reviewer: MisterBlack Signed Date: 2016.08.03 - 05:11AM Title: Chapter 9: Hearts on Fire

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Damn.

Now this is what I am talking about. The story is really picking up now. Oh, man... this is GREAT! I absolutely love the picture you painted on how the war began and how it escalated. I find JK Rowling to be an amazing author but not even she did such a good job in that regard. You really made it scary as it should be.

It is obvious that Melchior has learned a lot from that war and in a way he is teaching them to fight like Voldemort would... in the shadows.

Okay but I am really confused now and that probably has to do with time passing by since I read the first few chapters. So apparently Harry did not know about the Fidelius charm but he still trusted Sirius?

I would imagine if he believed Sirius to be innocent then the story must be told and he must understand about the Fidelius charm and how it works and how he wasn't the traitor.

Either way... this just proves something else. If Fred and George had been following Ginny and Harry around then it is safe to assume that they know the truth and that Harry did not kidnap Ginny. She obviously went on her own accord and obviously trusted Sirius, right?

AM I being too hopeful? Fred and George got to know Harry in school so they must know he is not evil or anything.

Author's Response: Yeah, we're nearing the end now. Hang in there! I'm glad you liked the start of the war. I always liked the history classes about the world wars. Yes, Melchior has learnt a lot, but has he seen too much? About Harry trusting Sirius: it's a combination of Harry desperately wanting family and Sirius not telling the full details of the story. But we'll go into more detail on that encounter later in the story at some point. Don't worry! About Fred and George: don't you ever have a lot of negative thoughts about feeling alone in this world, and then someone does something for you and it warms your heart beyond imagining? Yeah, I think Harry's due for something like that. He tends to think a bit negatively about other peoples' perception of him.



Reviewer: MisterBlack Signed Date: 2016.08.03 - 04:27AM Title: Chapter 8: The Pupil

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Oh, come on! Stop being such a tease! You write up this amazing story and feed us little grains here and there enough to entice our curiosity but you never give us anything big!

It was just getting good and you stop! I feel like Harry right now.

Honestly though I have no idea what to think of Melchior. Selene seems like she is a fun girl but it is obvious she has trauma of her own. As for Harry and Ginny just simply forgetting about Melchior's secret... I don't know. I am a little suspicious here. Could they have been drugged or manipulated somehow? I mean why would they just suddenly forget about it?

Forgetting Daphne is obviously something that will not happen naturally. She seems to be well engraved in Harry's heart. Something will have to happen , right? Perhaps he learns some new facts about her or perhaps a certain little red head comes running from left field and steals him away?

I am still somewhat lost on what exactly is happening and what it is they are going to do. What is their end goal really? They just cannot run for the rest of their lives.

Author's Response: Oh you want something big, do you? Be careful what you wish for ;) Don't worry, Ginny will capture Harry's heart. Patience is a virtue, but sadly, Ginny isn't known to be patient and cool.



Reviewer: MisterBlack Signed Date: 2016.08.03 - 03:07AM Title: Chapter 7: Groundwork

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Well congratulations you managed to keep my interest during that Earth Science lecture. You definitely did a lot better than my teacher did considering I always fell asleep in that class.

Then again you had the advantage of having such an interesting tale. I can start connecting the dots though. You talk about time passing by and Harry getting used to the place and with time forgetting about his troubles. Then you talk about wards and protections and the possibility of some DE from the past knowing that precise location and attempting to break in and failing due to it's protections.

Finally, you finish off with a lecture about these mysterious stones and how they can aid in traveling similar to how a portkey works.

I feel like you are telling us something here. Should we expect an attack soon? :P

I am having fun though. I have to admit I am hoping Ginny and Harry start working towards their relationship soon. Perhaps I should take Melchior's lesson to heart and have patience. I am still a bit lost on what will happen next. If Harry is in hiding then what does that mean for Voldemort? Will he still be able to use the boy to come back to his own body?

Will he be forced to use another wizard? Somehow despite the differences from canon I have a feeling that specific part will remain the same.

Author's Response: Hey, one of the most important things in teaching is keeping your students interested. Shame on your earth science teacher! Seeing as Harry and Ginny are 12 and 13 at the moment, I don't see them developing a good relationship yet. But never say never! When the time is right, even when the hour is the darkest and you feel lost, there will always be love and warmth, hiding in the most unwelcome places. About your last point... ehehe.



Reviewer: MisterBlack Signed Date: 2016.08.03 - 02:23AM Title: Chapter 6: Play

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" Right before he fell asleep that night, he still felt content from the story Sirius had told him. As was his and Ginny's way of saying goodnight for a couple of nights now, he softly rapped the wall that separated them. A few moments later he heard Ginny do the same from her side. Smiling, he turned around, pulled in his legs and curled up into a ball. "

This part was amazing and it too made me smile.

The subtlety behind their growing relationship is what I like most. Harry isn't instantly falling in love with Ginny but you can tell that through their little quirks such as the one outlines above that they are very close. When it comes to relationships I think less is more and I am happy to see that you as an author gets that.

With that said I have to admit it was kind of sad towards the end there. It is unfortunate Harry was not able to play Quidditch but it makes sense and the reasons behind it are realistic. I am happy to see that choices and events have certain consequences here.

Ginny was absolutely adorable. She can be feisty but she is ferocious when it comes to things she cares for deeply. Harry is really blind not to notice the wonderful girl he has in front of him. It can't be helped though.

Excellent chapter, BFM.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the kind words! I'm really glad you like the characters.



Reviewer: MisterBlack Signed Date: 2016.08.02 - 11:23PM Title: Chapter 5: Babble Bonanza

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This is bittersweet in a way.

I feel very conflicted. As a huge Harry/Ginny shipper I have to admit that having Harry think so much of Daphne just irritates me. It makes me want to jump into the story and shake the boy to his senses.

At the same time I can sympathize. I was once his age too and it is understandable how he feels. To him this is his first girlfriend and very special in many ways. She is one of the few people that talk to him normally and don't try to bully him. It is natural for him to feel this way towards her.

At the same time you have to ask yourself why not Ginny? Well... I can only say that it is probably not the right time. He probably had some feelings for Daphne before Ginny came into the picture as a friend so naturally it is difficult to notice what is in front of you when your gaze is focused on something else.

With that said I do hope he wises up and realizes soon what he is missing out on. I feel for Ginny. This must be hard on her and she is very brave to try and keep from going crazy. I hope Harry soon realizes just how selfish he is being.

I can't help but wonder if the weather and conditions are some how there to illustrate just how dark and horrible Harry's life is right now. Perhaps when things get better the weather will improve?


:P



Reviewer: Prongs I Signed Date: 2016.08.01 - 06:35AM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

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Oh, this was a surprising end. I think Ginny was hit hardest of them. I suspect that neither the Ministry nor Molly will treat her well. I hope that she can somehow sneak away. And what about Selene?
And now I wait impatiently for the second part.



Reviewer: carolyn jinn Signed Date: 2016.07.28 - 08:30AM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

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Excellent tale.
As all the other reviewers have asked the questions, I don't think I will repeat them.
The only thing to say is...Please upload the next part, soon.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'll do my best!



Reviewer: Gin110881 Signed Date: 2016.07.26 - 10:57AM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

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It seems that we have more questions than answers after the first part of your tale.
I'm curious how you'll get Ginny back into the game. Will Selene free her, and bring her to one of Melchior's other houses? And maybe Harry and Sirius, too? Or will Ginny escape on her own? But how will she find Harry and Sirius? But why should she look for them at the first place? I don't think that Harry will try the free Ginny. He is too busy bragging with his shield spells and how'd escaped. And Sirius is a nursing case of his own. I don't think that he'll be of help. He is the one who needs help. I don't trust his abilities.
Melchior's death was a real surprise. Somehow I have the feeling that Selene will be the key to reunite the trio now.
I'm curious what Daphne has written in her letter to Harry? Is it a farewell letter? I hope that we'll know soon...
And, even more important, I'm curious when you'll reveal the secret behind Ginny's and Harry's friendship. Although I must admit that I'm at a point now where I think that Ginny deserves someone better than Harry. She will always feel like the distant second if Harry will really notice her sometime in the remote future.
Who was in Melchior's hut during the explosion? Certainly, someone between nobody and all of the Aurors. I hope that the Norwegian Ministry has the spine to call for a punishment of the Aurors.
Anyway, a big THANK YOU for the first part of an intriguing tale. I sincerely hope that the next couple of month will be a busy time for you so you'll provide us with all the badly needed information very soon ;-)

(btw., the story is still marked as not completed.)


Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I really appreciate extensive reviews like this one! But I'm afraid you'll have to wait for the answers. Rest assured, the story will unfold, and we'll see soon enough just why it belongs on siye.co.uk! Hope to see you back for the next part!



Reviewer: MollyandArthur Signed Date: 2016.07.26 - 07:32AM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

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Wow, quite the action packed ending. Melchior's death was sudden and horrible. I'm glad that Selene was elsewhere, although I don't know how or when Harry and Sirius will manage to reconnect with her. Then, of course they still have Ginny to worry about. They are still wanted men, and I can't imagine where they will go now. You left us with so many questions. Did Tonks perish in the blast? How many aurors were still in the house when it blew up? Some, all? I guess my biggest immediate concern is Ginny. Can her family protect her from the Ministry? Looking forward to the next section of this story.

Author's Response: The first chapter of part 2 should answer most of the questions you asked here, so clench those buttcheeks tight! It's coming along, but it does take some time.

Author's Response: The first chapter of part 2 should answer most of the questions you asked here, so clench those buttcheeks tight! It's coming along, but it does take some time.



Reviewer: Dad Signed Date: 2016.07.26 - 05:27AM Title: Chapter 11: Awry




Author's Response: ...and the empty space to finish it off. Perfect!



Reviewer: Dad Signed Date: 2016.07.26 - 05:26AM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

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Author's Response: And 5 stars woo!



Reviewer: Dad Signed Date: 2016.07.26 - 05:25AM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

Big ending.



Author's Response: Thanks! But it's just the beginning... ;)



Reviewer: RighT3rantZ Signed Date: 2016.07.26 - 12:03AM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

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Noooo! A cliffhanger? With BFM pulling a GRRM on completion time....smh, lol

You should be quite pleased with your work so far.

Regarding the last chapter, I was expecting an actual outcry of Leeeeroy Jaaankins. It would have been completely asinine in the context of the story, but that much funnier.

Author's Response: Long live cliffhangers! Thank you for the compliment! But I'd like to keep the story at least mildly serious. Jokes are for in the reviews and chapter titles.



Reviewer: skiutahnum1 Signed Date: 2016.07.25 - 04:53PM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

So you just killed tonks off with everyone else....wow you do have it cold for everyone agasit harry at the moment....hope peter was caught in the blast.....kutgw

Author's Response: We'll see soon enough happened to Peter. And if you think this was evil, well...



Reviewer: Aurorofthelight Signed Date: 2016.07.25 - 02:00PM Title: Chapter 11: Awry

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Holy cow! This isn't awry it's one BIG FAT MESS! The Aurors murdered Melchior(sniff) but I hope Harry didn't actually kill Tonks! This may be the mother of all cliffhangers! Harry and Sirius are fugitives again, Ginny is stuck at Hogwarts, Selene doesn't have a clue her father figure is dead and we all have to suffer angst until the next installment! Evil you are! ;) :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Author's Response: Hehe, thank you for reading! The next part is coming along (slowly).



Reviewer: skiutahnum1 Signed Date: 2016.07.23 - 07:59PM Title: Chapter 10: Leroy Jenkins

I hope harry and buckbeak make it to the rock safely but something tells me siruis and ginny are both in big trouble at the moment.....everyone should have gone ont he mission but i understand why they didnt.....kutgw

Author's Response: Oh, there's big surprise coming... thanks!



Reviewer: Gin110881 Signed Date: 2016.07.23 - 05:21AM Title: Chapter 10: Leroy Jenkins

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Seems that the story gains momentum now. A lot happened in this chapter that will probably determine the further course of events in the story.

Sirius wasn't helpful at all when the Aurors appeared. He should've trained with Ginny and Harry instead of lazing around all winter. I hope that the Auror who executed Ginny with this head shot has to suffer for his atrocity later in the story. Now I'm afraid that Ginny will be out of the story for a longer time. OK, Harry won't miss her very much. He's quite self centered and busy whining about Daphne most of the time.

I'm just pondering, at which point in the story we are now. Apparently, it's still the same situation as at the end of chapter one, only that the trio is a duo now, supposing that Sirius is able to flee. Considering that Ginny is more reasonable than the other two together the situation is even worse. But maybe Selene still has a surprise at her sleeves. We will see...

All in all it's been a great chapter. thank you!

Author's Response: Thank you for the extensive review! We're nearly at the end of part 1 of 3. No, Sirius wasn't helpful at all, but that also has something to do with Harry's usual antics. I mean, fighting 12 Aurors head on? What a guy. As for Harry missing Ginny, they do say that you don't know what you have until it's gone. About that Auror who stunned her like that getting his comeuppance: you have no idea ;).




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