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Reviewer: ebdenis Signed Date: 2016.10.13 - 05:54AM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
Eh? I can't recall the last time I read something quite so meaningless as your description of Selene's accent. Given how diverse the different dialects are in the UK, it's already meaningless to suggest that she sounds 'quite British', but then to say "not at all" basically pins her down to somewhere between Capetown, the Bronx, Shetland Islands and Madras. Next time you might consider figuring out what you really mean, then just say it, rather than tossing off some pretentious vacuity.
Then there's the story. In the first chapter you showed us a lot of generally unlikeable antagonists. Fine. But in this one, we get colourless, bland and unlikeable protagonists. I think I preferred the villains.
Sorry, bad me - I shouldn't be negative, but when I try to read a terse and tedious story, it makes me edgy.
Does it get better as it progresses?
Author's Response: Man, harsh review. Thanks for taking the time to point what's bothering you. Only fair if I do the same, even if it's almost a year later. :P Your point about the protagonists is a fair point. When I wrote this, I had 0 experience, and plot trumped everything for me. Without exception. I didn't care as much about the characters and making them actually life-like, and that was a mistake. When I rewrite it, I'll certainly rectify that as best as I can. About your remark with the accent: funny that something at that time I wrote without a second thought is someone else's pet peeve. It's a good point, though. Thanks for pointing it out.
Reviewer: skiutahnum1 Signed Date: 2016.07.17 - 07:27AM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
Well they are in a strange land but at lease they are safe for now...and away from albus...kutgw
Reviewer: carolyn jinn Signed Date: 2016.06.26 - 12:05AM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
No Review
Author's Response: Thank you very much!
Reviewer: Gin110881 Signed Date: 2016.06.25 - 12:18PM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
Although Melchior and Selene rescued the trio they remain quite obscure. It is good that they don't trust them so easily. I'm pretty sure that they're hiding a lot from them, and if they told them their real names. I wonder if Selene is an Animagus, too. We will see.
And regarding your response to my review of chapter 1, I always thought that it was Toms piece of soul in Harry that made the Sorting Hat consider placing Harry into Slytherin, as a kind of a first clue about the horcrux in Harry.
Many thanks for another intriguing chapter. There's still a lot to clarify in the next chapters, lol.
Author's Response: Melchior and Selene are obscure on purpose. There will be little breadcrumbs on their backstories here and there, and in the end it should be clear why Melchior is who he is. About the Horcrux: yes, that's a good explanation for the Sorting Hat wanting to put Harry in Slytherin. But Horcrux is used so often in fanfic, isn't it? ;)
Reviewer: Aurorofthelight Signed Date: 2016.06.24 - 07:27PM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
Another intriguing chapter! Melchior and Selene are certainly an interesting pair! At first I thought they'd turn out to be Tonks and Hagrid but obviously not! At least the trio is in safe hands! Can't wait to know more about their saviors and what's going on!
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Author's Response: Tonks and Hagrid? Eh, I can see where you're coming from. They're very, very different, though! And about the trio being in safe hands: don't look a given horse in the mouth. They'll find out soon enough. Thanks for the review!
Reviewer: MollyandArthur Signed Date: 2016.06.24 - 06:26PM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
Another interesting chapter. Clearly Melchior and Selene have a great deal of knowledge about Voldemort and about what is happening in Britain generally. I am not surprised that they are all being cautious, though I believe if I were Ginny, I would have demanded to share a room with Harry and Sirius rather than a stranger. You have a wonderfully descriptive writing style though I did notice a few editing errors. I am eager to see what will happen next in this story.
Author's Response: Editing errors? NOOOOO!!! I'll reread this chapter and kink out the wrongs then! Yes, Melchior and Selene are scarily well informed, aren't they? Especially Melchior has his reasons, though. As for sharing a room with a stranger, it's either that or sharing a room with a *boy*. She's caught between a rock and a hard place. Thank you very much for the review!
Reviewer: MisterBlack Signed Date: 2016.06.24 - 02:56PM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
The mystery continues it seems. Once again you have managed to give us enough to pique our interest and keep reading but not enough to give the whole plot away. That is excellent writing. There are some who would rather let the cat out of the bag early on and well stories can become a bit boring like that. Even in the original books you did not know everything.
Anyway...
it seems to me that they are all skirting around what happened. So Harry is 13 years old and he is in his 3rd year while Ginny is obviously in her 2nd. I could be wrong about the timing but based on this paragraph I think I am right:
"He leafed through the pages, and Harry saw the past years of his life flash by. "But it just kept on getting stranger. The Philosopher's Stone, Dumbledore going massively out of his way to protect you, attacks at Hogwarts, and ultimately that altercation in the Chamber of Secrets." Now it was Ginny's turn to shift nervously. "And then you escape from Azkaban, Mr Black."
Okay... so Sirius Black escapes and obviously Harry and him begin their relationship as Godfather and Godson. This would mean he escaped at the same time but he and Harry forged a bond rather quickly OR Sirius Black escaped a lot earlier than in the original books because this paragraph suggests Harry trusted Sirius from the beginning:
"Harry and Sirius deposited their backpacks in the room. Harry had bought them for him and Sirius last summer, when he and Sirius stayed at the Leaky Cauldron. It had been nerve-wracking, staying at Diagon Alley with a convicted criminal who was disguised as a dog all day, but they weren't caught."
----
I guess it is possible it is the 4th year but then if you go back to the first quoted paragraph it talks about the attacks and CoS as if it were only a year ago which is more inline with the timing for the 3rd book. You mention nothing of the triwizard tournament or anything so I am assuming that if it is the 4th year and not the third then that event never happened.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione go out to the caves during their 4th year so I am just guessing these events are happening earlier and with different people.
It is pretty obvious Harry was being followed around by more than just this guy. It is still curious why they would think Ginny was kidnapped. I am assuming she tried to fight back and help Harry.
It is all very interesting though. This guy's motives are still in question. He may be worried of course but why go through all the trouble he had to go through to abduct them? No, there is more to it.
As for the training... well... I want to see how they handle the issue of underage magic. It seems Harry Potter would have benefited from home schooling than going to Hogwarts. No one seems to trust him. Well.. except for Ginny and Sirius.
I do not know yet how you are going to portray Dumbledore. Many authors prefer to make him the next Dark Lord with his scheming and plotting. I happen to disagree with that portrayal. I know he is not innocent and perhaps he did plot but he never did it to fulfill some prophecy like some suggest.
If we remember from the books, Dumbledore had warned Harry against believing such nonsense. Harry in the end had a choice to fight Voldemort or run. It seems in your story you are portraying him pretty much like the books which is so far a good thing. If he has any trust issues concerning Harry then it is more to do with miscommunication and misunderstanding than it is him being evil and wanting to control Harry.
For this I give two big thumbs up!
Well done on a second chapter. I eagerly await the next.
Author's Response: Hey, thank you very much for the review, and I'm very, very happy that you're into this story!
I'm debating whether to write something more to explain the situation in the past years a bit more, just to give you some more clarity. Just to give you at least a bit more sense of structure here: it is now Christmas, 1993. Halfway through Harry's third year, the year of the Prisoner of Azkaban. The issue of underage magic will be met with next chapter. Dumbledore won't be a main character in this book. And I certainly won't bash him. He's a much more complicated character than "Evil For-The-Greater-Good Bumblebore". Next chapter should be up this Saturday. Thank you very much for reading!
Reviewer: mdauben Signed Date: 2016.06.24 - 10:39AM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
You certainly have gotten the three of them into an interesting situation. I'll be looking forward to seeing where this story goes.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I hope it'll develop quickly and excitingly enough for your taste!
Reviewer: Lokken Signed Date: 2016.06.24 - 10:06AM Title: Chapter 2: Stockpiled
Powerful third party with secretive tendencies seemingly coming out of blue. And it looked so promising... Oh well, thank you for sharing anyway.
Author's Response: I'm sad to see you didn't like it. Could you explain to me what you didn't like about it? Thank you for the review, by the way!
