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SIYE Time:1:47 on 17th August 2017

Reviews For A Proper Epilogue

Reviewer: GHL Signed Date: 2017.08.09 - 08:39AM Title: Chapter 16 - Some Stupid, Noble Reason

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A perfect stroke of the pen to have Harry finally drive home the truth that is love...

Through much of this story you write our protagonists as the struggling teens that they, rather than the idealised icons we might wish them to be. Reality is more difficult to read than ideality, however the reward that comes with the epiphanous apparation of true sincerity makes it worth it.

One tiny quibble with Kingsley saying, "I know it seems like a lot to ask...". I believe a straight shooter of his character would say, "I know it *is* a lot to ask..."



Reviewer: GHL Signed Date: 2017.08.06 - 06:09PM Title: Chapter 15 - St. Mungo's

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This chapter is a fascinating exercise in conflictedness -- healing followed by woundedness; resolution but irresolution, etc. It makes it all maddeningly real, as opposed to the nicely packaged fictions that we're so accustomed to. So, well done!

I loved Hermione's line about evil rising up to replace evil. This is a great example of Hermione's book smarts evolving into wisdom, which is a development that JKR provides a few faint hints at in books 1-6, and showed a little more in DH. Anyway, I like it, since I believe that many people who really try to learn things also learn to 'understand' things.



Reviewer: rbrt_emmer Signed Date: 2017.07.08 - 11:04PM Title: Chapter 22 - Epilogue

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Thank you for posting this here. When I saw your pen name months ago I remembered someone with the same name on Simply Undeniable many years ago, but I assumed it was someone else who just happened to be a Tolkien fan. Imagine my surprise when I finally start reading your story only to discover it was the story I had read all those years ago on Simply Undeniable. It's been too long that I was able to tell what was changed and what wasn't, and I actually realized as I got through the story that though I remembered quite a lot, I actually didn't remember three quarters of the story and found myself happily being reminded.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. The only real differences were related to toning it down from a hard NC-17 to a light R! Oh, and the tearing up of the Dursley's cheque!!! Glad it didn't get too stale in the time warp!



Reviewer: GHL Signed Date: 2017.04.22 - 07:15AM Title: Chapter 14 - The Aftermath

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Feel the need for a quick apology for having halted the flow of reviews so abruptly a while back. Things got unremittingly busy for quite a stretch, though now I've found a bit of a respite and have been back to reading and even a bit of writing.

Interesting chapter, with much of it spanning mere seconds, and the whole thing covering at most maybe 10 minutes? A hallmark of a writer who sees the drama in the instant-to-instant shifts of a character's perception, and whose epics span weeks rather than decades :)

You captured the drama very well. My one constructive criticism would be that while there has been foreboding throughout the prior chapters that point to this, the foreboding could have been more surgically aligned to the key themes that emerge in crisis. The key question a writer needs to attend to in writing crises is how much perspective emerges as a sudden flash of insight at the last minute, versus how much has been gradually building through the prior story.

For example, Draco has come across as a bit aimless prior to this, but I think that you may have waited too long to have him realise outright how he is the non-master of his destiny. I think the catastrophe on the rooftop would have come across more powerfully if earlier chapters had revealed not just his obliviousness, but perhaps a bit more guilt and self-doubt. If he had been led a bit earlier to begin pondering the value of developing a backbone, the crisis here would have all the more of an "Oh Sh*t" impact.

A bit more wrenching yet is the question of whether to have had Ginny developing a bit more of a relationship with her nascent being within. Some writers could have built up this scene even more by having had Ginny experience more of the introspective communication with her unborn that some mothers have. Or you could leave it as is. Depends on how rough you want to be with your audience.



Author's Response: Thank you! I'm always pleased to receive your reviews, and I appreciate your willingness to take the time and energy to provide meaningful critiques. I think you are precisely on target about my failure to develop the relationship between Ginny and her unborn child. There are several reasons for that, not that these were conscious actions (or inactions) on my part. Looking back, I would make the change you are suggesting. Now, as for Draco ... I had problems writing this character because I never saw him much of a backbone in canon. Even on Platform 9-3/4 in the Epilogue of DH, what little we see of him is still the flashy faux-aristocrat! Either that, or I can't help reading him that way! LOL! Anyway, back on point, I wanted to leave his actions conflicted. Did he Apparate to his father's side to stop Lucius from killing Harry or to stop Pansy from intervening with the plan? I don't think even Draco knew what he intended to do once he reached the rooftop. To mean, his nature is to keep his options open without fail so he can continue to try to identify whatever will eventually be best for him. Does that make sense? Your observation of him being non-master of his destiny is exactly right, but he doesn't realize it in my world, at least. He continues to think he can control things even when they are spinning wildly out of control. So I'm not sure he would ever wonder about his failure to develop some backbone. Even at Malfoy Manor, when he simultaneously does and does not identify Harry, he appears to be lost -- "What is better for me?" -- Not, "What is morally right?" So, I'm going to reflect on your comments about Draco! Maybe it is my own ambivalence about the character. Perhaps I can put this into some context. While I was in seminary, one of my classmates was a generally nice guy when things were running smoothly, but in the face of tension, he would shift into a viciously defensive posture. Then, once the conflict was resolved,instead of apologizing for his behavior, he would rationalize it. "I am the adult shild of an alcoholic," he would say. The implication being that this fact explained why he behaved the way he did while justifying it in the same breath. That is Draco in so many ways. He truly is master of nothing, in my humble (or not so humble) opinion. Anyway, that's why I wrote him the way I did, for good or bad! Yes to his sense of self-doubt! I'm not sure about him ever having a sense of guilt. Finally, and I apologize for babbling on, it's entirely possible that I failed in my attempt to characterize Draco's conflicted response. Some people seem to think I was indicting him while others thought I was trying to redeem him. I was not trying to redeem him and my indictment was limited to his failure to discern that there is a moral choice available, not just an expeditious one! Thank you so much for continuing to read and review my work!



Reviewer: hawkeye2008 Signed Date: 2017.04.21 - 09:12AM Title: Chapter 22 - Epilogue

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Great connecting story, will there be another story to connect from here to the 19 years later? Cheers

Author's Response: Thank you! Yes, I am plotting (literally) the sequel!



Reviewer: hawkeye2008 Signed Date: 2017.04.17 - 04:06AM Title: Chapter 11 - Exploration and Discovery

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Reviewer: hawkeye2008 Signed Date: 2017.04.16 - 10:17PM Title: Chapter 10 - Contrasts and Surprises

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Reviewer: hawkeye2008 Signed Date: 2017.04.16 - 09:32PM Title: Chapter 9 - Divergent Reunions

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Reviewer: hawkeye2008 Signed Date: 2017.04.16 - 04:00PM Title: Chapter 8 - Putting Things to Rest

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Reviewer: hawkeye2008 Signed Date: 2017.04.13 - 10:52PM Title: Chapter 1 - Unforseen Options

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Reviewer: GHL Signed Date: 2017.03.12 - 01:20AM Title: Chapter 13 - The Wedding

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A fine chapter -- the crux that we've been anticipating, n'est ce pas? You've done an exceptional job of Pansy's character; she remains far from admirable, however you have completed her ascent into 'humanity', in a manner that is very different, but comparably plausible, to the way Rowling engineered Snape.

In response to your comments from last chapter, where you asked for thoughts on how to improve the non-verbal prose, and I do have an example to share here. It involves the section beginning with "Draco was beside himself..." where you commit a classic violation of the show, don't tell admonition that has gained rightful favour in creative writing circles now. It's a sin we have all committed in our haste to get through a section. Sometimes it's permissible, but some instances are more problematic than others -- especially when a passage either describes intense emotions, or is intended to evoke such feeling. This is definitely such a passage.

Consider each of these phrases: "Draco was beside himself", "his mind was in overdrive", "Draco was in unfamiliar territory", "the thought... wasn't sitting well". In each of these, you sound like a psychiatrist devolving a psychoanalysis, but what the sharpest writers do is let the readers be the psychoanalysts. In doing so -- by explicitly voicing Draco's disturbed, distraught scatter of thoughts, and by showing his agitated, distracted actions -- you likely could left the readers to shake their heads and mutter, "Oi mate. That boy is some piece of work!"

Anyway, I'm sure attentive readers could pinpoint dozens of comparable opportunities that I too have missed in my own stories, although as time goes on I believe I'm getting better at sensing those chances to pluck the reader's emotions. Live (and write) and learn, I guess.



Author's Response: Thanks so much, especially fir the specifics! You're right, of course, and I appreciate you for pointing these things out!



Reviewer: GHL Signed Date: 2017.03.06 - 07:24PM Title: Chapter 12 - Plotting and Planning

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An observation through twelve chapters, and well exemplified in this one -- your writing is at its best in dialogue. By dialogue, I will also include silent monologue, which you have a penchant for.

Anyway, your spoken prose is more natural than most that I've seen in FF, and the words themselves, even devoid of attributive clauses, carry a lot of emotional weight.

Generally, I'd say that your third-person-omniscient descriptive passages and your nonverbal exchanges lag a bit behind your strength, but we all have our own hills to climb. My Mont Blanc (or bete noire) are the 'openings' -- how to set the tone and pull a reader in...

Ah well, another chapter enjoyed!



Author's Response: Thanks for your thoughts and insights. Would you please add a little more detail as to what you thin is missing in my non-dialogue centered prose? That may be too much to ask, as it is hard to do briefly, but I'd love the critique! Is it too stiff? For example, I don't mind using some colloquialisms in dialogue, but can't bring myself to do so in the prose sections!



Reviewer: carolyn jinn Signed Date: 2017.03.06 - 06:02AM Title: Chapter 22 - Epilogue

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Good ending to a great story.
Looking forward to a sequel.



Reviewer: GHL Signed Date: 2017.03.04 - 06:55PM Title: Chapter 11 - Exploration and Discovery

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Wonderful job with the first letter -- an exquisitely sensible, yet sensitive, communication from across the decades. I also was moved by Harry's short retrospective immediately after reading the letter -- a fine touch which shows an excellent reading of canon.

No complaints at all about the rest of the chapter either -- the healing progresses in earnest, in a measure of the very 'British' cultural sensibility you're drawing on. In this, I refer to a land that had seen, over its centuries, much tragedy, and an equal amount of resilient recovery. To say that 'life goes on' is not to require that it be drear and brooding...



Reviewer: GHL Signed Date: 2017.03.02 - 02:15AM Title: Chapter 10 - Contrasts and Surprises

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Ah. It's a sign of adept writing to be able to take a sexual episode and make it uniformly unpleasant, unattractive and unsalacious. You did say you had a reason for it, and apart from setting the obvious contrast, I assume you're setting the stage for what we all know canonically -- that Draco and Pansy have no future.

Ick.

While the writing itself is skilled, and I can sense how each scene is a stone within this pyramidal narrative you're building, it was a little unfortunate to juxtapose this particular Harry/Ginny scene immediately after the Draco/Pansy encounter. It's a bit difficult to shift gears between the morbid and the vital, and it robbed a bit of the zest from the final announcement.

In fact, I wonder how much you might gain by simply swapping those two scenes? That way, you don't taint the stirring moment, and you may get even more contrast in showing just how sordid and unloving the Draco/Pansy tryst is. You would lose the cliff-hanger moment, perhaps, although SIYE readers have roasted me for cliff-hangers before, so that might not be a net loss.

Anyway, I continue to enjoy the story and am grateful you brought it here! Hoping that these comments are just taken as constructive thoughts.



Author's Response: Thank you for the interesting analysis! I do take it constructively and will look at it later today.



Reviewer: ellen Signed Date: 2017.02.28 - 01:47PM Title: Chapter 22 - Epilogue

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Firstly, I apologise for not leaving about 20 five star reviews along the way. I kept opening the site with good intentions, only to find a new chapter to read, and it was too tempting. This has been a really lovely story and I especially liked the balance you achieved in Harry and Ginny's relationship. You have a real talent for writing dialogue which truly brings your characters to life, and in all the many HP stories I have read there hasn't previously been one that realistically portrayed Pansy as capable of coming good. Thanks for a great story which I will definitely be rereading in its entirety, and I do hope there will be a sequel in the future.

Author's Response: Thank you, I feel honored by your comments! You are too generous!



Reviewer: indywriter Signed Date: 2017.02.26 - 02:23AM Title: Chapter 22 - Epilogue

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It's over???? Nooooooooo!

It was all so good! I really enjoyed your ideas for what happened after the battle. It was interesting to see Pansy's growth through this story. And thank you, thank you, thank you for where you took the core characters. No one fell into the negative stereotypes that they often get in fanfiction, but they weren't saintly and perfect either. Great balance!

I hope you have more writing to share! I've always looked forward to your updates, so now I'm sad that there won't be any more.



Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much! I have appreciated your reviews more than you can imagine. I just posted a one-shot of the reunion of Harry and Ginny from Ginny's point of view. As soon as it is validated, if it is validated, it will be up! I'm so glad you thought the character development was acceptable. People have such varied views of all the characters, but mine differ somewhat. Thank you once again! Your support for this story, along with that of others, has made me think hard about a sequel.



Reviewer: Aurorofthelight Signed Date: 2017.02.25 - 11:40PM Title: Chapter 22 - Epilogue

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Wonderful ending to a wonderful story! A new little bun in the oven for the Potters! You must have ESP - I had thought 3 chapters ago that Charlie would be a good match for Pansy! Good to know they got the Parkinsons- or did they?! Really loved this story top to bottom!
Really hope you do a sequel! Thanks for a great ride! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Author's Response: Thank you for all of your supportive reviews. I've enjoyed your thoughts and observations, and it was scary how accurately you predicted many of the events. Now ... yes, the epilogue tells us that it took six long years for Harry and co. to round up the remnant of Death Eaters and their spouses -- at least the spouses who took up arms against the Side of Light! That leaves a lot of room for sequels, which I am considering. Strongly considering! This has been so much fun! In the meantime, I just posted a slightly diffferent version of the reunion of Harry and Ginny from Ginny's POV. Hope you like it, but it's a one-shot.



Reviewer: Aurorofthelight Signed Date: 2017.02.25 - 11:27PM Title: Chapter 21 - And Two Shall Become One

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Sparkling little chapter with the wedding, wedding night and Harry and Ginny going off the wagon! Interesting that Pansy is working for the Potters! She deserves a break! Thanks for another quick update! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Author's Response: Glad you liked it ... I wanted a happy ending prior to the epilogue.



Reviewer: hpforever85 Signed Date: 2017.02.25 - 09:54PM Title: Chapter 22 - Epilogue

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No Review

Author's Response: Thank you, once again! I appreciate the good rating!




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