Reviews For Darkness Within II
Reviewer: GHL Signed Date: 2018.03.24 - 08:50PM Title: Chapter 29 Temptation
A great deal of interesting information, in a story with great sophistication and complexity!
If you don't mind, I might make a few stylistic comments? This is obviously an intensively dialogue-oriented chapter, and those can frequently rather challenging. One of the greatest challenges revolves around the immersion factor. Specifically, does the reader read words and process information, or is the reader there in the room, watching with rapt 'tennis-match' eyes?
There are two ways I know of to try to optimize the latter. One way that you made good use of is nonverbal communication. I always enjoy the visual complement to spoken words. Another that you might consider judiciously amplifying in your further writing is a real Rowling mainstay -- adapting dialect and vocabulary to key characters. Tonks, of course, has her Cockney (just as Hagrid has a Yorkshire) accent. This can be accomplished with even as few at 5-10% of words being slightly modified. Then there's pure vocabulary. Hermione uses bigger words than Harry, who used bigger words than Ron. Snape is not just brusque; he also loads the fore-end of his sentences with deliberately pompous words. Dumbledore and Arthur are almost always understated. Sirius uses more salty words than the others. And so forth.
Ultimately, having so many people in the same room speaking in alternation is immensely tough to ace. Kind of takes every trick one can throw at into the mix.
Author's Response: Yes, indeed! Conversation chapters are definitely challenging for me, particularly when so many characters are involved. I wish I had a better ear for dialect :) It's been a dozen years since I was last in the UK and many more since I lived in England, so I know I've lost the awareness I used to have. My husband has been binge watching Keeping Up Appearances this weekend, while I've been obsessed with Jane Austen. I should probably watch a few hours of something more modern to obtain the correct sound for reference ;) Thank you as always for a most thoughtful and sincere review!
Reviewer: Gin110881 Signed Date: 2018.02.19 - 10:08AM Title: Chapter 29 Temptation
The flu? Rest assured that I feel with you. I'm just recovering from a sinus surgery and I'm struggling for every breath of air I can get, lol.
Reviewer: ginnyweasley777 Signed Date: 2018.02.17 - 12:37PM Title: Chapter 29 Temptation
Fantastic chapter, glad it's out in the open now who her grandfather (if you can call him that) is.
Reviewer: alterdream Signed Date: 2018.02.14 - 10:24PM Title: Chapter 29 Temptation
That was very well done.
Reviewer: Aurorofthelight Signed Date: 2018.02.14 - 01:48PM Title: Chapter 29 Temptation
Great to see a new chapter! Looks like the girls had a closer call than we realized - with alot of luck as well - good thing Charlie and Remus got there in time! That doofus Snape is lucky Charlie didn't punch him in the nose! So I was correct - Anna does know of her relation to the Dork Lord - but from her Grandma not snake face! Anna and Ginny have obviously been sharing more than boyfriend stories with each other! Not good Voldyschmuck is interested in the girls but I'm glad Anna doesn't share the murderous tendacies of her scumbag Grandpa Tom Twiddle Jr.! (Although you couldn't blame her if she turned Dorko into a soprano with that knife)! That bit about not harming witches sounds ominous, but at least Ginny, Anna and Hermoine already have their men! Can't help but hope that Lucius Malflunky remembered, despite his pain, to launder his jockey shorts once he left the clearing! EWWWW! (Personal note: Hope you get to feeling better!I know a flu researcher who always says to get a flu shot because even if you still get it it won't be as bad)! I myself have probably been thru several bottles of hand sanitizer! Get well soon!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Reviewer: HPforlife Signed Date: 2018.02.13 - 08:04PM Title: Chapter 29 Temptation
AHHHHH!!!! It's finally here!!! I loved the chapter! Anna's finally revealed who she is. Can't wait to see what happens next!