Just a Talk and That's the Naked Truth by pleurocoelus
** Winner of Best Overall and People's Choice in the April Fools Challenge **The Burrow only has one loo and Harry didn't know it was occupied. Now two identical gits won't stop teasing him or Ginny about it. Something has to be done. Nothing salacious in this story, just embarrassing.
Categories: SIYE Challenges, The April Fool's Challenge (2017-2)
Chapter 1: In Which Harry Is Embarrassed Twice in One Day
Chapter 2: in Which Twin Gits Are Taught a Lesson
Chapter 1: In Which Harry Is Embarrassed Twice in One Day
"Harry gets The Talk" seems to be a popular trope in HP fanfic.
Here I write not only for the April Fool's Challenge, but also to check that trope off my list.
Warning: This chapter contains Harry getting a version of The Talk.
There's nothing salacious in this story, just comic awkwardness.
Also, this chapter contains an idea I've been entertaining as to why wizarding society is so traditional regarding sex and marriage. Traditions are formed for a reason, usually. I may have seen it elsewhere. If so, I did not mean to swipe someone else's idea without credit.
Our story begins in a house. A house that some would call bizarre, or perhaps unnatural. A house that would make those who consider themselves better than others lift their elevated noses even higher. A house that could stand only because magic was involved in its construction. A house filled with love. A house with only one loo.
Our story begins in 1994, three days after that year's rather infamous Quidditch World Cup. Things at the Ministry of Magic were in an uproar after the events at the World Cup. The public's ire was raised and the Daily Prophet was not helping calm their tempers.
After another long and exhausting day at the Ministry, Arthur Weasley finally had time to relax over a cup of tea with his wife, Molly. He had just lifted the cup to his lips when he heard a very feminine shriek coupled with a more masculine yelp of surprise.
This was naturally followed by his own yelp of surprise as the contents of his cuppa found their way to his lap. Fortunately, Molly was right on top of it and had his clothes clean before he was burned. Before he had the time to properly thank her, however, a thundering clatter of feet accompanied the arrival of Harry Potter, best friend to their son Ron and current houseguest.
"I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, I didn't mean to," he said quickly with a look of mortal terror on his face. "I mean the door was stuck and so I pushed it and it came open and there was Ginny and I didn't see anything and she screamed and I'm sorry and I think she was getting in the shower but I didn't see anything and I'm sorry I didn't mean to barge in on her and I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."
Harry's stammering, rambling apology was interrupted by Mrs. Weasley.
"Harry, Harry dear," she said calmly. "It's all right, I believe you. I'm sure you didn't mean to barge in on her."
Harry's ragged breathing began to normalize.
"Arthur, I'd better check on Ginny. Maybe you could talk to Harry," she said as she was leaving the room.
"Right," Mr. Weasley said. "Harry, I think we'll want a bit more privacy. How about we go to my shed."
Harry numbly followed Mr. Weasley to his shed, dreading whatever Mr. Weasley was going to say to him. Mrs. Weasley had been sympathetic, but this was Ginny's father and fathers seemed to be especially protective of their daughters.
The two soon arrived in Mr. Weasley's shed. Mr. Weasley ushered Harry inside and conjured two chairs in an open area. Harry sat, dreading what was to come.
Mr. Weasley sat across from Harry with steel in his blue eyes.
"Before we do anything else, Harry, I have to ask. I'm sorry, but did you intend to catch my daughter in a state of undress?"
"No, Mr. Weasley, I didn't. I didn't mean to. I didn't hear anything and I thought the door was just jammed. I didn't see anything, she screamed before I was even in the room. I'm sorry."
Mr. Weasley smiled. "I'm sorry I had to ask. You'll understand if you ever have a little girl of your own someday. I do understand, you know. I've been meaning to add a second loo for some time now, but it's been one thing after another. This kind of thing happens often enough.
"In fact, most of the time, the boys just 'water the bushes' if they... please don't tell Molly I said that. I'm sure she suspects, but is more comfortable feigning ignorance."
Harry chuckled at the thought.
"Anyway," Mr. Weasley said, "since we're here, I thought this might be a good time for you to ask any questions, about growing up I mean. I don't mean to be presumptuous, but I don't know if anyone has taken the time to talk to you."
"Oh," said Harry, blushing slightly, "Er – we had a class, in my Muggle school I mean, that talked about – er – puberty and stuff."
"Ah, I see," said Mr. Weasley, blushing slightly himself. "And by 'stuff' I presume you mean sex."
"Yes," said Harry, though it might have been more of a squeak.
"Yes, well, Harry, sex within the context of matrimony is a beautiful thing."
Harry's eyes widened and his blush fled as he turned pale.
"Don't look so surprised, Harry, I have seven children. Honestly, every generation thinks they were the first to discover that sex is fun."
Harry began to wish fervently that he had his invisibility cloak, or perhaps a convenient portkey. Fawkes the phoenix would do nicely. Perhaps he should make a run for it and try to catch the Knight Bus.
"Harry," Mr. Weasley said, snapping Harry out of his reverie. "I'm not trying to embarrass you. I'm glad that you got the facts, at least from a scientific perspective, at your Muggle school. For wizards, things are mostly the same as it is for Muggle men. However, there are a few differences.
"Really, they should have a class at Hogwarts for the Muggleborns because the differences are important. I should talk to Dumbledore about that. A young wizard could get himself in trouble very easily.
"As I said, for the most part, sex is the same for us as it is for Muggles. However, magic infuses all that we do and the sexual side of our beings is no exception.
"Harry, there is no divorce in the wizarding world. Rather, it is so difficult to obtain that it is generally considered to be impossible. Muggles obtain divorces through the courts, but a wizarding divorce involves a team of curse breakers.
"In the wizarding world, marriage involves a magical bond between spouses. The magical bond is formed at the marriage ceremony by means of magical vows and strengthens over time. Most of the time, this means that a divorce wouldn't be needed since the bond induces a sense of closeness. However, there is another way to induce a marriage bond."
"Sex," Harry said.
"Right," Mr. Weasley said. "It's not guaranteed, but marriage bonds do spontaneously form sometimes during sexual activity. Needless to say, unless the witch and wizard in question were of age and trying to form a marriage bond without benefit of a formal marriage ceremony, it is quite embarrassing for the parties in question. The bond is detectable and a couple couldn't keep it secret.
"Now, do you have any questions?"
I just want to clarify something to avoid confusion. By "I didn't see anything," Harry meant that he did not see anything he couldn't have seen when Ginny was wearing her school robes. That is what he meant and how Arthur understood it.
I was not intending to imply that Harry was lying.
I would imagine that a girl with six older brothers who barge into the bathroom on a regular basis would be very used to hiding behind the shower curtain quickly, regardless of her state of dress.
Back to index
Chapter 2: in Which Twin Gits Are Taught a Lesson
Author's Notes: Well, now, the aftermath of chapter one. Fred and George are a popular target for pranks, but they do have a reputation for pulling them.
Special thanks to my wife, SageDefender for refining the prank.
Harry didn't know how the twin gits learned about the events of that morning: how he had barged into the loo while Ginny was getting ready to use the shower and then received an especially embarrassing Talk from Mr. Weasley. What he did know is that the two of them had somehow discovered it and were now taking every opportunity to make subtle comments to both Harry and Ginny.
Fred and George Weasley were good friends most of the time. Due to being on the Gryffindor Quidditch team together, Harry had gotten to know them fairly well. They were loyal friends who had stood with him while most of the school had thought him to be the Heir of Slytherin. The Weasley twins were always good for breaking up a tense situation or just providing general humour to any situation, but sometimes they just went too far.
It had been that way since the day after Harry had received Mr. Weasley's Talk. Fred and George Weasley had been making various comments, slipped into regular conversation, but clearly intended to embarrass Harry as well as Ginny Weasley. Even back at Hogwarts, they didn’t let the joke die a natural death.
"So, Harry," Fred said as they sat in the Gryffindor Common Room, "Do you want to talk about how to enter the Triwizard tournament?"
"No," said George, "Harry has enough fame and that's the naked truth."
"I don't know how you bare the fame, Harry," Fred replied.
"Lay off it, will you," Ron snapped.
"Lay off what?" asked Seamus Finnegan, who had just walked up.
Fred was about to answer when he and George got a funny look on their faces. Suddenly, green bogies began emerging from their noses. The bogies quickly metamorphosed into bats and the little green animals began attacking the twins.
"Shoo," said Ginny who had been standing behind the twins.
Fred and George needed no encouragement to leave as they ran from the little green bats and fled out the portrait hole.
"Ginny, that's disgusting," Hermione said.
"Serves them right," Ron muttered.
"Well, I think it was brilliant," Harry said. "Those two don't know when to quit."
"Quit about what?" Seamus asked.
"Never mind," said Ron and Hermione simultaneously.
Seamus shrugged and walked off. Ginny flopped down in the seat next to Ron.
"Ugh," said Ginny. "I love those two, but you're right. They really don't always know when to quit."
"We should probably go to Professor McGongall," said Hermione.
"No," said Harry, "I don't want anyone else knowing about it."
"Someone will know about it if those two keep this up," said Hermione acidly. "Anyway, I need to go to the library."
Hermione got up and left without further comment. After a moment, Ron shrugged and left as well.
Harry looked around for a moment, then noticed Ginny was looking at him with an evil glint in her eye.
"So, Harry," she said. "What do you say we take care of this ourselves?"
At first, Hermione was thrilled to see Harry and Ginny together in the library, but that changed once she realized that they were working on revenge rather than homework.
"Really, you two," Hermione hissed. "You should be working this hard on your studies instead of taking the law into your own hands."
"It's not quite that dramatic, Hermione," Harry said.
"Hermione," Ginny said, "We're just speaking to Fred and George in the language they understand."
"But won't they escalate after this?" Hermione asked.
"Possibly," replied Ginny, "but I intend to give them a stern talking to after we get their attention. I'm not trying to start a prank war, but I have tried talking to them politely."
"Don't worry, Hermione," interjected Harry, "If they don't listen to Ginny after we get their attention, then we will go to Professor McGonagall."
"I'll hold you to that," said Hermione pointedly.
After the revenge-seeking pair had left, Ron dropped into the chair next to Hermione.
"Harry has been spending a lot of time with Ginny. You don't think he fancies her, do you?" he asked.
"They’re just working on their little project. Why? Would it bother you?"
"No, I think it'd be brilliant. I mean, I don't want to really think about Ginny dating anyone, but I think they'd be good for each other. They've both dealt with You-Know-Who and they have a similar sense of humour."
"That's insightful, Ron," Hermione said.
"Don't be so surprised," Ron said. "I've been known to think from time to time."
Hermione laughed and hugged Ron. Somewhere in the back of Ron's subconscious, he finally realized that one of his two closest friends was a girl.
Angelina Johnson, Gryffindor chaser (though that position was somewhat in doubt since Quidditch was cancelled in lieu of the upcoming Triwizard Tournament) was enjoying her breakfast when someone slid into the seat across from her and addressed her.
"Beautiful morning, isn't it Angie?" Fred Weasley said in her voice.
She giggled. "I suppose it is."
"Of course, it is," Fred said in his own voice. "The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and we get to have double potions today."
Angelina scowled. "Don't remind me," she said as all thought of remarking on Fred's sudden talent for mimicry fled her mind.
That evening Harry was sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room with Ron and Hermione, as well as Ginny, who seemed to be integrated into their group now. Suddenly, the four sniffed as an unusual odour entered their nostrils. The source was revealed when they looked up to see Fred and George Weasley standing menacingly above them.
"What's that smell?" Ron asked.
"Well, brother dear," George said in Ron's voice, "We spent this evening in the company of one Mr. Severus Snape who insisted that we aid him in his quest to disembowel many small animals and pickle the various parts of said creatures."
"The aforementioned Mr. Snape," said Fred in Ron's voice as well "was under the impression that we were mocking him during potions class by performing a poor vocal impersonation of him. I don't suppose that anyone here knows why he was under such an impression?"
"Give us the naked truth," said George in his own voice.
"They're doing it again," Harry said.
"We tried asking politely," Ginny said, "but you didn't listen. You kept this joke running far past the point of humour. It was funny, at first, once I got past the embarrassment but you didn't know when to quit."
"We just wanted to get your attention," said Harry. "If you kept talking and dropping hints so blatantly, other people would have figured it out and we can't allow that."
"We're not trying to start a war with you, just get you to listen to us since you weren't before," Ginny said firmly.
"We're listening," the twins said in unison.
"This ends now," Harry said.
"And what if we don't want it to end?" asked Fred.
"There's more where this came from," answered Ginny. "I wonder how many little animals need to be disembowelled for potions ingredients."
"Of course," Harry added, "We could go to Professor McGonagall, but I don't want to involve anyone who doesn't already know about this."
"Oi, Harry," Ron said with a smirk, "Mum already knows all about this."
At the mention of their mother, Fred and George visibly paled.
"I'm sure she would love to visit with you during one of the Hogsmeade weekends," Hermione added.
"Never mind that," said George, "we think this joke has run its course anyway."
"Who knew Granger had such a vindictive streak?" muttered Fred as they turned and walked away.
The four friends looked at each other before bursting with laughter.
"Hermione, that was brilliant!" Ginny exclaimed through laughter.
They were still laughing when the twins returned.
"We forgot," Fred said in Ginny’s voice.
"To ask for the antidote," George continued in Harry’s voice.
"I don't know," Ginny said. "When you left like that I thought you didn't want it."
"No, sister dear," George said in his own voice. "We want it."
"We," Fred added in his own voice, "don't want any more detentions from you and your boyfriend's prank."
Ginny had been about to toss them the vial of antidote, but she stopped after their comment.
"What of it? What if I were?" Harry said.
"What?" said the twins in Harry's voice.
"I'm not saying we're dating because we're not, but any bloke would be lucky to date Ginny."
"Thanks, Harry," Ginny said, blushing, "but I'm not sure I should give them this after they proved that they can't keep their mouths shut."
"Oh, let them have the antidote. They can't figure out what we did just from it so we could always do this again. Besides, if they try to analyse it, they won't have any left to stop their vocal tricks."
Ginny looked thoughtful for a moment, then smiled sweetly at Harry.
"Okay, but only because you asked, Harry."
The twins thanked Harry profusely as they took the vial from Ginny and left.
"So, do you fancy Ginny, then?" asked Ron.
Ginny blushed and seemed to shrink.
"Ronald!" screeched Hermione.
"I don't know," said Harry. "There was a girl I had liked, but I've really liked spending time with you, Ginny. I'd like to spend more time with you, if that's all right. Maybe at the first Hogsmeade weekend."
"Like a date or just as friends?" asked Ginny.
"I think it should be as a date," answered Harry.
Ginny's smile was radiant.
There you have it. In case I didn't make it plain, Fred and George's voices are altered to that of the person they are addressing.
The effect is intermittently timed so it doesn't always happen. Also, they can't hear that their voices have been altered.
I thought the prank was fitting for Fred and George's incessant comments about The Talk.
Back to index