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My Lovely Assistant
By Dianne

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Category: Muggle Field Trip Challenge (2007-2)
Characters:None
Genres: Humor
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: G
Reviews: 12
Summary: ** Winner of Most Humorous in the Muggle Field Trip Challenge **
There is a difference between a wizard and a magician. A magician is expected to pull a rabbit from a hat. I am expected to save the world. One more holiday, a break from the horrors of the past and I’ll go back to doing what I’m supposed to do.
Hitcount: Story Total: 6573



Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work.



Author's Notes:
Well, this is not my finest work, but it was fun to write. I used two lines from an email a friend sent me in this story.




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My name is Hollis Hanklesphinkter, Hit Wizard, on special undercover security assignment at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am a Muggleborn and that, coupled with the unfortunate last name and the fact that I have an uncorrected lisp, makes me the target of much taunting, particularly from those in Slytherin House. That’s okay, I don’t mind giving out Trolls on exams and watching their shiny little faces sag. I’m really only here this fall because the Ministry was going to close Hogwarts if added security could not be found.

I’m substituting for the Muggle Studies Professor, who is off on a year-long sabbatical to live among the Muggles. I swear he made it sound like an African jungle adventure or safari. Of course that could have something to do with the fact that I failed to mention how good the modern conveniences of Muggles are. Ever try to explain an outhouse to a Wizard? It’s funny. I highly recommend bending the truth to a Pureblood where Muggle matters are concerned. After all, we Muggle-borns know nothing of the wizarding world until we’re eleven and they think it’s bloody hilarious to watch us scream the first time a painting hanging on the wall talks to us or Moaning Myrtle picks a very inopportune time to pop up while one is using the loo.

I look at my students. Ninety percent of them don’t want to be here, but Muggle Studies has become a mandatory class since the death of Albus Dumbledore. The old headmaster had always said that unless we try to reach out to the Muggles, we may be dooming us and them to death at the hands of the dark side. They groan when I tell them there is to be a surprise test today on Muggle beliefs as we wizards have altered their understanding of history.

“Now we all know that Muggleths think the pyramidths were built by thslaves and not by our anthcestors who usethed magic to thstack those impothssibly heavy thstones, but justhst as the Muggleths know nothing of usth, thso it thseems this is true of usth about them. I do admit it was a little mean to meth with the poor thsouls with thosth crude pictures on the wallsth but they do so enjoy dethiphering them and it hasth kept them out of our hair for thenturies,” I explain to appreciative giggles.

“Profethor, tell me, why didn’t your parenths have that lithsp fixthed when you were a child?” A seventh year Slytherin girl asks. My eyes dart down the class list. Of course, Pansy Parkinson. If she thinks she’s getting out of this class by misbehaving, she can think again.

“Becusth Miss Parkinthson, the treatment thumtimes comths with a nathsty thide-effect, like this,” I say, raising my wand. Miss Parkinson tries to open her mouth to no doubt give the class another laugh at my expense but I’m having none of it. It will be hard to explain to Madame Pomfrey why my student’s tongue is now glued to the roof of her mouth but I’ve gotten used to the old Matron’s warnings of you cannot do that to students,, to which I reply that she should stock up on Miss Itchy Face’s Burrowing Head Lice Remedy because that will be my next punishment. After all, I’m a Magical Law Enforcement Officer, not a babysitter. These are the future young offenders and I’m just heading them off at the pass. If I merely give detention, that means that I have to stay behind in class, too. I ask you, how fair is that? And I’m not even being paid overtime for this post.

After the test, Pansy raises her hand to ask if she can go see the Matron. It had been a simple test, requiring the student to merely write a history report from a Muggle perspective based on what they were able to learn from the Muggle textbooks I had brought in at the beginning of term when I found out that I actually had to try and teach these kids something and not just guard them.

“I thee you haven’t thstudied the Muggle texths,” I reply to Pansy. I enlarge her parchment and use a Sticking Charm to adhere it to the black board. Her answers show just how resistant most Purebloods are to the idea of the late Albus Dumbledore, that we must tolerate and even embrace Muggles if we are to one day enjoy peace in our world. The class giggles and my star student, Hermione Granger rolls her eyes and gasps at the answers on the board.


Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.



At this point, having read all of the answers from my class, most as bad as the above, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The wizarding world still shrouds itself in a veil of secrecy and the Muggles are oblivious to us. I decide to alter my teaching of Muggle Studies to popular culture, so I petition the Ministry of Magic’s Muggle Liason Office to help fund and secure a safe field trip, and I know just what to do with my class. Did I mention that Halloween is my favourite holiday? We’ll set out on Halloween.

Yes, a field trip is just the thing to take student’s minds of recent tragedies as well. Harry Potter, the boy who is the main reason I’ve been employed by the school in the first place is Muggle born and since he will need particular attention security-wise for this trip, he might as well enjoy some of the planning and see some sights. I expected unwillingness on Harry’s part to help me plan the trip but when I suggested that Arthur Weasley, my direct boss at work was all for fresh air, sunshine, and anything Muggle related for his children, his face lit up and I knew instantly he was thinking of Ginny, Arthur’s youngest and only daughter, whom I’ve been asked to keep a special eye on as well.

I’ve been given permission to take the class anywhere in Europe so when I tell Harry that he can choose our destination, I hope he picks some place romantic like Italy or France because I have my eye on Professor Trelawny who has so graciously and uncharacteristically offered to be my assistant and chaperon the young women on the trip. He picks Germany of all places.

In the weeks leading up to the trip, I see Harry consulting Justin Finch-Fletchley, another fine young Muggleborn who has himself been the target of a most unfortunate Petrification in his second year and has been rather too eager to fight the Dark Side ever since. An outing will do that young man good as well. I do believe his girlfriend, Susan, lovely niece of the late Madame Bones has had quite enough of his quoting Mad Eye’s old edict, ‘Constant Vigilance!’ to anyone caught out in the halls past bedtime when he is doing his Prefect duties at night.

Hermione Granger, one of only five students who is excelling in my course, seems keen to take Arthur’s son, Ron out into the Muggle world and I can’t say as I blame her. From what I’ve heard, he’s only learned how to use a telephone properly within the last couple of years. I’d have thought Arthur would have had one of those ages ago, after all, he bought my old Ford Anglia when I elected to take public transportation years back. Pity Arthur can’t come on this trip. I have a feeling he’d enjoy what I have in store and what my Muggle students have helped me come up with.

We arrive in Berlin and check into the Hotel Adlon on Unterdenlinden Street, which means, ‘under the linden trees’. It’s a beautiful location, the trees having been lovingly restored after they had been destroyed during the second world war. A few of the older boys try to sneak into the rooms of the young women as they unpack to get ready for my first extravaganza. One by one, they are spit back out into the hallway as I try desperately to engage an elderly Muggle couple in conversation so they don’t notice the spider-webbed boys stuck to hallways looking mutinous. We can’t be too careful. I hope Professor Trelawny’s room isn’t charmed to expel males ...

While unpacking I hear a commotion and laughter coming from down the hall in one of the boy’s rooms. Wand at the ready I open the door to find a horrible smell.

“It’s a bidet! You’re not supposed to have, you know, gone in it!” Justin Finch-Fletchley is pointing at Ron, who has gone the colour of his hair as he defends himself by saying that he was in a hurry for the loo after three schnitzels, four sausages with sour kraut on sourdough buns and three fizzy drinks of Muggle cola came grumbling into his stomach.

I had promised Headmistress McGonagall that I would refrain from the use of Magic in order to enhance the Muggle experience. Well, this is an emergency. We’ll be thrown out of here if the chamber mistress sees this mess. I perform an air refresher charm and a cleansing charm on the bidet and call a general meeting of my students regarding bathroom etiquette. Poor Mr Weasley is teased by a Slytherin student about having been brought up in a barn and not using a human loo in his life. I turn my back for a minute in a ‘coughing fit until I hear the desired squeal of pain administered. When I turn around, Ron still looks embarrassed, but Hermione is glowing. I tell the Slytherin student that they will have to wait until our return to Hogwarts to have his hair regrown. After all, being bald isn’t an emergency. Unless it happens to me.

By the time everyone is settled in and has had dinner, it’s time to ‘go scare the birds’ as Justin and Harry tell me slyly. I don’t think young witches will be frightened of what’s been planned next but I know there are hopes of involuntary jumping into laps and hand holding from scared girls. Oh to be young again. I look over at Professor Trelawny, her glasses making her eyes look like crystals, her shawls flowing in the cool wind like wings as we step from the hotel and catch a bus to a small suburb of Berlin. I nod hello to Ernie, the old driver of the Knight Bus who’s been hired to shuttle us about as we can’t very well be popping in and out all over the place like we did when we first got here by secure Portkey.

Within minutes of the rickety old bus taking off, there are complaints from our Slytherin travellers. To be honest, I think Hermione charmed the back tires to make the trip a bit more bumpy. “Aw, come on! You drive just like a Muggle,” shouts Blaise Zabini, who is immediately stared at by the other Slytherins, clearly wondering how a Pureblood would know how a Muggle drives. Blaise mutters something about having a Muggle auntie but is careful to make it clear that the Zabini family has nothing to do with that relative.

Most of the students are enjoying the ride as I look around. Harry still has a permanent forehead crinkle of worry but for a minute, I see him smile at Ginny, who I purposely asked Hermione to seat him with. My friend Remus Lupin tells me that Harry and Ginny used to date and are now just friends. This field trip is but a capsule of happiness in an unhappy time, a break from the horrors of Voldemort if only for a day or two. If anything can make them forget their troubles, it’s this trip. I didn’t think to mention that what was about to take place was merely theatrical in nature and no one was in any real peril. I thought it would be more fun this way.

Sitting in the hay wagon behind a couple of huge Belgian horses, anticipation etched in every face, or in fairness, it could be fear, my students are in for a treat, Halloween Muggle style.

I should have known better!

Suffice it to say that the haunted hay ride at Oldenburg farms didn’t go over well with the Purebloods who did not understand the concept of Halloween. Professor Trelawny said her inner eye was damaged from the experience and she won’t talk to me now, but her real eyes continue to shine right into my soul. Professor McGonagall wasn’t happy when she heard about my first years being up all night with nightmares, and the Magical Reversal Squad, well, I owe them one. I hope that poor bloke with the chainsaw and mask recovers okay. I didn’t know scared first years had so much power...

Still, part of me wants to chuckle at the innocence of these kids. Here they are, the actual witches and wizards, ones that Muggle children fear and on the one night that Muggles feel belong to the supernatural, they are scared out of their minds. I mean, honestly, Nearly Headless Nick didn’t make them blink twice but put a Muggle bloke in a sheet moaning and you have yourself a brawl of epic proportions. Blimey, I’ve never seen a bat bogey hex like the one Ginny Weasley did to that poor bloke dressed as a Vampire when he chased after the wagon. And I don’t envy Harry the bruises he will have from Ginny’s small fists when she found out that this haunted hay ride was partly his idea. He’s never looked happier. I try to look away but find myself grinning just a bit as Harry brushes a lock of Ginny’s hair off her forehead and kisses a bump she received from Ron, who had foolishly tried to push her back down into her seat to protect her. Neither of them say anything but I see her slip her hand into Harry’s.

“Thanks, Ron,” Harry winks to his best friend, who likewise begins to act as if he’d known all along that this whole adventure was not an attack by Death Eaters or other creatures of the night. Ron responds by sitting meekly beside Hermione for the first time, saying nothing as she laughs and asks him how he enjoyed his first foray into Muggle tradition.

Anyway, I have to pay for the tractor that pulled the hay wagon around because the magically launched, flying pitch forks flattened the tires and bogged it down so hard that the frame bent. I have twenty two apology notes to write to parents who got owls in the middle of the night from the terrified kids who told them that the Muggle Studies teacher almost had them murdered on an crazy field trip and I’m banned from taking the kids from the school forever. But, we still have tomorrow.

I have to say that Headmistress McGonagall was wonderful about the whole thing. Mad Eye Moody thought it was a brilliant showing of how constant vigilance works and well, you know me, I had a blast. I loved when the Headless Horseman galloped through, calling for heads. I mean, really, don’t these kids know that doesn’t work, or else Nick would have done it long ago? If all you had to do was steal a head, then he’d have been off to join the Headless Hunt years ago, probably with my head ... Anyway, I thought the kids were going to wet themselves, it was awesome!

Well, I’m going to turn the story over to Harry for just a bit now. He’s the only one who knows I’m not a real teacher and his help has been invaluable.

I think I was more surprised than anyone when Hogwarts actually opened its doors this year to students. I had been recovering in the hospital wing in July after having destroyed of all things, the front lobby of the very same orphanage that had been the home of Tom Riddle. I hadn’t known that the place was still an orphanage and that the old building was now merely the entrance into the much larger new wings and dorms. Tom had wanted to destroy the building, having used it to store a bit of his soul for when he would need it. It would be like vengeance upon the place he had hated so much, and a symbolic gesture that he was free in body and spirit of that place.

I was going to leave Hogwarts before September the first came once I found out from Remus who had come to visit me, that the school was reopening. I have a job to do, several of them actually. But I was weak still. Ron and Hermione convinced me that I needed to take a break. But I’ve let three whole months go by. Each time I think about leaving again to find and destroy another Horcrux, I find myself thinking of excuses not to go and each time the excuse ends up being the beautiful girl that holds in her hands my soul. She is the only reason it’s whole and one day I will come back to claim it, not by destroying the thing which holds it with kids gloves, but by asking for it back and asking her to forgive me. I shouldn’t, on one hand be telling her that I can’t fully commit yet, and on the other hand asking her silently, with the looks she catches me giving her, to wait for me. In case I live.

This trip is a gift to myself. One last hurrah. But I said that when I attended Bill and Fleur’s wedding, too. I only did that so I could see Ginny in her bridesmaid’s gown. Hermione told me not to beat myself up, everyone needs an outlet. But I’m addicted to Ginny. The Chosen One, hiding behind a small girl. But when I’m near her I feel like a shield of everything I’ve ever needed or desired is all around me. She’s a head shorter than me. But she towers over me. Her hand fit in mine. But when I held it, I felt enveloped in its strength. I almost admitted this one day to Professor Hanklesphinkter but I have a feeling Remus already told him how I feel about Ginny.

Hanklesphinkter has no idea that though most of the kids here think he’s one of the greatest teachers ever, they still make fun of his lisp and his out-of-style Muggle clothes. It’s as though he joined the magical world and never looked back. Today he’s in his socks and sandals, khaki polyester trousers and glasses perched on his nose that have no lenses at all. He absentmindedly scratches his eye with his finger right through the frame as people stare. We stand in front of Fensehturm television tower, trying to explain radio and micro waves to people who are used to listening to the Wizarding Wireless.

“So, they just pluck these invisible waves out of the air and force them into those little boxes with the small people inside them?” Ron says, whistling in awe. “Nah, there’s no such thing as invisible waves that make noise but you can’t hear it in the air.” Ron cocks his head to the side like a golden retriever, his hand held to his ear, his eyes squinted shut.

“Yes there is, Ronald,” answers Hermione patiently, explaining portable phones to him.

“I have got to get me one of those!” Ron responds, that way I won’t get caught up in that cord thingy and fall again. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen if I tried a cellytone out?”

“You have got to be kidding me, mate. The last time you used a telephone I got a beat ...” I stop myself mid sentence as Ginny instinctively reaches for my hand. Friends can hold hands, can’t they?

“And the jury is thstill out regarding thside effecths on the human brain from thosthe portable telephonthse,” Hanklesphinkter explains. “Which isth why I never usth them.” Apparently, he’s behind on his Muggle studies too. I can’t help but smile as I watch the Purebloods take a step back from the huge tower, with its revolving restaurant high in the sky. I laugh as I hear Justin tell Blaise that brain damage from invisible rays can occur to Purebloods who stand too close to the tower. Justin collects a few coins from the Slytherin who gratefully accepts a hat made of aluminum foil.

There are two lifts with full windows on the outside of the Fensehturm tower and the Purebloods who have never been on one are in for a real treat. I enjoy the sensation of my stomach jumping into my chest when it’s from something I can identify. Like Ginny or lifts, or both. Once the class is cramped into one of the lifts, I sneak a closing spell and watch as the doors slide shut, a sly look of regret on my face as I tell them stoically that Ginny and I will have to wait for the next lift. I just want to be alone with her for a minute. The look on Hanklesphinkter’s face when the lift door closed means I’ll have detention when I return to the school. It’s his job on the line if anything happens to me, but if the Ministry really thinks it’s that simple, poor old Hollis would be in a lot more trouble because it would mean that Voldemort had won. Besides I’m not going back to the school when the trip is over.

The lifts are side by side now. Hermione looks squashed as Professor Trelawny shoves her out of the way to watch one of her shawls that blew away in the wind just as the lift door had closed. The Purebloods look scared to death. Ginny doesn’t seem impressed with the lifts either but at least she’s holding onto me for support. My stomach swoops from her touch and the quick ascent.

I swore not to use magic on this trip and I’ve already pushed it as it is. But I want the lift to slow down ... That is until I realize that poor Hermione, Justin and Hanklesphinkter are trying to force students to stop levitating in the lift beside us because they’re apparently, by the looks of their crushed-to-the-glass faces, terrified the lift will fall because it’s been built by Muggles. I think baby steps would have been the better idea here!

Thinking quickly, I speed up my lift to arrive upstairs onto the restaurant level first. “Ginny, please, quick, stand beside me and say ta da! when the lift arrives. I’m going to try to pull off a Harry Houdini type thing.”

“I’m sorry Harry, I’ve never heard of him.” Looking puzzled, Ginny does what I tell her. I hold the other lift closed with my concealed wand as we stand on the red carpet leading into the dining room. By now, diners can hear screaming coming from the lift and all eyes are on us.

“Ladies and gentleman, as a surprise entertainment feature, please welcome me ... er ... Harry Houdinius ...” Okay, that was lame, but it’s the best I can come up with. As loud as I can, I shout Abra Kadabra! at the doors of the lift just as it opens from the sheer force of panicked students working against my closing spell. Everyone except Hermione, Hanklesphinkter and Justin Finch-Fletchley, are levitating near the ceiling of the lift, terrified still that it will plunge to the ground.

“Ta Da!” Ginny forces out, shrinking, but flourishing her arms like a pro magician assistant, only much more beautiful and far less cheesy. Applause breaks out and there are exclamations in German that I can only assume mean How’d he make those people in the lift float?

Professor Trelawny lands in an undignified position on the floor followed by the students who have one by one, managed to peel themselves from the ceiling of the lift. For the rest of the evening, Ginny and I work for our dinner, telling the manager that we had accidentally arrived at the wrong gig. I thought he was going to call the police! My friends shoot us sympathetic looks as Justin amuses himself by requesting that we pull rabbits from hats and other such mundane bits of magic that Muggles seem to love. Ginny turns Justin into an owl and hands him to a beaming Susan who declines our offer to change him back. She winks at Ginny and whispers that now she will be able to sneak Justin into her room and then change him back once inside. Now why couldn’t I be that brilliant?

After three hours of exhausting Transfigurations, Apparations, and Side-along Apparations, where Ginny and I would sneak a few minutes alone giggling at the Muggle wonder, which she clearly enjoys as much as her father would have, the manager lets us off the hook and brings us a late dinner. Ron tries to fork a huge piece of steak from my plate.

“I wouldn’t touch that if you value your hands,” Ginny warns her older brother, looking down to see Ron’s other hand entwined with Hermione’s. Professor Trelawny is applauding louder than the Muggles and when I see the Jagermeister bottles, I know why she’s acting like she’s never seen magic before and is giggling like a school girl at everything Hanklesphinkter says to her. Who said you need to go to France or Italy for romance? If only for tonight, thanks to a certain Hit Wizard, a really cracking Magical Reversal Squad, a few Healing Charms and human wonder in far away places, we escaped reality. Ginny and I take a final bow and I bend down to kiss my lovely assistant. Yeah, assistant ... er ... friend, like that ... itsth been a time of lasthting memorieths. Okay, I’ve got to stop listening to my professor talk so intently and pay more attention to the lips of my ... But that is another story.


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