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SIYE Time:7:37 on 19th March 2024
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We Haven't Got A Clue!
By tangle elfwand

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Category: Cluedo Challenge (2010-4), Cluedo Challenge (2010-4)
Characters:Draco Malfoy, Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Ron Weasley
Genres: Comedy, Fluff, General, Humor, Romance
Warnings: Mild Sexual Situations
Story is Complete
Rating: PG
Reviews: 3
Summary: Our favourite couple are missing! Has Harry been hero-napped? Is this all the work of a First-Year? Why are there so many poodles? These questions and many more inside!
Hitcount: Story Total: 3540



Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work.



Author's Notes:
Finally i've finished! This is exciting for me. Anyhoo I was going to try and fit every Cluedo character in some shape or form, and I was even going to give Betty White a cameo as a Professor. But if you'd like you can think of Neville as Mr. Green, Luna as Colonal Mustard and Draco as Mrs. White. Other than that I apologise for any formatting gone awry. But enjoy!




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Ah, September. The month when students of Hogwarts flocked back to their beloved school year after year, and with the end of the tyranny of Lord Voldemort this group grew larger, and in some cases older, than ever. This included the lovely Miss Hermione Granger, who was awakening on the morning of her 19th birthday expecting loving treatment from her boyfriend, Ron, and her friends.

“It’ll be tough to get those two in the same room after last night’s affairs,” She muttered incoherently, her sleepy mind bringing back tiny flashes of the most epic row in the history of ‘The Harry and Ginny Saga’ as she and Neville called it when they weren’t at the receiving end of a rant by the two people in question.

“He wonders why I come in late, and I tell him it’s none of his business, and he gets all defensive and starts mumbling to himself about deadlines and owls… it’s utterly ridiculous! I’m a single witch and can do as I please. Are you listening to me Hermione?”

“Yes Ginny, you’re right. Harry’s being a foul git for not asking you out as soon as he was ready.”
“It’s not about that; it’s a matter of witches’ rights….”


It was always the same with both parties, and to be quite frank Hermione was over the whole mess. She hoped the two would put aside their differences long enough to eat a piece of cake in peace.

“Piece in peace… an excellent play on words if I do say so myself. Nicely done Hermione.”

“Err, are you talking to yourself?” said a slightly alarmed redhead at the door with a large present in his arms. “Scratch that… were you praising yourself?”

“Ah, yes Ronald. It’s part of my… err… morning schedule!” She sighed and slumped back under the covers. “You probably think I’m a right basketcase now.”

Ron grinned “Well I figured you had to be, you are seeing me after all,” He walked over and sat on the end of her bed. “Happy Birthday you loon.”

Hermione smiled at him brightly, reaching over to the present and giving him a chaste kiss. In a very un-Hermione-like fashion she tore at the wrappings eagerly, only to find a slightly smaller box. This continued for a few more layers until she found a small jewellery box with a delicate silver chain and heart-shaped lockets.

“Not had enough of lockets eh Ron?” She commented wryly.

“That’s the point, see? Every time I think back to all that I can see you wearing it and know that in the end it made me understand how much I love you. Adding some positivity to some of the negative connotations and all that.” He finished proudly. Hermione arched an eyebrow at his words.

“Did you honestly say the word ‘connotations’ just now?” She said with a half-smile.

“Well I can’t always drown out your intelligence by snogging now can I?” He replied playfully, earning a giggle from his girlfriend. This naturally turned into more of a- well, let’s just say some teenage sweethearts shenanigans, and had entered into a full-on snogging session when they were abruptly interrupted by Neville Longbottom.

“Ahh!” He squealed, putting his hands over his eyes and backing out of the room. “Sorry to barge in like that, only we have a bit of a crisis here.”

“Can’t it wait?” Hermione whined “It’s my bloody birthday you know.”

“Well, I’d wait til tomorrow, but… Harry’s gone missing. He never came back to the Eighth-Year dorms last night, as Ron would know if he didn’t snore like a Blue-Leafed Pop Fern. I checked the Marauder’s Map and everything, he’s nowhere on it.”

This made Hermione stand up, knocking Ron onto the floor in an undignified fashion. She’d recently expanded the Map to include Hogsmeade as well as the Hogwarts ground. If Harry was sneaking off for a Butterbeer or something they’d already know. This made the skin on the back of her neck crawl. He wasn’t at Hogwarts, he wasn’t in Hogsmeade.

“Something’s happened to Harry.” She managed to choke out.

“There’s more,” Neville replied sombrely “There’s no sign of Ginny either.”

**

It took all of five minutes for Hermione to dress and storm her way out the dorm room and into the Entrance Hall (Gryffindor’s Eighth-Year dorms were in a transfigured broom closet). Her eyes were hawklike and eyed every single person in the vicinity. Ron followed behind her looking confused. As far as he was concerned this wasn’t that big of a deal. There were plenty of places that the Marauder’s Map didn’t reach and he felt like he needed to remind her of that. Before he could even get his chance her eyes brightened and a quick smile flashed across her face. This was her ‘Brilliant Idea’ face, which was exactly the same face she made when he nibbled on her-


“It’s so obvious Ron! I know exactly who can help us!” She exclaimed, bringing hm out of his reminiscing of five minutes ago.

“Oh no, please tell me you don’t mean-“

“But he’s perfect! He was the top Tracker in the Auror division his whole career. The man only needs to see a room or two of a crime scene and he cracks the mystery. Remember that story in the Prophet about him saving that Boddy fellow?”

“Sure the bloke was great way back when, but Hermione… he’s round the twist. Barking mad. Have you been listening in Defence Against the Dark Arts lately? It’s all about his purebred poodles and nonsense. I’m not letting a madman help us find them.” He finished conclusively, but Hermione had already left him and began to climb the stairs. He sprinted to catch up with her, hoping to bring her to seeing sense. This man was worse than Lockhart. Well, almost as bad.

“Nothing you say will change this Ronald. So put on a smile and get ready: we’re going to see Professor Plum.”

**

Large portraits of fluffy dogs lined the walls of the professor’s office, each yipping away excitedly at their new visitors. The one furthest from the door, who was a light shade of green, was growling at Ron, but he was used to portraits disliking him so he rarely took it personally any more. Sweet papers practically covered the surrounding carpet, obviously in a sort of vain attempt to throw them into the small bin nearby that was already overflowing. The professor himself was dozing in his chair, a nightcap perched perilously on his frizzled grey hair. He wore a dragonskin smoking jacket and silk pyjama pants, and Hermione amused herself with the notion that he believed he was some kind of wizarding world Hugh Hefner. She coughed lightly to get his attention, but as it was barely heard over the noise of the dog’s barking Ron took matters into his own hands and strode towards the practitioner or pedagogy.

“OI!” He screamed loudly into the man’s ear. Professor Plum jumped with alarm and began giggling hysterically, tears rolling down his face.

“My, my, that was a fright indeed! Miss Granger, Mr err….”

“Weasley,” Ron completed with a sad sigh.

“Nonsense! Weasley is the name of that charming Seventh-Year girl, the redheaded one,” He examined Ron with surprise and flushed a dark red “and I’m assuming you’re her brother then. My apologies I assure you.”

“Nah I’m used to it,” Ron shrugged “Anyway, speaking of my sister…”

“She’s missing,” Hermione chimed in “Harry Potter too. We were wondering if-“

“Say no more, say no more. You need the skills of a Tracker no doubt, and I’m just the man to
give them to you!” He stood proudly and his silk pants fell slightly, revealing a pair of lilac boxer shorts. He once more blushed furiously and hastily pulled them up.

“So you’ll help us then?” Ron asked with a small amount of exasperation in his voice, which Hermione caught and glared at him for.

“Found in two hours or your money back,” The professor replied in a singsong voice. And with that he danced towards the door and out into the hall.

**

An hour later and their searching was yielding no results. Their first stop was Hagrid’s house, hoping Neville merely overlooked in it his haste. The place was empty as Hagrid was on a holiday in France for a few weeks and though Professor Plum exclaimed that he’d found Harry it turned out to be a large pot covered in some animal fur. This was the not the first or the last time Hermione regretted asking him to help. There was the incident in the Gryffindor common room when he thought the fire was Ginny, and the unforgettable moment of stupidity when he tackled a poor house-elf accusing him of being Sirius Black. That had required some healing magic on the part of Hermione and a brief retelling of recent history regarding Sirius by Ron to the professor. However all strange but painful situations can give life to helpful clues, and as Hermione was mending the elf’s fingers she spotted something hovering in the corner of the Great Hall.

“Hermione, there’s a bloody broomstick over there!” Ron exclaimed, feeling a break in the case. He ran over to it and brought it to her.

“This is Harry’s broom! A Firebolt 180, I’d recognise it anywhere,” Hermione said excitedly, finally given hard evidence that Harry could be somewhere in the castle.

“So what was Mr Potter doing with a broomstick in the Great Hall?” Professor Plum mused aloud. This took two-thirds of our heroes into separate trains of thought. This hadn’t been there on their first trip in here this morning, so either someone was laying them out a fake trail or Harry had been in here in the last hour.

“Oi Granger, Weasley!” An unpleasant voice shouted from nearby. Both broke from their reveries to see Draco Malfoy striding towards them purposefully, an angry look on his face. None of the trio had had any problems with the young man since they testified for him at his trial to prevent him being sent to Azkaban. If not for them Draco knew his whole family would be stuck there, so he was grateful in his own way. This was until today however.

“What do you want, Draco?” Hermione asked calmly, the use of his first name surprising everyone.

“Can you tell Potter not to snoop around in the Slytherin common room again? It’s none of his stinking business what we do in there and if McGonagall finds out about it she’ll take fifty points from Gryffindor,” He grinned evilly for a moment “And we wouldn’t want that, would we?”

“I’ve got no idea what you’re going on about Malfoy, but as it happens we’re trying to find Harry. Do you think he’s in your common room?” Ron asked with a bit of reluctance, not really wanting to go to his former arch-nemesis for help.

“Potter’s gone missing? You sure he’s not just messing around in a broom cupboard with your sister?” Draco asked with a slight sneer. Ron blushed angrily.

“My baby sister doesn’t go around sneaking in broom cupboards you little snake. Besides the two of them don’t even talk without rowing, let alone...” Ron finished with a slight defensiveness to his tone. Draco laughed at the look on his face and decided to give them a break for once.

“Look, I don’t like any of you, but I guess I owe Potter this much. Come to the dungeons with me and you can have a look for the Chosen One and take his stupid Quidditch jersey he left on the table.”

**

The Slytherin common room was as dark and depressing as Ron remembered, though he did feel the atmosphere was a little different. This may have been due to the mass amount of Slytherins who had left the country after their parents were sent to Azkaban, but he wasn’t sure. A few of the First-Years were laughing and reading a Muggle comic book.

“So as I was saying, for some unknown reason Potter’s Gryffindor training jersey has made its way down here. Any explanations?”

Ron looked baffled, and Professor Plum had left them to look through some windows similar to those at the Ministry. Hermione just gasped and turned a light but delicate shade of pink. She remembered this piece of clothing alright.

“That jersey’s Harry’s old one, not this year’s. He had to get a new one because the other one went missing… and by missing I mean Ginny took it back when they were dating and used to sleep in it!” She said in a rush of jumbled words, and the two boys had to think quick to keep up with her.

“So technically this isn’t Harry’s? Why would Gin be in the Slytherin common room with a Quidditch shirt?” Ron’s questions were not to remain unanswered for long as a small but distinctly evil cackle was heard from the stairs.

“The question indeed, Ronald Weasley… what happened to poor Ginny that we Slytherins have come in possession of her possessions? All in good time, good fellow.” Ron turned to look at the speaker and found a tiny girl, Second-Year at the oldest, with frizzy blonde hair and a nose to rival Snape’s. She looked down at him, cackled once more, and disappeared into the room next to her.

Draco looked on in stunned silence, though the amusement in this situation was beginning to grow on him. “That’s Renee, err… something. Completely obsessed over the great Harry Potter, so I wouldn’t count her out over doing something to your sister… She’s got relatives in Gryffindor so she knows all the gossip over the former Golden Couple. Maybe she didn’t want to risk them getting back together.”

“That’s stupid, Harry’s not some kind of cradle-snatcher, he’d never be interested” Hermione scoffed.

“Granger, can you honestly tell me of a teenage girl who thinks about that sort of thing when they’re going gaga over some famous bloke? You’d know, what with Lockhart and all…” Draco said with a smug smile, causing Ron to snigger until he realised he was laughing at a joke made by a man he hated at the expense of the woman he loved. That shut him up nice and quickly.

“Very funny Malfoy. Now if you’ll excuse us we’re sort of in a bit of a rush. Come on Ron, I’m
hoping we can have some lunch before Kreacher brings the cake.”

“Oh yeah, it’s your birthday today isn’t it? Happy Birthday I guess, mud- err… I mean Happy Birthday Hermione,” Draco said tentatively, looking into her eyes and seeing her smiling slightly.

“Thanks Draco, that really means a lot. Umm, Professor? Are you coming?” Hermione asked Professor Plum, who seemed to confused as to his whereabouts as he was standing in a corner staring at the ceiling looking confused. At her voice however he turned, a delighted smile on his face.

“Miss Granger, what a pleasure! How can I help you today?” He asked politely, pulling a pipe from his Playboy-esque jacket and letting the mustard yellow smoke billow freely. Hermione merely rolled her eyes and made her way to the exit.

**

After searching the potions room, many seemingly empty classrooms and checking the owlery to see if their fears were coming true and someone had sent them a ransom note, it was nearly noon and both Ron and Hermione were starving, having chosen to search the castle for five hours rather than eat breakfast. Neville and Luna had gotten permission to visit Hogsmeade just in case either Harry or Ginny were in a blind spot of the map, and they had come up short as well. Professor Plum had been of no assistance once again, as he had led them to three fake doors, two broken staircases and a particularly nasty portrait who had sworn at them with every bit of foul language Ron knew, and even a few words he’d never heard of but wanted to tell George in case he knew what they meant.

What they needed was a break in the case, a real one, nothing like the red herrings they’d gotten with the jersey and probably the broomstick. If Ron was to recall the last eight or so years of his life he would’ve noticed the pattern of red herrings seemed to follow their small group, but Ron was unconcerned with such things and he didn’t care that Snape was never the villain until it was unexpected.

Suddenly, out of nowhere and seemingly an unexpected plot twist until you understand the background, Ron and Hermione were confronted by a girl Hermione was pretty sure was a year younger than Ginny, though she looked about ten. Her strawberry blonde hair was obviously full of products and she wore Gryffindor robes. She looked up at the two of them with a look of both contempt and smugness.

“So I hear you’re looking for Harry and Ginny? I can help you there. Scarlett Peacock, the eyes and ears of Hogwarts. I know the gossip before it even exists, I’m that good.”

“I see… then why haven’t I ever heard of you before?” Hermione asked softly, trying her hardest not to be cruel to the girl as she needed any leads she could get.

“No one sees or hears me until they need me, that’s the way it rolls. That’s the way I roll. Tell me, have you checked every room that you’ve been required to?” She said enigmatically, though Ron caught on in an instant.

“Blimey Hermione, we forgot the Room of Requirement. Come with us pipsqueak, we might need your big mouth to find these two.”

**

It was empty. They tried every variant of ‘If Harry and/or Ginny is inside let us in please’ but no results. Eventually they gave up on that and tried a simple requirement, but the room full of bookcases yielded no bespectacled boy or freckly girl. Hermione turned to the younger Scarlett, her face barely concealing her fury. Professor Plum was looking thoughtful, and spoke first.

“Miss Peacock, why are you preventing these lovely young folks from finding their friends? Is it to do with your cousin Renee?” Hermione gasped at this new piece of information, and Scarlett looked down at the floor, ashamed.

“I was only trying to help her sir. She really seems to like Harry and I want her to be happy… You should’ve seen her smile when she got the jersey, it made my week.”

“So you took the Qudditch jersey? I guess you just snuck up to Ginny’s dormitory one day and snatched it?” Hermione nearly yelled, her patience wearing very thin from a variety of reasons, a few of them food-related.

“Well yeah. I saw her wearing it the other night and it just seemed perfect to cheer Ren up.” Scarlett finished feebly, knowing her excuses were very lame. Ron didn’t like this answer on a variety of levels.

“But they split up… they hate each other’s guts at the moment. Why would she wear his… bloody hell!” He looked near fainting and both Scarlett and Professor Plum looked alarmed. Hermione knew exactly what he was thinking.

“Yes Ron, there’s a very good chance that Harry and your sister just spent the night together. They’d in the room next to the Great Hall, the one where the door pretends to be a wall. Damn things unplottable and Harry knew that! The sneaky little-“ she stopped mid-sentence when she realised Ron was already running towards the staircase and she followed suit.

**

The room next to the Great Hall was always dark and creepy, but Harry had changed all that. The place had been illuminated in candles, the mangy remaining desks replaced with a nice king-sized bed. He and Ginny were asleep in each other’s arms, dreaming of their great deception for the past two months. No one had even a clue.

“Bloody hell,” A male voice said from the doorway… or lack thereof. Harry jumped up straight in bed, pulling the covers over his bare chest and knocking a still very clothed Ginny from the bed. This woke her with a start and as she turned around to yell at Harry she noticed the small crowd at the door. Ron, Hermione, the new professor, Draco Malfoy, Scarlett from the year below, and some small Slytherin girl had all just seen her in bed with Harry. Rather than feel embarrassed she grinned up at them, seemingly unsurprised.

“Hi guys! Happy Birthday, Hermione. Who’s up for some lunch?”
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