SIYE Time:19:34 on 23rd March 2019

The Best Man
By Pottermum

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Category: Post-Hogwarts
Genres: General, Humor, Romance
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Sexual Situations, Negative Alcohol Use
Story is Complete
Rating: R
Reviews: 4
Summary: All the drunken fun from Harry's Stag nigh and Ginny's Hen night. See what happens when the two collide.
Hitcount: Story Total: 2986

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work.

Author's Notes:
Rated R for drunken behavior and nudity.


Seamus Finnegan looked around in satisfaction. Harry's bucks night was going well, even though Harry had insisted on just drinks at the pub. Seamus had volunteered his family pub, and the invites had gone out. All the Weasley brothers were there, as well as Lee, Neville, Dean and Oliver Wood. Kingsley Shacklebolt, Gawain Robards and a few of Harry's Auror mates had been there earlier, but had to leave as they were working the next day. Harry had the week off leading up to the wedding, as well as a couple of weeks after for their honeymoon.

Harry was having a great time. He was with all his friends, celebrating the end of his bachelorhood. He couldn't wait to marry Ginny, at times he could barely believe she loved him as much as he loved her. Soon, she would be Mrs Potter, and be his wife. His wife! He would have a wife!

“I'm getting married!” he drunkenly called out.

“Cheers,” yelled his friends, raising their glasses and skolling their drinks. Harry took a big gulp of his drink and set it down. He turned to look at his friends, not noticing Seamus replace his half empty glass with a full one. He had done this often.

Harry's glance fell on a table of blurry red heads. His soon-to-be brothers-in-law. He unsteadily got off his stool at the bar and went over to them.

“Here he is, the man of the hour,” toasted George. “Budge over,” he said to Percy.

Percy was quite drunk but he managed to move over, squashed between George and Bill. “I love you guys, you know that, right. I really love you.” He lay his head on Bill's shoulder and started snoring.

Ron snorted, gesturing to Percy. “He's a sappy drunk, been saying that since his last drink.”

Bill grinned. “Oh yeah? We've just had to listen to you go on and on about Hermione's brilliant curly hair.” He shrugged Percy off of him. Percy jerked awake.

Ron got a far away look in his eyes. “It's just so soft, and springy. I remember how she wore it to the Yule Ball, and -”

“Oh no, is he still going on about Hermione's hair?” asked Charlie, sitting down next to Harry. He placed five shot glasses on the table. “At least you don't go on like that about Gin. That would be weird.”

Harry thought about Ginny, back at the Burrow. He was hoping she was enjoying her hen's night. Like him, she wanted a simple get together with her friends and family. Merlin, she was magnificent. All fiery and golden, his Ginny was-

“Oy, stop thinking about my sister. You've got that same look on your face as Ron. Here,” said Charlie, dispensing out the shot glasses. He declined to give Percy one. He picked up his shot glass and held it up. The others followed. “To Harry, our brother.”

“To Harry,” cried Ron, Bill and George, tossing their shots back. Harry gestured with his glass in thanks and tossed his back too. Immediately, the room began to swim. “Woah!” he said.

“Another round,” called Charlie, gesturing to Seamus.

“When are the strippers getting here?” asked Oliver.

“No strippers. I had me orders,” said Seamus, bringing over a bottle. He re-filled the shot glasses.

“No strippers!” cried Ron and George, aghast. Harry smiled happily, in a drunken daze. “No strippers!”

“He didn't want them, and Ginny sent me a Howler,” said Seamus, gesturing to Harry. “I don't plan to have your witch mad at me. She said she'd cast the Bat bogey hex on me, and not on my nose, if you get me drift.”

“My witch,” said Harry, happily. He started to hum the wedding march.

“The girls are having strippers?” said Oliver.

“What?” Harry stopped humming and looked at Oliver with shock. “Ginny's not having strippers. She's only allowed to see me naked,” said Harry, firmly.

“I don't want to know about that,” said Ron, screwing up his nose. He picked up his glass..

“Here's to not knowing about Harry and Ginny getting naked.” All his brothers took their shots.

Harry smirked. “You guys do know we live together already. We do share a bedroom already.”

Neville giggled. “Naked. It's such a funny word.” Seamus and Dean snickered, then the whole group of them started laughing.


Ginny looked around in satisfaction. Her hen's night was just what she wanted. Her best friends and family here at the Burrow. Seeing it was such a warm night out, they'd eaten outside. She sat with little Teddy on her lap. He was four, and had been over since lunch time, along with Andromeda, who had been helping her mum in the kitchen, preparing for tonight. Ginny had taken Teddy for a gentle fly, then they'd gone swimming in the creek. Now he cuddled on her lap, in just his swimmers and a little Harpies t-shirt.

“Here Ginny, unwrap my present,” said Luna, handing over an envelope. Teddy sat up. “Pwesent?”

“You can help me unwrap another present, Teddy Bear,” said Ginny. “Thank you Luna. I'm so happy that you came back in time for tonight.” She opened the envelope and read it.

“Rolf and I would love you to join us at the Open Season Nudist Colony. Honestly Ginny, it's a good place for a honeymoon. It's not like you'd be wearing many clothes anyway. To be honest, I feel strange wearing clothes right now,” said Luna, plucking at her dress. Ginny feared she might take it off then and there.

“A nudist colony? Well, I never!” huffed Great Aunt Muriel, quite shocked.

“Well then, you should. It's very freeing,” said Luna, sitting down next to Aunt Muriel. She then proceeded to extoll the virtues of a nudist colony.

Molly, who was sitting nearby, covered her mouth with her hand, trying to contain her laughter. She hiccuped, having consumed some elf wine.”Open Season? Sounds more like a swingers commune.”

“Mum, are you tipsy?” laughed Ginny, opening another gift and holding it up. It was an emerald green nightgown. “Pwetty,” said Teddy. He reached out to touch it.

“It iz made of ze finest French zilk,” drawled Fleur. “Zere are matching panties.”

“What for? Once Harry sees her in that, he'll rip it straight off her,” grinned Angie. Katie Bell giggled, nodding in agreement.

“Undies will only delay things,” giggled Hermione.

“Ha, you lot don't know my Harry,” boasted Ginny. “If he wants those things off me, he'll just banish them. When he's randy, he doesn't let anything get in his way.”

“What's randy, Ginny?” asked Teddy. “It means happy, Teddy,” whispered Ginny. “Oh,” said the little boy.

“Oh, I don't want to know that about my best friend,” said Hermione, screwing up her nose. Ginny grinned at her.

“I wonder how the boys are doing?” asked Hannah Longbottom. “With Seamus in charge, who knows what will happen.”

“I sent him a Howler, promising bat bogeys would come out of an orifice of my choosing if anything happens to Harry. I know Harry doesn't want strippers. He'd get embarassed around half naked women. Poor bloke wouldn't know where to look,” smirked Ginny.

“Well, zat is a good zing, no?” asked Gabrielle, Fleur's younger sister. “It meanz he will be faithful to you, zat he does not want to look at ze ozzer women.”

“Oh, I trust Harry completely, but there are women out there who throw themselves at him. It makes him uncomfortable. I just want my Harry to have happy days from now on,” said Ginny.

“He's certainly happiest when he's with you,” smiled Hermione, squeezing her hand. She raised her glass. “To Ginny and Harry, and happy days.”

“To Happy Days,” they all toasted.

Ginny put her glass down. “So, when are the strippers getting here?”


“You're-hic-gonn a be my-brother, like, for real,” said Ron, his arm around Harry.

“Oh boy,” said Charlie, rolling his eyes. “Another sappy Weasley.”

Ron gave him the finger. “Shut it. You— hic —have no idea what me and um, um-”

“Harry?” said Harry.

“Yeah, that's it!” said Ron, snapping his fingers. He turned back to Charlie. “You have no idea what me-hic-and him have been through together. He was- hic-already my-hic-brother! But now-hic-it's for real.”

“I'm so happy you had a sister. Otherwise, I'd been getting naked with someone else's sister,” said Harry,swaying in his chair.

“Naked,” giggled Neville again.

“Who's sister?” asked Ron, swaying in time in time with Harry. His head was buzzing and he was confused.

“What?” asked Harry. It was hard to concentrate.

“Well, the strippers should be getting to Ginny's about now,” said Oliver, checking his watch.

“No. No strippers,” said Harry, getting to his feet. He swaggered, knocking into Neville. “You want Hannah to see strippers?”

“No way,” grimaced Neville.

“What about you, George? Bill? These strippers are gonna...strip in front of our witches. Ron, Hermione's going to see his-”

“Bollocks! We should go,” said Ron, standing up. He got out his wand. “We need to protect our witches!”

“From what?” asked an amused Charlie.

“I know, we should go and take their place. That way our witches will see us naked. You guys in?”asked George.

“But, if they're going to see us naked, then we'll have to get naked,” said Neville, nervously. He wasn't laughing at the word naked now!

“We could be in disguise,” said Harry, excitedly.

“Yeah,” grinned George and Ron.

“But we'd be naked,” said Neville, confused. “How can we be in disguise?”

“Let's go,” said Bill, dragging Percy with him. Charlie pulled a reluctant Neville with him, and Lee and Oliver followed too. They quickly went to the fireplace and flooed away.

Seamus, who had been in the kitchen, came out. He looked around. “Shit! Dean, wake up. Bloody hell, Dean!”

“Wha? Wazzgoinon?” asked Dean, lifting his head off the bar.

“Where did everybody go?” asked Seamus. Dean sat up and looked around. He looked bewildered, then started cackling.

“What's so bloody funny?” demanded Seamus.

“Wait till Ginny finds out you lost Harry and her brothers,” he laughed.

Seamus paled, and clenched his buttocks together.


The men arrived in the Burrow kitchen. Sure enough, there were five men there, dressed in different outfits. There was an Indian, a construction worker, a policeman, a cowboy and a leather clad man.

“Hi, we're the Village People,” they chorused together.

“We're from the village of Ottery St Catchpole and-” began the policeman.

“Thank you for your time but your services are no longer required,” said Charlie.

“Yeah, nick off,” growled Ron.

“You still need to pay us,” said the Indian defiantly.

“Damn, I wanted to meet Ginny Weasley, the Harpy player, they're my favourite team,” said the leather clad man.

“My Harpy,” growled Harry. The man put his hands up in surrender.

“Thanks Gents,” said Charlie, escorting them to the floo after paying them off. “Right then, how do you want to do this?”

“Do what?” asked Percy, finally waking up. “Hey, we're home! When did that happen?”

“I can't strip in front of your mother,” blurted out Neville. The men looked at him, nodding in agreement.

“I know, let's do a nudie run,” said George. Oliver, Lee and Charlie looked keen.

“We still have to see your mother,” said Neville.

“I know, we'll put paper bags over our head so they won't know it's us. We'll just run out there, run around and come back here, okay?” asked George.

“If we've got a bag on our head, how will we know where to go?” asked Neville.

“We'll cut out eyes,” said Bill. “I'm in. Harry, Ron?”

Ron nodded. Harry was looking out the window. Ginny was out there, sitting with Teddy in her lap. She was laughing at something that Gwenog Jones said. He sighed, she was so beautiful and she was his. He nodded. “I'm in.”

Charlie conjured some paper bags and Bill cut out eyes for everyone. They started to strip, glad it was such a warm night. “No chance of shrinkage,” laughed George.

“Everyone ready? On the count of three, two, one-let's go!” cried Charlie.


Ginny laughed as Gwenog told her the story of her sister, Hestia's hens night. Something caught her eye and she turned in shock to see eight naked men run from her parents house, giggling naughtily and holding their hands over their privates.

“Merlin's beard!” cried Molly. The men weaved in and out of the ladies, as they were sitting in small groups in the garden. One of them stopped to nick some food from the table.

“Ron, come on,” they heard one of the men say.

Hermione's mouth dropped open. “Ronald Weasley, is that you?”

The paper bag shook negatively. “No, 'Mione, it's not me, I mean, Ron. Gotta go.” He ran off.

Ginny looked annoyed. “These are my strippers? My brothers? Ugh, wait, is that Lee, too?”

“That's Ollie's ass,” gasped Katie, pointing.

“Neville Longbottom?”

One of the paper bagged men stopped. “Gran?” he said weakly. Hannah laughed, then turned it into a cough as Augusta Longbotom looked sternly at her.

Gwenog started laughing. Once the women knew it was their husbands and partners, there was butt slapping as they claimed their men. The men were ducking and weaving, having a lot of fun.

“I know those freckles.” Slap.

“That butt belongs to my husband.” Slap.

“Merci, zat is my Beel.” Slap.

There was one man, however, that was unclaimed. He ran around. Luna was right, being naked was quite freeing. He giggled. Neville was right too, naked was a funny word.

He felt a stinging sensation on his left buttock and jumped. He turned, still cupping his privates, to see his Ginny with her wand out. “What did you do?”

“I marked my wizard. Please, continue. After all, you're my entertainment,” smirked Ginny, waving her hand. Teddy wiggled off her lap. “Izzat Hawwy?”

Harry twisted around, trying to check his butt. Ron laughed. “Now you've got a lightening bolt on your ass to match the one of your head.”

“Come on, lads, show's over. One last lap, then head for the house,” chuckled Charlie.

Once again, they ducked and ran around the women. Neville stayed far away from his grandmother, only to have Molly Weasley pat his bare butt as he ran past.

Harry ran to Ginny and kissed her quickly. She giggled, patting his butt and he ran off.

Teddy had pulled off his swimmers and t-shirt. “Me too? Hawwy, wait for me.” He ran on his little legs.

Harry stopped and waited for naked Teddy to reach him. Teddy lifted his arms and Harry picked him up, momentarily forgetting that his hands had been covering his privates. He gave the ladies an eyeful!

“Merlin's beard!” cried Molly again.

“I say!” gasped Augusta Longbottom.

“You're a lucky girl, Weasley,” grinned Gwenog.

“I know,” smirked Ginny. Hermione, Angie, Audrey, Katie, Gabrielle and Fleur all laughed.

Harry blushed under his paper bag and quickly turned away, running and taking Teddy with him. Teddy waved to the laughing women, and they waved back.

The last man stopped to face them. “Ladies, it's been a pleasure.” He held his arms out wide, exposing all for them to see. Then he bowed, making the paper bag fall off his head.

“Percy!” cried Audrey and Molly together.

By now, the ladies were all howling with laughter. Percy came over, kissed Audrey passionately and kissed his mother on the cheek. He bowed to Aunt Muriel, who didn't know where to look. Then he ran back to the house.

“Well, I never,” said Aunt Muriel, fanning her face with her hand.

“I quite enjoyed it,” said Luna. “It was fun trying to match the buttocks with the wizard they belonged to. It was ever so helpful when Ginny marked Harry.”

“Maybe we all should have done that, marked our wizards,” giggled Angie. “I would have done a Canary Cream on George.”

“I would have done a broomstick on Ollie,” grinned Katie.

“A crown for Ron. After all, Weasley is my King,” sang Hermione. Ginny snorted.

“What about you, Hannah?” asked Luna. “What would you have marked Neville with?”

“Oh, his favourite plant. A Mimbulus Mimbletonia,” said Hannah, grinning.

“Wasn't Teddy cute,” giggled Ginny. “He always wants to be just like Harry.”

“Harry is going to be a great father one day,” agreed Andromeda.

“One day,” said Ginny. She still wanted to play Quidditch for another year or two. “Oh, here they come.”

The men were now dressed, except for Teddy. The ladies all wof whistled and applauded them. Harry carried Teddy to where Ginny sat and set him down. Andromeda quickly pulled him aside to get him dressed. Harry went to Ginny and took her in his arms. “I love you,” he said, kissing her.

“I love you too,” chuckled Ginny. “Merlin, that was fun. Did you have a good night at your party?”

“I love you,” Harry repeated, stroking her hair. “You're so pretty.”

“Oh boy, you're still drunk, I should have known. Come on Harry, let's get you home,” said Ginny.

“And get naked.” Harry giggled, as did Neville. He held his hand up and Neville high fived him.

“To get to sleep,” corrected Ginny.

“Gin, do you want some help getting Harry home?” asked Arthur.

Harry held out his hand to Arthur. “Thank you Mr Weasley, for having Ginny. I love her.”

“I know you do, son,” chuckled Arthur. Molly dabbed her eyes on her handkerchief. Arthur put his arms around Harry on one side and with Ginny on his other side, they apparated away. Andromeda followed, for Teddy was sleeping the night at Harry and Ginny's.

The other guests began to leave too. Once Arthur returned from settling Harry, he helped Angie to get George home as well. Percy and Audrey decided to stay the night, as did Ron and Hermione. Fleur and Gabrielle attended to Bill. Augusta and Hannah saw Neville home. Katie took Ollie home, declining Arthur's help. Lee accepted an offer to sleep on the lounge.

Soon the Burrow was quiet, as the night's festivities were over.

In a pub in Ireland, a worried wizard was getting drunker and drunker, anticipating a call from an irate red haired witch.


Harry woke the next morning. He yawned and stretched, before trying to open his eyes. “Bloody hell,” he groaned, as the morning light hit him. He tried to sit up, but a pain in his head made him lay down again. “Ohhhhh,” he groaned.

“Accio potion,” said Ginny softly. A potion on her bedside table flew into her hand. “Here, drink this. Before you kiss me,” she said pulling away from him.

Harry drank it all down, then lay still. He could feel the recuperative powers of the potion working. He got up to pee, and brush his teeth. He bounded back to bed, pinning Ginny beneath him. “Good morning, love.” He kissed her, making her laugh.

“Good morning, Harry.” she ran her hands through his hair, and he leaned into her touch. She pulled his head down to hers and kissed him back. “Six days till our wedding.”

They heard the sound of footsteps. Teddy peeked his head in, smiling sleepily as he saw they were awake.

“Come on, Teddy, time for cuddles,” called Ginny. Harry held out his arms, and Teddy ran to Harry's side of the bed, and clamoured up, with Harry's help. Harry settled him between him and Ginny.

“Did you sleep good, Teddy?” asked Ginny. The boy nodded, cuddling close to Harry. Ginny smiled as Teddy changed his hair colour to match Harry's.

“How about we have a yummy breakfast, then get dressed and go to the Burrow. Harry and I need to collect our presents from the party last night. Maybe we can go for a fly again, wouild you like that?” asked Ginny.

“Can we wun awound nekkid again, Hawwy?” asked Teddy.

Harry chuckled. “No mate, that was just a one time thing. Now, why don't we go and get you dressed.”

“Okay.” Teddy climbed out of the bed and went to his room.

“Merlin, did we really do a nudie run last night?” groaned Harry, his head in his hands.

Ginny giggled. “You certainly did. And when you stopped to pick Teddy up, well you kind of flashed the goods at everyone. I think you left Aunt Muriel speechless.”

“Oh no,” sighed Harry, shaking his head. “Why do I listen to your brothers? We were so drunk, then Ollie mentioned strippers and-”

“You had strippers?” asked Ginny.

“No, love, you know I don't like that sort of thing. Anyway-”

“Hawwy,” yelled Teddy. “Need help.”

“Coming Teddy,” yelled Harry back.

“It's fine, love,” said Ginny, soothingly. “Besides, all my family and friends got to see that, as well as being the groom, you're also the best man.”

“Ginny!”gasped Harry.

“Go, Teddy needs you,” she said, waving him away. She watched as he pulled some trackpants over his boxers. She wondered if the lightening bolt was still on his butt cheek. Speaking of...

In his bed above the pub, a sleeping Irishman twitched in his sleep. He felt a quick stinging sensation on his butt and he rubbed it, then went back to sleep.

When he woke, he drank some hangover potion and went for a shower. As he was towelling himself dry, he felt the stinging again. He rubbed it, but it only stung more. He checked the mirror and saw a four leaf clover stamped on his butt cheek, along with the initials GW.

He couldn't sit or lay on his butt for three days. He nearly fell asleep during Harry and Ginny's wedding ceremony. Ginny promised him it would wear off soon.

Harry and Ginny didn't get to use Luna's offer to visit them at the nudist colony. The day after the hens party, all the Weasley men had to go out and clean up, on their mother's orders. Percy had found the envelope, and pocketed it. He surprised Audrey with it for their next anniversary. Both agreed, Luna was onto something, and they returned there every anniversary for the next few years.


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