SIYE Time:6:01 on 14th December 2018

The Secret Diary of Hugo Granger-Weasley, Aged Thirteen and a Half
By FloreatCastellum

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Category: The Burrow Secret Challenge (2016-3)
Genres: Comedy
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: G
Reviews: 22
Summary: *** Winner of Most Humourous in the Burrow Secret Challenge ***
*** Winner of People's Choice Award in the Burrow Secret Challenge ***
Rose says that I am an oblivious moron, but would an oblivious moron have such a deep and sensitive diary? I don't think so. No one knows how I suffer in this ridiculous family.
Hitcount: Story Total: 3243

Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work.


16th December

9:32 am:
It has been a good first term to 2nd year, and I think I am well on my way to academic success. I am very sorry to leave. I wanted to stay at Hogwarts, or do something more exciting for Christmas, but Mum said we have to go to Devon and spend the whole Christmas holiday at Grandma Weasley’s. We do this almost every year but none of the adults ever seem to get bored.

Adrian is going to Cuba for Christmas. He told me in our last Charms lesson. I hope he has a rotten time.

10:12 am: They should really make the train a bit more accommodating. It’s a long journey, and while the compartments are quite comfortable at first there is not enough space to lie down. I suspect they do this on purpose just to make us suffer.

Adrian bought loads of sweets off the Trolley Witch. He offered some to me, but I said no to be polite. He hasn’t offered again. Sometimes my own kindness is a flaw.

10:47 am: Lily’s come into our apartment with her friend, and they ate loads of Adrian’s sweets because Lily’s parents are sensible and healthy. Adrian didn’t even seem to mind, but I would. Lily’s friend is called Esther and she’s not in Gryffindor, she’s in Hufflepuff. She’s still all right, I suppose.

11:01 am: I am in love with Esther.

4:17 pm: Mum and Dad were waiting for me on the platform when the train pulled in. Dad waved very… Bigly. I wish he wouldn’t. Enough people stare at us as it is.

I’d only just finished hugging them when Rose arrived too, and immediately pointed out that I have a big spot. Just my luck. I have been talking to Esther for hours and I thought her eyes kept flicking to my chin. She probably hates me now.

There was no point us chatting with the Potters as we’re going straight to the Burrow and will see them there, but Mum and Dad are making me anyway. At least Lily and Albus are all right, but yesterday James called me Hugo Poo-go and I haven’t forgiven him.

4:23 pm: Lily’s friend Esther is coming to the Burrow too! She started telling me about why her parents weren’t around this Christmas but I was too busy trying to subtly hide my chin to pay attention properly. Albus had his excitable friend with him too, and Rose didn’t look happy even though he was making some pretty good jokes. Albus didn’t look happy either, but I suspect, like me, he is tired of going to the Burrow every year. Anyway, they went in their car and we went in ours and Dad keeps waving at them in the rearview mirror.

Oh Merlin, I don’t know how to feel about Esther coming for Christmas. This is both good and bad, like an exam in a subject you’re good at, or when a good song is on the radio but Dad sings along. This could be the start of our life together, the beginning of our love, the blossoming of our romance.

But now that Rose has pointed it out, I can feel the spot on my chin and I’m sure it’s huge. Dad noticed me touching it a lot and he says not to worry because it cleared up for Eloise Midgen eventually, but I don’t know who that is and Mum gave him a look so I suspect he is being terribly cruel.

4:40pm: It is his fault anyway because he feeds us and he doesn’t know about vitamins and healthy food like Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny.

4:44 pm: I can’t believe he has done this to me, Mum leant me her mirror and the spot is huge and red, an even worse shade than my hair. This is a disaster and I bet Esther is laughing about me right now in the car behind us. I turned around to look but I could just see Uncle Harry waving back at Dad. The pair of them can be so selfish when it comes to my needs.

6:00pm: We are now at the Burrow with everyone else and I am furious. There are even more people here than usual this year (Victoire is moving abroad soon so Grandma wanted EVERYONE to come and stay, as if Victoire is going to go off and die or something) so there isn’t enough room. The adults have erected two tents in the garden and are FORCING me and the other children into staying there. Like ANIMALS. It is WINTER. I told Uncle Harry this, I pointed out how cold it would be and he just said that the tents would be very warm and had lots of blankets and that my Mum would do nice flames. ‘Luxury,’ he said. I said if this was the case, why couldn’t he and all the other adults stay in the tents while we stayed in the house? He said he hated camping and he had bad memories of it from the war.
I feel like Uncle Harry uses this as an excuse and that none of the adults care about us. They are very selfish and I don’t think they realize how much we suffer.

James says it’s going to be fun, but I know that just means that he’s going to keep us up all night talking about rude things and impersonating Albus. I wish I was in the girls’ tent instead so I could talk to Esther more, but I asked Mum if I could swap with Rose and she just raised her eyebrows and said, ‘what do you think?’ I think she is deliberately trying to sabotage my best chance of love, because she is overbearing and can’t accept that I am on the cusp of manhood. I am a ginger. I can’t rely on Lady Luck like Dad did. I have to take any romantic opportunity that arises or I will be lonely forever.

6:07 pm: I feel a lot better, Teddy will be in our tent to supervise us. Teddy is an established writer and is very wise and mature. Now James and Fred will not be able to set off any fireworks inside the tent.

6:09 pm: I just heard Teddy complaining to Harry about the tent situation. I am glad Teddy understands; he keeps saying something about modern times and it being OK to share with girls. I am glad Teddy is so forward thinking and he realises that it’s not right to treat children like this. Uncle Harry told him he can go and ask Bill if he’s so unhappy. I don’t see what Uncle Bill has to do with it, but Teddy seems to have given up very quickly.

6:30 pm: Grandma has served dinner and it’s a good job too, because I think I was close to fainting from low blood sugar. If this family isn’t careful, they could get done for child neglect.

Esther is really beautiful. She has long hair that reminds me of a Golden Retriever. I told her this, but she seemed offended. I told her they were my favourite dogs, but it didn’t seem to make a difference. Perhaps it was because of the spot on my chin.

6:41 pm: Scorpius recommended me a good spot cure called Madam Magda’s Magical Ugly Mug Mender. It’s good of him to do so, but I wish he hadn’t said it so loudly because all the adults heard and started talking about Eloise Midgen and what she’s up to these days.

Teddy and Victoire keep looking at each other in a yukky way. I wish Esther and I could look at each other like that. I tried, but she kept chatting to James and Lily kicked me under the table.

8:00 pm: Teddy and Victoire have convinced us all to play hide and seek in the garden. It’s very cold, but I have an excellent hiding place inside the chicken coop.

8:30 pm: This is a really fantastic hiding place; I haven’t heard anyone come near it.

8:50 pm: A chicken defecated on me, but it will be worth it when I win at hide and seek. I have been thinking a lot about my spot while I am in here and I am now very sure that it is entirely my father’s fault for never teaching me about healthy eating, considering he’s the one that made all our breakfasts and lunches growing up and yet still never managed to “get” cooking. James and Albus don’t get spots, probably because they eat healthily and you can never tell with girls because they use make up. So it stands to reason that it’s dad’s fault for not stressing the importance of vitamin C to me. If Esther doesn’t fall in love with me, he is entirely to blame.

9:13 pm: I expect Esther will be very impressed with how well I have been able to hide.

9:20 pm: I have drawn a picture of Esther, but I haven’t decided if I will show it to her yet because my shading isn’t as realistic I imagined it would be.

9:34 pm: I am outraged. I just peered through the slats of the chicken coop and saw Teddy and Victoire coming out of one of the tents together. I know they’re sad about Victoire moving away and them not seeing each other for a year, but obviously none of us would be hiding in there. How is it acceptable to get so distracted and put such little effort into a game of hide and seek? This is a serious flaw in their upbringing, and I am disgusted at Uncle Bill, Auntie Fleur, Uncle Harry, Aunt Ginny and Grandma Andromeda to let this happen. If I had known they weren’t going to play properly, I wouldn’t have picked such a good hiding spot, because it’s cruel to flaunt my genius when they’re clearly so lacking in basic life skills.

9:39 pm: This is getting ridiculous now, I am very cold and Teddy and Victoire don’t seem to be looking for me at all, they’ve gone back inside the house, despite specifically mentioning that we were playing in the garden. Has no one ever explained the rules to them?

9:45 pm: Uncle George came and got me out of the chicken coop (he says the whole coop was glowing from my wand light) and said that Teddy and Victoire forgot they were playing, so no one was found. I still think this makes me the winner.

I wanted to go and tell Teddy and Victoire off, but Uncle George assured me that Uncle Bill and Uncle Harry were doing a very good job.

10:00 pm: Victoire has somehow managed to wriggle out of being the responsible adult in the girls’ tent and is staying in the Burrow, while the girls are being trusted to be responsible themselves (not likely with Roxy in there). I wish Teddy was staying in the Burrow too, because I hate him and he hasn’t even apologised for not coming to find us all, he’s just sitting in the corner looking sorry for himself.

I am now glad that I’m not in the girls’ tent though, because I had an argument with Rose about who had the best hiding spot, and Scorpius was on her side even though the chicken coop is clearly better than the coal shed. He’s now apologised to me and admitted I had the better spot, but why didn’t he say that when Rose was there?
Him and Albus hid somewhere together but they must have had a falling out because they’re not really looking at each other and keep blushing.

Fred and Louis are playing Exploding Snap and James has turned the wireless on and is doing a stupid dance around the fire. How am I meant to sleep in this rabble? I asked Teddy, hoping he would make them be quiet but he just yawned and told me if I was really that tired I’d find a way. Sometimes I find it very hard to believe that he was head boy.

I will try to sleep and ignore the racket, but not because Teddy told me to. Just because it is the mature thing to do and I think a good night’s sleep will help my spot.

17th December

8:45pm Today I informed Dad about my vitamin deficiency and my inadequate diet and how it was affecting my skin. He told me to go and eat some fruit and didn’t seem at all concerned. This is typical. My spot is worse, but Grandma assured me she’d nip to Diagon Alley and get me the balm Scorpius recommended.
The rest of the day we played Quidditch, which is why I’m only writing all this now. I had a rubbish old broom, but Uncle George said that I was very good in the Beater position. I might go for Quidditch tryouts next year. Rose said that I’d need to learn to go higher than fifteen feet to stand a chance, but I expect she’s just jealous. She can be very competitive.

I helped Grandad and Uncle Bill find a tree, along with Al, Scorpius, Louis and Fred. The tree was in a net to carry, and I thought it was a lot like life. The tree, so green and full of life and ready to grow, cut down and ensnared in a net. I tried to tell the others but Fred called me a nerd and even though Albus tried to defend me and said it was poetic, I could see him and Scorpius trying not to laugh. At least they tried to hide it unlike Louis and Uncle Bill. I don’t know why I bother. Clearly I am the intellectual one of the family. Grandad agreed, he said it was cruel of them to laugh. Then he gave me a sweet but no one else. Ha ha ha!

18th December

2:00 pm: Uncle Bill caught Teddy and Victoire playing hide and seek on their own and there was lots of yelling. Teddy was saying they were just talking but Uncle Bill said that was a likely story. It seems odd to talk in the garden shed. I told James about it and he called me naive. I tried to ask what he meant but Rose dragged me away.

3:15 pm: I asked Fred and he told me James might have been saying that Victoire and Teddy were having sex! This seems irresponsible. I should inform Uncle Bill.

3:40 pm: Uncle Bill said thank you for my theory, but didn’t look very happy. Well there’s gratitude for you.

7:00 pm: I told James everything after dinner and he laughed and called me naive again. Then he showed me a disgusting magazine he stole from a bigger kid at Hogwarts. He said I could keep it because clearly I have a lot to learn. It really is not appropriate and I am sure my mother would be appalled. I will keep it because it’s rude to turn down presents, but I will keep it well hidden.

8:20 pm: I realised that perhaps Teddy and Victoire are in love, which would make it all right. I am a modern man, I understand you don’t have to be married anymore. I asked Teddy if he was in love and he said yes. I told him congratulations and decided to ask him advice, because I would like to be in love. He was very kind and asked me who I was interested in, but Lily and Esther were nearby playing dress up with feather boas and fairy wings, so I was too shy.

9:34 pm: Esther really is very pretty and makes me feel quite strange. I suppose that’s love. Anyway, I thought I might give James’s magazine another chance.

19th December

3:48 am:
I woke up because James was snoring and decided to sit at the entrance of the tent and look at the stars. It seems like a poetic, romantic thing to do, and perhaps Esther will do the same. It seems like the sort of thing she would do. Also in the dark she won’t be able to see my spot.

3:53 am: The stars are less interesting than Celestine Warbeck makes out, but then I have always hated Astronomy. I coughed in the direction of the girls’ tent but Esther didn’t come out.

3:59 am: I have noticed that the light is on in one of the Burrow’s bedrooms. I find this very odd considering the time. I realise that I am also awake at this hour, but that is because I am a sensitive boy with an old soul. There should be no reason for any of the adults to be awake at this time.

4:01 am: An adult has come out of the house and is hurrying to the orchard. I can’t see who they are because it’s dark, but they’ve just vanished through the gate. Maybe I should follow them. It’s very cold though.

4:05 am: Another adult has just gone the same way!

4:06 am: I want to follow them but it’s very dark and although I’m not scared, I am a mature young man and I understand the dangers of wandering off into the night.

4:08 am: I will be in trouble if they walk back and see me. And then Esther will laugh at me.

4:09 am: I am a Gryffindor though, and Esther might be more impressed if I act like one.

4:10 am: I will pursue them. It is the right thing to do when there is suspicious behaviour.

4:20 am: It’s Teddy and Victoire! I didn’t even realise Teddy had left the tent! He must have gone to fetch her from the house before I woke up. I thought perhaps they were going to do sex again but they’re just whispering. They sound very urgent and worried. I can’t understand what they’re saying. It’s quite selfish of them not to speak up.

4:22 am: Victoire is now crying and Teddy is rubbing her back. He can’t be a very good boyfriend if she’s crying. Esther would never cry if she were with me.

4:25 am: Come to think of it, it’s selfish of them to be here at all. Teddy is meant to be supervising us, anything could have happened. If the Ministry finds out we were all left alone he could get done for child neglect. I will return to the tent. Not because I am scared of the dark, and not because I’m worried about Teddy catching me, but for the safety of others.

10:00 am: Mum came and woke me up because I slept through breakfast. She looked very worried and put her hand on my forehead. At least someone cares. Teddy and Victoire’s secretiveness had me all worried, I wouldn’t be surprised if the stress of it has made me ill. Mum has told me to stay in bed.

10:14 am: I wonder if Esther will be concerned for me.

10:30 am: I have written a poem for her.

Oh Esther
You are the bester
Though my body is ill
My heart is filled
With thoughts of you,
And that makes me feel better.

I shan’t show her, but if she happens to go through my stuff she will find it and hopefully realise her feelings for me. Then again, perhaps I could show it to Teddy, and he could help me. He writes poetry.

10:36 Actually, thinking about it, Teddy might try and steal the poem off me. He doesn’t make a lot of money, I don’t think. I’d best keep it to myself.

11:00 am Grandma came in to see how I was and said I could come and stay in the house. She fussed a lot and was quite insistent, but I said no. I want my parents and Uncle Harry to feel bad about making us sleep out here. I am still angry at Victoire and Teddy, so I told Grandma they were hiding something and that Teddy had snuck out of the tent last night. Her lips went very thin, and she said ‘interesting’, so hopefully she will make sure Teddy stays where he’s meant to be. She had also been to Diagon Alley to get me that spot balm. I hope it works.

11:33 am Teddy just came into the tent looking really cross. He said, ‘thanks a lot, you little snitch.’ I told him that wasn’t really fair when the stress of it had made me ill. He told me I wasn’t ill and we argued about that for a bit before I demanded to know what he and Victoire had been talking about in the orchard. Well that shut him up.
‘You didn’t hear what we were saying?’ he asked me.

‘No,’ I said. ‘But I worried about it all night and now I’m ill.’

Teddy actually had the audacity to call me a liar and accuse me of blackmailing him. I told him that wasn’t kind or in the Christmas spirit. He offered me four galleons to keep quiet. I accepted.

20th December

7:00 pm:
I am better, but now Victoire is ill. She had to leave the table at breakfast to throw up. Grandma and Auntie Fleur followed after her, but Teddy didn’t. He really is a terrible boyfriend.

Mum took me shopping and I bought everyone gifts. I am particularly proud of my gift to Rose: a Quidditch Annual for the Holyhead Harpies, her favourite team. Scorpius bought her a box of chocolates and wanted to swap with me when he saw it, but I can’t help being a fantastic younger brother. He kept hassling me, so to escape I’m sitting with Aunt Audrey and her new baby Lucy and they’re both so boring.

We’re all at a restaurant to save Grandma the hassle of cooking. Dad and Uncle Harry are late because two hours ago they nipped to the pub for one drink with Professor Longbottom first. Mum is delighted. She knew this would happen.

21st December

8:24 am:
Victoire is STILL ill, she’s throwing up again. Everyone is very concerned. Personally I’m worried that it will put a dampener on Christmas.

2:00 pm: Oh joyous day! Esther and I had a moment! She told me my skin had really cleared up, and asked me about what I was reading. I showed her (it was a Muggle book called Middlemarch Mum gave me). She was very impressed I was reading Muggle literature and she asked me what I thought of it. I told her that it was quite old fashioned and if George Eliot wanted to succeed as an author, he should probably write something a bit more trendy. I think she was impressed by this.

3:17 pm: I played a board game with Lily, Esther, Rosie and James, and while we were playing Rosie said that the adults were arguing because Victoire wanted to pull out of her year in Paris she was planning with her work at Gringotts. Apparently Uncle Bill said she shouldn’t throw away her future just because she’d got used to living with Teddy, and then Uncle Harry told him that he should lay off Teddy and stop blaming him for his daughter growing up. Esther was fascinated, because she’s still amazed at how famous Uncle Harry is, and Lily was very worried because she doesn’t like the thought of the grownups arguing.

I asked why Victoire didn’t want to go to Paris anymore, and Rosie and Esther both giggled and agreed they would stay here for Teddy. This annoyed me, so I agreed with James when he said Victoire was being stupid because there were loads of much more attractive people in France than Teddy. I suspect the actual reason is that Victoire seems terribly fragile at the moment and I suppose she doesn’t want to risk her health. Or perhaps she is simply not brave enough. Her and Teddy were both in Hufflepuff at Hogwarts. I have never understood that house.

8:10 pm: Dad is teaching me to play chess. I must say, I am very good at it. I told him about Esther. He was very understanding but then he started talking about Mum and I wanted to vomit. Uncle Harry heard and only encouraged him when he saw my face. This is typical. I am one of the most unfortunate children in the country.

8:16 pm At least my spot has gone. Note: thank Scorpius.

22nd December

1:40 am:
Teddy is getting on my last nerve. He woke me up at half one, with one hand over my mouth to stop me making a noise. I thought I was about to be murdered, or kidnapped. He can’t go round waking people like that, he’ll get his head kicked in. He’s lucky that I like him.

He seemed all panicked and nervous. He kept asking me if I was sure I hadn’t said anything about the orchard conversation to anyone. I said of course not, I’m a man of my word. It didn’t seem to calm him down. He started mumbling stuff about responsibilities and how sometimes things are unexpected, and it’s not that the talk in the orchard was to hide anything from anyone, he just needed some time to figure things out. Then he got really weird.

‘Do you think I should get a proper job?’ he asked me. I told him being a writer is a proper job. He said, ‘it’s not, it’s bullshit.’ I asked him what sort of job he would like instead. ‘Something that pays more money,’ he said.

‘Well that’s all right, Teddy, you got really good grades and you were Headboy. And you’re Harry Potter’s godson.’
He told me that wasn’t as helpful as I imagined. Then he asked me what sort of job I thought he could do considering he didn’t have any other work experience. I told him I didn’t have a clue because I was thirteen, and said ‘what’s wrong with you? Why are you acting weird? Go ask Harry.’

Then he called me useless and went back to bed. He looked quite deranged. It was completely bizarre. Perhaps I was too harsh on him when he wanted advice — I am very smart.

8:43 am: Teddy constantly waking me up is not good for my health. I nearly fell asleep into my porridge this morning.

12:12 pm: I waited for several minutes under the mistletoe, but Esther didn’t notice. Aunt Ginny did though, and she called me cute and tried to kiss me on the cheek. It was awful.

2:00 pm: Teddy and Victoire are whispering secretively in the hallway, but they both stopped and walked away when I approached. I have decided it is my duty to find out what is going on. It’s not nosiness, it’s good citizenship.

2:30 pm: I have decided to recruit Lily and Esther into the operation. They were in the girl’s tent playing gobstones, and seemed very interested when I filled them in on the details. I feel bad about betraying Teddy’s trust and the money, but I’m fairly sure he meant don’t tell adults. Lily is worried something awful has happened. Esther asked if Teddy and Victoire might be breaking up. Perhaps I should dye my hair a stupid blue colour too.

2:34 pm: Lily wants to tell her dad. She is so lame.

2:45 pm: Our plan is set. We’re not telling any adults. We’re going to stalk Teddy and Victoire. Lily’s gone to steal James’s Extendable Ears.

8:00 pm: We followed them around all day, but the adults seem to know something’s up and we didn’t catch them chatting again. I trailed Teddy and hid behind an armchair when Uncle Harry was talking to him. Harry told him he wasn’t stupid, he and Andromeda had raised Teddy and he knew when he was hiding something. Teddy denied everything and said he was just trying to spend time with Victoire. Harry got all sharp and said, ‘if there’s something you’re worried about or need to tell me, you should tell me.’ Teddy said he was just worrying about his life and career, and Uncle Harry seemed just as baffled as I was the other night.

‘Your writing’s great,’ he said. ‘What are you talking about?’

Then Teddy mumbled something about time to grow up and then Harry kept saying his name in this warning sort of way, but Teddy stormed out. Uncle Harry stayed sat in the living room for ages in silence, it was dead annoying because it meant I had to keep hiding behind the chair and my neck was at a weird angle and it still hurts now. I suspect the damage is irreparable.

10:43 pm: I went into the girls’ tent to ask Esther and Lily if they heard anything interesting from Victoire. They were getting changed into their pyjamas. Esther had her back to me and I saw her bra strap. I felt very strange and left.

11:12 pm: James really shouldn’t have given me this magazine, it’s full of inappropriate images. I wonder where he got it.

23rd December

9:10 am:

9:30 am: I’m in trouble for telling Roxy she was evil. Mum sat me down and said I was being melodramatic. I said she wasn’t taking theft seriously enough, which was shocking given her professional background. I’ve had my Chocolate Frog cards confiscated.

2:45 pm: We just had a really tense lunch. Teddy was talking to Uncle Percy about whether there were any job openings in his department and Harry asked him why he was giving up on his dream of being a writer. Then Victoire burst into tears and ran out the room! It was all very melodramatic, but I don’t suppose Mum will confiscate anything from them.

4:00 pm: I finally got Esther and Lily on their own. They said they tried to creep after Victoire, Auntie Fleur, Grandma and Auntie Ginny, but some kind of charm had been placed on the bedroom door so the Extendable Ears didn’t work. Most suspicious.

4:07 pm: It’s not right that they’re hiding stuff from us. We are a part of the family and we have a right to know. If things don’t improve in this family, I will write a sternly worded open letter about the consequences of keeping secrets.

5:18 pm: Scorpius and Albus were poking around my bed, apparently looking for the spot balm. I hope they didn’t see James’s magazine squashed down the side of my camp bed.

7:01 pm: I went to go ask Mum for my Chocolate Frog cards back, but she was talking with Dad, Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny on the first floor landing. They were using hushed voices so I just creeped on the stairs and listened. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, it’s a public place.

Anyway, Mum kept saying ‘are you sure?’ over and over again, and Uncle Harry got grumpy and said ‘no, of course I’m not sure, but I can’t be the only one who suspects it.’ Then Auntie Ginny said that Fleur was thinking the same thing but hadn’t found the right moment to bring it up with Bill yet, and that when Victoire had run out at lunch she’d come so close to admitting it. Then Dad asked what they were so afraid of, it wasn’t like Bill’s a traditionalist and they’re not kids anymore. Then Harry said something really quiet, but I think it was something about money and being scared and Dad snorted and said ‘like father, like son, eh?’

I had to leave then because I leaned too hard on the stair and it gave a creak and they all leaned over the bannisters and asked me what I wanted in annoyed voices.

8:30 pm: I have had a long discussion with the girls on what it could all mean. Lily believes that Teddy and Victoire want to get married and Teddy wants a job so he can afford it. I told her it was the bride’s parents that pay for a wedding and Uncle Bill has plenty of money. Esther told me that was very outdated. When she is angry, her nose scrunches up like a rabbit. I feel that we are getting closer. This was a good idea of mine.

24th December

Christmas Eve

8:55 am:
An owl arrived at breakfast carrying a postcard for me. It was from Adrian, and he talked in great detail about Havana, and said that he and his family were planning to have Christmas on the beach. Adrian is very pale and spends most of his time in our dorm at Hogwarts rather than going outside, so I suspect he will get sunburnt. It’s very irresponsible of his mother and I don’t think they should have gone.

9:03 am: I asked Dad why we never go away at Christmas. He said Christmas was a time for family. They’d still be my family on a beach in Cuba.

9:24 am: Victoire is crying because she spilt tea on the sofa. I think she is right to reconsider going to work in Paris. They have really nice furniture there and probably don’t all cry over nothing.

10:00 am: We’re all being dragged out to play a game of Quidditch. It’s freezing! And I’m just going to have to sit through everyone ‘ooh-ing’ and ‘aah-ing’ at how great Rose and James are. It’s a good thing I’m so good at playing Beater or it would be unbearable. It’s a wonder I have any self-confidence; I suppose it is a mark of my resilience.

11:23 am: The game has been suspended because Teddy fell off his broom and sprained his wrist. Victoire started crying again, even though Uncle Harry mended it and said it’ll be back to normal in a few hours. She is basically a grown up, but she’s acting like baby Lucy.

2:24 pm: Four minutes and 34 seconds under the mistletoe. I know Esther saw. Unfortunately Auntie Ginny got there first again.

5:42 pm: Grandma has put some Celestina Warbeck on and now we’re all crammed into the living room to listen to it while we have a buffet style dinner on our laps. I hate this part of Christmas, when we’re not allowed to go off and do our own thing and the adults get all soppy and emotional. I keep getting told off for writing in my diary instead of talking too. Maybe if the conversation was more interesting. I just can’t bear to listen to Mum, Dad and Harry tell us about the troll in the bathroom again.

8:29 pm: I went out to the kitchen to get more glasses of firewhiskey for Dad and Uncle Harry (if they’re not careful they will become alcoholics and get done for being drunk and disorderly), and Teddy was there by the kitchen sink, staring out the window. I asked him if he was OK, and he sort of jumped and said he was fine. I asked him if he was still worried about his career, and he sort of stared at me and said, ‘you like me, right, Hugo?’

I decided not to mention him making me ill with worry, and said that I did. Then he said, ‘do you think I’m responsible?’
I informed him that nobody in this family was responsible, except maybe my mum and Uncle Percy. He just sort of nodded sadly, so I asked him if this was to do with him and Victoire doing sex. He went all red and spluttery, so I decided to be frank with him and told him that I am a man of the world, I will be fourteen soon and I know about these matters. And as it comes to it, I don’t think he should be doing sex with Victoire unless they were completely sure they were in love and they had the blessing of Uncle Bill and Aunt Fleur.

He said I shouldn’t be hiding dirty magazines in a tent shared by seven people.

Some people just can’t take honest advice.

25th December

Christmas Day

10:00 am:
Good haul this year. Particularly impressed with Uncle Harry for getting me a Sneakoscope. I feel sure I will need it with all these sneaky people in my family. Also pleased to get a huge box of Honeyduke’s Chocolate from Uncle Bill. I could see Albus looking at it enviously. Uncle Bill just got him a book on goblins. Ha ha ha!

11:12 am: I think Grandma is getting a bit stressed with making the Christmas dinner for everyone. I tried to help but I spilt some olive oil all over the floor. I went to go and get something to clear it up with, but by the time I got back Teddy had already slipped in it and smacked his head on the counter. Grandma told me she appreciated the help but there were too many people coming in and out of the kitchen and getting under her feet.

11:18 am: I went into the utility room to find my shoes and Uncle Harry was healing Teddy’s bumped head. They didn’t notice me enter at first, and Harry was saying ‘you’ve never been like this, I wish you would just tell me what’s up.’ Teddy said there was nothing up, nothing he wanted to talk about right now, anyway, but then Harry told him that if he was ever worried about money or somewhere to live, Grimmauld Place was always available and he was always happy to lend him money, but Teddy said he didn’t need charity! Talk about ungrateful! I think Uncle Harry was going to argue, but then he turned to get a better angle on the lump and spotted me.

11:03 am: Uncle George tried to decorate the dining room with tinsel, but he got the enchantment wrong and it tried to strangle me. He swears it was an accident. I think this is a likely story. I’m going to carry my sneakoscope with me wherever I go.

12:16 pm: I am STARVING. Why am I always hungrier for Christmas dinner than any other meal? I’m never this hungry for lunchtime usually.

12:30 pm: OH MY GOD. I just went into the pantry to sneak some gingerbread, and Victoire and Teddy were in there. They jumped away as soon as I entered, but she was crying and Teddy had his hand on her stomach. I’m not stupid. I know what that means. She has a stomach bug and now she’s probably touched all the food in the pantry without washing her hands. We’ll all be ill for Christmas.

2:00 pm: We’re finally sitting down for Christmas dinner. I tried to sit out of contamination range of Victoire, but her and Teddy have ended up opposite me.

4:00 pm: Well that was all rather unexpected. We’d finished the meal and were about to light the Christmas pudding. While Grandad went to fetch the brandy, Grandma was telling Mum about how my Great-Great Aunt Muriel used to drink a bottle of brandy a week and insisted it was to help soothe her stomach. So once we did the pudding, I poured out a glass and offered it to Victoire, but she declined. I said ‘are you sure? It will help your stomach.’

Then she laughed in a flustered sort of way and said there wasn’t anything wrong with her stomach. So I asked her why Teddy was rubbing her stomach earlier. She sort of froze and I didn’t really realise other people were listening, so I said ‘is it to do with the secret conversation you had in the orchard?’

Everything was suddenly very silent and Victoire and Teddy went very red and looked down at their plates. Teddy told me he wanted his four galleons back. Then Auntie Fleur threw her spoon down and said something angrily in French. Louis has now informed me that she was asking Victoire why she wouldn’t just admit she was pregnant. Then Uncle Harry said to Teddy that it was time to come clean, and Teddy admitted that there’s a baby on the way and that’s why Victoire’s not moving to Paris next month.

Then Auntie Ginny said, ‘what are the pair of you like? Why did you have to keep this secret?’

Teddy gave this really shifty glance to Uncle Bill, who looked a bit blank, and said, ‘I wanted to make sure I was, you know… Sorted first. With money and everything.’

Then everyone stared at Uncle Bill. I have to admit, I was expecting him to start shouting. I suspect he was in shock.

But then he just gave a little jerk of his head and asked how long. Victoire said two months but she only found out the day before we all came to the Burrow. And then she apologised to him and said she knew how hard he’d worked to get her the internship in Paris, but she had made her decision.

Then he said, ‘you’re making me a Grandfather?’ Then he smiled at her and quickly covered his mouth with his hand and started shaking and we all realized he’d started to cry but in a good way. Then all the adults started squealing and cheering and hugging Victoire and Teddy, who looked a bit shocked. Uncle Harry had got up and was clapping him on the shoulder and telling him he was a plonker for being so frightened of everyone, and that he was an adult after all.
Teddy said he didn’t feel like and adult and it had all come as a shock. Auntie Ginny said it was always that way with your first, but they were all so thrilled and would help them out.

Victoire never even touched the glass of brandy I poured for her. Well, that’s gratitude for you.

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