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SIYE Time:2:17 on 16th December 2017


Just a Talk and That's the Naked Truth
By pleurocoelus

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Category: SIYE Challenges, The April Fool's Challenge (2017-2)
Characters:Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Other, Ron Weasley
Genres: Fluff, Humor
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: PG-13
Reviews: 14
Summary:

** Winner of Best Overall and People's Choice in the April Fools Challenge **

The Burrow only has one loo and Harry didn't know it was occupied. Now two identical gits won't stop teasing him or Ginny about it. Something has to be done. Nothing salacious in this story, just embarrassing.
Hitcount: Story Total: 2911; Chapter Total: 1333





Author's Notes:


"Harry gets The Talk" seems to be a popular trope in HP fanfic.

Here I write not only for the April Fool's Challenge, but also to check that trope off my list.
Warning: This chapter contains Harry getting a version of The Talk.
There's nothing salacious in this story, just comic awkwardness.


Also, this chapter contains an idea I've been entertaining as to why wizarding society is so traditional regarding sex and marriage. Traditions are formed for a reason, usually. I may have seen it elsewhere. If so, I did not mean to swipe someone else's idea without credit.




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Our story begins in a house. A house that some would call bizarre, or perhaps unnatural. A house that would make those who consider themselves better than others lift their elevated noses even higher. A house that could stand only because magic was involved in its construction. A house filled with love. A house with only one loo.

Our story begins in 1994, three days after that year's rather infamous Quidditch World Cup. Things at the Ministry of Magic were in an uproar after the events at the World Cup. The public's ire was raised and the Daily Prophet was not helping calm their tempers.

After another long and exhausting day at the Ministry, Arthur Weasley finally had time to relax over a cup of tea with his wife, Molly. He had just lifted the cup to his lips when he heard a very feminine shriek coupled with a more masculine yelp of surprise.

This was naturally followed by his own yelp of surprise as the contents of his cuppa found their way to his lap. Fortunately, Molly was right on top of it and had his clothes clean before he was burned. Before he had the time to properly thank her, however, a thundering clatter of feet accompanied the arrival of Harry Potter, best friend to their son Ron and current houseguest.

"I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, I didn't mean to," he said quickly with a look of mortal terror on his face. "I mean the door was stuck and so I pushed it and it came open and there was Ginny and I didn't see anything and she screamed and I'm sorry and I think she was getting in the shower but I didn't see anything and I'm sorry I didn't mean to barge in on her and I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

Harry's stammering, rambling apology was interrupted by Mrs. Weasley.

"Harry, Harry dear," she said calmly. "It's all right, I believe you. I'm sure you didn't mean to barge in on her."

Harry's ragged breathing began to normalize.

"Arthur, I'd better check on Ginny. Maybe you could talk to Harry," she said as she was leaving the room.

"Right," Mr. Weasley said. "Harry, I think we'll want a bit more privacy. How about we go to my shed."

Harry numbly followed Mr. Weasley to his shed, dreading whatever Mr. Weasley was going to say to him. Mrs. Weasley had been sympathetic, but this was Ginny's father and fathers seemed to be especially protective of their daughters.

The two soon arrived in Mr. Weasley's shed. Mr. Weasley ushered Harry inside and conjured two chairs in an open area. Harry sat, dreading what was to come.

Mr. Weasley sat across from Harry with steel in his blue eyes.

"Before we do anything else, Harry, I have to ask. I'm sorry, but did you intend to catch my daughter in a state of undress?"

"No, Mr. Weasley, I didn't. I didn't mean to. I didn't hear anything and I thought the door was just jammed. I didn't see anything, she screamed before I was even in the room. I'm sorry."

Mr. Weasley smiled. "I'm sorry I had to ask. You'll understand if you ever have a little girl of your own someday. I do understand, you know. I've been meaning to add a second loo for some time now, but it's been one thing after another. This kind of thing happens often enough.

"In fact, most of the time, the boys just 'water the bushes' if they... please don't tell Molly I said that. I'm sure she suspects, but is more comfortable feigning ignorance."

Harry chuckled at the thought.

"Anyway," Mr. Weasley said, "since we're here, I thought this might be a good time for you to ask any questions, about growing up I mean. I don't mean to be presumptuous, but I don't know if anyone has taken the time to talk to you."

"Oh," said Harry, blushing slightly, "Er – we had a class, in my Muggle school I mean, that talked about – er – puberty and stuff."

"Ah, I see," said Mr. Weasley, blushing slightly himself. "And by 'stuff' I presume you mean sex."

"Yes," said Harry, though it might have been more of a squeak.

"Yes, well, Harry, sex within the context of matrimony is a beautiful thing."

Harry's eyes widened and his blush fled as he turned pale.

"Don't look so surprised, Harry, I have seven children. Honestly, every generation thinks they were the first to discover that sex is fun."

Harry began to wish fervently that he had his invisibility cloak, or perhaps a convenient portkey. Fawkes the phoenix would do nicely. Perhaps he should make a run for it and try to catch the Knight Bus.

"Harry," Mr. Weasley said, snapping Harry out of his reverie. "I'm not trying to embarrass you. I'm glad that you got the facts, at least from a scientific perspective, at your Muggle school. For wizards, things are mostly the same as it is for Muggle men. However, there are a few differences.

"Really, they should have a class at Hogwarts for the Muggleborns because the differences are important. I should talk to Dumbledore about that. A young wizard could get himself in trouble very easily.

"As I said, for the most part, sex is the same for us as it is for Muggles. However, magic infuses all that we do and the sexual side of our beings is no exception.

"Harry, there is no divorce in the wizarding world. Rather, it is so difficult to obtain that it is generally considered to be impossible. Muggles obtain divorces through the courts, but a wizarding divorce involves a team of curse breakers.

"In the wizarding world, marriage involves a magical bond between spouses. The magical bond is formed at the marriage ceremony by means of magical vows and strengthens over time. Most of the time, this means that a divorce wouldn't be needed since the bond induces a sense of closeness. However, there is another way to induce a marriage bond."

"Sex," Harry said.

"Right," Mr. Weasley said. "It's not guaranteed, but marriage bonds do spontaneously form sometimes during sexual activity. Needless to say, unless the witch and wizard in question were of age and trying to form a marriage bond without benefit of a formal marriage ceremony, it is quite embarrassing for the parties in question. The bond is detectable and a couple couldn't keep it secret.

"Now, do you have any questions?"

Harry groaned.


o0o0o0o0o


A/N:
I just want to clarify something to avoid confusion. By "I didn't see anything," Harry meant that he did not see anything he couldn't have seen when Ginny was wearing her school robes. That is what he meant and how Arthur understood it.
I was not intending to imply that Harry was lying.

I would imagine that a girl with six older brothers who barge into the bathroom on a regular basis would be very used to hiding behind the shower curtain quickly, regardless of her state of dress.
Reviews 14
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