Author's Notes: I wrote this after participating in an H/G forum over at Fiction Alley. From there, the idea just grew, I suppose. Heh. Anyway, this isn't meant to be entirely serious... it's just some Ron humor and some fluff. So the characters might just be a tiny bit OOC... Please review!

(from the H/G SCUSA threads)

Ron Weasley woke up the day before a Hogsmeade weekend with a sudden idea. Harry needed a girlfriend. He really did. He hadn’t had a girlfriend since Cho. Never mind that Ron himself had never got any closer to getting a girlfriend than sulking next to an unwilling dance partner… Harry needed a girlfriend. And he knew just the girl for his best mate.

Yes, he had been saving Ginny up for Harry. After all, he could trust Harry. Yes. Ron swore to himself that Harry and Ginny would be going out soon, even if he had to force their heads together or something. Not that it would be advisable… rather stupid, in fact. He needed a more subtle, more romantic start… Hogsmeade! Yes, he would get Harry to ask Ginny out at breakfast.

Feeling rather proud of his incredibly smart plan, Ron got dressed and dashed down into the Great Hall. I should consider becoming a matchmaker, he thought, delighted. "Hey, everyone!" he said cheerfully as he sat down between Hermione and Harry.

Harry blinked. "What are you so happy for?" he asked.

Ron just laughed. Harry stared at him for a few more seconds, then turned back to his Daily Prophet. Ginny raised an eyebrow at Ron. He took this as an opportunity to kick off with his plan. "So, Harry," he said casually, peering over at the paper. "Anything interesting?"

"No," Harry said. However, his eyes were still glued to the paper. Ron sighed inwardly.

"So, I heard Valentine’s Day is coming up… as well as a Hogsmeade weekend, eh?" he said, punching Harry lightly on the arm in a friendly manner.

It was Hermione’s turn to look at Ron strangely. "Are you feeling all right, Ron?" she demanded, looking worried. "You’re not feeling dizzy, are you? Feverish? Depressed? Have you received any… important letters lately? Are feeling like yourself?"

Ron ignored her. "So," he said, "are you going to ask someone special to Hogsmeade tomorrow?"

"Huh?" Harry said, taking off his glasses and wiping them on his robes.

"I said," Ron said loudly, "Are you going to ask a certain special Weasley redhead to Hogsmeade, on a nice little outing, perhaps to that Madam Puddifoot place you went with Cho?" Ginny sent a venomous glare in his direction.

Harry looked up at him, looking shocked. His glasses were clean, yet he was still wiping them. "Why would I ask you to go with me to Madam Puddifoot’s?" he asked, looking confused. "Er… Ron… boys don’t usually practice kissing on each other… just thought you’d like to know… And er, I really fancy girls, not blokes…"

Seamus and Dean, who were nearby, snorted into their breakfasts. Ron turned the color of a tomato. "No… I didn’t say I wanted you to ask me to Hogsmeade," he muttered.

"Oh. Good," Harry said, sounding relieved. He turned back to his newspaper.

Ron sighed. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so easy.

***

"I need a jumbo-sized box of chocolates, preferably in a pretty box," Ron stated, feeling very smart. If I keep this up, he thought smugly, then I’ll be as smart as Hermione! He had sneaked away from Harry and Hermione, saying that he needed to meet someone. Instead, he had gone to a sweets shop (which he thought looked rather tacky, but he was sure girls loved it) to get the materials for his next plan.

"A jumbo-sized box of chocolates, preferably in a pretty box," the sales witch said, staring at Ron. "Er… can you be a little more descriptive?"

"Er… well, I want these little sweet brown things in fancy, ruffled wrappers, all packaged individually in this heart-shaped container made of cardboard. Uh… and a pretty ribbon tied around the box, too. Make it look sexy, too." Ron wondered if ‘sexy’ was going too far, but he supposed it would help get Ginny for Harry.

"No," the sales witch said, sounding exasperated, "I meant-"

"Chocolate liqueurs," a familiar, drawling voice said from next to Ron. "With La Belle, if you have it. Oh, and a green ribbon." A handful of coins fell onto the counter. "Box of fifty."

"What are you doing here, Malfoy?" Ron snarled, turning to glare at his arch-nemesis.

Malfoy looked back coolly, and Ron wondered if maybe one day, Malfoy would do them all a favor and jump off a glacier. With luck, it would take a month to find his extremely pale body. "Buying chocolates for my girlfriend, of course."

Ron resisted the urge to say, "Who’d go out with you?" Instead, he turned back to the sales witch and said in a strained voice, "Same as him. With a red ribbon, of course."

"Who’d go out with you?" Malfoy said as soon as the sales witch disappeared.

Ron smiled smugly. He was the mature one out of the two. He had actually resisted the urge to say that. "Well," he said, "it’s not for my girlfriend. It’s for Harry, actually."

The look of horror that crossed Malfoy’s face made Ron feel proud. He deflated, though, after Malfoy’s next sentence. "You’re giving Potter a box of chocolate liqueurs, with a sexy box and ribbon?"

Ron blushed scarlet. "No!" he said defensively. "I’m buying it for him."

Malfoy narrowed his eyes in confusion. "You’re buying it for him, but not for him?" he asked.

"No!" Ron said, exasperated. "I’m getting it for him!"

"You’re getting it for him, but not for him, nor for him?" Malfoy said.

Ron frowned. "Huh?" he finally said. "No! I’m giving it to him to give to Ginny!" he said desperately, his mind hopelessly fried.

Malfoy frowned. "What… are you Potter’s slave now?" he spat derisively, a sneer spreading across his face. Once again, Ron wished Malfoy would just run in front of the Knight Bus or something. He relished the mental image of Malfoy the human pancake stuck to the pavement. The day would be called ‘The Day of Great Joy, Because the Biggest Git Ever to Walk This Earth Died Today’.

"No. Look, Malfoy, you’d better keep this hushed up. He doesn’t know that he’s about to send chocolates to Ginny."

"Oh! So you’re trying to hook Potter and your sister up," Malfoy said. "Hmm… so Potter’s finally got a girlfriend, doesn’t he?"

The sales witch returned with two boxes of chocolate. "That will be five Galleons each," she said crisply. Malfoy immediately pushed the pile of coins toward the witch, but Ron’s eyes bugged out in horror.

"F-five Galleons?" he repeated.

"Yes, five Galleons," the witch said crisply, glaring at Ron. "And no, we do not accept Gringotts IOUs."

Malfoy dug into his pockets and pulled out five Galleons. He wordlessly threw them onto the counter. The sales witch raised an eyebrow, but took the coins and pushed the boxes forward. "Here," Malfoy said, thrusting an extremely heavy heart-shaped box into Ron’s arms as they left the shop.

"What was that for?" Ron asked incredulously.

Malfoy turned to face Ron. "Frankly," he drawled, "I’m getting sick of Pansy mooning over Potter. If he’s taken, then she won’t be able to." He began to walk away, but turned around after a few steps. "You owe me, Weasley."

Ron supposed that maybe Malfoy could die by car instead of by bus. And the holiday could be called ‘The Day of Great Joy, Because the Second-Biggest Git Ever to Walk This Earth Died Today’.

***

Ron bit his Sugar Quill in thought. He had never written a romantic letter in his life, never mind one that was supposed to sound like Harry had written it. He looked at his inspiration, the enormous box of chocolates. Then he smiled. The words were already flooding into his brain. He was a romantic genius!

Ron frowned. It was a bit weird, writing to one’s own sister like that, but he was pretending to be Harry, so he knew it was all right. Then he stared at the box of chocolates. It wouldn’t hurt if he took just one, would it? Glancing surreptitiously around, he pulled the bow apart, lifted the lid of the box, and selected the smallest, least decorated chocolate. He popped it into his mouth. It had a strange flavor… Ron had never tried La Belle before. If he had, he would have known that a person could get drunk from two teaspoons of it. He should have known that Malfoy was paying the witch extra to make her let him purchase the chocolates.

He liked the first one. So he took a second one. Then a third. Then a fourth…

Fifteen minutes later, Ron had eaten three-quarters of the box of chocolates. He giggled and closed the box. "Now, I jusht need an owl," he muttered happily, grabbing the remainder of the chocolates and the parchment with the note on it. "’Caushe shat’s more romantic!" Chocolate smeared on his face and all, he made his way to the owlrey.

The owlrey was full of owls. Ron waved happily at Hedwig, who stared at him reproachfully for a full minute before coming to rest on a roost near Ron. "Hiya, Hedwig," Ron slurred. "Guesh what? You get to deliver a letter!" He looked around. "You need shome help, though. Ooh… pretty owl," he said, finding a regal-looking eagle owl near Hedwig. He narrowed his eyes. "I wonder why he’sh got a necklashe wish ‘Malfoy’ on it, though…"

He staggered towards the eagle owl. "Hedwig, thish owl will help you carry the chocolashes," he informed Hedwig. He tied the box of chocolate to the eagle owl’s leg. "Now," Ron said, with an insane urge to practice lines he had heard in Muggle movies, "Take ush to your mashter!" He turned to Hedwig. "Come on, Hedwig, we’re off to shee the wizard!" He giggled as the eagle owl took flight and began to lead them towards the Slytherin Common Room.

The eagle owl perched on a suit of armor when they reached a stretch of damp, stone wall. "Hehe… it’sh the Shlysherin entransh!" Ron said happily. "Itsh cool! Itsh not fat!" Ron burst into laughter at his joke.

"What’re you doing here, Weasley?" a voice grunted from behind Ron.

Ron turned and waved merrily at Goyle. "Oh, hi, Goyle!" he said. "Can you let me in? Thish pretty owl wansh to go in."

"Uh… okay," Goyle said stupidly. "Tonjours Pur." A stone door appeared in the wall and slid aside.

The eagle owl swooped into the Slytherin common room. "Hi, everyone!" Ron said loudly, waving jovially at all the shocked Slytherins.

"What are you doing in here, Weasley?" Malfoy snapped.

"Hi, Panshy!" Ron said. He started to giggle, as if this were the funniest joke he had ever told. "Ha! I shink you looked like a girl, Malfoy! You have white hair! Ha, you’re old! No one but old people have white hair!"

Malfoy stared at him. "You’re drunk, Weasley!" he said in shock. "Did you start eating dung?" he added, peering at the chocolate all over Ron’s face and shirt. "What’s the matter, can’t afford normal food anymore?"

"No, it’sh chocolashe," Ron said. "It’sh very good chocolashe." The eagle owl landed on Malfoy’s shoulder. Ron stared at it. "You… you traitor pretty owl!" he wailed, starting to sob. "Traitor!" He fell to the floor, weeping.

Hedwig landed on arm of the chair Pansy was sitting on. "Ooh… you’re Potter’s owl!" she said, delighted. Malfoy scowled. "Is that letter for me?" She took the letter from Hedwig and opened it. As soon as she finished reading, she squealed in delight. "He loves me!" she announced. "Draco, we’re breaking up!"

Malfoy looked down murderously at Ron.

***

Ron had no idea how he got back to Gryffindor Tower that night. He didn’t care, either. All he was aware of was a pounding headache. Harry looked at Ron. "What’s wrong with you?" he asked.

"Headache," Ron moaned.

Hermione snorted as Pansy made her way through the crowd, looking excited. Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle were looming nearby, looking menacing. "Oh, Harry!" Pansy said, rushing to Harry and embracing him. Harry froze in horror and shock. "I love you too! I broke up with Malfoy to be with you! Your letter, it was just so romantic!"

Ron groaned, but no one heard. "Oh, how you made that comment about how when you were little, you thought of marrying a girl like me!" Pansy gushed.

"Um… I think you have the wrong person," Harry said, gulping.

"Of course I don’t! Your owl brought the note to me," Pansy said.

"Er… no," Harry said.

Pansy’s eyes widened. She let go of Harry. "I hate you, Harry Potter!" she screeched.

"Good," Harry said with relief.

"Go away, Parkinson," Ginny added nastily. She and Pansy had hated each other ever since Ginny’s second year, when there had been an incident involving plants in Greenhouse Three and Buckbeak the Hippogriff.

Pansy turned and ran to Malfoy, squeezing him so hard, he started turning red. "Oh, Drakkie, I’m so sorry…"

"Ouch. Can’t… breathe…" Malfoy rasped.

But Ron didn’t even laugh at this. For he had another idea, one that had gotten past his horrible headache. And it involved the Quidditch practice that afternoon.

***

"Katie, we’ve got to get a feel for the other positions," Ron said to Katie Bell, the Gryffindor Captain, that afternoon. "So… why don’t we all switch positions for a day? You know… me as Beater, you as the other Beater, Ginny as Seeker…"

"Well, I suppose," Katie said dubiously. "All right. We’ll put Harry on Chaser, with Jack and Andy, and we’ll put Euan on Keeper. Not a bad idea, actually…"

Ron grinned to himself as he and Katie emerged into the sunshine. He was Beater, which meant that he could hit a Bludger towards Ginny, and make her fall off her broom. Then Harry, being the hero that he was, would catch her. Provided he was close enough. Ron frowned. That could be a problem. He’d do it while they were near some stands, just to be safer.

"All right, team," Katie said as the rest of the team arrived. "We’re going to switch positions today, just for practice. So it’s Euan as Keeper, Harry, Jack, and Andy as Chasers, Ginny as Seeker, and Ron and me as Beaters. Got that?"

The team mounted their brooms. "It will be divided into two teams," Katie said. "Chasers are one team, trying to score against the Keeper and the Beaters. The Seeker isn’t on either team… we’ll start a new game when she catches the Snitch."

Ron frowned. He would have to make it look like an accident. There was no way he could logically hit the Bludger towards someone who wasn’t on either team. They kicked off into the air, Ron awkwardly, as he was holding a bat. "No, Jack!" Harry said as Jack tried to score a goal from all the way across the field. Ron rolled his eyes. While Sloper and Kirke had become better at being Beaters, they did not seem to have improved at all with the Quaffle.

Ron watched half-heartedly, every so often hitting a Bludger towards the Chasers. This was boring. Wait a minute… Ginny was near a stand! And Harry was right near her! He hit the Bludger enthusiastically in Ginny’s direction. Was it just him, or did he hit it too hard? Oh, well. Sacrifices had to be made.

"Ron!" Katie said. "What-?"

Ron looked down at his Beater’s bat. Oops, he thought. Half of the bat was lying on the grass, the other half was in his hand. Harry’s eyes widened as he saw the Bludger. He started to move towards it, as if to block it. Ron swore inwardly. No, you idiot, you’re ruining my plan! he thought frantically. Let it hit Ginny!

There was a loud, ominous crack. Ron groaned as Harry was pushed backwards into the stands. There was a shrill scream as he landed on something… no, someone. A minute later, a ruffled and shocked looking Hermione got up and helped Harry up. Harry was wincing in pain and cradling his arm. Ron groaned again. "Weasley!" Katie screeched angrily.

"It was an accident!" Ron said.

"Of course it was a bloody accident!" Katie shouted. "But our Seeker’s arm is broken, you dimwit!"

Oops, Ron thought again.

***

"Weasley," someone said from behind Ron.

Ron turned and was surprised to see Malfoy standing behind him. "Er… hi, Malfoy," he said uncertainly. Harry was in the Hospital Wing, getting his arm fixed by a disapproving Madam Pomfrey.

"What kind of half-witted plan was that?" Malfoy sneered, jumping to the point. "Honestly. Hitting a Bludger towards your best friend?"

"I meant to…"

"Weasley," Malfoy interrupted. "Perhaps you should let me handle this for a while."

"You’ll end up poisoning both of them or something!" Ron choked.

"Well, now that you’re suspicious, I won’t," Malfoy drawled. "Leave it to me, Weasley."

***

Colin Creevey loved to take pictures. But he wished he didn’t like to take pictures so much anymore when Draco Malfoy came up to him after dinner. "Hello, Creevey," Malfoy said. "I have a little… favor to ask of you."

Colin frowned. A favor? For Malfoy? "Er… s-sure," Colin stuttered.

"Good," Malfoy said, smirking. "Then I need you to go into the girls showers and take a few pictures of Ginny Weasley for me."

Colin’s jaw dropped. "N-naked G-Ginny?" he said, his voice two octaves higher than usual.

Malfoy nodded.

"Uh…" Colin said, but Malfoy was already gone. Colin frowned. Why should he listen to a Slytherin? It was obvious Malfoy wanted the pictures for some kind of blackmail… well, he, Colin, would be able to turn that around. He smirked. Oh, yes, he would…

***

"Here, Ron," Colin Creevey chirped happily, handing a wrapped parcel to Ron after breakfast. "These are from Malfoy. He said give them to Harry." Ron nodded, and Colin walked away.

Hmm, Ron thought. Shower pictures, most likely, knowing Malfoy. Ron wasn’t too happy about having Harry see pictures of his sister in the shower, but then again, Colin must have if he had taken the pictures. Ron brushed the brotherly rage that came with this thought away. Well, Harry wouldn’t show him, obviously, and it was better than locking the two up in a broom cupboard… Maybe he’d just leave it on Harry’s Potions desk.

Yes, that was what he would do. He strolled down to the dungeons, whistling happily. Harry and Hermione stared at him, but he was in too good of a mood to care. He rushed ahead of the other two and put the parcel on Harry’s seat, a moment before Harry and Hermione walked in. Harry looked at Ron questionably for a moment, but Ron just shrugged. He inflated with pride. He was such a good actor.

Snape set them to work, and Harry opened the parcel slowly. He frowned when he saw the tips of photographs. Ron was satisfied to see white; that meant Colin had been in the showers. Harry took the rest of the wrapping off, and his eyes widened. His jaw dropped. Ron cackled inwardly with delight. Then Harry screamed.

Snape looked up. Ron frowned. Was his sister that ugly? He sneaked a glance at the photos, ready to cover his eyes. Instead, his eyes widened, and he screamed as well. Hermione scowled. "Oh, for heaven’s sake, can’t you two just make your Potions for once?" She grabbed the photographs from Harry’s limp hand. And promptly screamed in horror.

"Miss Granger, what is it now?" Snape said, striding over. "Don’t tell me you, Potter, and Weasley are reading magazines again, and during Advanced Potions." He snatched the pictures away from Hermione, and dropped them in shock.

"What is it, professor?" Malfoy said, with mock concern.

Snape seemed unable to talk. All he made were some strange choking noises. Malfoy nodded at Crabbe, who sidled over and picked the pictures up from the floor. He handed them wordlessly to Malfoy, who looked at them. His eyes widened. "WHY, THAT LITTLE RAT BASTARD!" he shouted furiously. He began tearing the pictures up, until each one was in little confetti-sized pieces.

"Mr. Malfoy," Snape said, seeming to have regained his ability to talk, "what were you doing in the Prefects’ bathroom? Please tell me that was an intricate dance and not what I thought it was."

Malfoy turned pink. "I’m blind," Ron informed Harry.

"Who wouldn’t be?" Harry replied.

***

That, Ron decided, was the end. He had had enough. Seeing Malfoy in the Prefects’ bathroom had been the last straw. Nevertheless, he was feeling rather downtrodden as he made his way down to breakfast the next morning.

"Hey, Hermione," he said. "Where’s Harry and Ginny?"

Hermione put her Daily Prophet down in surprise. Ron felt someone push into him on purpose, and turned, only to find himself glaring at Malfoy. Ron shivered and tried to erase the memory of the photograph. "Didn’t they tell you?" Hermione said, ignoring Malfoy. Ron shook his head. Hermione sighed. "I suppose they thought you would be… er… hard-headed about it. They’ve, well, they got together after our last Hogsmeade weekend, on Saturday."

Ron’s jaw dropped. Malfoy froze in his spot, on his way to the Slytherin table. He turned, and the two shared a horrified glance.

Now, Ron had two sides to his personality, and he had named them ‘Ron’ Ron and ‘Hermione’ Ron. ‘Hermione’ Ron was bossy and intelligent, and currently, he was saying, Well, the one time you and Malfoy agree with each other is also the time you both make complete fools out of yourselves.

"Shut up," Ron muttered angrily at ‘Hermione’ Ron. "Stop being such a know-it-all."