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The Things You Swore You Saw Yourself | ||||
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Category: Post-OotP Characters:Harry/Ginny Genres: Action/Adventure, Angst, Drama, Fluff, General, Humor Warnings: None Rating: PG-13 Reviews: 4 Summary: *** The author has been reminded via the e-mail address on file that this story is listed as incomplete and has not been updated since 2005 *** "You think you're the only one who hurts? The only one whose childhood has been destroyed? That you are far more superior than everyone else, so you deserve to be treated differently? Well, do you? You may feel pain, feel engulfed by your own feelings of guilt and loneliness, but remember pain isn't just your luxury. You weren't the first person ever to drown in their own feelings of sorrow, nor were you the first to discover that pain so intense you wish to die, never truly leaves you. In a way I feel sorry for you, but I know that my feelings won't influence your thoughts, so I'll just say this, "If you let pain win, you have, in effect, surrendered your soul to darkness. Remember that.'" Hitcount: Story Total: 2379 |
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The things you swore you saw yourself - Chapter One, It Begins. Disclaimer: I own nothing. “You think you’re the only one who hurts? The only one whose childhood has been destroyed? That you are far more superior than everyone else, so you deserve to be treated differently? Well, do you? You may feel pain, feel engulfed by your own feelings of guilt and loneliness, but remember pain isn’t just your luxury. You weren’t the first person ever to drown in their own feelings of sorrow, nor were you the first to discover that pain so intense you wish to die, never truly leaves you. In a way I feel sorry for you, but I know that my feelings won’t influence your thoughts, so I’ll just say this, ‘If you let pain win, you have, in effect, surrendered your soul to darkness. Remember that.’” The words echoed in his skull. They’d been spoken almost three years ago, but still they taunted and goaded him until raging anger built up inside him, needing a release. What had stung him most about those words, was something he could never admit. The feeling, that deep down in his soul, he new they were the truth. After wishing for so long for the truth he found it ironic that now, when he had more of it, he wished he didn’t. It was feeling he hated, a feeling that he couldn’t control and control was what he needed. He needed to be in control of his life. His emotions. His future. His destiny. What was his destiny now? The prophecy had been correct. Voldemort was gone forever and he had survived. Yet why did he feel something was missing? He was a hero in most people’s eyes. Their saviour, the one they owed their mere existence. Why did he not feel like a hero? He felt empty and alone, the deaths of those he had cared about still riding high on his conscience, the wounds from the pain still not fully healed. Life wasn’t fair, but when had it ever been? What right did she have to speak those words when she had known nothing about him? Nothing. Quite funny if you thought about it, the first conversation he’d shared with her was her practically telling him off. Even if it had been true and probably was still. He could admit it, he had been and was a moody git. A big moody git. But he hadn’t needed to be told that. Or did he? He thought of how the words had effected him. How they seemed to sum up his very being. He needed to get out of his sullen routine. He needed to escape from his emotions, needed to feel alive again. He needed the one thing he couldn’t have. Freedom. What was stopping him leaving the wizarding world until he felt he was no longer stuck in the rut he was now? His friends, but they’d understand. They had too. He couldn’t face pretending he was fine when his body and mind screamed for an escape, any escape, just somewhere different. There were those who felt it necessary he stay a part of the wizarding world, if only as a protector. A protector from evil. A thought ran through his brain. ‘They only want me to stay so I can help them.’ They had no right to even think that, after all he’d done his job. Faced Voldemort, murdered him and where had it left him? Miserable and alone. He deserved some time for himself. After years of fighting he was simply fed up. Tired of being stared at, gawped at, feeling uneasy as eyes wondered to his scar. Tired after years of Voldemort manipulating his thoughts and dreams. Didn’t he deserve a break? Just for a while? Then there was the problem of where to go. He didn’t know where he could go. Maybe abroad. Where no one would recognise him. Somewhere hot where he could forget his troubles, somewhere he could relax and let go. Where he could sunbathe all day enjoying cocktails, his only worry; sunburn. His mind was set. He’d pack tomorrow, convert his Wizarding gold into muggle money, then tell the Weasley’s what he intended to do. Being a muggle was the only way he could be promised to be completely unknown to the people he’d meet, the only way. Yes, it would be strange and he’d miss using magic but it had to be done. To save his sanity. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~ Arriving at The Burrow a sense that he’d miss this place embedded itself into his brain. It was true, The Burrow seemed like a home to him, second only to Hogwarts. He knew he’d also miss the people. Ron, his best friend. They’d been through so much together and managed to come out stronger. Hermione, his other best friend. Always the brainy one but there was more to her than intelligence. The Weasley brothers, even Percy. Great people and always up for a laugh. (Maybe not Percy as much.) Ginny, the one who had helped him come to terms with Sirius’ death. If only she knew he still beat himself up over it. Molly and Arthur, much like surrogate parents although he, and they, knew they could never take the place of his true parents. He’s miss all of them terribly and hoped they would accept his decision. Well, what was he waiting for? Now was the time. He drew a deep breath and stepped up towards the door. He’d asked them all to be there earlier this morning, and hoped that they all were. He knocked and was greeted by a pregnant Hermione, who looked pleased to see him. “Harry. We’re all starting to get a bit worried about you, haven’t seen you in a while. So, how are you doing?” “Hi Hermione. Sorry about that, but that’s sort of why I want to talk to everyone. Are they here?” She looked concerned. “Yes, why is everything okay?” “It will be,” She looked inquiringly at him, willing him to explain his cryptic answer. “Everyone in the Kitchen?” She nodded and he strode past her. ---------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ---------- They were all gathered around the Weasley’s kitchen table, arguing. “Harry, mate. Come on, you can’t hate the Wizarding world that much. It’s your home. You hate the muggle world.” “Fred’s right. Why leave now? We know your fed up with being ‘The-Boy-Who-Defeated-Voldemort’ but think about it. No magic. No Quidditch.” “I won’t be gone forever. I just need to get away for a while. You can see that can’t you?” He looked almost desperately around, hoping no-one argued with him, it’d make it that much harder than it already was. “We can,” Hermione said, tears welling up in her eyes. “we just don’t want you to go.” “I won’t be gone forever.” He repeated. “You don’t even know where your going. Please Harry, think about this.” “Harry dear, please.” Ginny, who’d been quiet during this exchange finally spoke up. “I want to go with you.” Those simple six words caused utter mayhem. “What? Ginny you can’t. You’ve only just left school. -” “Ginny, your just seventeen. You’ve no reason to go.” “You can’t go,” Ron starting to get angry now. Not only was he going to lose his best friend, but it seemed he was going to lose his baby sister as well. “Harry’s going to escape the Wizarding world. I don’t want him to go, but it’s his decision and I know he won’t back down,” Harry threw Ron an appreciative grin, “You’d just be a reminder of what he’d be trying to get away from.” “Oh so that’s what I am now, is it? A reminder of the Wizarding World? Is that all you think of me Ron?” asked Ginny. “What? No. That’s not what I mean.” “Well what do you mean then?” “I just meant that, well, you know what I mean.” He looked uncomfortable. “No, Ron, I don’t. You tell me.” It was a challenge now, both of them desperate to win. “Listen, Ron, Ginny.” Arthur’s voice rang through the room, shutting the two up. Arthur hardly ever rose his voice. “This isn’t getting us anywhere. He turned to look at Harry. “We understand your need to get away, and we thank you for telling us your plans. I hope you find what your searching for away from here and that you know you will always be welcomed back here.” To these words, spluttering could be heard and disagreements with what their father had just said started. “Boys, men, please. Let Harry go. He says it won’t be forever so trust him that it won’t be.” His attention focused on his youngest child, the only girl. “Ginny,” He said warily. “why do you want to go?” She smiled at her father before answering. He always gave everyone a chance to voice their opinion. “Well, if Harry doesn’t mind that is,” She shot Harry a smile. “I’d like to go with him because I need to get away as well.” Her brothers looked doubtful but didn’t say anything, she took a deep breath. “After all that’s happened, the war, the battle, the, the deaths, I just think it’d be a good idea to get away for a while. Everyone else has already started their lives again, but I haven’t. Not properly. I need to get away so I can begin to sort my head out. The war brought back memories of the,” She paused. “The chamber. I realised that instead of dealing with the consequences after what happened there happened, I just blocked it all out. I was trying to forget. Hoping that if I didn’t think about it, it meant it hadn’t happened. I need to sort my thoughts out so I can go back to normal, so I don’t dwell on what happened and so I can look to the future without feeling guilty.” She released a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding in. “What do you think?” There was hope in her voice, hope mixed with sadness. What she had said was true. The war had brought back horrible memories and thoughts, ones she’d thought she’d got rid of, especially seeing Voldemort’s new body. It was disturbing to think that that creature was the same person as the kind boy she’d spilled her heart out to. Her father looked like he was contemplating it but her mother broke down into tears and hugged her only daughter. “Oh Ginny, we had no idea. If you think it’ll help of course you can go, just promise to keep yourself safe and write regularly.” Ginny turned slowly towards Harry. “So, what do you think?” What did he think? At first his initial thoughts were to tell her that he didn’t want her to come with him. That Ron was right, he was trying to escape the Wizarding world, not be reminded of it at every given moment. He needed time and space to think and dwell by himself. Come to terms with what had happened and start to build a new, hopefully happier, life. Not having to worry that Ginny was okay. His bottled up emotions were so raw and he didn’t want her to be on the receiving end if they spilled out, him unable to control them. He also knew she wasn’t a child. She’d proved that long before the Final Battle, which cemented his feeling that she could handle herself. Also, she was the only one who seemed to be able to counter his verbal attacks. Maybe having her around would serve well for both of them, him to help control his anger, and her to help heal the mental scars left by Tom’s invasion of her mind and body. He came to a decision. “Well, as long as you’re allowed, okay.” He looked around the room, watching to see if the other’s opinions of the matter showed on their faces. He frowned. He expected to see disapproving or even angry faces staring back at him but he found only sadness and slight happiness. Sadness for their sister and the man they thought of as a brother’s departure and slight happiness at the prospect that they would both return elated and at peace, something they both craved. “I wish you didn’t have to go but I know that you both staying here is not doing you any good. Be safe, write often and look out for one another. When will you be going?” said Arthur. “Well I was hoping to go early in the morning, if that’s alright with you Ginny? “That’s fine. I’ll pack my things tonight.” A/N: I know it’s a bit slow, but please give it a chance. I have some good ideas for this story and hope you enjoyed reading the first chapter. Please Read + Review!!! |
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