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SIYE Time:10:21 on 28th March 2024
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Fear and Love
By Jaquelyne

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Category: Alternate Universe
Characters:Harry/Ginny
Genres: Angst, Drama, Songfic
Warnings: Death
Story is Complete
Rating: G
Reviews: 13
Summary: Harry leaves his world to hide from those that love him. Revised~ Beta'd by Shellebelle
Hitcount: Story Total: 4712







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A/N: A few years ago, there was a band that I stumbled across called Morcheeba. I had popped in one of their CD’s tonight and was reminded of a song of theirs. So, I thought I would use it for a fan fic and try my hand at angst.

If there were to be a dedication, then it would be dedicated to the Ladies on the Angst thread in Writer’s Reference on Requiem. This is for Chloe, Hobbit maiden, Cinnamon Spice, Erika 24, Little Midnight, Sugar Plum, Jenna Mae, Gilyann, Julye. Purple Moon, and Pippi_Lou.


Fear and Love


The wind whipped along the beach bending the sea grass that had been there for years. Grey seagulls called to him from the sky, sweeping down over the water and catching their nightly supper. He could see a lone figure standing along the rocks that were a break for the crashing surf. The woman would wave to him, whispering along the wind to join her at the water. He wanted to so badly. His soul ached to join her. He would start to walk to her, his cloak whipping in the wind. Her hair would be dancing along the breeze like a torch, the reds and golds being highlighted by the setting sun. His pace would quicken to her. Those chocolate brown eyes glittered with laughter. The white dress she wore made her look like an angel waiting to sooth his inner demons. She was his angel. The skirts of the gown would wrap around her as her bare feet played in the sand. As he got closer to her, she seemed to get even further than she had been to him. That’s when he would hear the maniacal laughter of a mad man, taunting him. The image of his angel would disappear as quickly as she would appear. He would be left standing on the beach alone, forever alone…

“Dammit!” Harry screamed to the empty bedroom he was in. How he hated that dream. It would come every night to haunt him. He sat up in his bed and ran his hands through his hair.

Harry stood up and headed to the bathroom across the hall. He turned on the cold water, splashing the liquid over his sweaty face. Both of his hands rested on each side of the basin as he stared in the mirror. Harry’s bright green eyes darkened form the lack of sleep he had been getting lately.

It wasn’t dreams of the final battle that woke him these days. They were of Ginny Weasley. Harry hadn’t seen her in the two years since he had left England. After the loss of Ron and Hermione, he never wanted to be back around those that loved him. He had packed a small bag and left England forever. There was no turning back.

When he left England, Harry had looked for a part of the world where the temperature was like that of home. When he began to travel, he had read a book by an American author named John Steinbeck. Mr. Steinbeck’s description of northern California suited Harry’s needs to a tee. He was sure that no one would notice the young British man that bought an empty home off the beaches of Santa Cruz. Except for basic things that could only be done with magic, he lived as a Muggle.

Harry talked to no one except the mailman that only brought him mail addressed to “Resident” or his bills. He was working towards a college degree at one of the universities in the area. The girls would flirt with him, but he ignored them. He didn’t want anyone to give him friendship or comfort.

This was Harry’s self-imposed exile. He had gotten his two best friends killed in the final battle. It was entirely his fault that Ron and Hermione had died. At least that is what he told himself a hundred times a day. Harry would wallow in self-pity daily. The few owls that were able to find him, their post would be left unanswered on the kitchen table. He didn’t need to the Weasley’s blaming him for the loss of Ron. Harry had hoped that they would have left him alone in time, but still the Weasley family persisted.


Harry walked to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. It was a ritual that kept him sane for the most part. After putting in a little sugar and cream, he walked to his porch. Hedwig was sitting on the banister watching the waves. The radio he never shut off was playing music from the college station. A song that he had heard before came on and began to flow into his mind.

We always have a choice
Or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice
I thought this to be true
We can live in fear
Extend our selves to love
We can fall below
Or lift our selves above


Harry didn’t have a choice did he? If he went back to England then everyone would start blaming him. He was sure of it. Harry didn’t want to hear them all call him a murderer. He couldn’t bear it.

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear


That was very true in Harry’s tortured mind. How could Ginny love him after what he did to her brother? He could have stopped Lucius from casting that curse on Hermione and if Ron hadn’t gone to her rescue, Harry could have saved them both. The tears that came when he thought about the last battle started to fall. Harry set down his teacup, placing his hands on his knees. The waves crashed along the shore.

Always try so hard
To share my self around
But now I'm closing up again
Drilling through the ground


Why did he have to be the savior of the wizarding world? Why did everything have to be on the shoulders of an eighteen-year-old boy? It was just better that he stayed away from everyone. No one would have any use for him, but to place the blame of all those lost in the battle. Harry had never asked them to fight his war. The final fight was personal between Tom Riddle and Harry Potter. No one else should have been on the battlefield that day.

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear


No, it was better for everyone involved that Harry stay in America. No one could find him here, and he could stay invisible. He didn’t have to worry about love. Who would love him anyway?

I'd love to give my self away
But I find it hard to trust
I've got no map to find my way
Amongst these clouds of dust


Harry knew better than to trust anyone. He wanted to stay on his beach alone. He was sure that Ginny hated him. That’s why she kept writing. It was only to blame him for the loss that the Weasley family had endured. He didn’t need to hear what he already knew.

Harry would never see Ron or Hermione ever again. The love that they had for each other was what had lead Harry to allow himself to fall in love. Ginny had so readily to taken him into her heart. She had helped him fight those inner demons during his final year at Hogwarts. Her love had kept Harry sane through all the trials that befell him. He so missed her embrace.

The dream that plagued him nightly would only make him miss her. He longed for her voice, her laughter and her love. Ginny made the world beautiful for him. His perfect angel, she couldn’t love him now, he had lead to the death of her brother and her best friend. Ginny need not be soiled with Harry’s sins.

Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear


Harry stood up and headed back to the kitchen. He dropped the cup in the sink. His eyes rested on the two new letters waiting for him from Molly and Ginny. Harry already knew what they said. Why should he open them and have the words thrown in his face? He could never get Ron and Hermione back in his life.

When Lucius cast the killing curse at Ron, Harry almost left the duel he was in with Voldemort. As Death Eaters and students battled in front of Hogwarts, many people fell. Harry felt that any one of those dead was his fault, but thoughts of Ron and Hermione antagonized him every minute he was awake. The nightmares of their death ran through the theater of his mind during the day. He would see a tall redhead and a small brunette at University and the memories would flood his psyche.

The sound of the crashing waves along the beach called him back to the porch. He grabbed the t-shirt that was draped beside Hedwig on the banister, pulling it over his head. Harry walked the few meters to the water. Hedwig had taken off from the house and alighted on his right shoulder. They stood there together watching the water for an hour. Hedwig would nibble his ear affectionately. His left hand reached up and ruffled her feathers. She was his only friend now. He had tried to leave her in England, but she found him. Part of Harry was glad that she had, because it was a small reminder of the good times he had at Hogwarts.

Hedwig hooted to someone in the distance. Harry turned to see whom she was calling. A woman was walking toward his stretch of the beach. He was used to tourist or locals walking along the sand. It never bothered him. They rarely ever spoke to him. Harry would wave; they would nod and be on their way.

Something was different about this stranger though. She was about mid height and slender. He couldn’t tell her hair color but the night breeze was blowing around her long hair. The cool wind blew her long skirt around her legs, her sandals in her hands. She seemed to be walking toward him and not along the water, the way most did. Then he heard her call out. “Harry?” A voice from the past echoed in his mind. No, it couldn’t be. The woman waved with her free hand. He turned and started to walk back to the house. This was all a dream or a fantasy. It wasn’t real.

“Harry Potter!” The voice was beginning to overload his senses. Hedwig took off from his shoulder heading to the woman. He kept reminding himself that his was all a dream. “Harry, stop please.”

He finally stopped. Normally in his dream he was going toward her, not the other way around. Harry turned to the figure coming toward him. He saw Hedwig sitting on the woman’s shoulder, Ginny’s shoulder.

She ran to him. Her arms were outstretched reaching for Harry. He took a step back when she reached him. “Go back home, Ginny. I don’t care how you found me, just leave.”

“Harry, I came here to bring you home. I am not leaving till you are with me.” Her deep brown eyes searched his face. Ginny touched him, his body tensing at her hands.

“No, I am staying here. I don’t belong at your home. I live here now. This is my home. So, leave now.” He turned and walked back to the house. Hedwig flew to her perch inside. Ginny kept following him.

“We all miss you Harry. You don’t belong here. You belong with those that love you. You belong with me.” Her tears began to fall, sliding down her cheeks.

“It’s my fault they are all gone. I don’t want to see anyone. I have asked you to leave, please do.” He started up the stairs.

Ginny reached out and grabbed his right hand. “Their deaths are not your fault. Is that why you left us? Please tell me.” A sob came from deep within her. Seeing Harry this way was breaking her heart.

“Ron and Hermione wouldn’t be dead if it wasn’t for me. I could have saved them.” His own tears fell unbidden. Harry tried to pull his hand from Gin.

She gripped his hand tighter. “You didn’t kill them. Lucius Malfoy did. Stop thinking that way! There was nothing you could have done.”

Harry turned to Ginny. He always hated to see her cry. Ginny was his angel and she shouldn’t cry for him. She walked up the three steps to stand before him on the porch. Ginny let go of his hand and slipped her arms around his waist. Harry tried to look away from her.

“Harry, look at me.’ He turned his face toward her. Their eyes met for the first time in two years. He so wanted to be lost in the depths of browns and golds that were in her eyes. “Remus misses you. Mum and Dad miss you. I miss you. We don’t blame you for anything. You saved us all.”

“I didn’t save Ron or Hermione. They are dead,” he spat back bitterly.

“No Harry.” He could hear the love in her voice. “They died protecting us. They died to make sure that you could destroy Voldemort. Please accept that.”

“They shouldn’t have had to die.” He watched her wince at the bitterness of his words.

“If you choose to believe this and won’t come home, then I am staying here. I refuse to leave you ever again.” She enveloped him in her arms. He could feel her heart beating against his chest. The thing he had longed for was in his grasp, Harry’s arms wrapped around her shoulders. He could smell the vanilla scent that was always in her hair. “I love you.”

Her words tore at his heart. Harry had wanted to hear them for a long time. He missed her more than he had known. He laid his head on her shoulder and sobbed. All of the pain he had put himself through spilled on to her shoulder. They pulled each other closer.

“I love you too.” He finally managed through his tears. Harry’s knees began to give out and they moved down, sitting on the porch.

Ginny held him until the sun rose over the house. She had come over five thousand and three hundred miles to find her love and wasn’t leaving till he came home.

Harry knew that morning that home was any place Ginny was. She didn’t blame him. He could be where she was. His dream had come true.

A/N2: Beta'd by the lovely Shellebelle
Reviews 13
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