Greetings!

I imagine that this review will be a fair bit shorter than the last couple, because I'm only going to be going over this chapter specifically. I can't really make any promises though, because I talk too much a lot of the time :-)

I have to be honest, and tell you that where your previous chapters have been excellent, this one comes in at "very good". The vast majority of it was as good as ever, and it contained all of the elements that have made your previous chapters, really, truly fantastic, but there were some things that I noticed that took away from it a little bit over all.

The number one thing that jumped out at me, and I felt, took away from the narrative the most, was the didactic nature of both your prose and the characters' dialogue. In this chapter you are trying to relate a very large amount of information in a relatively short span of time. Obviously, this is going to put you in to a very "tell" mode of thinking, and I think that that's what effected the chapter quality the most.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, in reference to writing, that goes, "Show, dont' tell.."? Overall, as an excellent writer, you've adhered to this idea perfectly. In this chapter though, because you've had so much that you needed to *tell* the reader, you've moved in to a mode where you're doing a lot more telling, and enough less showing that it's noticeable.

For an example of this, skim back through this chapter, and take a look at how many times you directly elaborate on the nature of your characters' feelings. In general, you have allowed their actions to stand as the best evidence of the nature and strength of what they've felt, but in this chapter, you've clarified directly, as the author, in the author's "voice":


“What do you mean?� he replied, outraged at her accusations,.."

In the above sentence, you directly tell us that Ron is outraged at her accusations...I'm getting very, very nitpicky here, but hear me out...The issue is not that you've told us that he is outraged...we could have gathered that from the surrounding text, but even so, it's good to have clarity in your dialogue, to help us have a clear picture of his tone...However, going the further step, and informing us that he is outraged "at her accusations" is providing us with more information that we need...the context tells us why he's outraged, so by telling us in the prose, you're being slightly redundant, and that chops up the flow of the exchange between the two characters, because we as readers have to "reprocess" the information we've already been given. There are other examples like this throughout the chapter, that could probably be improved 100% by just chopping off the more explicit part of the phrase, the part that does the most "telling" rather than showing.

I found it a bit harder to find solid examples of this, but you also spend more time than is really necessary detailing the specifics of their emotional state and motivations. One example I can think of, later in the chapter:

"In the fire lit solitude of the common room, they shared a comforting embrace, each of them taking their time to feel complete."

The issue I have with the above, is again, the "tell" nature of the last part of the sentence..."each of them taking their time..." Is it vitally important for the reader to know that they were both drawing a sense of completeness from the embrace? I'd say, probably, but even given that fact, it might have been better to display this fact through their individual behavior, or some snippet of dialogue. You trust that your readers will infer or realize the completeness the two of them derive from the moment by giving the reader enough contextual information to come to that conclusion.

Two slightly more minor nitpicks, and I swear I'm done! First, I feel that this is because of the amount of information you were trying to put forward and the amount you were trying to accomplish, but your dialogue put some characters, most noteably Harry and Ginny, a little bit out of character. Ginny, because she was trying to convey everything she'd been through, ended up sounding a little bit more like *you* and less like Ginny...and Harry during his psuedo-confrontation with Ron over what he'd been getting up to with Ginny was just a little off too...Maybe a little more bold than I'd expect him to sound, given the circumstances? Ginny was closer to her personality, it just sounded occassionally as if she were more of a text-book or a narrative insertion rather than "herself" so to speak. Harry was just a little more plot-serving than Harry.

Second minor nitpick...the Dementor's gave up guarding Azkaban as of the 5th book, and this fact is absolutely confirmed in the beginning of the 6th by Fudge when he's talking to the Muggle prime minister. Bearing that in mind, although we don't know who has been guarding the prison, it hasn't been the Dementor's for some time. Not saying a break-out from Azkaban isn't a good idea...the baddies just need to be getting past something *other* than Dementy-whatzits. :D.

Okay, I'm done raking you over the coals, I promise! I know that you realize that my criticism is only leveled in an effort to help, but accept my apologies if I've come off too picky or have sounded a bit like a pushy know-it-all, it's not intended that way.

I didn't come here just to tell you what was *wrong* with the chapter. Overall, it was quite good, and this was another chapter where we learn a great deal, even if it was frustratingly not enough :-). You've continued the trend of character growth that is so vitally important to your story...well, as it would be to any good story, and you've also cast out the lines as far as where the story is going to go. One of the issues that arises when you've got a chapter that convey's a lot of information is that it can eventually cease to be *interesting*, a "page-turner" so to speak, and you've avoided that entirely. The main thing that this chapter accomplishes is to have us wondering what's coming next...without being a cliff-hanger in the classic sense, and that's just a result of good writing. You've given us a lot to expect and look forward to, and that's the whole aim of a "setup" chapter like this one.

So,...I think I promised...waaaay up there...to keep this brief, didn't I? I'm sorry for not sticking with that idea, and I hope you'll forgive me if anything I said was a bit harsh...You remain my favorite author, this remains my favorite story, and I'm waiting eagerly for the next installment :-).

Cheers!

Scout


Author's Response: I have taken all this into consideration, and I do see what you mean. I suppose I could have acknowledged and remedied the weaknesses of this chapter if I was able to concentrate more during the writing, although that is hardly an excuse. Allow me to explain. I would imagine that most fanfiction authors are able to work on their stories at their leisure, and in the comfort of their own homes. Unfortunately, I am denied that luxury. Due to circumstances that I will not go into, Harry Potter is something of a taboo subject in the house where I live (I know it sounds absurd, but trust me, there are reasons). Therefore, the only time I have to work on my story is my half hour lunch break at work, and sometimes another half hour or so if I manage to get to the office early. So, as you can imagine, I am unable to pay the kind of attention to detail that I would like most of the time. Parts of the story have suffered, either because of the frustration of only being able to compose a few paragraphs at a time, or if I have a certain event in mind and end up rushing through certain chapters to reach it. Then again, I will freely admit that my literary abilities are hardly the strongest at the best of times! Thanks again for the reviews. I will make every effort to improve upon the flow of the story in future...