Sink Into Your Eyes :: Sink Into Your Eyes - A Harry/Ginny Fanfiction Archive

Reviewer: ReaderRabbit Signed Date: 2009.01.14 - 09:01AM Title: Dinner and Partners

Let me first start off by saying that I really do like the story premise and the story over all. I also tend to be more of a "devils advocate" in my reviews but understand that does not mean Iâ€™m flaming you or hate the story. If that were the case I just would not read or review.

So with that said.

I think that the characters are too occ in their dialog. They do not read like I would expect.

I hate to say this but the dialog and actions at the beginning with Evan and Luna really felt like it was something that would happen between two girls. It felt like Evan is Gay. Evan should be a 19 year old farm raised guy in your time line? I do not know many 19 year old non gay guys that would throw pillows. It just seemed like Evan's character is very in touch with his female side and it does not fit with what I would expect from him.

Let me explain what I mean. While Evan/Harry grew up in a loving family unlike cannon he was raised on a farm where he and Dudley where very close and to where he escaped to every summer. Living in a rural area and knowing farm boys they tend to be rough around the corners and more of what you might call a manâ€™s man type of behavior where Evan seems to have a polished upper class background feel to him. Now throw Sirius into the mix and I really think what his personality should be is missing.

Letâ€™s also take in to account Evan/Harry's last seven years. We are given that the major events happened as in cannon but with Harry just showing up at the last second to save the day. You have not said it but I would assume that Evan was involved in those events but Harry finished them. I do not see the influence of those events on him.

I see Harry as a Special Forces type of character like a navy seal. If you look at it like that you might see what I mean. I was expecting Evan to act like say Neville from cannon you know sort of bumbling with a lack of confidence and magical power to aide in his cover.

Hermonie's character does not seem to fit either. Her dialog does not seem to fit. I do not see her saying â€œHonestly, that boyfriend of mine!". It just does not seem like she would talk like that. I really cannot explain what it is but she just seems very different from what we know her as.

I hope you will maybe cut out all the nicknames. It would be tiresome if everyone is called by a nickname. Some are ok in the right context. Like Harry calling Ginny "Gin", Ron calling Hermonie "Monie", but I never really saw Harry calling her "Monie". Evan IS Harry just hiding but he seems to be lacking any influence that the evens Harry has went through. I really don't like the "Lu", "Ev" nicknames. I know you us them to show a level of closeness but I don't know it just seems juvenile with all the nicknames.

I like the twins and always like them in a good story. Be careful that you do not write them as to juvenile. Give them a more mature humor as they are what 21 year old business owners. While it is a joke shop they have to have some ability to be professional and serious.

Wouldn't Evan and Ginny already know Colin? It did not seem like it.

The overall feel of the chapter seemed wrong in that they are in the middle of a brutal war where people are being killed every day. The magic community is very small in Britain and the war is right there in their face so to speak but I got the feeling like they are not directly affected by the war almost like it is in a completely different country. It just lacks the dark feeling that would be happing. It's just not Tom against people but he has a small army and they do not mind killing and destroying homes and business.

I like the superman like premise but you have to account for some differences like Clark was raised as a only child by a very elderly couple and most of the bad guys where single people with maybe a few supporting men. The HP universe is in a full blown out war with a determined army on one side and a lot of corruption lack of leadership and covert people that support the enemy trying to keep the good side from becoming effective on the other.

:-) Just my 2 cents.