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SIYE Time:22:22 on 28th March 2024
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Reviewer: sdourse Signed Date: 2016.10.21 - 10:37AM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

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Ouch, harsh review!

Personally it looks like there's more to the story than the usual powerful OC narrative, but I do see Elle's point about the characters. The bad guys are way over the top; the authority figures are very cliche in their unsupportiveness, and your heroes / heroines just seem a bit... colorless?

It's a bit like the difference between cold line drawings, compared to the nuanced brush strokes that a fair number of authors on this site give us.

I think I'm going to put this story aside for now. You really might consider reading some of the other authors here to get a feel for how they 'connect'. Connect with readers; connect with characters. This story has potential, but it could use some careful thought and rewriting.

Good luck!

P.S. There are quite a few grammatical errors, some problems with quotation mark placement, and some odd turns of phrase. E.g., the narrator said about Harry that "there were very little people who liked him". This means he's popular in Lilliput? Oh, and nearly all of this chapter is italicized.

Author's Response: Well, yes at the time the review hit hard, lol. It's a fair review, though. The characters really aren't that life-like and realistic. Thanks, 10 months later, for the tips and point out the mistakes! The italics seemed like a good idea for a flashback at the time, don't know why now. I'll stick to a simple "THIS IS A FLASHBACK" notification at the start of it next time :D



Reviewer: skiutahnum1 Signed Date: 2016.07.17 - 03:45PM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

Oops harry screwed up big time now....then again fate screwed him bad....kutgw



Reviewer: carolyn jinn Signed Date: 2016.06.30 - 11:37PM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

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Interesting chapter. Harry and Daphne is an interesting couple but it can't last much longer being that they are apart form eachother, with maybe no chance of being together again.
Looking forward to more.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! Well, the next chapter has just arrived! About Harry and Daphne: it does look very grim, doesn't it?



Reviewer: Gin110881 Signed Date: 2016.06.30 - 09:52AM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

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Oh, oh. At first a Slytherin Harry and now Daphne. It's the second stab into my back.

I must admit that it took me a day of thinking before I was able to write down my 5 Knuts. And I also must admit that at ffnet I'd have stopped reading at this point, or better suspended reading until the story is finished.

Usually I see Daphne as a positive character (as long as she keeps her hands out of his boxers). And now I fear that Ginny has to suffer for another three years before Harry eventually pulls his head out of his arse. On the other hand, without Ron around he might get his act together a few days earlier, lol.
OK, a Gryffindor Harry wouldn't ask out another girl before he'd officially broke-up with Daphne (and this would be a hard to accomplish in his actual situation). Let's hope that the Slytherins don't care so much about manners,lol.

But at the end, the mystery how Ginny and Harry became the friends there are now isn't solved yet. Apparently, there is still a silver lining at the horizon, lol.

Author's Response: Thank you very much for still continuing reading, even though you don't like the pairing! If you would like a sneak peek: I upload this story to SIYE for a reason! And you're very, very accurate in pointing out the mystery of how Ginny and Harry became friends. Maybe there's another factor out there pulling the strings?



Reviewer: Prongs I Signed Date: 2016.06.29 - 10:06AM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

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Wow, Daphne? I'm not sure if I like this idea. I have to think about it. I was a wee bit surprised that Harry's already dating in his second year. Maybe I'm a bit to accustomed to the old fashioned Gryffindor habits. They usually start dating a couple of years later, lol. But maybe it doesn't matter at all. Eventually, Harry has been expelled and there is a fair chance that he'll never see Daphne again.
It's a great story so far. Thank you!

Author's Response: I didn't really expect people from SIYE to like Harry/Daphne, haha! If I may correct you: this took place right before Harry, Ginny and Sirius had to flee, so December 1993, during Harry's third year. And yes, the relationship does look doomed, does it? Poor Harry.



Reviewer: MollyandArthur Signed Date: 2016.06.28 - 07:46AM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

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Poor Harry. That was a truly painful memory. I can certainly understand Daphne wanting to run away from a betrothal with Draco Malfoy, but, of course, the idea of a 13 and 14 year old running away together. They are so young. Harry's comment about not wanting to leave Ginny was also interesting. I like the fact that Harry is clearly friendly with Hermione as well.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! Yeah, teenagers often have grand plans of running away and living on their own, but it rarely turns out well, does it?



Reviewer: Aurorofthelight Signed Date: 2016.06.27 - 08:21PM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

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Interesting chapter but not sure what the point of it was. I might suggest you duck as you've likely invited several green beams of light to head your way for daring to suggest Harry would hook up with Daphne Greengrass instead of Ginny! Please keep the chapters coming
please! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Haha, the reactions have been surprisingly mild. I'm surprised. The worst thing I had in the reviews was "I can tolerate Harry/Ginny/Daphne". Pah, I'm not that cheap!



Reviewer: MisterBlack Signed Date: 2016.06.27 - 02:41PM Title: Chapter 4: Daphne

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Oh... shit... damn... sorry for the cursing... but MAN! I love your Harry! He really is Harry but just... SLYTHERIN!

It sounds silly saying that but its true. The Harry Potter fics I have read have Harry being some creepy, arrogant, dark lord in training Slytherin. I have never liked that portrayal of SlytherinHarry. Brennus has a fic called "Hail Odysseus" and it has a Slytherin Harry with a slight twist and I think its brilliant. He did Harry not evil but not good either. He is more of a gray character and still Harry but just with an edge and tough touch but still brilliant. One of my favorites for sure.

Your Harry I feel is more towards canon Harry but with a Slytherin background.

One thing I really did not like: Gods.

I don't know why but I just cringe when authors use that in dialogue. It just doesn't flow right IMO and it isn't something modern people would say. Them living in the magical world would most likely use "Merlin" than "Gods." That is honestly the only thing that I did not like. I just don't see them believing in one god much less several.

Now... for me I was surprised that Daphne was a love interest. The usual pick is Tracy since she is half-blood. I actually liked her. Like you don't know much about Daphne but you can tell that not everything is right at home. Still... for me... Ginny > everyone. :P

Uhm... I wanted to bring something up though about Harry being Slytherin. It seems to me like everyone distrusts the boy simply because he is a Slytherin but what about the rest of the population? If I were a student in Slytherin I would feel kinda insulted that just because you are from one house that you are not trustworthy FURTHERMORE.... I am really surprised that Severus even backed this idea in the first place.

I would think he of all people would be most understanding and would actually defend Harry in this particular instance. It just seems to me that the Wizarding World just focuses on him being a Slytherin and therefore not trustworthy and judges him for it but everyone else is okay even if they do belong in the same house.

I cannot believe I am actually saying this but I do hope Daphne understands why Harry had to leave. It must be rough to make such a promise and then have all of this happen.

As much as I love Harry and Ginny I just wanted to applaud how you do not have them in love so quickly. This is more realistic and this gives you a better chance at building them up instead. Harry has had a rough life in your universe and the poor kid needs major support now more than ever. I am sure in time Ginny will be his world but for now its good to build up to that.

Oh and one other thing (I know I am all over the place but my mind is pretty much scattered right now) YES to the reference to Hermione. I actually like that they are at least friendly and it would be a shame to lose that friendship. Many people rag on her but she is an amazing character.

There is more I wanted to say but for the life of me I cannot remember. Ahh well... I will bring it up again in another review if I remember.

Author's Response: Hey, thank you very, very much for these reviews! I really appreciate the thoroughness. I'm glad you like this Harry, I'd like to imagine him here as the same Harry we all know, yet here and there a few little things put him on an entirely different path. About the 'gods': Daphne comes from a pretty rich, influential family, so I think she has a bit of a posh accent. I think she'd rather say "gods" than "shit" or "bloody hell", personally. I generally don't like "Merlin" myself as a stop word. Just goes to show everyone has different tastes, right? :) About Dumbledore and Snape: you do bring up a good point. In my mind, Dumbledore saw lots of similarities between Harry and Tom in canon. But he trusted Harry because he got sorted in Gryffindor, so he assumed Harry would make the right choices. But now he's in Slytherin... Anyway, expect the next chapter soon!




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