Reviews For HB Prince: Year of Love
Reviewer: Trey Anonymous Date: 2005.11.08 - 10:46AM Title: Chap 30 - Decisions
Interesting...I'm very interested to see how this turns out now.
Reviewer: danielle Anonymous Date: 2005.11.06 - 01:38AM Title: Chap 46 - Meetings With Dumbledore
why does harry always put a pillow between himself and ginny?
........... i mean, i know they have to be careful but thats just a bit weird...........
is something going on there?
keep up the great work
Reviewer: redcannons Anonymous Date: 2005.11.04 - 04:27AM Title: Chap 1-Alone
Your sentene structure is kind of predictable: they're alwyas short. Perhaps you should go into detail more, like when Dumbledore came, all you said was that there was an overwhelming smell and that he gagged. Work a little more on it and if you need a beta, let me know.
Reviewer: Xfactor Anonymous Date: 2005.11.03 - 10:52PM Title: Chap 46 - Meetings With Dumbledore
Nice! Keep up the gret work.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.03 - 12:07PM Title: Chap 46 - Meetings With Dumbledore
The writing has been steadily improving, and now holds a decent standard. The plot is particularly good, and immensely frustrating, both of which are good things. I look forward to seeing the continuation.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.03 - 12:41AM Title: Chap 39 - The Gift
Eight.... chapters... to... go.... must... sleep....
It's now 0540. I still need to get some sleep before my 10 AM lecture. This is bad news. And it's all your fault. EVIL fic! :-p
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 11:31PM Title: Chap 32 - Castle of Love
You keep writing "conscience" when you presumably mean "conscious" and "consciousness" - quite a significant difference...
Meanwhile, the plot thickens.... evil, surveillance, gunpowder, treason and plot! BWAHAHAHA!
Okay, maybe not so much gunpowder. But I like explosions.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 11:03PM Title: Chap 28 - Valentines Ball
Still a fair few Americanisms creeping in, most notably "diapers"; on this side of the pond we use "nappies".
Other than that, the usual still applies. Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention a few chapters ago: Hagrid's appearance was brief, but was well written and definitely in character. Good work.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 10:29PM Title: Chap 24 - Ginny's Nightmare
It's becoming clearer and clearer that writing interaction and emotion is definitely one of your strengths. Very well done.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 10:20PM Title: Chap 23 - Harry Christmas
If you want to check the spelling of canon words - Chudley Cannons, Hogsmeade and the like - have a look at www.hp-lexicon.org
You also really need to work on your word use. Most of the time it's not a big deal, but sometimes there are glaring - and sometimes hilarious - errors like "an autistic guitar"....
The past tense of "shine" is "shone".
"Don't be sending" is a very American construction, and certainly out of character for Vernon.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 09:53PM Title: Chap 21- Re-Organized
Doesn't! "Gran doesn't know about those," not "gran don't know..."
If nothing else, you really need to work on your tenses. The narrative is full of switches from the past to present tense, which gets annoying.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 09:31PM Title: Chap 18 - Harvest Ball
Ouch! The tenses have got you again! "He had did it on his first try" - no! Bad! "He had done it" is correct.
Other than that, and the usual errors, there's nothing major to criticise in this chapter. But oh, the frustration! Harry and Ginny are both so thick, they're missing out on vast tracts of fluff!
Hrm, don't mind me. I just get a bit soppy sometimes.
Oh, and just a quick note to the previous reviewer... why shouldn't Harry have sex on his mind? He's male, he's a teenager... even in the books there are definite references to him having decidedly mucky dreams and things.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 09:18PM Title: Chap 17 - Tonks' Visit
Hmmm.... assuming this was written pre-HBP, congratulations on getting the prediction right
Again, believable reactions and emotions, with pretty bad English. Another thing you might want to look out for is when you write what should be one sentence as two:
He ran down the hill. Carrying a bucket.
...for instance, should be:
He ran down the hill, carrying a bucket.
That's an error you make a lot, and your writing really would benefit a lot from that improvement alone.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:55PM Title: Chap 14 - Hogsmeade
The plot's as good as ever, but you really need a beta. For instance, the past tense of "see" is "saw" - "I never saw Madam Pomfrey". "I never seen" is dialect, and not a dialect Ginny's been shown as having.
On the plus side, while the battle is rather simplistically described, the aftermath and accompanying emotions are very well done, and the students' reactions are plausible. Well done.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:42PM Title: Chap 13- Quidditch & Troubles
Please.... check your spelling. For homophones and words with more than one spelling, make sure you're using the right one!
As ever, the plot's engaging, if somewhat tenuous at times.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:25PM Title: Chap 11 - Questions-Burrow
Now that's a twist... intriguing.
And you know, the plot in this chapter had me riveted; I can't even remember if there were any SPaG errors. Good stuff!
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:18PM Title: Chap 10 - The Party
Am I seeing things, or did I just see the word "kinda" in the narrative? In dialogue, fine, but in the body text spoken contractions should never appear.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a grammar nazi, but things like that really irritate me.
Still enjoying the story, though, I just wish it was written with a bit more regard for the language... ;-)
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:01PM Title: Chap 8 - Prophecy and Sirius
Ah, goody good, back on form! Fewer linguistic problems, too, though still those exclamation marks and minor irritations like spelling "yeah" without the H, but this is definitely going the right way.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 07:55PM Title: Chap 7 Birthdays
I'm having real trouble figuring out how to phrase this review without sounding mean, because to be quite honest it really plummetted quite severely in quality. Quite apart from the constant exclamation marks and capitals in the narrative, the concept of the Weasleys suddenly turning into the Jackson Five when they've shown no musical inclination at all in the books really blows the story's credibility out of the water.
Taken on its own I like the idea, being a great 60s buff not to mention a jazz drummer who's very keen on jams, but in the context of the story it feels very, very wrong.
Ah well, benefit of the doubt - hopefully it picks back up in ensuing chapters.
Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 07:45PM Title: Chap 6 Muggle London
I've been enjoying the story, but it certainly isn't without its flaws... The style is rather haphazard, and there are a lot of linguistic errors that need tidying up. The posessive "its" spelled with an apostrophe, for instance, and exclamation marks used, both singly and (horror of horrors) multiply, in the narrative. A good beta should pick up on things like that so they don't make it to the publication stage.
More irritating, though, is the way the narrative sounds like it's spoken; and not only spoken, but spoken by a Californian cheerleader. "They went to this fancy hair dresser called a stylist..." gives the impression that it's mere inches away from having a "like" forcibly inserted into the middle, and would be far more elegant if it were simplified to just "They went to a hair stylist".
The shopping... okay, so they go shopping. But is the listing really necessary? It feels out of place and excessive.
Finally, much like the previous reviewer, I found the gel-and-hairspray bit rather silly. Harry's not a fashion diva, and I really can't imagine him transforming overnight into the kind of person who routinely sprays their hair.
That said, I'm definitely enjoying the fic, and look forward to seeing how it continues.