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SIYE Time:9:44 on 18th January 2022


Reviewer: Trey Anonymous Date: 2005.11.08 - 10:46AM Title: Chap 30 - Decisions

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Interesting...I'm very interested to see how this turns out now.

Author's Response: Thank you. I hope you enjoy the story. =)

[Respond: In Review]


Reviewer: danielle Anonymous Date: 2005.11.06 - 01:38AM Title: Chap 46 - Meetings With Dumbledore

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why does harry always put a pillow between himself and ginny? ........... i mean, i know they have to be careful but thats just a bit weird........... is something going on there? keep up the great work

Author's Response: You, Hermione and Ron seem to be having a hard time with the pillow situation. Time will tell. - - - Thank you for reviewing. I always look forward to your reviews. =)

[Respond: In Review]


Reviewer: redcannons Anonymous Date: 2005.11.04 - 04:27AM Title: Chap 1-Alone

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Your sentene structure is kind of predictable: they're alwyas short. Perhaps you should go into detail more, like when Dumbledore came, all you said was that there was an overwhelming smell and that he gagged. Work a little more on it and if you need a beta, let me know.

Author's Response: First time I been accused of being short. I thought my detail was a bit too much. Hahahhahaha. Anyway thank you so much for the review. =)

[Respond: In Review]


Reviewer: Xfactor Anonymous Date: 2005.11.03 - 10:52PM Title: Chap 46 - Meetings With Dumbledore

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Nice! Keep up the gret work.

Author's Response: Thankie. Glad you are enjoying the story. =)

[Respond: In Review]


Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.03 - 12:07PM Title: Chap 46 - Meetings With Dumbledore

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The writing has been steadily improving, and now holds a decent standard. The plot is particularly good, and immensely frustrating, both of which are good things. I look forward to seeing the continuation.

Author's Response: The remainding chapters have been updated also. So hopefully you will see SOME improvements. - - - The plot was planned out since last winter. I have been condensing it in to one story. We will be ending the story not long from now, but I had to leave in some fluff!



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.03 - 12:41AM Title: Chap 39 - The Gift

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Eight.... chapters... to... go.... must... sleep.... It's now 0540. I still need to get some sleep before my 10 AM lecture. This is bad news. And it's all your fault. EVIL fic! :-p

Author's Response: Are you crazy? Go to bed!



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 11:31PM Title: Chap 32 - Castle of Love

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You keep writing "conscience" when you presumably mean "conscious" and "consciousness" - quite a significant difference... Meanwhile, the plot thickens.... evil, surveillance, gunpowder, treason and plot! BWAHAHAHA! Hrm. Okay, maybe not so much gunpowder. But I like explosions.

Author's Response: No matter HOW I spelt the word conscious my spell checker would change it to conscience. I have now added the word to my spell checker so there shouldn't be that problem any more. I KNEW that the spelling was not right! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU !!! - - - yes the plot thickens yet again. As though they didn't have enough problems. ;-P



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 11:03PM Title: Chap 28 - Valentines Ball

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Still a fair few Americanisms creeping in, most notably "diapers"; on this side of the pond we use "nappies". Other than that, the usual still applies. Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention a few chapters ago: Hagrid's appearance was brief, but was well written and definitely in character. Good work.

Author's Response: I tried it with nappies.. Just sounded "wrong" in my American mind. Probably because I read the American Editions... sorry it has to be the American Edition. - - - Love Hagrid, but so far he hasn't played a very big part.



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 10:29PM Title: Chap 24 - Ginny's Nightmare

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It's becoming clearer and clearer that writing interaction and emotion is definitely one of your strengths. Very well done.

Author's Response: Hopefully errors in THIS chapter have been fixed. This is one of my favorite chapters. I love Harry's reaction to Ginny's nightmare. His love for her is deepening, but not because she is weak, but for her strengths.



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 10:20PM Title: Chap 23 - Harry Christmas

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If you want to check the spelling of canon words - Chudley Cannons, Hogsmeade and the like - have a look at www.hp-lexicon.org You also really need to work on your word use. Most of the time it's not a big deal, but sometimes there are glaring - and sometimes hilarious - errors like "an autistic guitar".... The past tense of "shine" is "shone". "Don't be sending" is a very American construction, and certainly out of character for Vernon.

Author's Response: Chudley Cannons are fixed. Looked it up in the book and STILL got it wrong. No excuse! Hogsmeade . . . same thing. Now THAT irriates me too! - - - the autistic guitar was hilarious. A friend told me that since the guitar played itself, it could be autistic, but alas, it was a MUGGLE guitar so it couldn't be austisic, which made it all the more hilarious! How that slipped through is a long story in itself. - - - "Don't be sending" didn't know. I have made a note that this is the American Edition.



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 09:53PM Title: Chap 21- Re-Organized

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Doesn't! "Gran doesn't know about those," not "gran don't know..." If nothing else, you really need to work on your tenses. The narrative is full of switches from the past to present tense, which gets annoying.

Author's Response: Gran don't know. That is Neville's words. - - - narrative? well there you are. I don't have a clue. Hopefully many of the changes I made fixed those. HOPEFULLY. I hate to annoy peoples. =)



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 09:31PM Title: Chap 18 - Harvest Ball

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Ouch! The tenses have got you again! "He had did it on his first try" - no! Bad! "He had done it" is correct. Other than that, and the usual errors, there's nothing major to criticise in this chapter. But oh, the frustration! Harry and Ginny are both so thick, they're missing out on vast tracts of fluff! Hrm, don't mind me. I just get a bit soppy sometimes. Oh, and just a quick note to the previous reviewer... why shouldn't Harry have sex on his mind? He's male, he's a teenager... even in the books there are definite references to him having decidedly mucky dreams and things.

Author's Response: I agree! I found several incorrect uses of several words in the "tense" area. Hopefully most of those were found. - - - Now about Harry and Ginny being thick - - - Neither are THICK. Harry has several things standing in his way and poor Ginny, Well, Harry has her confused. Can't blame her for that. =)



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 09:18PM Title: Chap 17 - Tonks' Visit

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Hmmm.... assuming this was written pre-HBP, congratulations on getting the prediction right Again, believable reactions and emotions, with pretty bad English. Another thing you might want to look out for is when you write what should be one sentence as two: He ran down the hill. Carrying a bucket. ...for instance, should be: He ran down the hill, carrying a bucket. That's an error you make a lot, and your writing really would benefit a lot from that improvement alone.

Author's Response: Hopefully many of these boo boos have been fixed. I'm working on it. Thanks =)



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:55PM Title: Chap 14 - Hogsmeade

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The plot's as good as ever, but you really need a beta. For instance, the past tense of "see" is "saw" - "I never saw Madam Pomfrey". "I never seen" is dialect, and not a dialect Ginny's been shown as having. On the plus side, while the battle is rather simplistically described, the aftermath and accompanying emotions are very well done, and the students' reactions are plausible. Well done.

Author's Response: Yes, I need a beta but alas I have none. Hopefully MOST of the errors you found have been fixed. - - - Glad you are enjoying the story. =)



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:42PM Title: Chap 13- Quidditch & Troubles

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Please.... check your spelling. For homophones and words with more than one spelling, make sure you're using the right one! As ever, the plot's engaging, if somewhat tenuous at times.

Author's Response: As you can see, spelling is not my greatest subject and my spell checker is often, for lack of a better word, stupid. Actually I found errors that my spell checker put in. MY spelling was correct. Some of these errors have now been fixed. Hopefully you can get the jest of my meanings. If only I had a professional editor. As always your comments are more than welcome. Thankie



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:25PM Title: Chap 11 - Questions-Burrow

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Now that's a twist... intriguing. And you know, the plot in this chapter had me riveted; I can't even remember if there were any SPaG errors. Good stuff!

Author's Response: Chap 12 had loads of errors that have been fixed (hopefully). RIVETED? I will take that as a compliment. Glad you like the story. It will get more intense as you go along. =)



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:18PM Title: Chap 10 - The Party

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Am I seeing things, or did I just see the word "kinda" in the narrative? In dialogue, fine, but in the body text spoken contractions should never appear. Sorry, I'm a bit of a grammar nazi, but things like that really irritate me. Still enjoying the story, though, I just wish it was written with a bit more regard for the language... ;-)

Author's Response: Grammer Nazi's are welcome. I never turn down help. As far as the narative, I think you are referring to Harry's or other's thoughts. Yes you will find grammer errors. People that I know, don't think with proper grammer. Hopefully it won't ruin the story for you. I'm working on it. - - - Since you have continued, at least I have sparked your imagination. =)



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 08:01PM Title: Chap 8 - Prophecy and Sirius

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Ah, goody good, back on form! Fewer linguistic problems, too, though still those exclamation marks and minor irritations like spelling "yeah" without the H, but this is definitely going the right way.

Author's Response: The author gets excited. what can I say? - - - Also, from where I come from, Yea is spelt both ways. I perfer yea . . . yeah with an H has a little bit of a different pronunciation. Yeah with an H has a harder sound. But that is preference. Hopefully it won't bother you too much. Thanks, as always for the review =)



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 07:55PM Title: Chap 7 Birthdays

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Um. I'm having real trouble figuring out how to phrase this review without sounding mean, because to be quite honest it really plummetted quite severely in quality. Quite apart from the constant exclamation marks and capitals in the narrative, the concept of the Weasleys suddenly turning into the Jackson Five when they've shown no musical inclination at all in the books really blows the story's credibility out of the water. Taken on its own I like the idea, being a great 60s buff not to mention a jazz drummer who's very keen on jams, but in the context of the story it feels very, very wrong. Ah well, benefit of the doubt - hopefully it picks back up in ensuing chapters.

Author's Response: You are not being mean. I appreciate your comments. Really. Many things have be fixed, but I'm sure many flaws remain. - - - About the band, well that is there for a reason. You will find in coming chapters. Jackson Five is an interesting choice . . . I left that to the reader to decide how the band would actually be portraited, sort of a fill in the blanks kind of thing . . . Jackson Five was not in my mind. But ok. As far as the Weasley's talent . . . well they just never played or sang music around Harry before, so . . . that's why you didn't know about it.



Reviewer: Torak Signed Date: 2005.11.02 - 07:45PM Title: Chap 6 Muggle London

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I've been enjoying the story, but it certainly isn't without its flaws... The style is rather haphazard, and there are a lot of linguistic errors that need tidying up. The posessive "its" spelled with an apostrophe, for instance, and exclamation marks used, both singly and (horror of horrors) multiply, in the narrative. A good beta should pick up on things like that so they don't make it to the publication stage. More irritating, though, is the way the narrative sounds like it's spoken; and not only spoken, but spoken by a Californian cheerleader. "They went to this fancy hair dresser called a stylist..." gives the impression that it's mere inches away from having a "like" forcibly inserted into the middle, and would be far more elegant if it were simplified to just "They went to a hair stylist". The shopping... okay, so they go shopping. But is the listing really necessary? It feels out of place and excessive. Finally, much like the previous reviewer, I found the gel-and-hairspray bit rather silly. Harry's not a fashion diva, and I really can't imagine him transforming overnight into the kind of person who routinely sprays their hair. That said, I'm definitely enjoying the fic, and look forward to seeing how it continues.

Author's Response: Yes, my story definitely has its flaws. This is my first story, so there will be many. I've NEVER written anything before, including a essay. So that should tell you a lot. - - - The story has been fixed in many areas, starting from the beginning. I appreciate all your help. - - - now, concerning Harry's hair, Harry has always been ashamed of his hair. Since is is now a teenager AND he had the opportunity to improve something that has bothered him for many years, I don't see that it would be out of character. You will notice that he doesn't fuss with his hair very much in the rest of the story. - - - What Harry bought on his trip to London, just shows how he would spend Sirius's money. It was a fun trip for him. Harry doesn't get many outings, as you will see. - - - Thank you so much for reviewing. =)




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