Harry Potter and the Really, Really, Really Bad Fan fiction by HarryGinnyDestiny
Summary: What if Ginny drank a potion that gave her magical eyes? What if Voldemort never heard The Prophesy? What if Dumbledore hadn’t really died on the Astronomy Tower? What if Lily married Snape instead of James? What if Neville Longbottom was a squib? What if Harry's parents really did die in that car crash? What if Cedric was really a shiny vampire who sparkled in the sunlight? What if Hermione was in love with Draco, but Draco was in love with Harry? What if Ginny was kidnapped by Killer Nazi Vampire Robots from Outer Space? What if someone wrote a really, really, really bad fan fiction about Harry Potter?
Rating: R
Categories: Night Time Challenge (2010-6), Night Time Challenge (2010-6)
Characters: None
Genres: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Published: 2010.12.26
Updated: 2010.12.26
Index
Chapter 1: Chapter 1 - “My Godfather went to Azkaban, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!”
Chapter 2: Chapter 2 - Ginny Weasley and her Magically Magical Magic Dancing Eyes!
Chapter 1: Chapter 1 - “My Godfather went to Azkaban, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!”
Author's Notes: My plan for this story was to write a fanfic that was compliant with Canon, while being completely and utterly ridiculous and insane, and fitting in all the bad fanfic plot car-crashes I really, really, really hate. I think I may have slipped out of Canon in one or two places (or more), but I blame it on the Boogie.
This story was written for the SIYE “Night Time” Gred and Forge Ridiculos! Challenge.
I would like to expressly thank Spenser Hemmingway for being brave enough to Beta this lunacy for me. Great job, man! And I decided to keep your ‘pink bunny slippers’ in for good measure. Bravo! Your sense of humour knows no bounds. ;-)
Harry Potter and the Really, Really, Really Bad Fan fiction
(AKA: Harry Potter and the Killer Nazi Vampire Robots from Outer Space)
(AKA: Ginny Weasley and her Magically Magic Dancing Eyes)
Prologue — Nineteen Years and two months later...
Albus Severus Potter sat in the classroom, watching in amazement as his Defence against the Dark Arts teacher peered out from behind his desk. It had been like this for most of these lessons. Their teacher would either babble incoherently about spells he seemed to know nothing about, before almost destroying half the classroom, or else ask pupils their names (for the forty-third time), and if they were his children, or else hide behind his desk until the lesson ended. Albus was just about to raise his hand, and ask if they were going to learn anything useful today (apart from how to hide behind a desk so badly that everyone in the room knew where you were) when the door to the classroom burst open, and Minerva McGonagall hurried into the room.
“Professor, come quickly! There’s been another disappearance in the Potions Classroom! That’s the third student this week! This time we found…b… blood! We think it might be [drum roll]…a….a…a murder!”
“Really? A murder, you say? Wow! And…who are you again?”
“Really, Professor! I’m the headmistress here! Minerva McGonagall! How many times do I have to keep telling you that?”
“Headmistress, you say? You mean this is a school? Are you sure? Seems awfully big for a school. And…who am I again?”
Minerva rolled her eyes once more. “Your name is Gilderoy Lockhart. Really… we’ve been over this countless times! St. Mungo’s ASSURED me you were cured!!”
Chapter 1 — “My Godfather went to Azkaban, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!”
Many Years Ago...in a Castle far, far away...
First Year pupil Ginny Weasley crept silently up to the bathroom. Looking around to make sure the coast was clear, she slipped inside quietly. The girls’ bathroom on the second floor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was normally deserted, mainly because of Moaning Myrtle; a ghost who had haunted the place for years. However, this time upon entering, she heard hushed voices coming from the furthest cubicle. Summoning all of her Gryffindor courage, she drew her wand, and walked slowly towards the source of the chatter.
“Faster, Ronald, faster! It’s almost there!”
“If I stir any faster my arms gonna fall off!”
“Ron! Honestly! How hard can it be? Put your balls in now!”
Ginny sniggered! They were voices she recognised very well. Just what were Ron and Hermione doing in there?
“Ugh, it’s revolting! He’s never gonna drink this!”
“Oh grow up, Ronald! Just follow the directions... two dragon’s...uhhh...thingies...a quart of elf snot...three tears from a one-legged unicorn...the anus of a blast-ended screwt...a pig’s bladder (preferably full)...a dog’s tongue...what’s on the next page?”
“Oh bloody hell, ‘Mione! There are six more pages of revolting ingredients! Did you know this?!”
Just then, Ginny kicked the toilet door open with deliberate force to reveal a startled Ron and Hermione. They were sitting with a steaming bubbling cauldron between them, filled with a nasty-smelling green liquid. Actually, to say nasty smelling is somewhat of an understatement. It smelled positively revolting! Like, imagine the worst poo you’ve ever done in your entire life being fed to a dog, and then that dog would go on to poo your poo back out again. Then a monkey would come along, and be sick all over the poo, and then eat it up, and go on to poo it back out for the third time. Then, multiply that smell by ten, and you’re still not even close.
“And just what in Merlin’s brown-stained incontinence pants is going on in here?!” cried Ginny, looking from Ron to Hermione with a mixture of curiosity and triumph.
So this was where they were disappearing to most nights while Harry had been in detentions...
“Sod off, Gin! This is a job for grownups!” yelled Ron, pointing towards the door “And it’s Top Secret! Get out now... before I have to hurt you!”
“What are you making?!” asked Ginny excitedly, completely ignoring her idiot brother.
“Promise to keep a secret??” asked Hermione, grinning.
“Yeah, of course!” replied Ginny, smiling. “I AM a Weasley after all. Secret is my middle name.”
Ron looked confused. “But, I thought your middle name was Molly??”
“It’s a potion for Harry!” continued Hermione. “And it HAS to be a secret!”
Ginny joined the two of them in the cubicle, looking at the open spell book.
“What does it do??” she asked inquisitively, looking from Ron to Hermione.
“It will give him perfect eyesight! You know; remove the need to wear those God-awful glasses!” replied Hermione smiling.
“Oi!” exclaimed Ginny. “I happen to like him in those glasses. I think they make him look...”
“Like a git!” Ron finished her sentence for her. “Seriously, Ginny, he’s meant to be some big celebrity. Harry Potter - The Boy Who Lived; the youngest Quidditch player ever to make the team in the history of Hogwarts... not some specky-eyed dweeb! It’s embarrassing!”
“Ron, honestly!” said Hermione sternly. “That’s not it at all! I was just thinking about it because... well... Ginny, you know how we’ve got this Duelling Club coming up??”
“Yeah, I heard something about it,” replied Ginny
“Well, I got to thinking! What if Harry was chosen to duel...say…Malfoy or someone, and in the middle of the duel one of his shoes fell off, and he bent down to pick it up, and then his glasses fell off, and then someone trod on them...like Neville or something. I mean, he’s as blind as a bat without those things! Malfoy would be firing hex after hex at him, and he wouldn’t be able to see him to block them, let alone return the spells! He’d probably start firing hexes all over the place, and end up hitting a teacher or some students or a house-elf or something! And then, I thought, what if one of his hexes goes in the entirely wrong direction, and ends up setting fire to a tapestry or something, and Hogwarts burns to the ground?! I mean, he might get sent to Azkaban, or worse…expelled!! It doesn’t bear thinking about!”
“Yeah,” said Ginny, looking serious now, “I could totally see that happening! That would be awful!”
“So,” she continued, “I did a little research, and then I found THIS potion. I mean, it’s perfect! Well...I mean, it’s ALMOST perfect...it’s just...”
“Just what?” asked Ginny.
“Well...it...err...does...umm...take... errr.... four years to make.”
“FOUR YEARS!! Did you just say four YEARS?! That’s ridiculous!” gasped Ginny.
“Yeah,” said Ron, “I told her that!”
“Well... I mean, yeah, four years before he can drink it...I mean, technically we should have finished the potion and spells to bind its magic by tonight, but yes, we have to leave it for four years until it’s ready to drink,” grimaced Hermione. “I DID say it was ALMOST perfect...it just takes a bit of time to mature.”
“A BIT of time? Merlin’s bra, Hermione! Now THAT’S an understatement!”
“Out of curiosity,” continued Hermione, “how did you manage to find us? I mean, we’ve been working on this potion for weeks now, and this is the first time we’ve been disturbed here. Well, by an alive-person, anyways.”
Ginny grinned. “Met Myrtle, then, I take it??”
Hermione looked absolutely flabbergasted. “But...how...when...why?”
Ginny continued to grin. “Hermione, I’ve been coming to this bathroom ALL YEAR! I practically live in here! Actually, I was just as surprised to find you two here, as you were to find me!”
“Ah...so you WEREN’T actually searching for us when you stumbled in here, Ginny? This really was a chance encounter??”
“That’s right,” said Ginny, now positively beaming. “I come here all the time with my special friend”
“Your...uh...special friend?” asked a confused Hermione.
“Yeah,” replied Ginny, “my special invisible imaginary friend, Tom, who lives inside my magical diary!”
“Oh...THAT friend!” said Ron, stealing a glance at Hermione before pointing to the side of his head, and waggling his finger around, at it as if to say my sister’s gone nutters!”
“Oh...oh...oh...do you want to meet him?!” asked Ginny excitedly, pulling the diary of Tom Riddle out her pocket.
“Everybody...say hello to Tom!” she exclaimed.
“Hi Tom!” said Hermione, waving at the diary with a big happy smile on her face.
“Umm yeah...hi Tom!” grumbled Ron.
Ginny opened her diary, and peered inside...and then her face fell.
“What is it, Ginny?” asked a concerned Hermione.
“Tom said hi and...uh...he wants me to eat more cheese.”
“Cheese?” Hermione looked confused.
“Yeah, he’s always going on at me about it! ‘Have you eaten your cheese, Ginny? Why not eat some cheese, Ginny? Go on, try some camembert, Ginny. Gorgonzola’s nice at this time of year, Ginny! Put some cheddar in your socks, Ginny!’ Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese; that’s all I get from him these days! Honestly, if I eat any more cheese, I think I’ll turn into a huge block of Edam, with cottage cheese eyes, and cheese strings for my fingers and toes!”
“My sister, the mental case!” laughed Ron.
“That doesn’t sound right, Ginny,” said Hermione, sounding concerned. “Are you sure that diary’s got your best interests at heart? You do know eating too much cheese can be bad for you? Cheese is high in fat for starters, and eating too much cheese can cause constipation!”
“No shit, Sherlock!” smirked Ginny. “And why do you think I’m in this toilet all the time? For the good of my own health? Anyways, on that note, I’m going to have to go visit the little girls’ room! Nature calls, and all that!”
Ginny turned to walk away, but as she did, Hermione called out after her.
“Number one, or number two, Ginny?”
“Well if you MUST know, it’s number two!” replied Ginny, staring at Hermione as if she’d gone crackers!
“Good!” said Hermione. “I was gonna try for one later, but YOU can do the honours!”
With that, she threw a small paper bag to Ginny.
“I only need one...errr...stool sample, if you please, Miss Weasley!”
“What?!” cried Ron. “Have you both gone totally round the twist?!”
Hermione rolled her eyes again.
“Fourth page, third ingredient down, Ronald,” was all she said, smirking at the look of horror on his face.
“Ewww,” said Ron, as he scanned down the page to confirm what he already guessed. “That’s bloody revolting!!”
*****
Four Years Later...
“You still don’t get it, do you, Harry?” said Hermione crossly. “What if, in that graveyard, your glasses had fallen off? How would you have duelled Voldemort then? How would you have seen where the cup was, or found your way to Cedric’s body?”
“She’s got a point there, mate” said Ron. “You should listen to Hermione! Smartest witch of her age, she is!”
“But my glasses DIDN’T fall off!” said Harry angrily. “Besides, couldn’t you come up with a charm that would make my glasses stay on instead? I mean, anything’s got to be better than drinking purified dragon’s balls!”
Hermione rolled her eyes.
“Look Harry, dragons’…um… thingies…are only a tiny part of the potion. Besides, the benefits of the potion far outweigh the taste!”
“I did say we shouldn’t have told him what was in it...or at least waited until after he drank it!” said a frustrated Ron.
They had now been arguing this point for the past three hours, and neither side was making any progress.
“Look Hermione, if you think this potion’s so great, why don’t YOU drink it!”
“Me? Harry, it’s preposterous! Do you know what would happen if a normal person were to drink this potion?”
Harry shook his head in disbelief.
“No, I don’t! What, they’d grow another set of eyes or something?? Hermione, I don’t really care what...uh... Wait… Hang on a minute…did you just call me abnormal?”
“She didn’t mean it like that, mate,” said Ron defensively.
“Okay, then, so what way DID she mean it? She said normal people couldn’t drink it. So obviously I must be abnormal!”
“Look, Hermione didn’t mean it like that. She just meant…well…”
“Well what, Ron? Go on, spit it out!”
“Well, in case you hadn’t noticed this, mate. You’re a bit of a specky!”
“A…a...WHAT?!”
“You know, mate? A specky! A four-eyes! A goggle-eye Magoo! An ugly Betty! wonkey-eyed Wilbur! Mental Milly Miggins the Specky Muggle! I mean, you’re practically blind!”
Hermione rolled her eyes again. “Always the master of diplomacy, aren’t we, Ronald!”
“Well he is, ‘Mione! You even said it! Why do you think Cho always cries every time he’s around? Cuz Cedric got toasted and ghosted, and she got stuck with the specky kid!”
“Oi, mate! That’s a low blow!” Harry looked visibly offended.
“Come on, Harry!” continued Ron. “How many other Wizards do you know who wear glasses? I mean, besides Dumbledore, and everyone knows he just wears them to look like a nutter! Even Moody had a magical eye fitted so he didn’t look like such a git!”
“What’s so bad about wearing glasses!” yelled Harry.
“Harreee...Ron doesn’t mean it like that,” said Hermione, trying to diffuse the situation.
“Could’ve fooled me!” snapped Harry, now staring at his best mate with a look of distaste. “If you really feel like that, Ron, maybe you should just sod off and go find a new mate? One with better eyesight?!”
“Maybe I should!” grumbled Ron.
“Now, now, boys. Ron, Harry can’t help it if he wears glasses. You know he doesn’t like wearing those contacts you bought him, Ronald! Honestly! And Harry, can’t you see I’m just trying to help? Do you know how much effort went into making this potion? How much we all gave up for it? I mean, all those toenail clippings in there were mine, and do you know how much effort it took for Ron to get enough elf snot to complete the recipe? And it’s taken four years to mature! The least you can do is take one tiny little sip?”
“I’m NOT drinking it!” said a defiant Harry, now crossing his arms in protest.
Hermione walked over to Ron, and whispered something in his ear. Suddenly Ron’s face split into a huge grin. They had a plan!
“Okay,” said Ron, winking at Hermione, “I have an idea; a way to settle this. If you can beat Hermione in a duel, then you don’t have to drink it. We’ll say no more about it. How’s about that mate?”
Harry laughed. “Are you serious?”
“What’s so funny, Harry? Don’t think I can beat you?” smiled Hermione.
Harry laughed again. “You ARE serious? Hermione, might I remind you who beats you in EVERY test in EVERY Defence against the Dark Arts class? It must be the ONLY subject you get slaughtered in!”
“So you accept the challenge, do you Harry?” asked Ron, still grinning.
“Sure, this’ll be a piece of cake!” Harry laughed.
“Okay, mate, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!” grinned Ron. “You both ready?”
“Sure,” replied Harry. “I’m going to enjoy humiliating both of you!”
“Yeah, Ron, I’m ready!” Hermione grinned even wider.
“Okay,” said Ron “Then…one…two…three…GO!!!”
Before Harry managed to get a shot off, Hermione yelled “Accio Harry’s glasses!” and his glasses flew right into her hands. Then she jumped over the nearest sofa, and started firing hex after hex after hex at Harry. Harry squinted around, trying to see where she was, but his eyesight was so bad all he could see were blurs moving around. Was that Hermione or Ron?? He didn’t want to hex the wrong person. Great! He couldn’t see a bloody thing! God, he thought, this is embarrassing!
And still Hermione kept firing hex after hex after hex at him! The best he could do was try to dive behind something large to avoid the spells, which were hitting him now at an alarming rate, but he couldn’t even see the room clearly enough to make out something to dive behind. Still Hermione’s spells kept coming!
“Langlock… Furnunculus… Avis Oppugno…. Levicorpus… Obscuro… Petrificus Totalus … Impedimenta… Excelsiosempra…Conjunctiva…Densaugeo… Engorgio… Braccium Immendo!”
****
Harry regained consciousness around three hours later, to discover he was in the Hospital Wing, bandaged from head to toe.
Ron and Hermione had been waiting at his bedside with huge grins on their faces, and now they were all laughing about the bet they had just won.
“I’m sorry, Harry, but I had to teach you a lesson!” grinned Hermione. “You’d never have even thought about drinking this potion if I hadn’t showed you how vulnerable you were without your glasses! Go on, admit that I’m right! I mean... imagine it had been Voldemort you were facing? Do you think he would have just stopped after he removed all the bones from your arms and legs, made your head swell-up to twice its size, and covered you in boils? No, he would not!”
“Yeah…” admitted Harry, lifting up one of his legs which looked like it was made entirely of jelly. “I guess I see what you mean! You’re right, as always, Hermione!”
“Good, I’m glad you see sense now, Harry,” grinned Hermione, holding up a glass of green foul-smelling lumpy liquid, “because THIS potion took us FOUR YEARS to make…not to mention we only have enough for ONE PERSON!”
Just at that moment, Ginny Weasley came skipping into the Hospital Wing.
“Hey Harry…Ron…Hermione; how’s everyone doing?” asked Ginny smiling.
“Great! Just great!” replied Harry sourly.
“Hey, Hermione… what’s in the glass? That smells disgusting!” Ginny held her nose. The whole room smelled of it. Uhh… what was that smell? Ugh…it smelled like feet!
“Purified dragon’s balls!” grumbled Harry, staring disgustedly at the glass he was going to have to drink.
Before he could even think about drinking it, Ginny exclaimed, “Wow! Really? I’ve always wanted to try those!” Then, before anyone could stop her, she grabbed the glass right out of Hermione’s hand, and drank it down in one gulp!
The effects were instantaneous! First Ginny’s eyes bulged in their sockets, and then…they started to grow!
“Oh dear…” said Hermione
They grew slowly at first; they were maybe now only twice their normal size. Like too large white apples coming out of Ginny’s head. Then, suddenly, her eyeballs began swelling at an alarming rate, as Ginny stood there, rooted to the spot. Her whole body as rigid as a post.
“Errrmm…Hermione, is this supposed to happen? Because if it is, I’m glad I never drank it!”
“No, Harry. I told you, only people with really bad eyesight are supposed to drink that potion! The effects on a person with perfect eyesight can be…umm…really unpredictable.”
Now smoke had started billowing out of Ginny’s ears: thick black smoke. It was filling the whole room up like some sort of eerie fog. Now, the entire ceiling of the hospital wing was carpeted in what looked like thick black storm clouds, as more and more thick black smoke poured from Ginny’s ears. Ginny’s eyes were now three times larger than her head. It was a terrifying sight! Then Ginny opened her mouth, and began to speak…if you could call it speaking. It certainly wasn’t any language Harry recognised.
“Zooom… zooom…zooom….zooom….zooom!!” she yelled. “Gurble purble gurble bloikkkk! Zzzooom!!”
Now, her eyeballs started spinning! They turned faster and faster… like two massive spinning beach balls attached to her head. Quicker and quicker they spun, growing larger and larger as they twisted and twirled and whirled in her head, until they looked like a spinning blur of massive revolving eyes.
“Zooom… zooom… zooom…. zooom….zooooom!!” cried Ginny. “Zooom… zooom…zoooom…zoooom….zooooom…zooooom!!”
Then, all at once, the massive eyeballs came to a halt in her head, staring disbelievingly at Harry, Ron and Hermione like two huge white zeppelins with tiny black pupils at the centre of them…and then…they exploded!!!
Harry gasped, wiping the pieces of mucus, snot and eyeball from his face, just in time to see Ginny, still stiff as a board, go crashing to the ground.
“Bloody hell!” exclaimed Ron. “Now THAT was mental!”
****
....COMING SOON — CHAPTER 2 - GINNY WEASLEY AND HER MAGICALLY MAGICAL MAGIC DANCING EYES! — COMING SOON....
Chapter 2: Chapter 2 - Ginny Weasley and her Magically Magical Magic Dancing Eyes!
Author's Notes: My plan for this story was to write a fanfic that was compliant with Canon, while being completely and utterly ridiculous and insane, and fitting in all the bad fanfic plot car-crashes I really, really, really hate. I think I may have slipped out of Canon in one or two places (or more), but I blame it on the Boogie.
This story was written for the SIYE “Night Time” Gred and Forge Ridiculos! Challenge.
I would like to expressly thank Spencer Hemmingway for being brave enough to Beta this lunacy for me. Great job, man! And I decided to keep your ‘pink bunny slippers’ in for good measure. Bravo! Your sense of humour knows no bounds. ;-)
Chapter 2 — Ginny Weasley and her Magically Magical Magic Dancing Eyes!
The next morning Ginny Weasley awakened wearily, lifting her head from her pillow, and looking around trying to get her bearings. This wasn’t her bedroom? Where was she then...
“Morning, sleepyhead!” came a familiar voice from the bed beside her. It was Harry’s voice.
“You gave us all quite a fright last night!”
“What… happened?” asked Ginny in a small voice.
“Well, after you drank that potion, you went a bit...errr...funny. You took quite a nasty turn to be perfectly honest! Then, after your eyeballs exploded all over us, Ron managed to carry you to one of the hospital beds, and, by the time he managed to get Madame Pomfrey up here to look over you, your entire head had went septic! I mean, I’ve heard of a wound going septic before, or an ingrown toenail, but never an entire head! Everyone’s talking about it!”
“Wow!” laughed Ginny, “so I’m quite the celebrity, then?”
“Yea, I guess you are,” grinned Harry.
Just then, Ron and Hermione came walking back into the room.
“Hey guys...guess who’s FINALLY awake!” called Harry.
Ginny turned to look at Ron and Hermione, but, as she did, her jaw suddenly dropped! She looked horrified!
“Eeew!! What are you guys on? Seriously, it’s disgusting! Cover it up now! Have you guys lost your brains or something?!” Ginny covered her eyes in shock.
Ron and Hermione just looked confusedly at each other. Was something wrong with Ginny? Surely something as trivial as her eyeballs exploding in her eye sockets, and her whole head turning septic hadn’t left any lasting damage?
“What’s wrong, Ginny?” asked Hermione.
“Yeah?” asked Ron. “Cover what up? Are you feeling okay?”
Ginny peered through a gap in her fingers, hoping the sight she had just witnessed had somehow magically transformed itself back to normality. However, she quickly covered her eyes again, and tried her hardest not to throw up in her own mouth.
“Cover WHAT up?!” cried Ginny. “What’s wrong with you people?! Uhh...I think I’ve just been mentally scarred for life!!”
Hermione looked concerned. “What’s wrong, Ginny?” she said again.
“What’s wrong?? What’s WRONG?! My brother and my best friend…walking around school…starkers!! That’s what’s wrong!! Will you please put some bloody clothes on!! Uuhh!! I think I’m going to be sick!!”
Ron and Hermione looked at each other, not believing what they’d just heard, and then to Harry. Now they were VERY worried about Ginny…
“But Ginny” said Harry, “they HAVE got clothes on. Anyways, how can you see if they have clothes on or not with your ENTIRE HEAD covered in bandages?”
Ginny felt her own face…her head WAS covered in bandages…yet she could see right through them! She could see a little too much, if she was honest with herself. Something wasn’t right. She turned to Harry to speak to him, and then her jaw dropped again!
“Bloody hell, Harry! Not you as well!” she gasped.
Hermione rolled her eyes “Oohh…” she said.
“Oohh what?” said Harry. “What’s going on, Hermione?”
“Well Harry, I think maybe the potion that YOU were meant to take, had some rather interesting effects on Ginny. If I’m not mistaken, it seems to have given her x-ray vision! I wonder what other new powers her eyes have. I mean, I don’t like to speculate, but maybe they could…”
Hermione was never able to finish that sentence, because while they had been talking, Ginny had been slowly undoing the bandages to her face. Now she sat in her hospital bed, her eyes glowing, glittering and shimmering in her head; staring at Harry with a look of horror on her face…
“Umm…Harry… why are you wearing a bra?”
---- Flashback to Goblet of Fire ---- Flashback to Goblet of Fire ---- Flashback to Goblet of Fire ----
It was the Yule Ball, and Harry was sitting himself on the steps of the castle when he heard someone approaching.
“Hey, Harry,” came a voice he recognised. “What you doing out here all by yourself??”
“Oh, Hi Cho!” he said, turning to look at the girl as she approached him. “Where’s Cedric?”
“He’s…away getting us drinks,” she replied sadly.
“Oh,” was the only word he could muster.
“Look, Harry, about before… I’m…really sorry…you know,” she began.
“It’s fine, really. I’m fine. You really don’t have to worry about me, Cho!”
“But I DO worry,” she said. “I…I just wish you’d have asked me out…before…”
“Before Cedric,” Harry finished.
“Yeah…something like that.” She gave him a weak smile.
“But you’re together now, aren’t you?” asked Harry.
Cho didn’t answer. Her silence said it all.
“I…I…I just wanted to give you something…you know…for luck… in the Tournament,” she said softly.
“You don’t have to give me anything, Cho.”
“But I wanted to…” she continued, and she took a small package from her pocket, and handed it to Harry.
“It’s my bra, Harry. I…I thought you might like to wear it…you know… for good luck,” she said.
Harry unwrapped it slowly.
“I know it’s not much,” she said.
“No, Cho…I think it’s great!” said Harry smiling. “Thanks!”
With that, Cho left the scene, leaving Harry alone to his thoughts and regrets.
---- End of Flashback ---- End of Flashback ---- End of Flashback ---- End of Flashback ----
Ginny was staring at Harry in Horror.
“Uugh! It’s Cho’s bra!” she cried, looking physically repulsed. “I think I’m gonna throw up!”
“Hey! H…how do you know that?!” said Harry looking defensively from Ron to Hermione for backup.
“I…I…I just had a vision. I can’t believe you, Harry!!” cried Ginny; she couldn’t even look him in the eye right now.
“Wow!” said Hermione. “Amazing! So you have second-sight too, Ginny!”
“Yeah… great!” said Ginny sarcastically. “Look, I think it would be better if you all just… leave.”
“But Ginny…you know, we really should talk about this,” said Harry.
“I have nothing to say to you, Harry… just…please leave,” she sobbed out the last word.
Harry, Ron and Hermione left the Hospital Wing (Even though Harry was still technically bandaged from head-to-toe) leaving Ginny to her regrets. Her heart now smashed into a million tiny pieces. Didn’t he know how she felt? Didn’t he know how much it hurt? She had tried to suppress these feelings, these obsessions. They had been much worse since The Chamber. Even now, after years of trying to move on, trying to get over him, trying to tell herself she would never be anything more than Ron’s little sister to him, they still broke her heart apart. She would have given anything to have been the one that had gone to the Yule Ball with Harry…for Harry to be wearing HER bra right now, not Cho’s! She put her head beneath the bed sheets, and cried herself back to sleep.
*****
Weeks had passed since the incident in the Hospital Wing, and still Ginny was refusing to speak to Harry. Both Ron and Hermione had tried to talk her round, but she wasn’t having any of it! Now, Harry sat in the Common Room, talking to Hermione about the situation…
“Harry, you have to see this from Ginny’s point of view. She’s been burning a torch for you for five years; even more so after you saved her down in the Chamber of Secrets. how do you think it feels for her to know you’re walking around the Castle wearing Cho’s bra?”
“Really, Hermione, I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Harry. “If it makes her feel better, how’s about I wear a pair of her socks? I could even stuff them in the bra? Would that make her feel any better?”
Hermione rolled her eyes. “You don’t know girls at all, do you Harry? You do realise that Ginny’s upset because she wants you to wear her bra? Ever think of that?”
Harry sighed. “Hermione, I just don’t see Ginny in that way!”
“Well, Harry, maybe that’s the problem! You just don’t see…period!
“What’s that supposed to mean?” grumbled Harry
“Don’t you get it?” asked Hermione. “Ginny’s the prettiest girl in the school, but you fancy Cho? Why do you think we wanted you to drink that Potion? I mean, your eyesight has to be pretty bad for that to happen!”
“What’s so wrong with Cho?” Harry said defensively.
“Well…” began Hermione, “… she has that glass eye for starters, and those teeth… ugh! Harry, they’re simply awful!! What happened to her? Did she take a Bludger to the face or something?”
“Hermione!” gasped Harry “Cho does NOT have a glass eye! And I happen to think she has a gorgeous smile!”
“You’re kidding, Harry?” said Hermione shaking her head. “She has only three teeth! Seriously, I thought your eyesight was bad, but I didn’t realise it was THAT bad! I mean… you must be practically BLIND to think like that! You do know Cedric only went out with her for a bet, don’t you?”
“What?!”
*****
Three weeks later…
“Look, Harry! My eyes can dance!” cried Ginny.
“Wow! That’s pretty cool, baby! You know, I really don’t know what I saw in Cho! Her eyes couldn’t dance or anything. Although I heard she could take one of them out, which I guess is pretty cool too?!”
“Yeah,” sighed Ginny. “I always wanted a glass eye. I was always so envious of Cho, and you liked her so much. I always thought if I had a glass eye, you’d start fancying me more.”
Harry laughed. “Well, thankfully Hermione fixed my glasses just in time. Who knows what would have happened if my eyesight was still that awful? I might never have noticed you!”
“But she did, and you did notice me!” grinned Ginny.
Harry pulled Ginny into a warm embrace, gently kissing the top of her head. “I’m glad I did, Gin! You’re amazing!”
At that moment Ginny’s eyes started glowing…
“Harry!” she gasped. “I’m… I’m having another vision…uhh…of…of…dry roasted… peanuts.”
“What?!” gasped Harry. “Dry roasted peanuts? What does that mean?”
Ginny shook her head. “I don’t know, Harry. All I could tell from the vision was that you had to buy a really big bag of dry roasted peanuts. No idea why. Is that weird? I guess… it must be important.”
“Yeah I guess,” said Harry nodding. “Look, I trust you, Gin. I’ll go out first thing tomorrow, and buy the biggest bag of dry roasted peanuts I can find, and carry them with me always!”
Ginny smiled. “Thanks Harry. I don’t know why it’s so important, but I guess you’ll know how to use them when the time comes.”
And with that, they kissed.
Chapter 7 - Shortly After the Battle of Hogwarts.
(Author’s Note: Chapters Three to Six have been stolen, and hidden in several dark objects across the Country, in a bid to keep Gimpy, my pet Siberian Hamster, immortal)
Harry, Ron and Hermione walked out the headmaster’s office.
“Where to now, Harry?” asked Ron.
“To be honest, mate, I just want to sleep,” replied Harry
“What?!” said Ron aghast, “Don’t you want to shag my sister?”
“What?!” replied Harry, not believing what his best friend had just said.
“Yeah, Harry, you really need to shag Ginny,” said Hermione grinning. “She’s waiting for you up in Gryffindor tower.”
Harry sighed. “Look, guys, I really don’t know what’s going on here, but all I want is some sleep, and maybe a sandwich from Kreacher”
“Are you MENTAL?!” cried Ron. “It’s shagging, Harry. Everyone does it! You may not have noticed, but while you were running around trying to figure out where the Diadem was, Me and ‘Mione were down in the Chamber, shagging like bunnies!!”
“You were …uh …WHAT?!” gasped Harry, a look of shock mingled with disgust on his face. He really didn’t want to know what his two best friends were up to.
“Look mate,” said Harry, “I don’t know what’s going on here, all right, but I love Ginny, and I don’t want to hurt her. In case you haven’t noticed, we were just in the middle of a battle. We’ve lost Fred, Colin, Lupin and Tonks. The school is in ruins, we’re all in shock, all right. I hardly think this is the right time for…uhhh…I mean I respect your sister too much for anything like that, and besides, I think the first time you do anything like that has to be...special.”
“Harreee…” started Hermione, rolling her eyes at him, “this is Ginny were talking about here, not some delicate little flower! She got to second-base with Michael in her fifth year, and Dean and she were at it last year like a couple of bowtruckles in a doxy’s nest. She probably shagged half the Gryffindor Quidditch team while we were on the run last year. You did know she had that fling with Malfoy? If you keep this up, you’re going to be the only guy at Hogwarts she hasn’t shagged!”
“She’s right, mate,” said Ron. “You know you left her, and she was really cut-up about it. The least you can do is shag her now! What’s your problem? Are you gay or something?”
Harry looked at Ron as though he’d just announced he was marrying Arnold, Ginny’s pet Pygmy Puff.
“No Ron, I am NOT gay! And I can’t believe what you’re saying! Seriously, fling with Malfoy? What? This is your sister you’re talking about here! I don’t know where you get your information from, but Ginny’s not been shagging anyone! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re acting like something out of a really, really bad fan fiction!”
*****
At that very moment there was a thunderous applause. They hadn’t been looking where they’d been walking, but suddenly found themselves back in the Great Hall. In the centre of it stood George, jumping around like a circus clown, throwing fireworks into the air, and grinning broadly. Then the entire Hall started singing…
♫“We did it, we smashed them, wee Potter’s the one, and Voldy’s gone mouldy, so now let’s have fun!”♫
Ron and Hermione joined in, much to the rapturous applause all around.
Harry groaned. He looked like he’d just been hit between the eyes by a blast-ended screwt!
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” cried George, “may I present to you, the Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived, the Saviour of the Wizarding World, Leader of the Golden Trio, the Slayer of Oldy Voldy Mouldy! The one, the only, the truly magnificent… Harry P…P…P…Potter!!”
The crowd went wild! They danced on tables; they danced on chairs. They stamped their feet. They pointed their wands in the air, and sparks shot into the sky.
“George,” gasped an exasperated Harry through gritted teeth, “what are you playing at? Your brother’s just died, and your acting like this is some great big party? I can’t believe you lot! And you know how much I hate these titles. The Saviour of the Wizarding World? Seriously? Why can’t any of you take all this seriously…and just what the hell is ‘The Golden Trio’?”
“Well, Harry, there’s ‘The Golden Trio’, that’s you and Ron and Hermione. Then there’s ‘The Silver Trio’, they were the leaders of Dumbledore’s Army for the last year, that’s Neville and Luna and Ginny. Then we invented ‘The Pink Trio’, that was me, Fred and Lee Jordan. Then the Slytherins started ‘The Green Trio’, that was Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. Then there was the Bronze Trio, The Yellow Trio, The Tin Trio, The Plum Trio, The Brown Trio, The Rubber Trio and the Coconut Trio. Honestly, this War was all about Trios, Harry. Didn’t you get the memo?” George grinned. “But hey, speaking of Ginny, Harry. Shouldn’t you be upstairs right now, shagging my sister?”
“Yeah,” said Ron, rolling his eyes, “That’s what I told him”
“Did someone just mention shagging?” came a misty voice. “Only I was thinking of shagging Neville. I hope you don’t mind, Harry? ” said Luna, sounding vaguely interested in the conversation.
“Be my guest!” said Harry, now getting rather annoyed by all this.
“Are you all right, Harry?” asked Luna, sensing something was bothering him. “Only, by the look on your face, it looks as though you’ve been stung by a Vermiscious Knid. Daddy says they live in Loompa Land. We were planning a trek there sometime to visit the Ooompa…” But Harry cut her off.
“Look,” cried Harry, “I’ve had enough of this! I feel like I’m stuck in a scene written by an eleven-year-old!” and, with that, Harry stormed out of the Great Hall.
Luna turned to Neville, who was busy swinging around the sword of Gryffindor, yelling “Look at me! Look at me! I’m the big snake-killer!”
“Wonder what’s up with him?” said Luna in a curious voice. “All I asked was... Oh bloody hell, Nev! What have you just done?!”
Neville had accidentally chopped off one of his hands with the sword of Gryffindor!
Everyone laughed!
****
Harry made his way to Gryffindor Tower. All he could think about right now was sleep, and perhaps a sandwich–peanut butter and jelly, and some pancakes and maple syrup, and a big triple chocolate milkshake.
“Password?” cried the Fat Lady. Harry just stared, how was he meant to know the password? He hadn’t been here since last year. He was just about to voice his annoyance when the Fat Lady said “Only joking, Harry! Of course you can go in! But, for future reference, the password is ‘shagging’!”
“Oh, bloody hell,” thought Harry, this was getting ridiculous!
He had just trudged up to the bedroom, and thrown open the door, but then he froze. Someone was waiting in his bed…someone wearing a tiny red silk night gown… someone with flowing red hair.
“I’ve been waiting for you, Potter,” came a drawling voice.
“M...Malfoy??” Harry gasped in surprise. “Why are you wearing a wig?!”
“What’s the matter, Potter? Isn’t this what you like? I know you have a thing about red hair.”
“Shut up, Malfoy! What are you doing up here, and where’s Ginny? I was told she’d be up here?”
“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, Potter!” grinned Malfoy
“Listen, Draco, I don’t have time for this. Either you tell me where…uh…”
Suddenly Harry collapsed, clutching his head. It was pain beyond imagining, splitting his head apart. It was a pain he knew, and suddenly it felt as though his scar had burst open, and he was standing in a very different room, a room he recognised very well. It was a room from his summers of joy, of happiness and laughter and Quidditch and de-gnoming the garden. It was the Burrow, and he was standing, staring down at a red haired girl, tied down to a chair, with a large block of Edam on her head. Ginny Weasley struggled, but the cords and ropes and ties that bound her would not break, as she screamed and cried out his name. Then he heard a cold high voice.
“Harry…Potter…I am waiting for you. You will come within one hour. Wandless…defenceless…or the girl dies!” Lord Voldemort let out a cruel high laugh, and the scene dissolved, and suddenly he was back in Gryffindor Tower, and Malfoy was laughing.
“He’s back…” gasped Harry. “Voldemort’s back!”
“Got there in the end, did you, Potter?” sneered Malfoy.
“But… I don’t understand?” gasped Harry, rubbing his forehead.
“What’s not to understand, Potter? Did you really think destroying all the parts of the Dark Lord’s soul would kill him? How pathetic! Now he is worse that ever! He is SOULLESS, and more evil than you can ever imagine!”
“No…” said Harry confused “I don’t understand how Voldemort could still get into my head, when the Horcrux in my scar was destroyed in the forest?”
“You really expect me to explain that gaping plot-hole in this story? No, I don’t think so, Potter!” growled Draco, and with that he swiped his want through the air, and sent a well-aimed Jinx directly at Harry.
But Harry way too quick for him, raising his own wand just in time, and parrying the curse, before firing his own hex back at Malfoy.
“ Petrificus Totalus!!” yelled Harry, and the jet of red light struck Draco hard in the face, and he rolled off the bed, and came crashing to the ground. Cogs, wheels, wires, springs, pistons, and two white ping-pong balls rolled across the floor.
“Ummmmm…” said Harry “did anyone else know Malfoy was a robot?!”
Chapter 9 - Dry Roasted Peanuts of Doom!
Harry entered the Burrow. He knew he was walking to certain death, wandless and defenceless, but what else could he do? Ginny was in danger, and nothing else mattered.
“So you came, Potter,” said Voldemort in his cold high voice, “just as I knew you would!”
“Yeah, I came” said Harry, stepping into the Burrow’s sitting room. “Now, let Ginny go, and face me like a man!”
Voldemort just laughed. “You are in no position to bargain, Potter! As you can see, I have taken another’s wand…the wand of Ginny Weasley here. You, yourself, have no wand to defend yourself with. So what will save you now when I strike?”
Harry grinned. “Just one thing!”
“Oh? And what is that?” sneered Voldemort.
“Have you ever heard of Dumbledore’s Army?” he asked. “We used to practice duelling and disarming each other in our fifth year at Hogwarts!”
“And? So what does that matter?”
“Well…” continued Harry, “I know for a FACT that Ginny was disarmed by Neville during those duels, and I know for a fact that Hermione beat Neville, and that Dean disarmed Hermione, and that Ron beat Dean, and that Luna disarmed Ron, and that I beat Luna. SO…if I beat Luna, who beat Ron, who beat Dean, who beat Hermione, who beat Neville, who beat Ginny, then I am the True Master of Ginny’s Wand!”
“NOOO!!” cried Voldemort, and he raised his Wand to strike… “Avada Kedavra!!” he screamed, aiming his wand at Harry.
Harry was too quick for him though. With the skill and quick reflexes of a Seeker, he dove for a box of Honey-nut Cheerios on the table, and was able to deflect the curse back at Voldemort with it!
Voldemort dove out the way, just in time for Ginny to yell “Your shoe! Harry, use your shoe!”
With that, Harry took off one of his shoes, and hurtled it at Voldemort. The shoe struck him hard on the head!
“Aargh!! You will pay for that, Potter!” Voldemort sneered.
Ginny rolled her eyes. “No, Harry, use your shoe to do magic!”
And suddenly Harry understood!
**** Extract from Deathly Hallows — Chapter 24 — The Wand Maker ****
“The Wand chooses the Wizard,” said Ollivander. “That much has always been clear to those of us who have studied Wand Lore. IF YOU ARE ANY WIZARD AT ALL, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO CHANNEL YOUR MAGIC THROUGH ALMOST ANY INSTRUMENT.”
**** End of Extract **** End of Extract **** End of Extract **** End of Extract ****
Harry’s shoe spun in his hand, as he fired Hex after Hex with it at Voldemort, but Voldemort was a match for him, and was able to block the curses with ease, despite his own wand’s True Allegiance.
Then suddenly Ginny’s eyes began to glow again.
“Your nuts, Harry!” she gasped
“What?”
“Use… your… nuts!!”
Suddenly Harry remembered Ginny’s Vision…the dry roasted peanuts! THIS was the moment! He reached into his pocket, and pulled out the massive bag of nuts!
Voldemort gasped “What!! How did you find out about my peanut allergy?!”
Harry ran at Voldemort, diving left and right to avoid spell after spell that Voldemort threw at him; the bag of peanuts still clutched tightly in his hands. Suddenly he was on him, knocking Voldemort to the floor, and holding him down with all the strength he had left in his body.
“Eat this bitch!” cried Harry, emptying the entire packet of dry roasted peanuts into Voldemort’s mouth!
Voldemort screamed “Aargh!! I’m melting!!”
So he was! First his head melted into his body, then his body melted into his legs, then his legs melted into his feet. Until all that was left of Voldemort was a pair of pink bunny slippers, and a pile of dusty old clothes.
Voldemort was dead…killed by his own peanut allergy. Harry had won!
Epilogue : Two minutes and twelve seconds later…
Ginny Weasley smiled. It was finally over! Voldemort was dead, and, after almost a year on the run, she was finally reunited with the love of her life. She was already nine months pregnant with his secret love child, and they had adopted three small African children and bought a huge house in Los Angeles (complete with three swimming pools and a Jacuzzi), they had used a magical time turner to travel back in time so that they could meet Harry’s parents; had battled the evil Ninja Penguin’s of Death; had travelled forward in time to meet their future children, and fight the Killer Nazi Vampire Robots from Outer Space, and, best of all… Harry was wearing HER bra now…
All was well…