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April Fools!
By Spenser Hemmingway

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Category: Alternate Universe, Post-HBP
Characters:Harry/Ginny, Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Hermione Granger, Other, Ron Weasley, Ron Weasley
Genres: Humor
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: PG
Reviews: 9
Summary: It's the twins' birthday and boy are they in trouble with Harry and Ginny!
Hitcount: Story Total: 5534



Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work.





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April Fools!

By Spenser Hemmingway



“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us
could not succeed.”
–Mark Twain



It was the end of March, and spring was beginning to finally poke its head out. All around the Burrow, suggestions of the first buds could be seen, and robins and other songbirds were heard practicing their melodies. Winter was packing its bags in anticipation of its upcoming visit to the southern half of the world. The snow and mushy puddles were quickly fading. The breeze suggested warmer times and sunny, cloudless days. Spring…the time when a young man’s fancy turns to…revenge.

“I can’t believe they would do that to her!”

“I don’t care if I can’t prove it Harry. I know they did it. I warned them last summer what would happen if they pulled another prank on Ginny. If Charlie was here, they would both already be in St. Mungo’s. Is she okay?” Ron asked.

“She’ll be fine. Not being able to remove it is more of an inconvenience than anything…mostly when she needs to use the loo.” Both boys cringed at what Hermione said, and then, for the briefest moment, they had puzzled looks on their faces about how she actually…

“No…no they have gone too far this time. Ginny was not wearing that rabbit costume when she climbed into bed last night, or the white make-up, ears, and whiskers,” Harry said with almost as much irritation in his voice as Ron had.

“How do you know what my sister wore to bed last night?”

“Oh, don’t be a prude Ron! Harry and I got her to her room when she fell asleep on the sofa. You were already snoring in the old rocking chair yourself by then.”

Except for Harry, and perhaps Charlie, no one was as close to Ginny as Ron. No one would deny it as vehemently as he would either, except when someone tried to hurt her. The fact that their own brothers had pulled another joke, perhaps testing out another product for their store, had made it all the worse. It was beginning to seem as if no one was immune–-not Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, and not even Harry who had provided them with the funds to open their shop in the first place. Two days earlier, Harry had awoken to find his pillow had been transformed into a giant marshmallow. It had actually been comfortable, but a horrible mess regardless.

The twins had supposedly not been to the Burrow for over a week, and they would claim that they could not possibly be responsible this time. Hermione herself had pointed this out, and she had even suggested that one other friend might be responsible. He was, after all, on the short spring holiday from school as well.

“No Hermione, he would no more pull a prank on her than you would give Draco Malfoy a long kiss,” Harry pointed out. “I’m not sure how they did it, but I’m fairly certain that Ron is correct about Fred and George. I also think we need to teach them a lesson. Where is Ginny now?”

“She’s locked in her room. Mum’s going to blow her lid when she finds out. Hermione, Harry’s right…we need to do something, but I can’t very well go and blow up their shop again though if I can’t provide evidence for the whole thing.”

“Again?” Hermione asked.

“Oh that’s right–-you haven’t read that book yet. Harry what do you think?” Ron asked.

“I…I don’t know. How could we possibly match those two?”

“Let’s face it Harry, we aren’t anywhere as evil as they are,” Ron pointed out.

“Fred and George are truly masters,” Hermione added.

“I don’t think hexing them will be enough, although I’m sure that Ginny will want to do it anyway,” Harry said. “We just aren’t mischievous enough to beat them at their own game.”

The three of them stood there deep in thought. There had to be a way to get back at them for Ginny. Wait a minute… All three came up with the solution at the same moment. Harry and Ron turned to Hermione and grinned at her. Her own face just fell, reflecting her distaste for the idea.

“You cannot be serious. Please tell me that there is another way. In his own way, he’s just as bad as they are, and what’s more, he will want to write another story about it.” The two continued to grin at her, and despite her arguments to the contrary, she knew they were right. “Oh, very well. We can see if he has any ideas. Send the blasted owl to Spenser.”


*****



“It sounds as if they are bringing in some help.”

“They certainly are. This could be a unique opportunity for us.”

“New blood for the game!”

“Another worthy adversary perhaps? Still, we will have to be careful. Last night’s work was a huge gamble.”

“It was extremely productive nonetheless. As long as we exercise a bit of caution, I think that we can risk a few more trials.”

“They will have our hides if they catch us.”

“If they catch us. The Binding Bunny Charm should wear off in another hour. We will need to listen in again when it does.”

“These new listening insects are truly brilliant.”

“The Muggles call them bugs I believe.”

“Really? Hmm…far better than those extendable ears. Now what should we do about their wanting retribution?”

“Ah, yes. We shall simply give them as much rope as they will need, and then take note of what they come up with.”


*****



It was almost eleven o’clock, and the computer screen looked exactly the same way it did three hours before…empty. When I started my five-day vacation, I had visions of pumping out at least a hundred pages of some really good work. I hadn’t even come up with a decent working title.

The fact was, I couldn’t write in that Muggle hotel. It was too quiet, and I missed everyone…even Hermione. I wasn’t exactly her favorite person, but we still had some manner of friendship between us. It was hard not to after all the experiences I had with my friends over the past several months.

Hermione’s parents, on the other hand, seemed be exceptionally fond of me for some reason. Mr. Granger had even insisted on loaning me his old laptop while they were in Ireland at a dentists’ convention (conducting a seminar on creative tooth pulling). He had also found me this very nice room. I dearly loved the British Wizarding world, but, unfortunately, The Leaky Cauldron did not have electricity or internet access (two things that I sometimes missed from America). It really didn’t matter though. The writer’s block was three feet thick and granite-solid.

What I really needed was my muse…Luna. I was kicking myself for not accepting her father’s invitation to join them in Wales searching for the elusive saber-toothed dormouse. The photograph of the two of us from the Christmas party I had on the desk didn’t help at all.

Enough already! I needed to take a break and get some fresh air. I wasn’t about to accomplish anything at the rate I was going. I needed to wait until inspiration hit me.

Thump!

Okay, I didn’t mean literally. Still, something had slammed into the window fairly hard, and somehow, I knew exactly what it was. Pulling back the curtains and throwing it open, I saw that I was right. I gently picked up the stunned owl and carried it over to the bed.

“Errol, we’re either going to have to get you better medical coverage, or hmm…I wonder. Anyway, what brings you here?” I asked as I removed the letter from his leg. No, I do not, as a rule, carry on conversations with owls. “Oho, Errol old bean, it appears that I have been invited to the Burrow again. What? No I didn’t want to interrupt the romantic mood, that’s why. Harry gets so little time alone with Ginny these days as it is. It seems that they need my help though. No, I do not have a dead mouse for you. Fred and George? Ah, that explains it.”

I threw my few things into my small duffle, and then scribbled a quick reply note telling them when to look for me at the small commuter train station in the village. I had made the mistake of Apparating with a laptop computer once before. It wiped the drive, costing me a very nice story about Washington beer-making elves.

“Here you go Errol. When you get to the house, and see three back doors, aim for the one in the middle.”


*****



The train was actually a fairly quick trip to the Ottery St. Catchpole. I was there by early afternoon, a full five minutes ahead of schedule. Jokes about Europe’s railway systems were only that. I had become very fond of their trains, and not just the Hogwarts express.

Only three of us disembarked, and the older Muggle couple with me was immediately met by their family. I was alone on the platform then until a strange little man in a green suit and bowler hat stepped from behind the station’s only small building and approached me. The way he smiled, and looked as if he knew who I was, immediately made me wonder if Harry had sent him to meet me there. Considering the state of affairs in England at the moment, I carefully placed my hand on my wand.

“Mr. Hemmingway. This is a great pleasure to finally meet you. I have read some of your stories and they have inspired me,” he said, taking my hand and shaking it. My other hand remained on my wand.

Inspiring generally isn’t the word used to describe my work. By and large, I just get groans, Mister…?”

“Poindexter…Hershel Poindexter at your service young man. You are no doubt here to visit your friends the Weasleys. Wonderful people I understand. Molly Weasley’s pot roast is supposedly legendary, and her pies are to die for.”

“I’m uh…sure they are.” Just then, I saw Harry and Ginny approaching. The gentleman did as well, and his smile faded a little.

“I see that your friends have come for you. You must forgive me. It seems that I am running late. It was, however, very good to make your acquaintance.” With that, he quickly walked off the way he had come, leaving me confused about the whole incident.

“Hello folks! What’s up? Should you be wandering around alone like this?” I asked my friends as they walked over. On cue, the lid of a nearby trash receptacle rose for a moment, revealing someone I suspected of belonging to the Order of the Phoenix. He smiled, removed a banana peel from his head, and then sank back down into his camouflage.

“His name is O’Reilly, and he is very good–-discreet too. Thanks for coming. It’s all pretty silly,” Harry started.

“Silly? Silly is how those two will look when I am through with them. I’ll be down to three and a half brothers when I am done!” Ginny angrily said.

“Three and a half?”

“Percy only gets partial credit still,” Harry added. “It really is getting out of hand Spense. This morning I went to take a shower and there was an inflatable Burundian kowtowing toady in the tub.”

“No?”

“It’s worse…its coffee cup held decaffeinated. Ron and Hermione are back at the house cleaning up what is left of supper after all of the potatoes exploded.”

“Ah, I take it that you want someone as wicked as Fred and George to help you get them back. I’m a writer people, not a prankster. I’m in a rut too without Luna around…what are you smiling about?” The two just kept grinning as we walked and didn’t say anything for a couple minutes.

“You know that she has a crush on you Spenser,” Harry said. Ginny gently swatted him, but then put her arm around him as well.

“You’re dreaming. We’re just friends. She and Neville will settle their argument eventually. She had nothing to do with The Quibbler article about his parents. Seriously though, I’m not sure what I can do to help. Hermione probably told you not to even send for me.” Their change in expression told me I was right. “Well anything that we come up with will be better than nothing,”

“Nothing? Hmm?” Harry quietly said then.

As we walked down the road, the glimmer of an idea seemed to be forming in his head. I saw the wheels turning and gave the two some space. It was a beautiful day, and the changing scenery would normally have gotten at least half a page out of me, but, just then, I was hard-pressed merely to keep up with them as their pace quickened.

“Spenser, you’re inspiring sometimes,” Harry finally said. He did have an idea.

“Well you’re the second person today that told me that. That strange guy at the station seemed to think so as well. I think that he said his name was Poindexter, and that Weasley pies and pot roasts were wonderful.”

“What? I don’t know anyone by that name. How did he know…?”

“We need to get back,” Harry said, and picked up the pace still further.

Thirty minutes brought us to the house, and I immediately saw what they had meant about dinner. What had been a nice roast was now merely hash. Most of the mess seemed to have been cleaned up, but Mrs. Weasley’s expression told me that the damage had been significant. At least the pie on the counter survived.

“Spenser, it is so good to see you again.” The fact that the hug was only half-hearted told me how serious it was. “I am very sorry about supper, but I’m sure that I can throw something nice together. I’m just not sure how it could have happened.”

“You know exactly how it happened Mum,” Ron said with an unforgiving voice. “Fred and George did this!”

“And how exactly did they do that? They have not been here for days, and the clock hands would have shown if they had been coming. No, I must have accidentally added the wrong ingredient somehow. Things like this do happen.”

“Mum!”

“No Ron–-enough! I know that your brothers love their jokes, but there is simply no way they could have done this. Besides, can you imagine the two of them destroying a meal?”

She had a point. Wait a minute. I saw that Harry had been thinking the same thing, and he motioned for everyone to join him outside. Our suspicions might not be anything, but they had popped up regardless.

“I know that look Harry,” Hermione cautious said as we walked through the freshly tilled garden. “What do you have in mind?”

“Hermione my dear friend, isn’t April First the twin’s birthday? I think we need to make a quick trip to Diagon Alley to let Ron remind them about their party.”


*****



An hour’s time found a clearly disconcerted Ron leading his brothers back in through the front door of their store. With the war, Diagon Alley was only a shadow of its former self, but the joke shop seemed to be the exception to the trend.

“It is always so good to see you little brother,” George said.

“We would love to show you our new line of Cursing Cuckoo Clocks,” Fred added.

“Our new Dissolving Sauté Pans are a big seller.”

“The Soot-shooting Handkerchiefs are as well.”

“Knock it off! You know why I’m here,” Ron yelled. “Mum may not think it is you, but I know different. I am going to level this store if there is one more joke pulled at home.”

“You are welcome to try,” Fred told him, still smiling, but only for a second. He knew that Ron was serious, and that Harry would help him. “Honestly Ron, we would never pull jokes like that…”

“…and if we had, you couldn’t prove it,” George said then.

Ron just glared at them, and he was madder still when he pulled his wand and his brothers just stood there smiling back at him. After a full minute, he replaced his wand, and then stormed out of the shop. At the corner, he joined Harry and Ginny. Taking a moment to search for their guards, he thought he saw a head duck back down in a large flower pot, and the eyes move in a stuffed polar bear outside a cigar store.

Harry nodded to him, and then, without a word, he discreetly kissed Ginny and proceeded back toward the twins’ shop. It was time for his performance now. He was not at all surprised when Fred and George met him at the door as he entered. He took a few seconds to scrutinize the room and was pleased that there weren’t many customers at the moment.

“Harry…as always it’s good to see you,” Fred told him, shaking his hand.

“We would like to say that we are both surprised, but after talking to Ron, you were sort of expected,” George said, greeting him as well.

“Fred…George, I know you would never really hurt anyone, especially your own family. The joke with my shaving brush coming to life was actually hilarious. Ron and Ginny are furious though, and I think they plan to get back at you in a couple days at your party. I don’t know yet what they’re planning, and they won’t tell me since they suspect I wanted to warn you. They have brought in some outside help though.”

“Harry…Harry, you are all worked up about nothing. We are more than a match for any jokester,” Fred said.

“Remember…it’s us,” they both said together.

Yes, you are the very best, Harry thought. If we are right, then this will be all the more interesting.


*****



“Spenser what did you do to our owl?” Ron stammered in surprise. “He looks…”

“Very distinguished,” Ginny finished. “I very much doubt that he will be slamming into any more walls now.”

“I suppose not, but I can’t say that I have ever heard of an owl wearing glasses before,” Harry added.

“Bifocals on top of it,” I said. “I sent him off to Hagrid yesterday while you were in London. He was able to fix him up with them in Hogsmeade for us. I’m a little surprised that no one thought of it before.”

After a few minutes, even Ron was shaking his head, enjoying the sight. Harry indicated that we should move into the parlor to discuss our plan. Out of habit, we inspected the room before taking our seats in front of the fire.

“Everything is ready for tomorrow folks, which isn’t hard,” I said. “We just pretend that we have something prepared for the two of them.”

“While we really don’t. Harry, do you think that they believed your warning?”

“I don’t know Gin, but with their egos, perhaps they will expect there to be something. I know they don’t believe that anyone could pull it off. Our wildcard is going to be Spenser here. They don’t know him very well, and I did build him up quite a bit.”

“I’m hurt Harry. With my reputation, I would have thought that they would already be cowering in fear. Oh…right. Anyway, it was your idea after all,” I reminded him.

“Which was simply to do nothing. They will become more and more worried anticipating something, and they will be floored later when they find that there really was no joke.”

“I think that it’s brilliant Harry.”

“Ginny, you’re just saying that because I have become the most powerful force in England, and you are completely smitten with me,” he said, obviously tongue in cheek.

“Oh great Wizard, we are in awe of you. One, two, three…ah!” Hermione said, joining in. I gave her a quick grin as a compliment for her joke and was surprised when she smiled back…for a second.

“Harry, was there anything back from the letter you sent to Moody about the man Spenser talked with at the station?” Ron asked.

Harry was suddenly serious again. “Yes, there was, and it wasn’t what I expected. Could all of you help me with something out in the shed? I promised your dad that I would help him grease the pigs.”


*****



“Well, well, well…it is rather brilliant. They will be the only ones who will know that there won’t be a prank planned. It is so simple.”

“Ah, but we know now, don’t we? I think that we will need to plan something ourselves.

“I have just the thing. Magical candles that will cause the birthday cake to explode. No one will be able to wash it off for days.”

“Pity about the cake though. Do you suppose that it will be chocolate?”


*****



April First saw the last of the snow gone from the Burrow. As if a switch had been thrown, the first buds had indeed opened into full flowers as anticipated. The air smelled wonderful, and so did the breakfast that Mrs. Weasley had prepared. I never left their home without having gained at least five pounds. The family must all have quick metabolisms.

Naturally, Fred and George arrived in time for the meal. I pretended not to see a quick look pass between the two, and then one with Harry. I was fairly sure that the others had seen it as well. Unless I was mistaken, the show was about to start.

After their mother placed a couple hot plates in front of them, Ron passed the twins a pitcher of pumpkin juice, which caused both of them to jump. George loudly insisted that Ron taste it first, and the rest of us had to bite our tongues to keep from smiling.

“This looks wonderful Mum,” Fred said. When she indicated how Ginny had done most of the work that morning, the two switched plates with Ron and me after distracting us with a warning about a troll outside the back door.

After breakfast, Harry suggested a game of Quidditch. When I declined to join them, the two made an outlandish and overly dramatic accusation about my tampering with the brooms. They both spent nearly a half-hour examining their old Comet 300’s, before risking a flight. Hermione and I watched in amusement from the sideline as the two were quickly beaten because of their reluctance to go near the possibly sabotaged Bludger, Quaffle, or Snitch.

So it went all day. Every time someone suggested doing something, the two would become more and more mistrustful and nervous. To any outside observer, the plan was working perfectly. When Percy stopped by for a moment in the early afternoon, the twins were actually civil to him. Not only would they know that he wouldn’t be part of any revenge, he was also the perfect target to take whatever booby-trap spell was intended for them.

Finally, about an hour before supper and the cake, Harry commented to me that the brothers appeared to be tiring quickly. Matters had to be brought to a conclusion soon. I agreed, but quietly reminded him about the visitor we were expecting. Luck and good timing are always important in a well-written story (oh, and mine too), and for us then there was no exception. About twenty minutes later we were greeted by a muffled crack, outside and the appearance of one Hershel Poindexter.

He indicated that we all needed to be quiet, but we should follow him back inside. After silently tipping his hat to a surprised Molly and Arthur Weasley, he proceeded to softly mumble a spell that no one there apparently recognized. At two points in the kitchen, a wooden spoon and an egg timer hourglass glowed red. A tap of his wand dispelled the respective auras, and then he moved into the parlor where he applied his magic to a pillow, a doorstop and a quill. After a quick search of the house, a number of other objects were found and deactivated.

“I believe that it is safe to speak openly now. I do beg your pardon Arthur; I don’t believe that we’ve met before, although I am well-acquainted with Fred and George. Poindexter, from the Magical Joke Licensing Office. Mr. Hemmingway and Mr. Potter–-I am very relieved that you caught my clue at the station the other day. I could not risk telling you more lest you say something in the wrong place. We’ve been intercepting their eavesdropping for quite a while.”

“We were wondering how you could have known about Mrs. Weasley making pot roast that afternoon,” Harry told him. “That, and the fact that the twins' jokes were completely out of character, had us wondering. The two almost always insist on seeing the results of their tricks. They would never destroy good food or pull a prank on their parents or me.” He didn’t reveal what he had invested in Fred’s and George’s business after the Tri-Wizard competition.

“Will someone please tell me what is going on here?” Arthur Weasley demanded.

“It appears that we have some competition,” Fred said.

“Clumsy, but still effective,” George added.

“They placed listening devices in the house and in our store. They wanted to see how their own products worked, and to know when they could sneak into the Burrow to place them here.”

“Harry, Ron, and Ginny cornered us in Diagon Alley and talked us into some playacting with them for whoever it is.”

“Magnus Grommet and Cornelius Paddifinger. We have suspected them for some time now of producing illegal jokes. This reminds me, we still need to inspect those Exploding Dribble Glasses before you place them on the market.”

Fred and George both looked affronted at this reminder.

“At any rate, they most likely chose your family because you would blame the twins here. Perhaps they thought it is was poetic justice as well,” Poindexter concluded.

“Now what do we do?” Harry asked. All of us, seeing Fred and George grin like that, already knew the answer.


*****



“The devices seem to have finally failed. We weren’t sure how long they would last anyway,” Grommet said.

“We have obtained quite a bit of information however. You can’t say that it wasn’t good fun either,” Paddifinger pointed out.

“The best of laughs my friend. Where should we try next–-Parliament or Downing Street?”

“Why not Buckingham Palace? I’m sure her Majesty has a sense of humor. Wait…what was that?”

The partners stopped for a second to try to determine what it was they had heard. It was a distinct tapping sound that seemed to come from everywhere at once. Both drew their wand and approached the door to their workshop. As Grommet held his wand at the ready, Paddifinger slowly opened it. Neither knew what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t an owl wearing glasses, circling the room, and then depositing a roll of parchment before again exiting the way he’d come.

Resealing the only entrance, they cautiously approached the delivery expecting it to either explode or transform into some magical beast. Still on the alert, Grommet carefully prodded it with his wand, pulling off the ribbon with its tip. They were further stunned when the scroll then unrolled of its own volition. Inside were printed two words.

“April fool!” they both read aloud.

The words triggered a spell on the parchment that caused it to flash, expel their wands and encase the two in bands of golden light. At the same time, the walls glowed with a blue-green radiance that they both knew to be a temporary anti-Apparation ward.

The door flew open again despite the magical locks the pair had set in place, and in marched dozens of foot-high wooden soldiers, each armed with a tiny rifle that they had pointed at the two Wizards. As they anticipated, the small army almost immediately opened fire, but instead of bullets they were pelted with tiny globs of smelly purple dye.

Next came several large red-haired, freckled dolls, each wielding a full-size hatchet. To their horror, the toys began to systematically destroy the contents of their shop, ignoring their repeated calls to stop and the ineffective spells shouted at the toys.

“That will be enough ladies,” George called to them then as he entered the room. “Mr. Poindexter will need something to use as evidence when he arrives in the morning.” The dolls immediately ceased their work and exited the way they came, followed at once by the soldiers. Fred stepped in then holding the cake that had been intended for them that afternoon.

“Happy Birthday to us! Happy Birthday to us!” they both sang. Fred then pointed out that the other two hadn’t joined in.

“Terribly impolite dear twin,” George said.

“Absolutely, brother mine,” Fred agreed. “Nowhere as impolite as invading our family home however.”

“Oh, I’m sure that they will never do it again.”

“We know who they are now.”

“As do a number of people without as keen a sense of humor.”

“Among them Mad-Eye Moody, our brother Charlie, and Harry Potter. He really was not amused with what happened to our little sister.” Despite being covered in dye, the bound Wizards seemed to turn a shade paler at this.

“Where are our manners Forge?”

“Of course, Gred…we need to share our birthday cake with them.” With that he lit the candles, and followed his twin out the door, sealing it behind them. It took the cake a full two minutes before it exploded.

“Well, at least it was chocolate,” Grommet meekly lamented.


*****



After dinner and two pieces of moonberry pie (a replacement for the cake), I went looking for Harry and Ginny to say my goodbyes. They still had one more day of the holiday to enjoy, and they didn’t need an extra person around interfering with the mood. I was certain that Hermione wouldn’t mind my going either. I knew that we would be real friends someday, but the timing wasn’t right just yet.

I found the couple exactly where I expected, leaning against their favorite willow tree and… Well I made sure that I made enough noise as I approached them.

“Hey, you two, people are going to start thinking that you like each other.”

“Are you leaving now?” Ginny asked. “You really don’t need to you know.”

“Yeah I do. Besides, I want to have a talk with Neville before everyone gets back–-maybe knock some sense into him about Luna. I want to get started on this story anyway. I was hoping to hear how things went with Fred and George though.” Crack! Crack! “Boy guys, your timing is unbelievable. Were you listening or something?”

“Or something,” they both said. I knew that they hadn’t been really, but they couldn’t resist a joke on the other two just in case there was some doubt.

“Ginny, I think we need to find another tree,” Harry said, but he was in good spirits all the same. “Well, did you kill them?”

“No, of course not.”

“Dying is easy…”

“…comedy is hard!”

Ouch!

“Now young Spenser, if you can possibly endure another piece of Mum’s pie…”

“…we will allow you to take notes for your tale’s grand finale.”

“What did you actually do?” their sister asked them. “What really happened?”

“That’s easy to figure out Ginny,” I said. “Mischief managed!”



A/N: In the credit where credit is due department; the idea for the staged prank on the twins came from an old episode of the series M*A*S*H.

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