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Stoicism (and the Breakdown of...) | ||||||
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Category: Post-HBP Characters:Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley Genres: Angst, Drama, Fluff, Romance Warnings: Sexual Situations Story is Complete Rating: R Reviews: 61 Summary: COMPLETED. When something hurts too much, when it distracts you from your purpose, it's better to push it away--right? A short story about Harry and Ginny's journey after Dumbledore's funeral. Sometimes, happiness just has to wait. Hitcount: Story Total: 37802; Chapter Total: 6078 |
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Later that night, Harry awoke suddenly when unseen hands slipped his glasses on his face and pressed a hand over his mouth. He grunted but stilled immediately when he realised it was Ginny leaning over him. She held a finger to her lips and backed away, removing her hand. He sat up and watched as she tiptoed over to his trunk and lifted the lid soundlessly, emerging with a silvery bundle Harry recognised as his invisibility cloak. Curious, he threw back the covers and stood up, conscious that any squeak on the floorboards might wake up Ron. He found his shoes and grabbed his wand from the nearby nightstand. He held it up to her questioningly and she nodded, reaching into the strappy tank top she was wearing and partially pulling her own wand out from between her breasts. He grinned at her and she flushed, shoving the wand back into the top, which, now that his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, Harry could see left little to the imagination. His eyes skimmed her form appreciatively, blatantly approving of the baggy pyjama bottoms that hung low on her hips and the form-fitting top that exposed her midriff. She rolled her eyes and moved past him towards the door, opening it silently and motioning for him to follow her. Harry copied her movements exactly, knowing that only Ginny would be able to lead him down the creaky steps without waking anyone. They reached the kitchen without incident and Ginny led him towards the back door. She paused before she reached it and he came up close behind her leaning down as she reached her head up and back to whisper in his ear. “Stay close behind me,” she said softly. He nodded and moved even closer to her as she whirled the invisibility cloak over them. Harry felt the material settle over them, and knowing that no one could see them, let down his rigid defences for one sweet moment to slip his right arm around her waist and pull her flush against his body. She felt soft against him, and the monster in his chest sighed in relief as Ginny pressed her body to his for the first time in what felt like forever. He wrapped his other arm around her and hugged her to him. She felt the same and yet different. Her stomach had new muscles, and as she lifted her arms to wrap around his neck behind her, he noticed they were sculpted in a way they had not been before. His heart panged when he realised she was turning herself into some sort of…weapon. He buried his face in her neck and just…inhaled her. He breathed in the scent of her and allowed the perfume to seep into his lungs hoping it would stay there so he could smell her every time he exhaled. He allowed the warmth of her to settle itself in his bones, and his heart, so that it would keep him company on the cold nights ahead. It might be the last time he would get to touch her. His hands began roaming her curves, trying to memorise the feel of her. They discovered new ridges and dips, and he felt her shudder when he slipped his hands underneath the waistband of her pyjamas to allow both hands to span her tiny hips. Their movements were completely silent. They knew it wouldn’t bode well for either of them if they were discovered, and Harry still didn’t know why Ginny had dragged him out of bed. He doubted it was so they could make out, even though every cell in his body was begging for him to kiss her. He wasn’t sure he could do it and still leave her. Touching her was one thing–allowing himself to taste her again was something entirely different. Ginny’s hands moved through his hair, and she rubbed herself wantonly against him, awakening parts of his body that had been dormant since he’d walked away from her at Dumbledore’s funeral. His hands moved up over her ribs to brush the underside of her breasts. She arched against him and pressed her face into his neck. He noticed distractedly that her face was wet, and his heart stumbled when he realised she was crying silently as she allowed him to touch her. Ginny felt like her body was more alive than it had been in a long time. It was as if every part of her had been sleeping, and only Harry could wake it up. She couldn’t stop the tears from coming as he filled his hands with her breasts. The weeks of silent pain and emptiness disappeared, and she knew instinctively that this one brief moment of weakness would be cherished above all other memories. For both of them. Harry’s breathing increased rapidly, and she knew they should stop soon as they couldn’t remain silent forever. His hands stilled when they both heard a creak on the stairs, and Ginny slowly lifted her head to watch as Crookshanks padded down the stairs and over to the food bowl her mum kept out for him. She breathed a silent sigh of relief and Harry’s hands let go of her breasts to wrap around her waist again. He motioned with a look of regret on his face towards the door and moved with her as she opened it silently and stepped out into the night. They stayed close, moving in unison across the moonlit yard. Harry had no idea where they were going but his body was still tingling from their activities in the kitchen and he moved as if in a daze. He kept a hand on her waist as she led him to the edge of the forest behind the Burrow and down a side path he had never seen before. They walked for what seemed like a long time until they came to a small clearing surrounded on all sides by brush and tangled vines. The smell of honeysuckle hung in the air and Ginny slid the invisibility cloak off them. She withdrew her wand from between her breasts and Harry shivered, imagining how warm the wood would be from its resting place. She waved her wand--which Harry noticed now was not actually her wand but Hermione's--around in a series of complicated movements whispering underneath her breath. Harry recognised Silencing charms and Imperturbable charms. He lifted his own wand to add some extra security. Finally done, Ginny slid Hermione's wand back in her cleavage and let her face drop into her hands. Harry stood, uncertain as to what he was supposed to do while she took a few deep shuddering breaths. She finally looked back up at him, her face composed but her eyes haunted. “I’m sorry,” she said simply. “I didn’t expect that to happen.” Harry’s head was shaking back and forth before she finished her sentence. “Don’t apologise,” he said vehemently. “You’ll ruin it.” “I-,” his voice broke. “I miss you so much. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.” “Oh, Harry,” Ginny whispered, “I know, believe me, I know.” The desperation between them hung in the air but neither of them dared to move towards the other. Harry knew that once he started touching her he would not be able to stop and he sensed she understood this. She understood most things about him. “I’m sorry how I things ended between us,” he finally said, struggling to keep his emotions in check. He couldn’t fall apart, not now. Every moment he spent with her was a test of his resolve but he had to say this to her. “You know that under normal circumstances, I would never have-“ “Harry,” she interrupted. “I know. How many times do I have to tell you that?” He smiled at her, relaxing just a little. “I just want to make sure that you know that I still-“ “Stop!” she interrupted again. “Don’t say it like this, not now when we can’t finish it.” They had never said those three words to each other, although they had been understood, and Ginny didn’t think she could handle hearing them now. She couldn’t remain strong if they echoed in her mind every time she closed her eyes. Harry nodded. “But after,” he said hoarsely. “I’m going to say them every day.” She nodded, her lips pressed together so tightly they were white. “I’ll wait for it,” she told him. Harry understood that she really meant she would wait for him and he felt a giant relief sweep over him. “Harry,” Ginny said urgently, “you’ve got to listen to me. You’re doing a really bad job at this.” Harry was confused by the sudden change in the conversation. “A bad job at what?” he asked. “At pretending you don’t have feelings for me,” she said impatiently. “I’ve seen the way you watch me and pretend not to notice me. You’re complete rubbish at it. If you want people to think we’re not together then you’ve got to try harder to be indifferent.” “We’re not together,” Harry said sharply, “nor am I indifferent to you. Excuse me if my mind and body are a bit confused.” Was she really scolding him for not ignoring her enough? “I know,” she said, waving a hand in dismissal. “But Harry, anyone who is watching you can see how you feel. It’s written all over your face. If there were spies at the wedding, they would have noticed you ‘not’ looking at me all evening.” “Well, I couldn’t help it,” he muttered, scuffing his shoe on the ground. “I’ve never seen you look so damn beautiful.” Ginny’s face softened. “Thanks,” she said quietly. “But you’ve got to remember to control yourself and your emotions. I know you need me to be safe, I get it, but Voldemort is constantly searching for your weakness.” She drew herself up. “I don’t want to be that weakness,” she said evenly. “I will not be the reason he gets you.” Harry noticed she had that familiar hard, blazing look on her face. She was serious. “Well I don’t know what else to do,” he exploded in frustration. “I’m doing the best I can!” “It’s not good enough,” she replied sharply. “You’ve got to try harder. How are your Occlumency lessons going?” “Bloody awful,” he told her. “I’m not learning a damn thing. I don’t think it would help anyway.” She shook her head. “It’s not the Occlumency that will help; it’s the process of learning to organise your mind. If your mind is organised, you can shove your feelings for me aside until it’s safe to pull them out.” Harry stared at her. “How do you know this? And why are you so anxious for me to shove aside my feelings for you? Don’t you want them?” he asked heatedly. Ginny stiffened. “I want them with everything that is inside me, and you know it,” she said in a hard voice. “But you were the one who said we had to be apart, and I’m trying to help you. You were the one who said you had to protect me.” “You don’t agree?” he asked sharply. “You wouldn’t have done the exact same thing?” “It’s not a matter of whether or not I agree,” she told him. “It’s a matter of what YOU need to finish this so we can both have what we want. I’m just trying to help you any way I know how.” A realisation was creeping into Harry’s brain, and he grasped onto the tendril of thought before it could escape. “That’s why you’re practicing and training so much,” he gasped. “You’re trying to help me?” Ginny flushed and nodded. “I thought that if I could keep myself safe then you wouldn’t worry so much.” “It’s a good plan,” he said slowly. “But you know I’m not going to let you come with me.” “I’m not asking you to,” she said. “There are other reasons to protect myself, some of which have nothing to do with you. I’ve got my own demons to face.” “Harry-“ she stopped and looked at him. “He’s going to come after me, sooner or later,” she said softly. “I can feel it.” Harry’s heart actually stopped for an instant. “No,” he said shakily. “No, he’s not. He might not even know about you–that we were together.” “Yes, he does,” she said carefully, her eyes fastened on his. “Even if he didn’t care that I was once your girlfriend, Lucius Malfoy would have told him about the diary by now, and he’s not going to let it go without trying to finish what he started.” She knew it was the truth deep inside her. Sometimes she could almost feel Tom Riddle’s eyes on her. Harry needed to understand that his wasn’t the only fight with Voldemort. She walked closer to him and held his gaze. “I’m not going to let him get me but if I fail and if he does, Harry, you have to promise me something.” Harry was held captive by the look in her eyes. A thousand protests sprang into his mind, suggestions raced through his brain–she could go into hiding, she could leave the country–but he could voice none of them because of the look on her face. It was almost peaceful as if she had come to a hard decision and was relieved to have made it. “What?” he managed to ask. “If he gets me,” she repeated. “And you come after me, you have to promise that if you have that one chance to end him, that you’ll do it-“ she paused, “even if it means I won’t make it.” Harry’s mouth was forming the word “no” before she finished her sentence. “Yes!” she said loudly, louder than she intended. “If you have a choice between saving me and killing him, you have to kill him. He has to die, it’s the only way.” “No, no, no, no, no,” Harry said in a low voice, a chorus of “no’s” echoing in his head. “I won’t let that happen, it won’t, you’ll be safe, I’ll promise that.” “You can’t promise that!” she thundered at him, snapping him out of the frantic chanting in his head. “You won’t be here to protect me!” “Then I’ll stay,” he said instantly. “I won’t leave you. Ron and Hermione can go without me.” “Dumbledore left it to you,” she said in a hard voice. “He trusted you. And you’re the only one who can beat Tom. It has to be you.” Harry pinched the bridge of his nose as a sudden ache seared through his head. “This is exactly the sort of situation I was trying to avoid. There is no possible way I can make such a choice. That is why you have to stay safe. You have to hide.” He did not question how she knew Voldemort would be coming after her. He trusted her intuition implicitly. If Ginny said Tom Riddle was going to come after her simply because she escaped him in the Chamber of Secrets then he believed her. “There is nowhere I can hide from him, and you know it. But if he wants me, he’ll have to fight for me.” She stepped even closer to him, still not touching him but he could feel the heat coming off of her. “There will be others who will protect me,” she said softly. “You have to trust my family and you have to trust me.” Harry began pacing back and forth in the clearing, a million scenarios running through his head. He had this sinking feeling that she was right–there was nothing he could do. He had a job to do and as he had tried to explain to Ron and Hermione over and over again–nothing could get in the way of it. Voldemort had to be destroyed. It was that or nothing would be left to defend. And he had another sinking feeling that he was only going to get one shot at him after he destroyed the Horcruxes. He looked at Ginny, standing tall, watching him with wide brown eyes and a determined look on her face. Was it necessary they would have to sacrifice what they had together in order to destroy Voldemort? He was suddenly reminded of his father–who chose to stay behind and face Voldemort alone so that his wife and son might have a chance at life. And of his mother–who had to make the awful choice to leave her husband in order to protect their son. He hadn’t known his mother but he was pretty sure she hadn’t wanted to leave the love of her life alone to face certain death. Ginny watched the acceptance slowly rise in Harry’s eyes. It was the only way–she had accepted it weeks ago. If Harry had to make a choice between her and Voldemort, he would have to go for the kill. It would be an impossible decision to make, and it was important they avoid it if they could–which was exactly why she couldn’t accompany him on his journey and why they couldn’t be together. But if Tom came, and she was almost certain he would seek her out, he would make Harry choose. It was Tom’s way to watch people suffer. He revelled in it. “If I don’t choose to kill him,” Harry said slowly, “if I choose you…they’ll say our love destroyed a nation.” It was a line from a Muggle movie they’d watched two years ago at the Burrow. A part of her was pleased he’d remembered that particular part because it meant he truly understood the situation. The other part of her felt like dying because it was the saddest part of the movie–when the two lovers realised they couldn’t be together because it was too selfish of them. She couldn’t help herself and she smiled at him through her tears. “Yes, Harry,” she whispered. “I think that is exactly what they would say.” “That’s why I need to be more indifferent then,” he said quietly. “That’s why you’re telling me to ignore you even more than I already am. That’s why we have to be apart.” He rubbed his eyes. “I’ve known it; in fact I’ve tried to explain it a million times to Ron and Hermione…but it never really sunk in. I was too numb to face it this much–to discuss it like this.” He looked at her and felt his heart breaking. “I want to be with you so much,” he said fiercely. “I want to touch you so badly but I can’t–because it hurts too much when I would have to stop.” Ginny nodded in agreement, her long hair bouncing in its ponytail. “I feel the same,” she whispered. “But Harry, I believe in you; I believe you can do this. He can keep us apart for now but not forever. He can’t stop me from having these feelings–all he can do is stop us from acting on them.” “Is it going to be worth it?” Harry asked, his voice hoarse. “Yes,” she said. “After you get rid of that tosser, we’re going to have the rest of our lives together. We’ll be as selfish as we want to be.” “Okay,” Harry said, taking a deep breath. His hands itched to reach for her but he fought the impulse and instead moved onto practical matters. “We’re leaving in two days,” he told her. She nodded and wiped her eyes. “I know.” He swallowed. “I won’t be able to contact you at all. It’ll have to be Ron or Hermione. And I need you or your mum to keep Hedwig for me. She’s too conspicuous.” “I have to have a way to get information to you,” she said stoically. “I’ll be at Hogwarts, and there might be things you need to know. Plus my whole family is in the Order.” Harry was relieved she would be going back to Hogwarts, even though it wasn’t the safest place anymore. “Okay,” he agreed. “Work it out with Hermione.” He looked at her, not wanting this to be the last time he saw her, that they spoke this freely. “We should say goodbye now, so we don't have to do it publicly when I leave," he said. He was suddenly exhausted. She nodded again and faced him squarely. “Be careful and be safe. Don’t do anything stupid or rash. Listen to Hermione but not too much–she can’t always make the best decisions because she doesn’t think as quickly on her feet as you or Ron do.” She handed him a small book she’d hidden in the pocket of her pants. “Here,” she said. “It’s about Occlumency. I nicked it from Grimmauld Place. It really helped me.” Tears threatened to spill again. Only in front of him could she let this emotion show, and she’d been hiding it for so long that it was almost a relief to be weak. “I want to tell you not to go anywhere or do anything,” he said, taking the book from her and shoving it the waistband of his pants, “but I know you’ll probably hex me for it, so I’m just going to say that you’d better keep yourself as safe as possible.” He stepped closer and leaned down to speak directly into her ear. “And remember how I feel about you. Whatever you hear, whatever happens to me, remember that it’s only been you, my whole life, there’s never been anyone I-” “Mine too,” she whispered into his shoulder. They still weren’t touching and the electricity between them was sparking. “It’s always been you-“ He brushed her cheek with his hand so lightly it almost wasn’t a caress. “Don’t forget how much I adore you,” he said, repressing the urge to crush her in his arms. “Promise to remember how it feels to be together,” she said, turning her face slightly to look him in the eyes. “Promise me that when you’re discouraged, you’ll remember how it feels to be with me and you’ll let it make you feel better.” “I will,” he said, stepping back. It was the hardest step he ever had to take. “I already do.” She watched him with fire in her eyes. “We should go back separately. I don’t think I could take another walk under that cloak together.” He shook his head. “I’ll Apparate us to the back porch.” He slung the invisibility cloak over his shoulder and reached out a hand for her. She took it and laced their fingers together holding onto him so tightly Harry was sure she was leaving fingernails marks. He turned on his heel and with a soft pop, they appeared at the back door to the Burrow. |
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