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SIYE Time:14:54 on 29th March 2024
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The One Where Harry Has to Try All Twelve
By lilyevans_Jan30

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Category: Post-DH/AB
Characters:None
Genres: Comedy, Fluff, Humor, Romance
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Sexual Situations, Sexual Situations
Story is Complete
Rating: R
Reviews: 83
Summary: NOW COMPLETE Ginny's in a snit. Harry's in the doghouse. Can Ron, Hermione, and "Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches" possibly save the day?
Hitcount: Story Total: 30456; Chapter Total: 5703
Awards: View Trophy Room




Author's Notes:
So here we are, finally. I hope you have fun reading! For those of you that are fans of Friends, you will recognize that I liberally borrowed a couple of my favorite scenes that were just too funny (IMO, at least) to leave out. There is also a fairly obvious Seinfeld reference in there too. And yes, before some of you write, I do agree that Hermione, Ron and Harry (and to a lesser extent Ginny) are all acting fairly out of character at times in the sense that they are behaving more like they are single and in their early 20s rather than their teens and in relationships and in school, but hey, it’s a comedy and a spoof and all in good fun. And anyway, I was always rather amazed at how little chaperoning there seemed to be in the books – at least in Gryffindor Tower, and I assume, the other houses. I mean really, a basically co-ed dormitory with no adults around and the girls allowed up into the boys’ rooms? I suspect that quite a bit of hanky panky went on with the older students, and not just in the broom closets. Why couldn’t I have gone to a school like that?

Special thanks to GREYWOLF for his suggestion of another spell regarding knickers.

One chapter left, after all, Harry does have to try Chapter 12!





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Ron and Hermione were decidedly not amused when they discovered that Harry and Ginny had, in no particular order:

1) Actually not been upset with each other over Harry’s attempts to get through Twelve Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches , 2) been faking their argument in a successful attempt to keep Ron and Hermione away from both Harry and Ginny and apart from each other, 3) been enjoying their solitude by snogging each other in every private, and even a couple of not-so-private, corners of the castle, and, most annoyingly, 4) been laughing their arses off about the whole thing for a week.

Harry pointed out, quite reasonably, he thought, that if Ron and Hermione had not been so keen on proving to him that using the book to make up with Ginny was far superior to not using the book to make up with Ginny, then he and Ginny would probably have made up weeks ago, leaving Ron and Hermione to their own, umm, devices .

“And if you make one comment about Chapter Ten and its use of devices, I swear, Ron, I will hex your bits so thoroughly that you will need a devic e j ust to use the loo,” said Ginny with barely a hint of amusement in her voice.

Harry thought hard for a minute, and then commented in a serious voice, “Not to mention that Ron spent so much time talking about how wonderful Chapter Ten is, it’s no wonder we decided to do anything we could to get through the rest of the book as quickly as possible.” Harry looked pointedly at Ginny before continuing. “I mean, to hear Ron talk, you would think that Chapter Ten is larger than life or something.”

Right on cue, Ginny broke in again. “And if you even think, Ron, of telling us that you know something else that is ‘larger than life,’ then I am going to take whatever bits you have left after I finished hexing them the first time, and, and . . . and send them to mum!” she finished triumphantly as Ron flinched.

“All right, all right, I get it. No more bragging about how many times ‘Mione and I have enjoyed Chapter Ten . . .” Ron coughed suddenly, a loud bark that sounded suspiciously like the word “seven”, “and no more bugging you about how long it has taken the two of you to get there too.” Here, Ron couldn’t help but snigger. “I mean, really. If you hadn’t been so intent on pranking us, you might have been at Chapter Ten days ago!

“Hmpf,” said Harry. “It certainly wasn’t all work and no fun. We had that flirting underwear, you know.”

Hermione suddenly broke in. “What do you mean? You actually got that spell to work? I thought you made Ginny’s knickers run away!”

She said this last a little too loudly, and several younger students looked up curiously. Hermione lowered her voice, but was unable to hide the blatant envy mixed with admiration when she said, “that is very, very, advanced magic. You actually figured out how to do the spell?”

“On our first try,” said Ginny, knowing it would incense Hermione to no end.

“But, I spent two hours studying that charms book and I couldn’t figure out how to do it!” cried Hermione, clearly in shock that she had been beaten by a spell that someone else had been able to master with ease.

“I don’t think it matters how long you study, when it comes to that particular charm,” said Harry, smirking. “It’s all in how you wave your wand. And you all know which wand I am talking about.”

Ron, Hermione, and even Ginny gave a collective groan. “Enough talking, more action!” said Ginny. “Did we go through all this to get to Chapter Ten or what?”

“Ahem,” said Hermione haughtily. “Right now Ginny has Herbology, and then we all have DADA. Looks like there will be no Chapter Ten for you and Harry for quite a few hours.”

“Yeah,” said Ron, grabbing the book. “And since it is my book in the first place, I think ‘Mione and I need to make up for lost time. We missed a lot of, umm, study ing , you know.”

“Oh, come on!” Harry protested. “Don’t you have the bloody thing memorized by now? It’s not my fault I left my copy of the book at the Burrow. You have been going on about how great Chapter Ten is for weeks! We are in sight of the finish line and now you are getting greedy?”

“Greedy??? You are talking about ravishing my sister here! You are lucky I haven’t just ripped out the entire Chapter and started carrying it around in a special imperviused notebook the way ‘Mione keeps her interesting quotes from professors organized.”

“You do what?” Ginny was trying hard not to laugh.

“I write down interesting and thought-provoking statements our professors make during class,” said Hermione without a hint of embarrassment. “Some of their off-the-cuff comments and anecdotes are really quite enlightening, if you just pay attention. Why, just last week Professor Binns made a fascinating comparison between. . .”

“Oi Hermione!” broke in Ron. “I love you and all, but there is no way Professor Binns has ever said anything fascinating about anything! I mean, he could probably give a lecture on Chapter Ten itself and put us all to sleep before he even got to the part about. . .” here, Ron suddenly dropped his voice and whispered animatedly into Hermione’s ear. Her blush rivaled any Weasley, but she maintained her composure, and after a second, began whispering back to Ron.

Harry looked at his friends, who seemed well on their way to a good study session, and then at Ginny, and then at the book, which was laying tantalizingly close to her left hand. Slowly, she worked it out from under Ron’s arm, and had it halfway to her bag when Hermione suddenly broke away from Ron’s mouth and yelled “Hey! I saw that! And you need to go to Herbology!”

With his Seeker’s reflexes, Harry grabbed the book and stowed it in his own bag. “I don’t know what is upsetting you more, Hermione, the fact that we got the book or the fact that Ginny is considering skipping class.”

“It is only ten days until exams,” said Hermione primly. “I can’t imagine that Ginny is considering skiving off any of her lessons.”

“Fine. I’m going,” huffed Ginny. “Harry, study the book. I want a full report after DADA. And I mean full .”

As Ginny gathered up her things, Harry went to take the book back out of his bag. Ron looked up in a panic and grabbed his arm.

“Not here, mate! There are children present!! You might corrupt them!”

“Ron, it’s just a book. How exactly am I going to corrupt a bunch of first years reading a book?”

Ginny snorted. “Particularly since most of them have already witnessed Harry’s boxers asking my knickers if they would like to dance the tango. All that rubbing up against each other, you know.”

Ron shuddered. “Way too much information! And aren’t you supposed to be in class?”

“I’m going, I’m going!”

Once Ginny was gone, Harry pulled the book out of his bag and, before Ron could say anything, opened it widely to Chapter Ten.

Halleluiah!! Halleluiah!!”

The book sang out loudly until Harry hastily shut it, trying to look nonchalant as various heads popped up around the common room. Luckily most of the younger students had gone to class. Harry suspected from the knowing looks he was getting from some of the older boys that Chapter Ten was rather more familiar around Hogwarts than he might have previously thought. Deciding to have some fun, he ignored Ron’s moans to give him the book and, as if nothing odd had happened, opened the book again.

Do a little dance, Make a little love, Get down tonight!”

Harry slammed the book shut again.

“I told you! You don’t know what you are getting yourself into, Harry.” Ron was trying to tug the book out of Harry’s hands. In response, he grinned and opened it for a third time.

Sex is natural, Sex is fun, Sex is best when it’s One on One!”

Most of the sixth and seventh years in the room were looking at Harry now; several of the boys were cheering him on.”

“You have to respect the book! I mean it!” yelled Hermione. “Ron, help me shake some sense into your friend!”

In response:

“And you, shook me all night long!”

Even Ron had started to laugh as Harry waggled his eyebrows at the room at large and flicked open the book again with a flourish.

“Like a Virgin . . . Touched for the Very FIRST Time!”

“Ahhhhh!” yelled Harry, pouncing on the book to shut it. Around him, the room dissolved into howls of laughter. Bright red now, Harry shoved the book back into his bag while Ron gasped, “I warned you, mate.”

“Fine, I am going to our room.”

“Not alone you’re not,” said Hermione. “You have definitely proved you are not ready for this. Ron and I need to help.”

“I thought the two of you had some studying to do!”

“Trust me,” said Ron. “We’ll get plenty of studying done this way too.”

“Ugh. I don’t even want to think about what you mean with that comment.”

*********** *********************************

Once the trio was up in the boys’ dorm and the door was locked and silenced, Harry looked pointedly at his friends. “Am I allowed to open it, now?”

“Go ahead,” said Ron. “But stick to the introduction.”

Chapter Ten — Using your Wand. Yes! We Finally Mean That Wand!

Congratulations!!! It looks like you have finally, Finally, FINALLY made it to the good bit of the book. First of all, What took you so long? Are you sure she is worth it? Most blokes get here much faster.

“How does the book expect me to want to read it if it keeps insulting me??” Harry asked, somewhat petulantly.

“Just be glad it’s not making fun of the size of your wand like it does when Ron . . .” began Hermione.

“Hey!” said Ron. “It only did that once, after we had finished collecting cold-water plants in the lake for Herbology. Shrinkage - remember?”

Hermione’s face took on the look they recognized as her having whenever she had something new to learn. She sat up. “Harry, is that true? Does it really shrink in cold water? And how much? Just a little, or does it really disappear all the way up in there?”

Harry thought that this had to be the last conversation he would ever want to have with Hermione. He mumbled “Uhmm, yes, a bit. Can we get back to the chapter now?” and hoped that would be it.

“I told you so,” said Ron. “Go on, Harry.”

Relieved, Harry bent over the page again. To his surprise, there was not much more. He had been expecting cheesy come-ons, annoyingly cliché innuendo, even a bit of encouragement. Instead, what he read was,

So, what are you waiting for? Turn the page!

So he did.

“AHHHH, WHAT IS THAT???!!”

Harry flung the book away in surprise and jumped back about two feet, his heart beating unnaturally fast.

“Harry!” Hermione looked scandalized, and after a minute, Harry realized it had nothing to do with the content of the page he had just seen. She walked over to where the book lay upside down and gently picked it up, smoothing down its crumpled pages and straightening the spine.

“You should never treat a piece of literature with so little respect, Harry.”

“Literature ? Literature? Did you see what was on that page?”

Smirking, Ron took the book from Hermione and opened it back up. “What, this?”

With some trepidation, Harry looked down again at the page. It was filled with a complicated diagram that seemed to be simultaneously vibrating, humming slightly, and occasionally, pulsing. Numbered arrows pointed to what Harry supposed were various significant bits, each one flashing on and off at its own speed as if to try to draw his eye to it first. “What in the name of Salazar Slytherin’s saggy shorts is that?”

“It’s a diagram of the important parts of a witch’s anatomy, of course.” Ron smirked again. “Guess I should be relieved that you haven’t gotten as far with my sister as I thought.”

Harry peered at the picture more closely. “But why is it all green?”

“That is the brilliant part!” Hermione said excitedly. “It teaches you how to be there for her!”

Harry was truly frightened by the look on Hermione’s face. “Uhh, what?”

“See, most blokes just want one thing when they are with a witch, and they want that one thing as quickly as possible and as often as they can. They practically forget that there is a living breathing person attached to the . .. ”

“Okay! I get it!” yelled Harry. “Oi, wasn’t Ginny ever going to get out of Herbology?” He revised his earlier thought — this was definitely the last conversation he would ever want to have with Hermione. “And anyway, I resent that assumption. I will have you know that Ginny and I have a wonderful, nurturing, loving relationship built on mutual trust and respect and, and, umm, equal time for each of us.” He said this last as quickly as possible while backing as far away from Ron as he could. But Hermione was not finished.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s what you all think, at first. We are just usually too nice to tell you otherwise.”

“Hey!” said Ron.

“Sorry, sweetie, but it took even you two or three times to figure out how to keep from ‘dropping the Quaffle’, so to speak, when it was time to make me happy.”

Harry put his fingers in his ears.

“So, anyway,” said Hermione, pulling Harry’s hands away from his head and picking up the thread of her speech. “That is what this page teaches you. How to Be There. For Her.” She paused. “And only her. Without thinking about your own wands and needs.”

“Ha ha,” said Harry weakly. “So, I guess you had better tell me how it works.”

“It is really quite clever. Each of these numbered arrows corresponds to a different pleasure zone on the female anatomy.”

“All of them?”

“Yes, Harry,” said Hermione. “All of them. And stop smirking, Ron, you said the same thing. Just because blokes only have a single ‘happy place’, they seem to think that we witches want to dive right into it, wands ablazing, as soon as they have given us a few perfunctory kisses.”

“Wands ablazing, ‘Mione? Last time I checked, which was not recently enough, thanks to Harry and Ginny, you didn’t have a wand to blaze, at all, thank goodness. ” Ron muttered this last under his breath while looking pointedly at his girlfriend.

“It’s an expression, Ronald.”

“Well, what do you expect, Hermione? That’s the way we are made”.

“You want to blame your raging male libido on biology???”

“What’s biology?” asked Ron. “Oh, never mind. Let me put in simple terms. It’s like this. Remember last fall, when the four of scored those great tickets to see the Weird Sisters?”

Harry was apparently forgotten for the moment, but he didn’t mind. He cwas interested to hear Ron try to get out of this one, as long as the discussion did not deteriorate into a snog-fest.

“Ummhmm. We had really great seats.”

“Right, and the Weird Sisters were supposed to take the stage at 8 pm, but you and Ginny insisted we get there at 7 to hear the opening act, what was it, the Nine Inch Wands?”

“They were good!”

“Yeah, yeah, they were fine. Okay, the Nine Inch Wands are like foreplay. Nice to listen to at the start, but not the reason we bought the tickets in the first place.”

Ron was getting on a roll. “You see, Hermione, the problem with women is that they love that opening act and they love the concert, but after the Weird Sisters have played their final encore, you are all still hanging around and hoping that the Wands come back out for another set.”

“While blokes, on the other hand,” said Harry, deciding that between his two friends, being supportive of Ron was more likely to get him back to the book fastest, “we are busy looking for the exit, getting to a safe apparition point, and pretty much just trying to stay awake.”

Ron gave Harry a high five.

“Well, let me tell both of you something, and you had better listen carefully,” said Hermione ominously. “You figure out how bring back the opening act, or the next time you want to see a concert, you are going to be sitting at home, listening to the wireless, alone, hoping against hope that you can somehow get a Nine Inch Wand - All. By. Yourself.” She smiled sweetly at the boys and picked up the book again. “Now, where were we? Oh yes, being there for her.”

She looked at Harry. “So as I said, Harry, each of these arrows corresponds to a certain erogenous zone on the female.”

“Hermione, do me a favor. Never, ever, use the term ‘erogenous zone’ in front of me again.”

Hermione huffed, “Fine. You know what I mean anyway. Now, the way you get the diagram to stop being green is by, umm, practicing on it.”

“Excuse me?”

“You practice on it. By, umm, stroking the various zones, in a particular order.”

“I think I am really going to regret asking this, but, stroking with what???”

“Well, umm, your hand, or ummm, your wand — your Ollivanders wand,” she said hurriedly as Harry pushed the book away from him with a horrified look on his face.

“And when you get really advanced, you can use your tongue!” Ron interjected.

Harry closed his eyes. “Ron, I have been carrying this book around with me and pouring over the various chapters for the last month. Please, please, please tell me that you have not gotten to the advanced part yet.”

“Unfortunat ely not yet, mate,”said Ron. “But I think I am getting close.”

“Yeah, well, when you actually do make it, please forget to mention it to me. Go on, Hermione. I guess.”

“Well, when you get the order right, then ummm, the diagram starts to change color and the witch you are trying to charm should start enjoying herself, too. It’s a really good practice technique and everyone can remain fully clothed.”

“Thank Merlin for that. And what exactly is the right order?”

“Well, it is different for every witch, and even then, it can change from time to time. For example, look at number two here, that is usually a lovely place to start, and then four is pretty close by so it’s easy to move right there, and then I would probably jump down to six, see? And then back up to two for just a quick visit. Don’t forget to pay some attention to seven — seven is always popular and leads pretty naturally into eight and nine. And then you probably want to go to three, back up to seven a bit, and then three . . . two . . .three . . . down to six . . . seven . . . seven . . . Seven . . . Seven . . . SEVEN . . . Oh Merlin!”

As Harry watched, horrified, the diagram in the book suddenly glowed bright red and sparkly and started shooting multi-colored confetti into the air while party horns blared throughout the room. Hermione looked like she had just run through the Forbidden Forest while being chased by a bunch of Acromantulas.

Harry looked at Ron, who was gazing at his girlfriend with what could only be described as awe.

“Ron?”

“Uh huh??”

“Was it my imagination, or did your girlfriend just get a . . . a book, to . . . to . . . climax?”

“Wasn’t it awesome?

“Ron?”

“Uh huh?”

“You need to Obliviate me. Now.”

*********** *********************************

Half an hour later, Harry was pacing back and forth in the Great Hall, trying to forget what he had just seen. Finally the door opened and a group of Seventh Years came in covered in dirt and branches. Ignoring this, Harry grabbed Ginny and hugged her tightly.

“Harry, I’m filthy! What . . . is something wrong?”

“Yes, something is wrong. Something is really wrong. I need to find a spell that will burn out my eyeballs.”

“What???”

Harry looked at his girlfriend. “You know how we joke about how much Hermione loves books?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, just now, up in my dorm, I just watched her love a book. And I mean LOVE. ” With two fingers, Harry gingerly pulled Twelv e Fail Safe Ways out of his bag. It was smoking slightly and bits of confetti still dropped from its pages.

Ginny looked both fascinated and slightly sick. “And you brought it here?”

“Well, I needed to, for its own protection. I think the only way I can get certain . . . images . . . out of my head is if you and I go through the chapter together after DADA.”

Ginny looked around. “Where are Ron and Hermione?”

Harry smirked a bit. “Skiving, I suspect.”

“My brother, maybe, but Hermione???”

“Trust me, Ginny. Given what I just saw, I will be surprised if they make it to another class today. Let’s take good notes for them, hmmm?”

*********** ***************************

Hermione and Ron did make it to late afternoon Charms, both looking distinctly disheveled, although Ron at least had an air of satisfaction about him. Hermione was in a panic.

“Oh Merlin, how could we miss DADA??? I have not missed a class since that episode with the time turner third year!! Did you talk about casting three dimensional shields? I am having so much trouble with them and I knew they were on the schedule today!” To Harry’s surprise, she suddenly rounded on him.

“How could you let me miss class? You know we only have ten days until our NEWTs!!”

Harry started, and then sputtered, “Well, umm, it, umm, actually had nothing to do with me. Your missing class, I mean. Yell at Ron. He was the one keeping you, ummm, occupied.”

“Oh, Ron!” Hermione huffed. “He was too busy thinking with ‘little Ronniekins’ instead of his brain. How could I expect anything from him?”

“Didn’t hear you complaining about half an hour ago when I . . . ” said Ron.

“Enough, you two!” said Ginny. “Harry’s brain is about to explode as it is from the show Hermione apparently gave him earlier. We are glad you had fun. We have notes from DADA. Now get into class!”

Merlin, she is sexy when she is being bossy ,” thought Harry. “Especially when it is not directed at me. Tonight is going to be fun . . .”

*********** ******************************

Luckily for Harry and Ginny, Hermione was so upset about missing DADA that she grabbed their notes, and Ron, and dragged both of them to the library for what looked to be an all night study session. That’s study session, not study session . They took the book and barricaded themselves on Harry’s bed with the hangings drawn and a couple of strategically placed silencing charms.

“Since when did the Gobstones club figure out how to get into the Room of Requirement?” Ginny complained.

“Who cares? This will work just fine. Seamus and Dean seem to be deeply involved in a game of Exploding Snap with Lavender and Parvati — they will be busy flirting for hours. And Neville is helping Professor Sprout re-pot Mandrakes or something. He was really excited to get down to the greenhouses after dinner.”

Ginny opened up the book, asking “So, where did you leave off?” She stopped suddenly and frowned at the page. “What is that ?”

“According to Hermione, that diagram represents the important parts of a witch’s anatomy.”

“But why is it green?”

*********** ***********************************

Another confetti shower later, Ginny and Harry were ready to move onto the remainder of the chapter.

“Unless, of course, you want to try the advanced version of that page,” suggested Harry. I never knew it could be so much fun to ‘be there for you.’ Remind me to give your brother a little more credit next time I see him.”

Ginny grinned. “I think we have had enough practice. Let’s move onto something that requires less clothing.”

“As you wish, my lady.” Harry turned the page.

“Hmmm, sex toys. This should be fun. Let’s see. Here’s a charm for expanding and cushioning a broomstick so that two people can . . . no, I think our brooms are locked up for the night, maybe later. Let’s see . . . wow.”

“What?” asked Ginny, scooting over on the bed and looking where Harry was pointing. “Oh my. I didn’t know they made cauldrons that big.” She squinted at the image. “But where exactly do you think his other foot is?”

“Forget cauldrons,” said Harry firmly. “But here is a part about Chocolate Frogs. And Fizzing Whizbees. This looks interesting.”

“Ooooh, and Chocoballs and Sugar Quills — my favorite! We can do this — go through Ron’s trunk, he always has a ton of stuff in there from Honeydukes.”

“Ginny, I can’t just go through your brother’s stuff, no matter how much fun it would be to . . . whoa — look at what they suggest you do with the pepper imps!”

Ginny, who had much fewer morals when it came to stealing candy from her brother (probably in retribution for years of Ron sneaking into her bedroom to nick her own sweets), quickly came up with a pile of Sugar Quills, Pepper Imps, Fizzing Whizbees, three Chocolate Frogs, and what looked suspiciously like a Canary Cream.

“We will save that one for later,” said Harry. “If at all. Hmm, what to do first?.”

Harry began gently kissing Ginny on the lips, and then moved down to her neck (numbers one and two on the diagram, FYI). He was quite enjoying the soft moaning sounds she was making, particularly when one of his hands began snaking up under her shirt and moving closer and closer to zones four and five. Harry had just begun matching her moans and moving his hand, and lips, southward, when he suddenly felt a shock on his hand.

“Oww! What was that?”

“What was what?”

“I went to undo the button of your jeans, and they shocked me!”

“Must have been static. Here, I can do it, see?”

“It didn’t feel like static . .. hey, are those new knickers?”

“Yep. Do you like them?”

“Do I ever. Hmmm, give me a Chocoball, no, actually, a quill.”

Ginny raised her eyebrows at him, but as soon as Harry skimmed the top of Ginny’s knickers with the Sugar Quill he felt an invisible force push him back.

“What the?” he said, and pushed a little harder towards the lacy edge. It was like hitting a brick wall; the force almost knocked him over.

“Ginny, where did you get these knickers?”

“I don’t know, some store in Hogsmeade, why?”

“Because they don’t seem to want me to get near you.”

“That is ridiculous Harry. Try harder.”

“Harry took a deep breath, and with all his weight, lunged at Ginny’s waist. No sooner had his hand touched her hip that a horrible shrieking sound filled the air. After a second, Harry realized it was a voice. A voice yelling “Oh, no you don’t mister!” A voice that sounded uncomfortably like Mrs. Weasley.

Harry jumped off the bed and pulled back the hangings, fully expecting to see Ginny’s mum standing there with the look on her face that she usually reserved for things like flying the family car into a tree. Instead he came face to face with Ron and Hermione, both of whom took one look at him and burst into hysterical laughter.

“What is so funny?? And where is your mum?”

“No . . . not . . . my mum,” Ron gasped between giggles. “Chas. . .chas. . . chastity knickers! Hermione did the spell . . . brilliant!” He snorted and fell onto his bed, tears streaming out of his eyes.

Harry looked plaintively at Hermione. “What exactly did you do and why can I not get anywhere near my girlfriend’s, well, her, you know???”

Hermione giggled. “After I was unable to figure out how you did the flirting knickers spell, I looked through the book again and found, well, a charm that does the opposite. I certainly wasn’t going to try it out on myself, now was I? I cast it around your bed when Ron and I were up here earlier.” She grinned wickedly, at least for Hermione. “Payback, you know???”

Harry groaned. “Okay, okay, I guess we deserved that. Can we call it even? We did give you our DADA notes.”

Hermione lifted the spell and Ron and Hermione retreated back to the library for more studying. That is, studying. Harry and Ginny went on the practice the levitation spells in Chapter Ten. Although they started out simple — levitating a single arm or leg that otherwise was getting in the way or falling asleep, by the end of an hour, Harry was able to levitate Ginny above him entirely, which made for easy access to zones 1-7, inclusive. After ten minutes of that, Harry found that he was able to levitate certain parts of his own body without even using the spell.

Harry left Ginny hanging in mid-air while he turned the page of the book. “Hmmm, role playing. This looks interesting. Let’s see . . . “

“Umm, Harry?”

“Yes, Ginny?”

“If you hadn’t noticed, all the blood is rushing to my, well, just look at it!”

“Oh, don’t worry. I noticed.”

Harry cancelled the levitation spell anyway and turned back to the book. “Where was I? Oh yes, role playing. Here’s one that looks good. I will be a goblin and you are Gringotts. I have to try to get some gold out of your vault. What do you think? It has to be more fun than the last time I broke into the bank.”

“For you, maybe. Give me the book.”

Ginny read down the page silently. After a minute, she rolled her eyes and then grinned at Harry.

“Here is an interesting one to try, and I think you will be especially good at it, no practice required at all.” Looking significantly at Harry, Ginny began to read:

Of course, if you really want to give your lady friend an adventure,there is only one role for you to play. That’s right — be The Boy Who Lived — Harry Potter himself!!

“Tell me it doesn’t really say that,” groaned Harry.

Ginny grinned. “Wait, there’s more.”

For a truly realistic and daring experience, use the glamour charms on page 97 to transform yourself physically as well — a few simple incantations and you too can sport a lightning scar, messy black hair, and those oh, so dreamy emerald eyes that make all the girls go woozy.

“Are you going woozy, Ginny? ‘Cause I am definitely getting woozy.”

“Shhh,” said Ginny. “Let me finish.

And for those of you with a true thirst for adventure, the advanced version combines Harry Potter role play with the dangers of Chapter Eleven — Get Your Witch Out of Peril! It’s all there - conjure a Dementor out of a Boggart, learn where to find trolls, giants and spiders to wrestle, plan a maze to rival the Triwizard Tournament, and Impress Your Witch while saving her from certain doom! Sorry, opening instruction for the actual Chamber of Secrets not available at this time.

Ginny and Harry were both silent for a moment, contemplating what Ginny had just read. Finally, Harry looked at her seriously and took a deep breath.

“Ginny, I need to apologize. Apparently, when I was busy saving you from a giant Basilisk and fragment of a crazed Dark Wizard’s soul, I should have also stopped in the middle to snog you senseless.”

Ginny looked back at him with equal seriousness.

“When I was eleven.”

“Right, and I was twelve.”

More silence.

“I think we can call this one even, don’t you think?”

“Agreed.”

Half an hour later, Harry and Ginny were half asleep when Ginny murmured, “Should we see what’s next or wait until tomorrow?” Harry only grunted in reply, so Ginny lazily flicked the page. Unfortunately, the air was immediately filled with the sound of a baby, wailing.

Harry jumped up. “Merlin, that is almost as bad as the knickers that sounded like your mum!!”

“I will be sure to tell her you said that,” said Ginny, pulling the book to her. “Why is it crying like a baby? Oh.”

“What?” said Harry.

Ginny pointed to the page:

The crying is annoying, isn’t it???? It would be even more annoying if it belonged to a real baby. Do you want a real baby? We didn’t think so. SO DON’T SKIP THIS SECTION!

The book then went into three pages of excruciating detail about the various methods of contraception. Harry and Ginny were already familiar with some of them, thanks to a serious of rather humiliating conversations that Mr.and Mrs. Weasley had had with the two of them and Ron and Hermione when everyone had been home over Christmas.

“Well, that was kind of a buzz kill,” said Ginny, frowning slightly at the book. “I mean, I agree with all of that, but did they have to take three pages? I feel like I just finished revising for an exam, trying to memorize those spells.”

Harry waggled his eyebrows at her. “You’re not really tired, are you? Ron and Hermione are at least six goes through Chapter Ten ahead of us!!”

“Six, really? I didn’t think my brother had it in him.”

“I think I know what he had it in, and it definitely wasn’t him”

“Did you just say what I think you said?”

“Uh huh. Now get over here. It took me almost a month to get to Chapter Ten and I want to take full advantage. Let’s see. I want to try levitating your clothes off of you this time. Do you think that will work?”

“If anyone can pull that off, Harry, it will be you.”

“Well, I know something I can pull off.”

“Oi. Just look at the book.”

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