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Category: Mary Sue Challenge (2009-3) Characters:All Genres: Comedy, Crossover Warnings: None Story is Complete Rating: PG Reviews: 8 Summary: Lupin gets a new job on a wizard tv-show. How does this relate to Voldemort's demise? And who is the mysterious "The Sue"? All will be revealed in this week's episode. Hitcount: Story Total: 3222 Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work. Author's Notes: I do not own Harry Potter or related properties; this story is written purely for amusement, and because I couldn't get the idea out of my head. I hope it fits with the contest requirements - I'm rather new to this. |
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"Harry, when are you going to tell us what happened?" Hermione demanded, hurrying to keep pace with the striding wizard. "Give it up, Hermione, if I can't snog it out of him..." came the - slightly sulky, Harry had to admit - reply from his left. "Urgh! I don't want to know!" declared Ron emphatically from behind the other three. Ginny stuck out her tongue at him in response. "But Harry, you ought to talk about it, otherwise you're just repressing the unpleasant emotions which could cause unnecessary stress and..." "Oh great, not another psychoanalyst. Hermione, I'm fine! Voldemort is gone! Compared to him, I have no stress!" Harry finally spoke. Hermione huffed while the two Weasleys laughed. They continued in silence until Harry suddenly stopped partway down a corridor, thought a moment, then turned on his heel and strode off in the other direction. Moments later, he did the same again, muttering, "No, I remembered them after all...". Ron was perplexed, Ginny was blushing and had a vacant look on her face as she speculated as to exactly what it was Harry might have forgotten, but Hermione was glancing suspiciously at a nearby tapestry. Her suspicions were confirmed when a door appeared in the wall next to them, and they followed Harry into the Room of Requirement, where they found Professor Dumbledore waiting for them. The room was full of a number of low, squishy armchairs facing a large blank wall. Against the opposite wall was a strange device that only half of them recognised as a film projector, ably manned by none other than... "Professor Lupin!" "Just Remus is fine, Hermione. It has been nearly three years since I have been your Professor." "But what is this all about?!" "If you would care to take a seat, Miss Granger, I believe we are all about to find out," came Dumbledore's voice, his eyes twinkling madly as he settled himself into one of the armchairs, "Popcorn?" "You see..." Harry commented, offhand, as they sat and Lupin tapped the projector with his wand making it spring to life, "it all started when Remus told me about his new job..." The view swooped in (by Owl-mounted camera, of course) onto three wizards standing in front of a large blackboard, next to which an animated piece of chalk floated ready, squeaking down anything important that they said (though naturally, arguments tended to erupt over what was important and what wasn't). The tall one on the left began speaking: "This week on Top Broom, I test out the latest Nimbus, the Pygmy Puff...", the short wizard in the centre nodded with a manic grin, "...attempts to break the broom-speed record, and Captain Droll...", Lupin, who was standing on the right with a small smile, "...visits a mad Lord, along with a very special guest on a reasonably-priced broom." The crowd applauded. Soon, the tall wizard was standing in an unusual Quidditch stadium with a series of numbered hoops describing a wildly twisting path through the air. "This," he intoned dramatically, then paused, "is the Nimbus Stratos 2003 XS. A new model three years in the making. It's got a handle designed by Walburt Kettletrap, seven cushioning charms, and 329 hand-positioned twigs." Hermione discreetly reached across and wiped Ron's chin with a napkin. On screen, the wizard glared at the interruption, then continued. "It was designed for one purpose, and one purpose only. Beating the Firebolt. And it just might do that." The wizard proceeded to fly the broom madly around the stadium, swooshing around corners upside-down, kicking up dust as he trailed his toes across the ground at speed, and narrowly missing braining himself on several of the hoops. "The problem is," the wizard went on, "it's so abominably ugly! Nimbus've developed a new, improved matte finish which, they reckon, will reduce the air-resistance around the broom, but it means it looks shabbier than Lupin's old socks. And they've made it black again! What's wrong with them? Brooms are supposed to be brown! All in all, it looks like a particularly hairy troll with a very long nose." "Still, the proof of the pudding is in the flying. And to do that, we need to employ are tame Quidditch player. Some say, that she burst into this world riding a Cleansweep 3. Others say that her eyes are different colours depending on who she's trying to seduce. All we know is, she's called 'The Sue'." An abnormally-proportioned witch appeared, in very form-fitting white Quidditch robes. Her hair was long and glossy, a mixture of dark brown and red with golden copper highlights where the sun hit it. She blew a kiss at the camera. Hermione threw the box of napkins at Ron and began muttering under her breath. The others caught the occasional phrase like "Not another part-veela!" or "...didn't even notice my eye-shadow..." "With that baggage, how's she supposed to corner quickly?" humphed Ginny with a frown. Harry reassuringly reached across and rubbed his hand on her shoulder. She turned to him with a dazzling smile; the room seemed to fade around them as they gazed into each-other's eyes, neither noticing that they were leaning closer and closer... "Not again! You're supposed to be watching me!" The Sue pouted cutely. Harry and Ginny had the grace to look abashed, but kept sneaking glances at each other and giggling. The Sue proceeded to mount the broom, in a manner that would cause Sigmund Freud to have to go and have a quiet lie down, and took off, shooting through the numbered hoops in order, hair streaming behind her like a cape with racing stripes, MAHOOOSIVE... er... tracts of land somehow not getting in her, or the broom's, way as she spiralled, climbed, dove, looped, and pirouetted (though Ginny thought the last manoeuvre wasn't strictly necessary) around the stadium. As she shot through the last hoop, and blew another kiss at the camera, the scene returned to the wizards in front of the blackboard. "So! The Stratos did our circuit in!" began the tall wizard. The other two rolled their eyes. "One minute...". Lupin sighed. "Twenty..." The short wizard was jumping up and down impatiently. "Seven point four! Still a whole two seconds slower than the Firebolt!" "You know, we could try with a different..." began Lupin, but trailed off at the venomous glares the other two were sending at him, "Or at least if she tied her hair back. Dare I suggest a sports br..." "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!" interrupted the short wizard, "Tonight's special guest is none other than... Harry Potter!" The crowd went wild as Harry nervously made his way to the seats beside the blackboard, shaking hands with the other wizards and getting a pat on the shoulder from Lupin. "Harry! You're on the fellyvision!" declared Ron in surprise. Hermione rolled her eyes. "I still don't see what this has to do with you defeating Voldemort!" she announced angrily, but the others waved her to silence as Harry's interview began. "So, Harry!" began the tall wizard, "Defeated Lord Thingummy at age 1, youngest Quidditch cup player in a century, winner of the Triwizard Tournament at 14... what have you done recently?" Harry looked at his shoes and blushed. Lupin grinned knowingly. The other two looked at each other and declared together: "He's pulled a bird!" "Anyway," the short wizard continued, "Harry refused a practice session with The Sue for some reason..." Ginny beamed at Harry. "...so who'd like to see his lap on our reasonably-priced broom?" The crowd roared their approval. Even Harry (both versions) looked up with interest. On screen, Harry looped and twirled through the numbered hoops, drawing gasps of admiration from the onlookers, and a smattering of applause from Professor Dumbledore. "Do you want to know what you did it in?" the tall wizard asked Harry when they returned to their seats. Harry shrugged. "Viktor Krum did it in 2 minutes 11 point 3. Would you like to beat him?" "I 'spose," Harry said noncommittally. "'The Sue' holds the lap record with 2 minutes 7 point 8. Do you think you're near her? Or nearer Cornelius Fudge, who took 8 minutes 47 point 2 after crashing into hoop 33?" the tall wizard continued, hoping for a more enthusiastic response. Harry just stared at him with a look that that plainly said "seriously?", so the tall wizard gave up and opened the roll of parchment in his hand. "You did it. In... hang on, that can't be right!" The short wizard leaned in and read over his shoulder, "1 minute 46 point 9? On a Cleansweep 7?" The crowd went wild as Harry just shrugged again, though there was the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth. Lupin was laughing so hard he fell off his chair. The focus returned to the short wizard, who quickly shook off his confusion; "While we're on the subject, I will now combine the best of both worlds - magical and muggle - in order to break the broom-speed record..." He moved over to an unusual looking broom with and enormous jet-engine strapped on the back, "...on this. It's a combination of the Nimbus 2001 and a muggle engine from a hairyplane." He climbed aboard the broom and led the others outside to the stadium. "If all goes well," the short wizard used a sonorus charm, "in seconds, I will reach the Ministry of Magic. I'm just concerned I may end up in St. Mungo's instead. Here goes nothing!" He tapped the jet-engine with his wand, hunkered low over the broom, and shot out of sight with a sound like a Filibuster firework. Unfortunately he had forgotten to cancel the sonorus charm, because they heard: "All... is... going... well... so... far... Aaahh! Merlin's baggy britches, my broom's on fire!" Soon followed by a loud crash, and then a weak, "I'm okay. Can someone put my hair out?" Lupin turned to the camera, "That didn't go terribly well, but along with this week's guest, it gave me an idea. If you had the fastest broom in the sky, you could do a fly-by prank of Lord --" the word was bleeped out, "...Oh, alright, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. How hard could it be?" Lupin and Harry proceeded to carefully fit considerably smaller jet engines onto the backs of a couple of brooms, filled their pockets with dungbombs, and took off noisily to rapturous applause. They flew through the early evening sky, Harry whooping and doing barrel-rolls around Lupin, clearly enjoying the modified broom's extra acceleration. "All was going very well..." explained Lupin's voice, "...until we approached Little Hangleton, and the Dark Lord's hideout." Harry's broom began to cough and smoke began pouring out the back. He looked panicked as it swiftly dipped, and began heading for an upstairs window. Harry dived off the broom as it shot through the window making alarming clanking noises, and shielded himself just in time as it hit an unusual trophy cabinet at the other side of the room and exploded in a blaze of orange, vermillion, chartreuse, and - for some reason - swirly light. "Nooo! My Horcruxes!" Voldemort had appeared at the door, even as Remus carefully brought his own broom through the window. "This cannot be! I am invincible!" "Pffft." was Harry's only response. "Black again, Mouldy-shorts?" enquired Lupin, "You really should update your wardrobe. You never know, you might surprise people." "Not that nickname again! Can't we think up something better? What about 'Vortemold'. Or 'Brian'. Or even 'Sovran'," Harry complained, joining Lupin in piling the dungbombs onto the remaining broom. Voldemort pulled out his wand in a cold rage, then paused. "Before I extinguish your miserable lives... what are you doing?" Lupin looked surprised. "Didn't they have these in your day? Dear me. Shall we show him, Harry?" Harry nodded enthusiastically, so Lupin popped the last dungbomb on top, like a cherry on a sundae, and released the broom. No-one had counted on the broom's enhanced acceleration. Before it had gotten halfway across the room towards Voldemort, the dungbombs had been thrown backwards into the miniature jet-engine, which began giving off foul-smelling swamp-green smoke. Voldemort's eyes widened, and he frantically cast a succession of curses at the broom, which promptly exploded in his face. Neither Harry nor Lupin saw this, as they had dived straight out of the window, casting cushioning charms at the ground as they went. The explosion seemed to go on for some time, and when it cleared, Harry and Lupin, substantially blackened, picked themselves up to find a large chunk of the house was gone, spread over a large area around them (and the rest smelt simply awful). They gingerly made their way into the wreckage to see what happened to the Dark Lord, then gingerly made their way out again looking somewhat paler, but happy. Voldemort was gone forever! Lupin noticed that (somehow) the camera-owl had managed to stay with them, "And I think that will be all for this week. Goodnight." There was stunned silence for several minutes after the film had finished. Ginny had tears of joy in her eyes. Even Dumbledore's twinkled wetly. Finally, Hermione spoke. "That... that's incredible Harry!" "Yeah! Amazing!" agreed Ron. "I've never seen anything like it!" "They sure don't make them like that at Hogwarts!" "Positively... Ron? What are you talking about?!" "The Sue," Ron sighed dreamily. Hermione huffed. "Do you want to meet her?" Harry asked, with a slight smile. "Do I ever!" Ron leapt out of his seat. Hermione seethed. Dumbledore handed Lupin some more popcorn. "I'll go get her..." Harry left the room. A couple of minutes later, the door opened, and a figure was silhouetted in the doorway. And what a figure! Gravity-defying curves, barely contained in white Quidditch robes! Long, flowing, hair! Bright green eyes! Ron began to drool again. The Sue strolled towards Ron in a manner that set his heart, knees, and certain other parts aflutter. He was shocked, however, when she stopped and intoned in an odd voice, "Harry... I am your father." "Well, sort of," Lupin chuckled, earning a grin from The Sue. Ginny suddenly began laughing uproariously, and Hermione was looking around in confusion, until Harry walked forwards (a little unbalanced) and took off the oddly-coloured wig. "Gotcha!" Ron turned an inventive shade of pale green, and muttered something about it being Blaise Zabini all over again. Hermione was now laughing almost as hard as Ginny. Finally, she was able to speak. "Harry, where did you get that... costume?" "I can't help but feel that I have seen it somewhere before," remarked Dumbledore, with amusement. Harry struggled out of the robes and showed the label to Hermione. "Potter's Manner?" she read, "I don't understand." "One of Sirius's better efforts," remarked Lupin, "He had us dressed in drag singing songs from some Muggle band called 'Abba'. That was James' outfit." "Yep," said Harry, "You could say I've inherited a couple of major global landmarks..." THE END 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. (Voldemort keeps his horcruxes with him at the Riddle house) 24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) (Voldemort after his horcruxes get blown up) 29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. (Lupin suggests to Voldemort) 16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know. (Voldemort is curious about the dungbombs) 72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them." (Harry and Lupin point a modified broom at Voldemort - he tries to curse it rather than ducking) |
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