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SIYE Time:2:39 on 19th March 2024
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Restless Heart Syndrome
By notadryeeye

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Category: Alternate Universe, Post-Hogwarts
Characters:All
Genres: Angst, Drama, Romance
Warnings: Mild Language, Sexual Situations
Rating: R
Reviews: 429
Summary: 17 Years have passed since the fall of Voldemort. Just as the world thinks it has finally started to heal and move on, some things thought long lost begin to awaken.
Hitcount: Story Total: 102977; Chapter Total: 4188





Author's Notes:
So...here we have it. THAT conversation that followers of this story have wanted for awhile. It's going to get heated and things will be said--just bear in mind that this is the first conversation and there will be more to come.





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Ginny moved to the far side of the room as she watched Harry pull open several sets of blinds that opened up to the snow-covered woods beyond the building. The light filtering in through the windows brightened the room up and revealed the space in its entirety.

A large wooden desk was pushed up against the wall under the bay of windows--it’s top covered in papers and what looked like mechanical parts and several cameras. There was also a set of large, brown leather chairs with a table in between in the corner and a few filing cabinets along one wall.

“Have a seat,” Harry said as he gestured towards the chairs--almost as if he were inviting one of his students in for a chat.

Ginny shook her head.

“I’m fine. I’ll stand,” she said defiantly as she stood where she was--arms across her front in her a defensive front.

Harry nodded jerkily and then settled himself against the edge of his desk--his arms crossing as he started to study the floor in an attempt to find his words.

“I thought we were here to talk?” Ginny said into the quiet. “I thought you were leading me off somewhere to explain yourself?”

“Why are you acting like this?” Harry asked. He looked as though he almost didn’t recognize the woman standing in front of him.

“Why?” Ginny said as outrage and anger rose up within her. “Can you honestly not come up with one damn reason why I’d be treating you like this?”

“I know my choices back then were hard on everyone--I changed people’s lives. You don’t think I understand that?” Harry said exasperatedly.

“You don’t understand a damn thing,” Ginny snapped angrily. “And apparently neither do I.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Harry said as he shook his head. “I can explain the finding out about the Horcrux, spells that had to be used--why I thought it would be better this--”

“I know all about the fucking Horcrux and the spells and all of the bullshit reasons you’ve given as to why you couldn’t tell us,” Ginny cut him off. “You were afraid and you didn’t want to be a burden to us--I’ve heard it.”

“But what I don’t understand is how I somehow missed the part when you became a coward.”

“What did you--?” Harry started to asked harshly as his head snapped up to look at her.

“What I want to know is how someone who’s greatest strength and defense was supposedly love of friends and those surrounding him--decided that he didn’t need anyone but a select few at the very end,” Ginny continued, not caring that she’d hurt or offended him. “That he’d do all of it on his own and keep the rest of us in the dark.”

She’d suffered enough over the last 17 years--he could deal with her anger for the next few minutes.

“I can explain if you’d just let me,” Harry said evenly as he looked to be trying valiantly to not let her previous comments uncap his anger and frustration.

“The people you trusted back then to help already explained for you,” she said dismissively. “Remus told us all quite the story, actually.”

“You have no idea how difficult a decision it was--how much I still second-guess whether or not it was right--” Harry tried to interject--sounding increasingly exasperated with the way things were shaking out.

She apparently was not following the script for the conversation he’d anticipated them having. And Ginny felt some slight form of satisfaction in that.

She was in control now, not him.

“You knew for weeks,” she said simply.

“Ginny--”

“You walked around for weeks--knowing exactly what you were intending on doing and you said nothing to the people you claimed to love,” Ginny continued on, undisturbed. “You didn’t just keep this from me--you kept it from Ron and Hermione--the two people who went to hell and back with you a hundred times over. They--at least--deserved to know what you were planning.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say…I’ve already--”

“I don’t want you to say anything now,” Ginny told him coldly. And it was true. It was her turn to speak--to tell him just how much he’d fucked with her life.

“Because you said nothing when you came to my room that last night,” Ginny continued on as her anger and hurt egged her on.

“You remained quiet as you climbed into my bed and told me over and over again that night now much you loved me while you fu--,” she said as she shook her head.

“Please do not question how much I loved you--how much I still--” Harry started, but Ginny would not let him finish that last thought.

“Don’t you DARE tell me you still love me!” Ginny yelled as she pointed at him warningly. “You don’t even know me.”

Harry shrunk away from her as if he’d been physically wounded.

She also swore, that for a moment, she heard voices and footsteps outside the door. But she was too worked up not to care or worry that her family might be listening in.

“You don’t get to say that to me anymore,” she said a low, dangerous voice.

“Because what you did--what you say you did to protect me--us--” Ginny continued. “That wasn’t love, Harry.”

He didn’t try to correct, or explain or even plead with her this time. So she continued on.

“Either you didn’t trust me enough to help or you didn’t feel the way I thought you did about us,” she added.

“I loved you more than I think you’ll ever realize,” Harry said quietly, careful--this time--to keep the word in the past tense. He raised his eyes to meet hers--looking thoroughly dazed as though she’d actually punched him.

“You meant everything to me--and that’s why it had to be clean,” Harry continued on. “You needed the chance to move on--to be happy. You needed--”

“I thought I needed you,” Ginny cut him off. “But obviously you knew best what it was I wanted and needed at the time.”

As much as she’d felt her life had been out of her hands at the end of the war--that feeling had gotten much worse since they’d discovered Harry was alive. Everything she had thought she knew had been a lie. Things that she had always been so sure of--were now shrouded in doubt.

She’d had no choice in how things had turned out in her own life.

And she hated feeling helpless…

“What exactly was I to you anyways?” Ginny whispered. “Was I just the first?”

“What?” Harry asked as his face conveyed equal parts confusion and fear.

“Was I just the first girl that crawled into your bed?” Ginny repeated.

“You can’t actually be serious right now...” Harry whispered as he shook his head and looked at her incredulously.

“What else am I supposed to think?” Ginny replied. “We messed around, had our fun...and then you just left--without even saying goodbye.”

“I--I don’t--I don’t even--know….” Harry struggled as he shook his head and seemingly searched wildly into the tense air around him to find anything to say.

“It does appear that I was the first in what turned out to be quite the long line too,” she sneered, barely holding herself in check.

She wanted to sting--to hurt--and get out all of the pent up frustration she’d been reigning in.

Harry didn’t say anything out loud--but his face conveyed both his shock and his horror. He had paled considerably.

“I’m a reporter, Harry,” Ginny said coolly. “I may focus most of my time on Quidditch--but I still get paid to find things out about people that not everybody can. And I’m quite good at my job.”

Jackson and Anna may not have had a whole lot of luck looking up more than the basic information on him--but Ginny knew where to look, which questions to ask and what unbeaten paths to tread down in order to get that hard-to-come-by information. She’d resisted for awhile after finding out Harry was alive, but her curiosity had bested her.

She’d learned quite a lot more than she had expected.

“Evan Smith has quite the thing for female lead singers--blondes mostly--big tits,” she said in a matter-of-fact way even as she felt herself falling apart inside.

“You don’t know anything…” Harry managed to get out as he struggled to keep himself composed. He was now refusing to meet her eyes.

“I mean...Hermione--in her own very tactful way--pretty much eluded to your illustrious past from the beginning,” Ginny continued on as if she had not heard him.

“And...then there’s the fact that you not only have a son with me,” she forged on as she turned her gaze out the window.

“You also managed to knock up some strung-out heroin addict who ended up having your illegitimate daughter--”

Before Ginny could process, Harry had taken a reactive, lunging step towards her--making one of the half-assembled cameras fly off of the desk and hit the wall across from it with a loud crash as the camera broke apart on impact--littering the floor with metal and glass. She couldn’t see how his movement would have caused the camera to go flying like that. He’d been leaning against the desk, his arms across his chest.

But any confusion was forgotten as she came to focus on the absolute rage marring his features as he glared at her from a few feet away.

“Don’t you EVER talk about my daughter like that!” he yelled at her--his face wild with anger. “You can say whatever you want about me--but the moment you want to talk about my little girl that way--you can go!”

The realization of what she’d said crashed down upon her even as she looked into Harry’s contorted face.

She had been so angry at him for the pain he’d caused her--that she was lashing out at him any way she could. But she had crossed a line--she knew that.

She had met Sophie--who was such a sweet and funny little girl. She was Jackson’s little sister.

She was an innocent little child.

“I’m sorry,” Ginny admitted in quiet horror as she brought a hand to her face and sunk into one of the leather chairs she’d refused earlier. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just--”

She paused as she tried to stop the shaking of her hands.

“I’m just--so angry--at you,” she managed to get out. “Everything I thought I was so sure about in my past--it’s been turned on it’s head. And now I have no clue how to deal with it.”

“I know…”

“Will you quit saying you know and that you understand,” Ginny responded exasperatedly.

“You weren’t there!” Ginny shouted at him. “You don’t know what it was like.”

“I don’t doubt that making the decision you did was the hardest thing you’d ever had to do and that you were hurt and suffered for a long time after,” Ginny continued. “But I was left behind to pick up your pieces and you have no idea what that was like--how hard it was.”

“There aren’t enough words that could convey how sorry I am--and how horrible it is to know that I made you feel this way. That I caused you all of this pain and anger,” Harry said as he swallowed heavily.

He sounded defeated.

“There’s another thing I don’t understand…” Ginny said quietly even as her mind still raced on.

In the midst of all of the anger and pain she felt as she thought about being left behind--there was another side and another question that had been gnawing at her.

“You knew for weeks--maybe a few months…” Ginny continued.

Harry looked up, confusion etched on his face.

“You knew for a long while--even before Ron and Hermione had come to find you here--who you were again,” Ginny said as she watched him.

As quick as his anger had come only moments before--it abated just as fast and she watched him sag back against the desk. He brought a hand to his face and rubbed tiredly at the bridge of his nose.

“If you loved us all so much in the first place--so much so that the only way to keep us happy and unburdened was to keep us in the dark--” Ginny continued on. “Why--when you realized that your memories had returned--did you not come back to us?”

The question hung in the air between them like an invisible wall.

Harry continued to remain silent.

His silence only managed to drum up her anger and frustration once again.

“Well?” Ginny asked him harshly.

“It’s not as easy a decision as you make it sound,” Harry said slowly. “I’m not the only one I have to think about anymore…”

“So we don’t matter as much anymore?” Ginny threw at him. “The people you tried to die for--who you did all of this for--we come second to everything else now?”

“I’m not saying that. I told Ron and Hermione--if it was just me--”

“You could have found some way to call on someone back home without jeopardizing whatever you have here,” Ginny told him--her voice raising again.

“That would have been the first thing I would have thought you’d have done,” Ginny yelled at him.

“I just--” Harry began, looking completely and utterly lost as to what he might be able to say to her to stop another blow-up.

“You just, what?” she asked.

“What would have happened if Jackson hadn’t come looking for you? If Ron and Hermione hadn’t made contact?” Ginny asked harshly. “Would you have just carried on like you have been--leaving us to believe you were dead while you lived out the rest of your life over here?”

Again, Harry did not speak. Instead he continued to look as though every thought that was coming to him was painful and uncomfortable.

And again--his unwillingness to answer her was only serving to infuriate her further.

“That’s it,” Ginny growled at him again as she uncrossed her arms and threw them wide open in frustration. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m done,” she added as she started to move towards the door.

“Gin--wait,” Harry pleaded as he moved too--reaching out to grab at her to stop her from leaving.

Ginny’s eyes were drawn to where his hand had closed around her arm. It was the first time he’d touched her in 17 years.

But just as soon as the shock of his touch had registered with her--so did the fact that he had grabbed her arm to impede her exit.

“Let go of me!”

She shoved at him hard, pushing him off-balance and sending him stumbling backwards in shock into the edge of the desk. Books and equipment went crashing loudly to the ground and papers went flying into the air.

Mere seconds after Harry had tumbled into the desk--the door to the office also swung open and smashed hard against the wall.

Ginny barely registered that several of people were standing in and at the edge of the doorway--many of them wearing worried looks as they peered into the room. Her eyes instead went to where Harry sat on the floor, slumped against the desk. He was holding his lower back where he’d slammed into the desk, as if the blow had caused him considerable pain.

“You should have just come back,” Ginny said bitterly as she shook her head at him, still ignoring the new arrivals at the door.

“I did come back.”

“What?”

The question came from multiple people in the room.

“I went back to England--about a week after everything returned,” Harry admitted, as he grimaced.

“You told Ron and Hermione you’d decided not to. You told them that--” Ginny found herself sputtering.

“I know what I told them,” Harry cut across her as he pulled himself up from the floor and leaned against the desk again. “It was just easier not to admit--to let anybody know…”

“Admit what?” Ginny asked as she tried to wrap her head around what he’d just told her. She cast a glance over to where both Ron and Hermione--along with her father and a few of her brothers had stepped further into the room. They too seemed intrigued.

“That you were right, Ginny,” Harry responded as he shook his head and brought a hand to his face to massage at his temples. “That somewhere along the way--I turned into a fucking coward,” he supplied.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I hopped a flight back home--as soon as I could,” Harry began as he stared into space. “I didn’t have any real plan other than to try and see if I could find someone--reach out. It was a start--but beyond that--I had no clue what I’d do.”

“I quickly realized that all the places I knew I might find someone--I couldn’t contact or even see anymore,” he continued on. “I had a rough idea of where The Burrow was--but since I’d only ever really traveled there by magical means--it’d be like searching for a needle in a haystack…”

“I even tried looking up Hermione’s parents,” he admitted.

“They’re unlisted now that that they are retired from their practice,” Ginny heard Hermione say quietly from the doorway as she listened to her old friend. “None of us are listed.”

Harry nodded.

“My Aunt and Uncle don’t even live at Privet Drive anymore,” Harry added as he furrowed his brow.

“Your Aunt lives further north now--your Uncle passed away a few years ago…” Ron interjected from the doorway.

Again--Harry nodded--only pausing momentarily to mull over and absorb the fact that his uncle had died.

“For some reason--I finally thought to go to the one place I knew exactly where it was and that I might actually have the best chance to run across a witch or wizard going in and out of from Muggle London,” Harry said quietly as he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.

“There’s this little restaurant now--right across the street from where The Leaky Cauldron is supposed to be,” Harry continued. “I parked myself at one of the outdoor tables for a few hours--ordered lunch and a few coffees while I waited…”

“I had really just begun to think about what my next move might be when I saw…”

He again trailed off--Harry's eyes were unfocused and staring off into space as though he were imagining the very scene he’d been describing.

“Saw who?” Hermione asked in a small voice.

Harry’s eyes moved towards the door--resting on Hermione for a second before he spoke.

“You,” Harry breathed out.

But he was not looking at Hermione anymore.

His green eyes had shifted and were focused directly on Ginny.

“I saw you,” Harry reiterated. “You were at the other end of the restaurant’s patio…”

Ginny wracked her brain--trying to figure out when exactly had been the last time she’d been to that area of Muggle London. She knew the restaurant he was talking about. It was a popular bistro almost directly across the way from The Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley.

She’d probably been there a few months ago…

It was where she sometimes brought Alex when she either dropped him off or picked him up from--

“You’d been there a few minutes when I saw you greet a man,” Harry said quietly. “You obviously knew each other really well.”

“He had a boy with him. His hair was more--reddish brown--but once you were all together...it was obvious he was yours,” Harry paused for a moment. “Then I heard him call you mom.”

The exact day all of the sudden came back clearly to Ginny. She’d met both Paul and Alex there for lunch this past summer so she could take Alex home. He’d spent a few weeks with his dad and he was to spend the rest of the summer back with her.

It had been a really good day, actually. The exchange had been friendly and light--with lots of laughter over a delicious lunch. Paul had even accompanied them after to pick out and split the cost of some things Alex needed for when school started in the fall.

“It was my son--Alex,” Ginny said quietly. “My ex-husband was dropping Alex off after having him a few weeks.”

“I know that now,” Harry admitted.

“But when I saw you--” Harry began. “I saw you with your family.”

“You looked happy,” he added simply--yet there was a tinge of sadness in his voice.

Ginny didn’t know what to say. While she was still so angry with him and what had transpired to bring them all to this point--she’d perhaps been wrong about her assumptions and accusations about him not caring enough to come back.

“You could have said something…” Ginny said in a small voice.

Harry shook his head.

“You all have had years for things to fade--feelings to change--” Harry continued on. “But what I felt--what I feel--it’s no different now than it was back then. It’s as though Harry just woke up one morning and suddenly nearly eighteen years had gone by overnight without him knowing.”

It was odd to Ginny to hear Harry referring to himself in the third person--a separate entity within himself. She actually couldn’t imagine what having lived two different lives must feel like…

“I knew the selfish part of me was never going to be able to just come back into your life and not want more than just to be present again,” Harry said in a pained voice that seemed as though the admission was not easy for him to say aloud.

“But I wasn’t going to do anything that was going to monumentally mess up your life as it was. And I certainly wasn’t going to do anything to screw up your family’s either...just so I could--”

Harry’s words cut off--the words suddenly becoming too difficult for him to get out and he shook his head.

“I know you don’t want to hear me say it and you don’t believe me when I do,” Harry replied. “But the one thing I really care about and wanted out of all of this--was for you to be able to somehow be happy again.”

“And from where I was sitting--it certainly looked like you’d found that again.”

Ginny slowly lowered her hand from her mouth--the one she hadn’t even realized she’d brought up in an involuntary gesture that showed her shock at his admission and words.

“So I wasn’t being completely dishonest when I said that it wasn’t just me I had to think about anymore,” Harry said as his voice suddenly a bit stronger than before. “I was thinking about you too--just like I always have.”

“And--you were right, Ginny--if Jackson hadn’t come looking and if Ron and Hermione hadn’t found me,” Harry began as he stood up and straightened to his full height. “I’d probably have continued to stay right where I am--trying to get on with my life the best I could.”

“But my reasons aren’t at all as selfish as you seem to think they are,” Harry said as he took a step forward.

“They never have been.”

With a quick glance around the room, Harry moved towards the door.

Those standing there quickly parted for him--only Ron hesitating for a moment as though he wanted to say something to his old friend. But the pause lasted only a second before Ron side-stepped and allowed Harry to stride from the room and out of sight.

Ginny’s mind was reeling and the words of their conversation ricocheting around her brain at rapid speed. She still wanted to be angry, to rage and to hold him accountable for the consequences his choices had thrust upon her own life.

But why did she suddenly feel as though in all her anger--she’d gotten some things very wrong about all of this?

She hadn’t been expecting for them to figure everything out in one conversation. But she surely hadn’t expected it to make things worse than they had already been either. And they certainly seemed to be in a much worse off place than just a few minutes ago--if that was at all possible.

Her breath was coming in great gasps as her emotions and the intensity of the last few minutes started to get the best of her and she thought for a moment she might need to sink back into the leather chair--or at least hold onto something to stabilize herself.

But before she could do either on her own, Ginny felt solid arms wrap around her and she sunk into the familiar embrace of her dad just as her emotions overtook her.
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