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SIYE Time:13:33 on 28th March 2024
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Harry Potter and the Really, Really, Really Bad Fan fiction
By HarryGinnyDestiny

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Category: Night Time Challenge (2010-6), Night Time Challenge (2010-6)
Characters:Draco Malfoy, Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Minerva McGonagall, Neville Longbottom, Ron Weasley
Genres: Comedy
Warnings: Mild Language, Mild Sexual Situations
Rating: R
Reviews: 6
Summary: What if Ginny drank a potion that gave her magical eyes? What if Voldemort never heard The Prophesy? What if Dumbledore hadn’t really died on the Astronomy Tower? What if Lily married Snape instead of James? What if Neville Longbottom was a squib? What if Harry's parents really did die in that car crash? What if Cedric was really a shiny vampire who sparkled in the sunlight? What if Hermione was in love with Draco, but Draco was in love with Harry? What if Ginny was kidnapped by Killer Nazi Vampire Robots from Outer Space? What if someone wrote a really, really, really bad fan fiction about Harry Potter?
Hitcount: Story Total: 6596; Chapter Total: 2613





Author's Notes:
My plan for this story was to write a fanfic that was compliant with Canon, while being completely and utterly ridiculous and insane, and fitting in all the bad fanfic plot car-crashes I really, really, really hate. I think I may have slipped out of Canon in one or two places (or more), but I blame it on the Boogie.

This story was written for the SIYE “Night Time” Gred and Forge Ridiculos! Challenge.

I would like to expressly thank Spenser Hemmingway for being brave enough to Beta this lunacy for me. Great job, man! And I decided to keep your ‘pink bunny slippers’ in for good measure. Bravo! Your sense of humour knows no bounds. ;-)




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Harry Potter and the Really, Really, Really Bad Fan fiction

(AKA: Harry Potter and the Killer Nazi Vampire Robots from Outer Space)

(AKA: Ginny Weasley and her Magically Magic Dancing Eyes)



Prologue — Nineteen Years and two months later...


Albus Severus Potter sat in the classroom, watching in amazement as his Defence against the Dark Arts teacher peered out from behind his desk. It had been like this for most of these lessons. Their teacher would either babble incoherently about spells he seemed to know nothing about, before almost destroying half the classroom, or else ask pupils their names (for the forty-third time), and if they were his children, or else hide behind his desk until the lesson ended. Albus was just about to raise his hand, and ask if they were going to learn anything useful today (apart from how to hide behind a desk so badly that everyone in the room knew where you were) when the door to the classroom burst open, and Minerva McGonagall hurried into the room.

“Professor, come quickly! There’s been another disappearance in the Potions Classroom! That’s the third student this week! This time we found…b… blood! We think it might be [drum roll]…a….a…a murder!”

“Really? A murder, you say? Wow! And…who are you again?”

“Really, Professor! I’m the headmistress here! Minerva McGonagall! How many times do I have to keep telling you that?”

“Headmistress, you say? You mean this is a school? Are you sure? Seems awfully big for a school. And…who am I again?”

Minerva rolled her eyes once more. “Your name is Gilderoy Lockhart. Really… we’ve been over this countless times! St. Mungo’s ASSURED me you were cured!!”



Chapter 1 — “My Godfather went to Azkaban, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!”


Many Years Ago...in a Castle far, far away...


First Year pupil Ginny Weasley crept silently up to the bathroom. Looking around to make sure the coast was clear, she slipped inside quietly. The girls’ bathroom on the second floor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was normally deserted, mainly because of Moaning Myrtle; a ghost who had haunted the place for years. However, this time upon entering, she heard hushed voices coming from the furthest cubicle. Summoning all of her Gryffindor courage, she drew her wand, and walked slowly towards the source of the chatter.

“Faster, Ronald, faster! It’s almost there!”

“If I stir any faster my arms gonna fall off!”

“Ron! Honestly! How hard can it be? Put your balls in now!”

Ginny sniggered! They were voices she recognised very well. Just what were Ron and Hermione doing in there?

“Ugh, it’s revolting! He’s never gonna drink this!”

“Oh grow up, Ronald! Just follow the directions... two dragon’s...uhhh...thingies...a quart of elf snot...three tears from a one-legged unicorn...the anus of a blast-ended screwt...a pig’s bladder (preferably full)...a dog’s tongue...what’s on the next page?”

“Oh bloody hell, ‘Mione! There are six more pages of revolting ingredients! Did you know this?!”

Just then, Ginny kicked the toilet door open with deliberate force to reveal a startled Ron and Hermione. They were sitting with a steaming bubbling cauldron between them, filled with a nasty-smelling green liquid. Actually, to say nasty smelling is somewhat of an understatement. It smelled positively revolting! Like, imagine the worst poo you’ve ever done in your entire life being fed to a dog, and then that dog would go on to poo your poo back out again. Then a monkey would come along, and be sick all over the poo, and then eat it up, and go on to poo it back out for the third time. Then, multiply that smell by ten, and you’re still not even close.

“And just what in Merlin’s brown-stained incontinence pants is going on in here?!” cried Ginny, looking from Ron to Hermione with a mixture of curiosity and triumph.

So this was where they were disappearing to most nights while Harry had been in detentions...

“Sod off, Gin! This is a job for grownups!” yelled Ron, pointing towards the door “And it’s Top Secret! Get out now... before I have to hurt you!”

“What are you making?!” asked Ginny excitedly, completely ignoring her idiot brother.

“Promise to keep a secret??” asked Hermione, grinning.

“Yeah, of course!” replied Ginny, smiling. “I AM a Weasley after all. Secret is my middle name.”

Ron looked confused. “But, I thought your middle name was Molly??”

“It’s a potion for Harry!” continued Hermione. “And it HAS to be a secret!”

Ginny joined the two of them in the cubicle, looking at the open spell book.

“What does it do??” she asked inquisitively, looking from Ron to Hermione.

“It will give him perfect eyesight! You know; remove the need to wear those God-awful glasses!” replied Hermione smiling.

“Oi!” exclaimed Ginny. “I happen to like him in those glasses. I think they make him look...”

“Like a git!” Ron finished her sentence for her. “Seriously, Ginny, he’s meant to be some big celebrity. Harry Potter - The Boy Who Lived; the youngest Quidditch player ever to make the team in the history of Hogwarts... not some specky-eyed dweeb! It’s embarrassing!”

“Ron, honestly!” said Hermione sternly. “That’s not it at all! I was just thinking about it because... well... Ginny, you know how we’ve got this Duelling Club coming up??”

“Yeah, I heard something about it,” replied Ginny

“Well, I got to thinking! What if Harry was chosen to duel...say…Malfoy or someone, and in the middle of the duel one of his shoes fell off, and he bent down to pick it up, and then his glasses fell off, and then someone trod on them...like Neville or something. I mean, he’s as blind as a bat without those things! Malfoy would be firing hex after hex at him, and he wouldn’t be able to see him to block them, let alone return the spells! He’d probably start firing hexes all over the place, and end up hitting a teacher or some students or a house-elf or something! And then, I thought, what if one of his hexes goes in the entirely wrong direction, and ends up setting fire to a tapestry or something, and Hogwarts burns to the ground?! I mean, he might get sent to Azkaban, or worse…expelled!! It doesn’t bear thinking about!”

“Yeah,” said Ginny, looking serious now, “I could totally see that happening! That would be awful!”

“So,” she continued, “I did a little research, and then I found THIS potion. I mean, it’s perfect! Well...I mean, it’s ALMOST perfect...it’s just...”

“Just what?” asked Ginny.

“Well...it...err...does...umm...take ... errr.... four years to make.”

“FOUR YEARS!! Did you just say four YEARS?! That’s ridiculous!” gasped Ginny.

“Yeah,” said Ron, “I told her that!”

“Well... I mean, yeah, four years before he can drink it...I mean, technically we should have finished the potion and spells to bind its magic by tonight, but yes, we have to leave it for four years until it’s ready to drink,” grimaced Hermione. “I DID say it was ALMOST perfect...it just takes a bit of time to mature.”

“A BIT of time? Merlin’s bra, Hermione! Now THAT’S an understatement!”

“Out of curiosity,” continued Hermione, “how did you manage to find us? I mean, we’ve been working on this potion for weeks now, and this is the first time we’ve been disturbed here. Well, by an alive-person, anyways.”

Ginny grinned. “Met Myrtle, then, I take it??”

Hermione looked absolutely flabbergasted. “But...how...when...why?”

Ginny continued to grin. “Hermione, I’ve been coming to this bathroom ALL YEAR! I practically live in here! Actually, I was just as surprised to find you two here, as you were to find me!”

“Ah...so you WEREN’T actually searching for us when you stumbled in here, Ginny? This really was a chance encounter??”

“That’s right,” said Ginny, now positively beaming. “I come here all the time with my special friend

“Your...uh...special friend?” asked a confused Hermione.

“Yeah,” replied Ginny, “my special invisible imaginary friend, Tom, who lives inside my magical diary!”

“Oh...THAT friend!” said Ron, stealing a glance at Hermione before pointing to the side of his head, and waggling his finger around, at it as if to say my sister’s gone nutters!

“Oh...oh...oh...do you want to meet him?!” asked Ginny excitedly, pulling the diary of Tom Riddle out her pocket.

“Everybody...say hello to Tom!” she exclaimed.

“Hi Tom!” said Hermione, waving at the diary with a big happy smile on her face.

“Umm yeah...hi Tom!” grumbled Ron.

Ginny opened her diary, and peered inside...and then her face fell.

“What is it, Ginny?” asked a concerned Hermione.

“Tom said hi and...uh...he wants me to eat more cheese.”

“Cheese?” Hermione looked confused.

“Yeah, he’s always going on at me about it! ‘Have you eaten your cheese, Ginny? Why not eat some cheese, Ginny? Go on, try some camembert, Ginny. Gorgonzola’s nice at this time of year, Ginny! Put some cheddar in your socks, Ginny!’ Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese; that’s all I get from him these days! Honestly, if I eat any more cheese, I think I’ll turn into a huge block of Edam, with cottage cheese eyes, and cheese strings for my fingers and toes!”

“My sister, the mental case!” laughed Ron.

“That doesn’t sound right, Ginny,” said Hermione, sounding concerned. “Are you sure that diary’s got your best interests at heart? You do know eating too much cheese can be bad for you? Cheese is high in fat for starters, and eating too much cheese can cause constipation!”

“No shit, Sherlock!” smirked Ginny. “And why do you think I’m in this toilet all the time? For the good of my own health? Anyways, on that note, I’m going to have to go visit the little girls’ room! Nature calls, and all that!”

Ginny turned to walk away, but as she did, Hermione called out after her.

“Number one, or number two, Ginny?”

“Well if you MUST know, it’s number two!” replied Ginny, staring at Hermione as if she’d gone crackers!

“Good!” said Hermione. “I was gonna try for one later, but YOU can do the honours!”

With that, she threw a small paper bag to Ginny.

“I only need one...errr...stool sample, if you please, Miss Weasley!”

“What?!” cried Ron. “Have you both gone totally round the twist?!”

Hermione rolled her eyes again.

“Fourth page, third ingredient down, Ronald,” was all she said, smirking at the look of horror on his face.

“Ewww,” said Ron, as he scanned down the page to confirm what he already guessed. “That’s bloody revolting!!”



*****


Four Years Later...


“You still don’t get it, do you, Harry?” said Hermione crossly. “What if, in that graveyard, your glasses had fallen off? How would you have duelled Voldemort then? How would you have seen where the cup was, or found your way to Cedric’s body?”

“She’s got a point there, mate” said Ron. “You should listen to Hermione! Smartest witch of her age, she is!”

“But my glasses DIDN’T fall off!” said Harry angrily. “Besides, couldn’t you come up with a charm that would make my glasses stay on instead? I mean, anything’s got to be better than drinking purified dragon’s balls!”

Hermione rolled her eyes.

“Look Harry, dragons’…um… thingies…are only a tiny part of the potion. Besides, the benefits of the potion far outweigh the taste!”

“I did say we shouldn’t have told him what was in it...or at least waited until after he drank it!” said a frustrated Ron.

They had now been arguing this point for the past three hours, and neither side was making any progress.

“Look Hermione, if you think this potion’s so great, why don’t YOU drink it!”

“Me? Harry, it’s preposterous! Do you know what would happen if a normal person were to drink this potion?”

Harry shook his head in disbelief.

“No, I don’t! What, they’d grow another set of eyes or something?? Hermione, I don’t really care what...uh... Wait… Hang on a minute…did you just call me abnormal?”

“She didn’t mean it like that, mate,” said Ron defensively.

“Okay, then, so what way DID she mean it? She said normal people couldn’t drink it. So obviously I must be abnormal!”

“Look, Hermione didn’t mean it like that. She just meant…well…”

“Well what, Ron? Go on, spit it out!”

“Well, in case you hadn’t noticed this, mate. You’re a bit of a specky!

“A…a...WHAT?!”

“You know, mate? A specky! A four-eyes! A goggle-eye Magoo! An ugly Betty! wonkey-eyed Wilbur! Mental Milly Miggins the Specky Muggle! I mean, you’re practically blind!”

Hermione rolled her eyes again. “Always the master of diplomacy, aren’t we, Ronald!”

“Well he is, ‘Mione! You even said it! Why do you think Cho always cries every time he’s around? Cuz Cedric got toasted and ghosted, and she got stuck with the specky kid!”

“Oi, mate! That’s a low blow!” Harry looked visibly offended.

“Come on, Harry!” continued Ron. “How many other Wizards do you know who wear glasses? I mean, besides Dumbledore, and everyone knows he just wears them to look like a nutter! Even Moody had a magical eye fitted so he didn’t look like such a git!”

“What’s so bad about wearing glasses!” yelled Harry.

“Harreee...Ron doesn’t mean it like that,” said Hermione, trying to diffuse the situation.

“Could’ve fooled me!” snapped Harry, now staring at his best mate with a look of distaste. “If you really feel like that, Ron, maybe you should just sod off and go find a new mate? One with better eyesight?!”

“Maybe I should!” grumbled Ron.

“Now, now, boys. Ron, Harry can’t help it if he wears glasses. You know he doesn’t like wearing those contacts you bought him, Ronald! Honestly! And Harry, can’t you see I’m just trying to help? Do you know how much effort went into making this potion? How much we all gave up for it? I mean, all those toenail clippings in there were mine, and do you know how much effort it took for Ron to get enough elf snot to complete the recipe? And it’s taken four years to mature! The least you can do is take one tiny little sip?”

“I’m NOT drinking it!” said a defiant Harry, now crossing his arms in protest.

Hermione walked over to Ron, and whispered something in his ear. Suddenly Ron’s face split into a huge grin. They had a plan!

“Okay,” said Ron, winking at Hermione, “I have an idea; a way to settle this. If you can beat Hermione in a duel, then you don’t have to drink it. We’ll say no more about it. How’s about that mate?”

Harry laughed. “Are you serious?”

“What’s so funny, Harry? Don’t think I can beat you?” smiled Hermione.

Harry laughed again. “You ARE serious? Hermione, might I remind you who beats you in EVERY test in EVERY Defence against the Dark Arts class? It must be the ONLY subject you get slaughtered in!”

“So you accept the challenge, do you Harry?” asked Ron, still grinning.

“Sure, this’ll be a piece of cake!” Harry laughed.

“Okay, mate, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!” grinned Ron. “You both ready?”

“Sure,” replied Harry. “I’m going to enjoy humiliating both of you!”

“Yeah, Ron, I’m ready!” Hermione grinned even wider.

“Okay,” said Ron “Then…one…two…three…GO!!!”

Before Harry managed to get a shot off, Hermione yelled “Accio Harry’s glasses!” and his glasses flew right into her hands. Then she jumped over the nearest sofa, and started firing hex after hex after hex at Harry. Harry squinted around, trying to see where she was, but his eyesight was so bad all he could see were blurs moving around. Was that Hermione or Ron?? He didn’t want to hex the wrong person. Great! He couldn’t see a bloody thing! God, he thought, this is embarrassing!

And still Hermione kept firing hex after hex after hex at him! The best he could do was try to dive behind something large to avoid the spells, which were hitting him now at an alarming rate, but he couldn’t even see the room clearly enough to make out something to dive behind. Still Hermione’s spells kept coming!

Langlock… Furnunculus… Avis Oppugno…. Levicorpus… Obscuro… Petrificus Totalus … Impedimenta… Excelsiosempra…Conjunctiva…Densaugeo… Engorgio… Braccium Immendo!



****



Harry regained consciousness around three hours later, to discover he was in the Hospital Wing, bandaged from head to toe.

Ron and Hermione had been waiting at his bedside with huge grins on their faces, and now they were all laughing about the bet they had just won.

“I’m sorry, Harry, but I had to teach you a lesson!” grinned Hermione. “You’d never have even thought about drinking this potion if I hadn’t showed you how vulnerable you were without your glasses! Go on, admit that I’m right! I mean... imagine it had been Voldemort you were facing? Do you think he would have just stopped after he removed all the bones from your arms and legs, made your head swell-up to twice its size, and covered you in boils? No, he would not!”

“Yeah…” admitted Harry, lifting up one of his legs which looked like it was made entirely of jelly. “I guess I see what you mean! You’re right, as always, Hermione!”

“Good, I’m glad you see sense now, Harry,” grinned Hermione, holding up a glass of green foul-smelling lumpy liquid, “because THIS potion took us FOUR YEARS to make…not to mention we only have enough for ONE PERSON!”

Just at that moment, Ginny Weasley came skipping into the Hospital Wing.

“Hey Harry…Ron…Hermione; how’s everyone doing?” asked Ginny smiling.

“Great! Just great!” replied Harry sourly.

“Hey, Hermione… what’s in the glass? That smells disgusting!” Ginny held her nose. The whole room smelled of it. Uhh… what was that smell? Ugh…it smelled like feet!

“Purified dragon’s balls!” grumbled Harry, staring disgustedly at the glass he was going to have to drink.

Before he could even think about drinking it, Ginny exclaimed, “Wow! Really? I’ve always wanted to try those!” Then, before anyone could stop her, she grabbed the glass right out of Hermione’s hand, and drank it down in one gulp!

The effects were instantaneous! First Ginny’s eyes bulged in their sockets, and then…they started to grow!

“Oh dear…” said Hermione

They grew slowly at first; they were maybe now only twice their normal size. Like too large white apples coming out of Ginny’s head. Then, suddenly, her eyeballs began swelling at an alarming rate, as Ginny stood there, rooted to the spot. Her whole body as rigid as a post.

“Errrmm…Hermione, is this supposed to happen? Because if it is, I’m glad I never drank it!”

“No, Harry. I told you, only people with really bad eyesight are supposed to drink that potion! The effects on a person with perfect eyesight can be…umm…really unpredictable.”

Now smoke had started billowing out of Ginny’s ears: thick black smoke. It was filling the whole room up like some sort of eerie fog. Now, the entire ceiling of the hospital wing was carpeted in what looked like thick black storm clouds, as more and more thick black smoke poured from Ginny’s ears. Ginny’s eyes were now three times larger than her head. It was a terrifying sight! Then Ginny opened her mouth, and began to speak…if you could call it speaking. It certainly wasn’t any language Harry recognised.

“Zooom… zooom…zooom….zooom….zooom!!” she yelled. “Gurble purble gurble bloikkkk! Zzzooom!!”

Now, her eyeballs started spinning! They turned faster and faster… like two massive spinning beach balls attached to her head. Quicker and quicker they spun, growing larger and larger as they twisted and twirled and whirled in her head, until they looked like a spinning blur of massive revolving eyes.

“Zooom… zooom… zooom…. zooom….zooooom!!” cried Ginny. “Zooom… zooom…zoooom…zoooom….zooooom…zooooom!!”


Then, all at once, the massive eyeballs came to a halt in her head, staring disbelievingly at Harry, Ron and Hermione like two huge white zeppelins with tiny black pupils at the centre of them…and then…they exploded!!!

Harry gasped, wiping the pieces of mucus, snot and eyeball from his face, just in time to see Ginny, still stiff as a board, go crashing to the ground.

“Bloody hell!” exclaimed Ron. “Now THAT was mental!”



****


....COMING SOON — CHAPTER 2 - GINNY WEASLEY AND HER MAGICALLY MAGICAL MAGIC DANCING EYES! — COMING SOON....

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