TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the bad chapter.
Thank you Arnel for beta'ing, my husband for patting my back (literally) while I post this, and for JP and your prodding to write what isn't always popular.
I dedicate this chapter to my three amazing, beautiful, perfect sons, Zach, Toby and Simon. Time does not heal all wounds and the empty places in my heart will never be filled. I will miss you until we are together again.
I lost three babies in the second trimester. I wrote this to try and cope. It’s been more horrible to live than I have words to describe. I appreciate you reading and sharing my journey of healing with me.
I know I have said I'd be brave and take whatever everyone threw at me for writing this, but I've ripped my heart out and put on the page what I've lived three times. I've healed from it, because writing is healing for me, but the wounds are still scabbed so if you could go easy on me, I would appreciate it. I know what I'm doing sucks. I know it's mean and awful. I know because I've lived it. I know. I stand at my sons' graves on Mother's Day. So if you really hate it, okay, but know I didn't just do this for kicks. I have some really big pain that I needed to get out. If you want to skip this chapter, and wait for chapter 21 (the next one isn't a lot better) I will completely understand.
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Category: Alternate Universe, Post-DH/AB Characters:All Genres: Angst, Drama, Fluff, Romance, Tragedy Warnings: Dark Fiction, Death, Disturbing Imagery, Extreme Language, Intimate Sexual Situations, Mental Abuse, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Situations, Negative Alcohol Use, Rape, Sexual Situations, Spouse/Adult/Child Abuse, Violence, Violence/Physical Abuse Story is Complete Rating: R Reviews: 357 Summary: The battle is over, there is life to be lived, peace to be enjoyed and trouble following close at their heels. Ginny hasn't seen Harry since the dust settled from the battles with Voldemort, but when an unexpected piece of news draws them together will they be driven apart or become bound? Follows Canon to the best of my knowledge. The warnings are just to be safe. I don't know that they're all needed, but I'm putting them up just to cover my bases. If you have any questions or concerns, please message me. Hitcount: Story Total: 139144; Chapter Total: 7570 Awards: View Trophy Room Author's Notes: |
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Wednesday August 11th “Harry birthday, Gin,” she heard Harry whisper. She blinked her eyes open to find him smiling at her with so much love in his eyes that her heart wanted to melt inside her chest. “Thanks,” she replied. Harry leaned in to kiss her tenderly and she spent several happy moments lost in the feel of his soft lips on hers. She only broke away when she couldn’t fight off a yawn any longer. Ginny turned onto her back a bit. It was getting uncomfortable to sleep on her back now because the baby was pushing on everything and she’d wake up with heartburn when she accidentally rolled onto her back, but it also left her sides stiff and aching by morning. “Do you want to eat anything?” Harry asked, rolling over so that he could pull her to his side. “I don’t think so,” Ginny said as she rubbed at her belly. Something was tickling her, but she didn’t find anything except her pajamas. Frowning, she looked down at her belly and felt it again, almost like a feather was fluttering in her stomach. “What?” Harry asked, suddenly concerned. “Are you okay?” Confused, she looked at him and then back down as she felt it again. Realization and hope blossomed in her so suddenly that it was almost painful. Ginny put her hand back on her belly and pressed down gently on the mound and waited. “What?” Harry asked again, really starting to panic. She couldn’t take her eyes from her belly. “I think I’m feeling her move.” “What?” He asked, but this time with shock and reverence. “You’re feeling her?” “I think so,” she said, “hold on.” Harry nodded and waited with her. A moment later she felt it again, like a butterfly was trying to fly around in her stomach. “Oh…” Ginny breathed out, completely in awe. “I’m feeling her!” Tears began to pool in her eyes as she looked at Harry and saw that his eyes were also suspiciously bright. “I’m feeling our baby!” Harry nodded and buried his face into her neck. “That’s a really great birthday present,” he said finally, his voice a little scratchy. “Makes the necklace I got you seem really paltry.” “You got me a necklace?” Ginny asked turning to him. “I did,” Harry laughed. He got up and bent down to speak to their child. “Hope, you showed me up.” He tenderly kissed her stomach, cupping her belly with his hand and saw that his hand could no longer cover her whole stomach. “I’m so glad you did.” Hope wiggled inside of her again. Ginny ran her fingers through Harry’s hair. “She moved when you talked to her.” “Yeah?” Harry asked hopefully, looking up at her. At her encouraging nod, he turned back to her belly. “Hope…” his voice cracked a bit. “I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re growing bigger.” The baby moved again and Ginny gasped in wonder. “She must know your voice.” Laying her hand back on her belly, she sniffed once. “You have the best Daddy, Hope.” Harry grinned at her in gratitude. “You have the best Mummy, too.” “This is definitely going to top it for birthdays,” Ginny said joyously. “I’m never going to forget this one.” ~*~ Sunday August 23rd Ginny curled into a ball, half-awake as she tried to ignore the need to use the loo. She cracked an eye open but saw it was still dark and she could hear Harry breathing deeply next to her. She rolled over, trying to ignore it but it only got worse. She tentatively got up and grabbed the pole as a wave of nausea overtook her. She clung to the pole and started to slowly walk to the bathroom. It felt like every step took her an hour. She felt something warm and wet start to trickle down her legs and groaned. She couldn’t believe she’d wet herself. Embarrassment warred with feeling wretched and feeling wretched won. “Harry?” She managed to croak out. “Hm?” He mumbled and rolled over. She could see from the dim moonlight that he was looking at her. “What’s up?” “I need help going to the loo,” she told him. “‘Kay,” he yawned and put on his glasses as he got up. He walked over and put his arm around her waist just as another cramp hit her. She moaned and nearly doubled up in his arms. “What’s wrong?” Harry asked suddenly. “I’m going to be sick,” she said, falling limp in his arms as her stomach rolled and her muscles lost all of their strength. Harry picked her up and managed to carry her and the pole to the bathroom. He set her down at the toilet and got the light just as Ginny heaved what little was in her stomach into the toilet. She heard Harry’s strangled cry, but couldn’t look at him when he called out for Kreacher to go get Martha. She heaved until her stomach ached and her throat felt like it was going to burst into flames. She felt Harry’s hands on her back and finally she looked up at him. His face was white as a sheet. “What-” but then something bright caught her eye and she looked down to see a crimson stain spreading onto the cold tile floor. No. Her mind sputtered to a stop. She couldn’t process it. She couldn’t be bleeding. She couldn’t be bleeding. If she was bleeding then something was wrong and nothing could be wrong. She was seventeen weeks pregnant so nothing was going to go wrong now! Ginny didn’t speak as Harry picked her up again and took her back to the bed. There was a buzzing in her ears so loud that nothing Harry said registered. She curled into a ball, trying to hold her baby in and keep her safe. She ignored Harry’s hand on her head and ignored the voices that filled the room. Nothing mattered but her baby. Nothing mattered but that she not move so that Hope could stay in and alive. “Ginny, I need you to lie flat,” Martha said firmly as she tugged Ginny onto her back. “Come on, I need to look at the baby.” Ginny turned onto her back and closed her eyes as her heart pounded painfully. She felt Harry take her hand. She couldn’t watch. She couldn’t watch. If she didn’t watch then everything was still okay. Everything was fine and Hope was going to move any minute so that she’d know that the she was still alive. That there was still hope. She heard Martha mutter a spell and waited, waited to hear that she was being silly and that the blood was normal. Then she heard the spell repeated and waited again as the dread swamped her and the tears began to pour out from her closed eyes. No. No. Her mind started to scream even as her lips stayed silent as she heard Harry let out a sob next to her and pull her into his arms. No. Harry’s tears soaked into her shoulder as he held her close and she heard someone else enter the room. She still didn’t open her eyes as the two voices left and closed the door. No. Harry rocked her as his shoulders shook with pain and grief and she lay limp, not able to take in anything. Because Hope was fine. She’d felt her move the night before. She would move now. The effort it took to move her arm was extraordinary. Ginny put her hand on her belly and waited. Waited for movement. Please baby, please Hope… please, please move for Mummy, please. The begging in her head went on and on. Hope didn’t move. More tears poured out. She couldn’t be… she couldn’t have… “Ginny…” Harry’s voice was thick with tears and pain so deep that it confirmed what she already knew and didn’t have any way of accepting. She felt him kiss her temple as she turned into him, letting his arms surround her as she fell apart. Minutes or hours later Ginny felt a handkerchief pressed into her hand and she blew her nose as the tears continued to pour out. “Ginny,” she heard her mother’s gentle voice say as she stroked her brow. “Ginny, sweetheart, I am so sorry.” She heard the tears in her mum’s voice but couldn’t get up the energy to turn from Harry’s arms to look at her. Ginny heard her mother and Harry talking and Harry shifted. Panicking, she clung to him not wanting him to leave her. “I’m not going anywhere, Ginny,” he whispered into her hair. “I just need a drink of water.” Nodding, she let go so he could take a glass and drink. She should be thirsty. After Fred died she’d cried for days and no amount of water could quench the thirst. No amount of comfort could stop the grief. This grief came back like the tide, washing in over her and she began to sob again. Harry pulled her back into his arms and stroked a hand up and down her back. The pain stabbed into her so deeply that she couldn’t breathe for the agony. Her baby was dead. Her child had died. Hope was… Another cramp hit her and she moaned as she curled into a ball. “She’s in labor,” she heard her mother tell Harry. She breathed, trying to fight the pain which ripped at her insides with claws. Ginny heard someone come in the room and felt a hand on her forehead, heard talking above her. “Labor might last hours,” Martha said. “Can you give her something for the pain?” Harry asked. Ginny shook her head. She didn’t want anything to numb the pain. Nothing could numb this pain. “No.” “Ginny, please take something,” Harry begged her. “Please.” “No,” she breathed out as another wave came upon her and the pain began to build. “Owww.” “We can help her deal with the pain without potions,” Martha said. “Ginny, would you like to get in a bath? It will help with the pain. Lying flat on the bed is one of the worst positions for labor.” She must have nodded because shortly she felt them helping her up, undressing her. Harry picked her up and carried her back to the bathtub, gently laying her in the warm water which instantly soothed her. Ginny cupped her stomach as another wave crested. She looked down and saw the blood. So much blood stained the water a bright red and left no room for doubt that Death was here. She tried to sit up and felt the feeding line pull. “Take this out,” she barked, grabbing at it with her other hand. She felt a strong hand stop her. “We can’t take it out, Ginny. You need to leave it alone.” Ginny grabbed for it, trying to pull it out, reveling in the pain in her arm because it drew her mind from the pain that was breaking her heart in two. “I don’t need it anymore! Hope is dead! I don’t need it!” “You do need it,” Martha said gently but firmly. “You’re still ill Ginny.” “I don’t care,” she sobbed, curling into a ball in the crimson water. “I don’t care. I can die, I don’t care anymore.” She ignored the anguished sob from Harry and her mother as she continued to cry, drawing tighter into a ball. “Harry,” she heard Martha say. “I want you to put on a bathing suit and get in with her. I think she needs your support.” Another wave hit and Ginny nearly came out of the tub. “Ow ow ow oooooooo!” She moaned, sobbing. “No, owww!” “I’m here,” Harry said, moving her a bit so he could sit behind her. The water splashed around her as her body tried to split in half. “Ginny lean on me.” She fell back into him panting, trying to catch her breath. “I can’t do this.” “They’re building, Ginny,” Martha told her. “That’s a good sign. If you fight the pain it will hurt more. If you let go and let it work, it will be easier on you.” “I can’t…” Ginny cried again as another contraction hit. She got onto her knees, her head on Harry’s shoulder with her arms around his neck as she felt Martha pressing points on her lower back. “I can’t…” On and on it went. Wave after wave came for what felt like years as she moved where her body told her to move. “No…” she cried when she was only managing one breath between the contractions which were coming faster and faster. “I can’t, ouch, I CAN’T!” Ginny yelled it at the top of her lungs, letting out a guttural cry that felt like it shook the whole world. She turned onto her side, turning into Harry’s bare chest, clinging to him as she cried from the pain and the grief as his arms came around her, holding her in close. Something popped and she felt another wave of pain wash over her then slide away. “Ginny, look down,” Martha said gently. “I can’t,” Ginny cried burying her face into Harry’s chest. “I can’t.” “Sweetheart, look at your baby,” her mother encouraged gently. “She’s beautiful, Ginny.” Ginny looked down and saw her tiny baby, still red from the blood, but so beautiful that she was drawn to pick her up from the water. She didn’t weight more than an apple and she was slightly longer than Ginny’s hands. She had to use both to hold her wet little body. “Hope,” she whispered. Harry leaned forward and using his index finger took her tiny hand. Her whole hand was smaller than the tip of his finger. Words failed her. She couldn’t comprehend holding her child and yet could not ever fathom letting her go. “She’s beautiful,” Harry said thickly. “She’s just perfect.” She was. Her little face looked just like a baby’s face should look. Her eyes were closed and to Ginny’s utter amazement she had perfect little fingernails. The tears began again and she felt, although she did not acknowledge it, another smaller contraction that pushed out a large reddish-orange blob. She saw in her periphery as Martha pull it from the water and move away. Her mother sat down on the floor next to the tub, knocking a bit in the feeding pole. “Ginny, she’s amazing.” Molly reached out and gently touched her foot. Very suddenly Ginny wanted out of the tub, away from the red, wanting Hope away from the blood. Ginny looked into her mother’s tear stained face. “Mum, can you hold her so I can get out?” “I’d be honored,” Molly whispered and gently she took the baby from Ginny. She stood, cradling her grandchild in her hands while Harry helped Ginny stand and dry off. Leaning heavily on Harry, Ginny walked back to her bed and saw that it had been cleaned up. She got into the bed, propped up with some pillows while Martha examined the baby in Molly’s palms. “Audrey is coming,” she told Ginny as she wrapped the baby in a small, soft blanket. “Here,” Harry said holding out a clean shirt. He helped her put it on. Molly came over with underpants and a large pad and in short order Ginny was tucked back in. Her stomach was still cramping some, but it had faded from the intense rage that it had been mere minutes before. Harry sat with her and Martha gave Hope back to her. She didn’t have any hair, so she couldn’t tell what color it might have been. Tears began to flow again, but this time it they didn’t destroy her. She couldn’t fall apart. She had to hold onto Hope. “Can I hold her?” Harry asked quietly and she nodded, and handed the swaddled baby to her daddy. She was smaller than his hands. She looked even smaller in his hands. Harry’s lip trembled as he brought her up for a delicate kiss. “I love you,” he told her. “I love you, Hope.” Ginny couldn’t speak as more tears washed down her cheeks. She let Harry hold her until she couldn’t stand it anymore, and the ache in her heart made her reach for her baby. Harry passed her back and she kissed her, and held her and cried. Harry’s arms stayed steady around her as his sobs mingled with hers. Audrey came in along with the rays of the morning sun to examine Hope. She unwrapped the blanket and ran her wand over her, but Ginny didn’t know what she expected to find. Hope was perfect. She was amazing and there was nothing to find. “She’s beautiful, Ginny,” Audrey promised as she carefully wrapped the baby back in her blanket. “Are you tired?” Ginny shook her head, fighting off the complete exhaustion. She couldn’t sleep, sure that something else would happen if she slept. “Gin,” Harry said gently. “You can sleep. Your mum or I will hold Hope for you. We- we’ll keep her safe.” She looked into the red rimmed emerald eyes and nodded slowly. She handed her baby over, and lay back. In seconds she slept. ~*~ Harry looked down at his tiny, perfect baby and felt another wave of grief wash over him. He glanced at Ginny. Her skin was ashen except for the red splotches from crying. “Harry?” Audrey said softly as she sat at the foot of the bed. Her shoulders sagged as he looked at her. “Harry, the placenta is orange tinted.” “What?” he asked, not understanding. “The placenta is what feeds the baby. It’s the connection between the mother and baby. It’s orange,” she said wearily. She tucked her short hair behind her ear. “I think that the antidote to the poison didn’t make it through.” He closed his eyes, understanding what that meant. “Did… did she suffer?” “No,” Audrey promised. “No, she was watched daily, Harry. If she’d been suffering or in pain we would have seen it when she was being monitored. I think that the poison was infecting the placenta, but that it didn’t make it to Hope. There is a barrier between everything. It’s very complicated, but the placenta shows signs of being ill. Besides being the wrong color, it was smaller than we’d normally see. Hope is perfect, though.” “So… so what does that mean? Why did she die?” He swallowed hard and fought to keep his composure. Audrey closed her eyes and seemed to be counting in her head. When she finally looked at Harry it was with sorrow and tears. “I think that the baby just stopped getting enough nutrients and she couldn’t keep going.” “She starved to death?” Harry hated that he’d asked. He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to think about his daughter suffering. “Not in the way you think about it. It was more like a gentle drifting away and she couldn’t keep up.” There was a knock at the door and he saw Ron and Hermione. Hermione was crying hard as they came in. “Harry…” she came over and hugged him around the shoulders before looking down at the baby. “Oh she’s so small!” She wept even as she reached for the bundle. She cradled her to her. Harry looked over to Ron and saw tears dripping down his long nose. He shuffled over and sat next to Hermione. “We’re so sorry,” he said gruffly. Hermione held her out to Ron and carefully he took his niece. “She’s just like a little doll.” “How is Ginny?” Hermione asked, looking over at his sleeping wife. “I don’t know,” Harry said honestly as a fist clenched around his heart. “She hasn’t said much.” Arthur came in next and Audrey excused herself. He came over and took Hope from Ron, held her tenderly and a few tears fell down onto her tiny blanket. No words were spoken, but none were needed. Finally he said, “We’ve contacted the rest of the family. Everyone is here except Charlie and he said he’d be here in a few hours.” Harry nodded. They were going to have to have a service. “I can’t decide anything until Ginny wakes up.” Arthur nodded with his head and Ron and Hermione got up and went out. His father-in-law sat next to him, one hand holding the baby and the other on his shoulder. “This is up to you. Ginny isn’t going to be fit to make any decisions, at least not for a while. A father’s grief is terrible and unimaginable, but for a mother it is worse.” Arthur hugged him, the tiny baby between them and Harry began to cry again. He didn’t even bother to try to hide it. He wasn’t ashamed of it. His daughter was dead and he needed to cry, to mourn her loss. “Okay,” Harry finally said. “We’ll bury her here. We can’t move Ginny; she’s too weak. We can’t go to the cemetery.” “No,” Arthur agreed. “Do you know where?” He nodded. “I’m going to dig her… her grave,” he said, sucking in air. “I promised Ginny that I wouldn’t leave, though.” Arthur kissed the baby gently and handed her back. “Molly will come back up and hold her. Everyone else wants to see her, to say goodbye.” Harry nodded. “Just don’t take her from the room. Ginny-” “I know,” Arthur said gently and minutes later Molly was back and he handed over her granddaughter to her and went downstairs. Everyone took turns hugging him and telling him how sorry they were. It didn’t really mean much, not when there was a hole in his heart that no words could ever fill. He saw Bill and Fleur head for the stairs to see the baby. He saw Audrey in the kitchen with something in a bowl but he didn’t go look. Arthur and Ron were waiting for him by the back door and he followed them out. He found a shovel in the tool shed and made his way past the tree where he’d hung the swing. A swing that Hope would never get to ride on. He went over the bridge, hearing the stream’s babble but not really taking it in, to where the benches were situated in the clearing among a copse of trees. He walked to the big oak that Ginny loved and that they’d spent many hours under over the last month. He stepped back a bit from the roots and began to dig, overwhelmed with the thought that he was digging a grave for his child and reminded forcibly of the grave he’d dug for Dobby. The pain he felt now, though, was beyond words or measure. Ron and Arthur had both offered to help, but he shook his head and continued to dig down into the wet, cold soil. Hermione and Bill came out a few minutes later with a large, flat stone that was mostly square. Bill set it down and without a word Hermione began to carve Hope’s name with her wand into it, followed by the date underneath. When all was prepared, he accepted Ron’s offered hand up and they silently moved back to the house. The house smelled of food and comfort. Low mummers filled the rooms and he thought fleetingly of a church during a funeral. Well, Harry thought as he slowly climbed the stairs feeling older than he ever had before, that was exactly what it is. He showered quickly and went back to his room to find Martha and Audrey examining Ginny again. Inextricably needing to hold is child, he carefully took the baby from Molly and sat back down next to Ginny. “Is she okay?” “I think the poison has been stored in the placenta and has been filtering back in to her,” Audrey said quietly, not wanting to wake Ginny. “I will need to make another antidote for her.” Harry closed his eyes and leaned back against the headboard. Every time he thought this day couldn’t get any worse, it did. |
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