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Ginny's Demons
By crimsonraven

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Category: Post-OotP
Characters:Harry/Ginny
Genres: Angst, Songfic
Warnings: Dark Fiction
Story is Complete
Rating: PG-13
Reviews: 9
Summary: Ginny's been struggling with the demons that Tom left her. Is there anyone that can help her cast them off, or will she be lost in the destruction that controls her?
Hitcount: Story Total: 4358







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Ginny's Demons


A/N: yes this is a little dark, I know. Sorry if that's not your style. It is a songfic, as I prefer writing one-shots (maybe I just can't get myself to concentrate on a story long enough to do well with chapter fics). The song is called Piece of Glass, by Caedmon's Call, and it's excellent. I highly suggest finding it and listening to it. I believe that it was written about a girl with bulimia, but I adapted it to this situation.

Also...I own nothing. not really. i'm poor. and starving. feed me.

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Can’t believe that I did it again
Wake me up this nightmare
Because this monster’s wasting me away
And taking my days


She closed the bathroom door behind her and looked at the mirror. She could never look into the mirror; no, that was something that she could still not find the courage to do. She settled for looking at the mirror instead, gazing across it’s smooth surface, her eyes flickering over the unmarred reflection of her alabaster skin. Her reflection may have remained smooth and unmarred, but the reality was marked in harsh lines across her porcelain frame.

The lines were part of a rigid, self-imposed control system, designed to keep her emotions buried and a smile on her face. Each line was punishment for every daydream she had, every thought that surpassed her reality. Every time she felt a sense of worth, it warranted another hash mark across her skin.

It had begun with Tom. She shuddered as the name floated across her memory. She never had been able to stomach the fact that she had done all those terrible things. They said that they had forgiven her. Her mother and father still called her their little angel. Her brothers seemed to have forgotten the incident. Hermione had even forgiven her, or seemed to, anyway. But she could never forgive herself. She could never forgive herself for what she had done, and she could never forgive herself for how Harry must see her. Tainted, ugly, someone who once had contained all the evil of the Dark Lord himself.

Every day I live a bit less
One night leads to another
Even if I went back would they recognize me?
Or criticize me?


They were currently downstairs in the kitchen of the Burrow, carrying on and celebrating. It was Harry’s birthday. They were so busy bestowing gifts on the boy and delivering well deserved slaps on the back that she knew they were paying her no attention. That is why she felt it safe to retreat to her own bathroom for only a short while.

They all saw her as happy Ginevra, little Gin-Gin who could really do no harm to anyone, and sweet Ginny who received excellent marks in Transfiguration and Charms. She had a million-dollar smile that could make anyone light up. Hmph, Ginny sniffed to herself. Too bad it had no effect on the cold glass of the mirror. The smile did nothing to melt the iciness of the face that stared back at hers. As hard as she tried, she could not conquer this other Ginny, the cold one, the one who didn’t feel. She could never let the others see this side of Ginny. No. Never. They wouldn’t even recognize her.

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace
Of the person I once was
Because I just can’t tell if you’re telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can’t rely
After all you’re just a piece of glass


She hated the girl in the mirror. Part of her wishes that she could be little innocent Ginny again. But she knew that this could never happen. She couldn’t love this person that she had become; the scars that lined the underside of her arms could attest to that. And if she couldn’t love this person, then how could she ever expect Harry to love her. She knew that being with Harry was a dream that would never be reality. The newer, harsher Ginny would not let herself dream of such happiness. So she gave him up. She would never deserve him. He was too perfect.

Still I control this nightmare
When I call it answers
But I can’t tell it when to come or when to stay


She remembered waking up to the realization that it had been her, Ginny Weasley, who had slaughtered chickens and painted their blood across the walls. Poor innocent birds, they had done no wrong. Ginny had to punish herself, to atone for the evil things that she had done. She could feel the evil coursing through her every vein. She was sick of Tom, and sick of the evil that he had implanted in her. So she bled it out. Ritually, every day, before she went to bed. She knew that if she bled out the evil, her mind would be blissfully blank. Then she would not have to think about her worthlessness. She would not have those terrible dreams, even if it was just for one night. But getting rid of the nightmares that Tom left had created a whole new set of nightmares. Nightmares that didn’t come when she slept, but rather nightmares that plagued her every waking thought. She was trapped in this system that she had created, trapped in her own rituals for finding relief. She had thought that she was in control, but really, it controlled her. She could do nothing to stop it, could do nothing to find herself worthy of making the effort.

All these thoughts raced through her mind as she scrutinized every inch of the pale skin on her arms. Tom had been right about one thing. She was worthless. She would never deserve the love that she so desperately longed for. She picked up the razor blade that lay next to the sink and dragged it across the inside of her right arm. She did not cry as she felt the sharpness of the blade bite into her skin. She did not cry as she felt the metal divide her arm, the two sides of the skin pulling apart to reveal the soft tissue beneath. And she did not cry as she felt the warm rivulet of scarlet blood painting its way down her arm and dripping to the sink. She looked back up to the mirror at the cold Ginny that she saw. She felt a sheer sense of triumph. She knew that as long as she went on this way, she would never hurt anyone else. And as long as she stayed within the system, worthless Ginny was pushed back to the inner depths of her mind and happy Ginny could stay on the surface, happy Ginny with the smile that fooled everyone. Well, almost everyone. Sometimes she thought that she had seen a concerned look on Harry’s face. A look that told her that maybe he didn’t find that smile so genuine after all. But who was she kidding? Harry had many more things on his mind than the happiness of his best mate’s little sister.

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace
Of the person I once was
Because I just can’t tell if you’re telling the truth or a lie
On you I just can’t rely
After all you’re just a piece of glass


The truth was that she didn’t know how long she could continue this way. The guilt that she continued to bear was driving her insane, even though she had tried so many times to bleed it from her system. She felt as though she were drowning, and it was all her fault. She felt as if she were drowning and she wished that someone would come and pull her from the misery. She wished that someone could look at her and find something of worth. She wished that he would look at her and find something of worth. She still loved him. As much as she told herself that she had given him up, she still loved him. And it hurt. It stung more than any pain she had ever caused herself.

Now she knew she was crying. The salty tears dropped from her eyes unbidden. She was being silly now. She had to dry her eyes and get back downstairs. She had almost forgotten, in the whirlwind of her pain, that they were still celebrating Harry’s birthday. She doubted that anyone had noticed her absence.

A sharp rap came at the door, and she jumped. She quickly cleaned up the mess that she had made, pulled the long sleeves of her shirt back down, and opened the door.

It was Harry. What was he doing here? She didn’t understand.

“Harry, why are you here? You should be downstairs celebrating your birthday with everyone else.” She couldn’t look him directly in the eyes. Her shame at almost being caught in the act was written in flaming blush across her face.

“I could ask the same about you. I couldn’t fully enjoy the fuss they’re making unless I knew that you were enjoying it as well. Why did you lock yourself up here?” His eyes were searching out hers.

“I just needed a moment to myself a bit, Harry, it’s all right. I’m just fine. In fact, we better get back downstairs. They’ll be wondering why you’ve run off.”

Ginny moved to leave, but Harry caught her arm.

“Ginny, why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” Ginny tried to pull out of his grasp, but Harry was too strong. “I know I’m not the brightest wizard there is, but I can tell that something’s not right. You never seem happy. You seem like you’re….tormented by something. Is it Tom? Is he still haunting you? Because if it is, you can talk to me about it, Gin. I understand what it’s like, really, I do. I’ve been there. And I know how terrible it is.”

Ginny’s bottom lip was trembling the entire time that Harry spoke. How had he guessed that her smiles were less than real? But when he mentioned Tom’s name, she crumbled. The tough outer shell that she normally kept in place around other people crumbled, and the tears started to fall. Harry moved to wipe the tears from her eyes with his hand, but she quickly pulled away.

“Don’t,” she began. “You shouldn’t touch me, Harry. I’m not right. Don’t you see? I’m tainted. He’s been inside of me, feeding off of me, filling me with his evil. How can you even stand to be around me, knowing all of this?”

Harry quickly gathered the broken girl in his arms and lowered them both to the floor. “Ginny Weasley, you are not evil. It is not your fault that Tom used you like he did. You should not have to pay for the corruption of a terrible wizard. You are so much better than that.”

Ginny made a noise, almost like a wounded animal. “How can you say that, Harry? I’m worthless. Tom was right about that. I’m worthless.”

Now Harry’s eyes were sparkling with tears. “No you are not. Ginny, you are the most beautiful creature on this planet. Don’t believe Tom. He is a liar. He will do whatever it takes to get what he wants. Don’t you see this? You can’t let him win. You can’t let him keep on controlling you, Ginny. I know that you can be strong, Gin. You have to fight him. It’s killing me to know that he’s destroying the most beautiful creature I’ve ever known.”

Ginny looked into his eyes. Could he possibly mean this, or was it another lie designed to tear her apart even more. But when she searched his eyes, she could find no malicious intent, no hidden meanings, just honesty. And caring. And hurt. He was hurting because she was hurting. She couldn’t believe this was true.

“Harry, you can’t really believe that I am beautiful. If only you knew what I’ve been doing to myself, all because of Tom. I’m ugly. Grotesque. Nobody could ever truly love somebody as ugly as me, even if what Tom did wasn’t my fault. I just can’t--”

Harry put his mouth up to hers to stop the words that escaped her mouth. But that didn’t stop her lips from moving. The kiss deepened as years of pent-up passion fueled it. This kiss had been a long time in coming for both of them. Harry skimmed his hands down the side of her face and across her shoulders. As his hands grazed past her elbows and over the inside of her arms, edging toward her hands, she cried out in pain and leaned back against the wall.

Harry gingerly took her left arm and rolled her sleeve up to her elbow. He gazed at the scars that crossed the surface of her arm before moving to the right arm. He pushed her right sleeve up to reveal the recent punishment she had doled out to herself. Ginny heard him take a sharp breath and braced herself for the rejection she knew she was surely facing.

But she was so surprised to feel Harry’s fingers on each line of her arm. He touched a scar and whispered in a voice so low that had there been other people in the area, she would have been the only one to hear it. “Ginny Weasley, I love you.”

She could not believe her ears. Even after he saw everything, he still loved her? More tears rolled silently down her cheeks as he went on touching each and every scar and confessing his love for her with each tally mark that she had made.

Don’t talk, listen
Hold me tighter
Stay with me just for awhile
Until the sun shines stay with me
Just give me one more day


She collapsed into his arms and cried. Harry brushed her copper strands away from her face and kissed her gently on the forehead. They stayed there in that position for what seemed like forever. But every moment that she was safe in his embrace was a moment that erased part of the guilt she felt, part of the worthlessness that she carried with her.

“Oi, Harry, are you coming back down before we celebrate your fiftieth birthday, mate?”

Ron’s voice had startled both of them, and they stood up in a hurry. Harry walked over to the stairs and shouted back down to Ron. “Yeah, Ron, I’ll be right down. Don’t get your knickers in a twist!”

“Hey! That’s not funny, Harry!” Harry and Ginny both giggled. They could picture Ron’s reddening face.
“And hey, Harry!” Ron called up the stairs.
“Yeah, Ron?”
“If you see Ginny anywhere, tell her to get back downstairs. Mum’s been wondering where she ran off to.”
“Allright, Ron. I’ll be down in a minute.”

Harry looked at Ginny and gave her another peck on the forehead. “Ginny, you are beautiful, and nothing can ever change that. I’m sorry that I never said anything before. It just seemed like you were avoiding me like the plague.”

“Well, to tell you the truth, Harry, I didn’t think I deserved you.”

“Never, ever, think that again, Ginny. I’m the lucky one, to have you be a part of my life. Listen, I know that you’re not perfect, and neither am I. We both have some demons to deal with. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not fight them alone. What do you say, Gin. Can we help each other survive? Would you be mine?”

Ginny blinked the last tears from her eyes. He actually wanted to help her shoulder this burden? She loved this boy more than she ever had before. “Of course, Harry. I love you.”

Harry grinned from ear to ear. “Well, Ginny, I feel I must say thank you, then.”

“For what?”

“For the best birthday present a boy could ever ask for. What do you say, shall we go back down now?”

“In a minute, just let me clean my face off, or I’ll never hear the end of it from Mum. You go on ahead, I’ll be right down.”

Harry smiled, and Ginny return his smile. Only this time, her smile was real. Harry turned to go back down the stairs, and Ginny stepped back into the bathroom.

She gave the mirror one last look, and this time she gazed directly into the eyes of her reflection.

Who are you that lies when you stare in my face
Telling me that I’m just a trace
Of the person I once was
Because we’re not the same
You’re just a picture of me
You’ve gone as soon as I leave
You’ve lived my life for me
And you’re no more than a piece of glass
You’re no more than just a piece of glass


She turned and walked away, feeling for the first time in her life victorious over the demons that had plagued her since she was young.


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A/N: So...comments are always good. Unless they are flames. Then they are not appreciated. But please, let me know what you think!
Reviews 9
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