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We Had to Start Somewhere | ||||||
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Category: Post-OotP Characters:Draco Malfoy, Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Minerva McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Ron Weasley Genres: Comedy, Drama, Fluff, General, Humor Warnings: Death Rating: PG-13 Reviews: 314 Summary: Some believe in love at first sight, but for Harry and Ginny first sight happened years ago and they're far from enamored. It seems they will have to settle for the gradual kind, the kind that drives us all mad but makes sense - in the end. Hitcount: Story Total: 84344; Chapter Total: 6014 |
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Part Ten “I thought you’d left,” Harry said, his mouth dry. “Clearly, I haven’t,” Ginny said in that same cold voice. Hermione looked quickly back and forth between the two, alarm in her eyes. “Harry, I’m sorry,” she whispered fiercely. “I didn’t see her-” “Yeah, we’d hate for Ginny to overhear private conversations,” Ginny interrupted, standing up from the sofa. “Maybe it’d be best if Ginny left you alone to work things out.” Harry could hear Hermione’s apologies at the back of his mind, but his thoughts — his panicked, racing too quickly for the proper words thoughts — were too loud to hear her clearly. Only one thing was clear: he couldn’t let her leave. Not like this. “Ginny stop,” Harry said firmly as he could when she placed her hand on the doorknob. “Sit down.” Ginny set her mouth in a scowl. “Give me one good reason.” “Because I waited for you,” Harry answered. He held his breath as she dropped her gaze from his, moving it to Hermione and then to the floor before finally letting go of the doorknob. When she moved back to the sofa and sat down, he inhaled slowly and turned to Hermione. “We’ll talk later.” “But-” Hermione began to protest, motioning towards the book she’d brought. “Later,” Harry repeated, his tone brooking no opposition. Hermione gave him one last, guilty glance before nodding and tucking the book into her arms. She looked as if she were about to say something to Ginny before deciding otherwise; moments later, the door shut softly behind her and Harry was left alone with Ginny. Harry breathed deeply, his cheeks puffing out as he tried to figure out what to do. But even as he was thinking about it, his feet were already moving and soon he was by the sofa. He dropped down heavily, landing on one side, far from where Ginny was perched on the other end. Setting his elbows on his knees, Harry dropped his face in his hands. “How long have you known?” Ginny asked in a hollow sort of voice. He couldn’t bear to look at her, but Harry could imagine her face simply from her words: hurt, confused, defensive. “Since June,” he answered roughly. She swallowed audibly, “Was I right? About the pensieve?” “Yes,” Harry confirmed, trying his best to speak around the lump in his throat. This is not how he’d wanted her to find out — he didn’t even if he’d wanted her to know at all and it was much, much too late. “Dumbledore was the witness. He told me the night after we returned from the Ministry.” “Then you told Hermione and Ron, too, I suppose,” Ginny replied, her voice sounding slightly accusatory again. Harry cringed but relented, “I told Ron during the summer and Hermione when we returned to school, but no one else knows.” “Meaning you didn’t tell me,” Ginny corrected him, pushing away from the sofa. She walked a short distance, before turning on him. “Were you ever going to?” When he finally lifted his eyes to her, Harry instantly wished he hadn’t. Her face could only be described as that of one who was absolutely betrayed and suddenly Harry felt very much like crying. He’d hurt her through this more than the words they’d exchanged only minutes before and that… he was ashamed of that, too. “Don’t you think I would have wanted to help?” Ginny asked, raising her hand to her chest, clearly trying hard to not let her voice break. “Helped you look for spells like Hermione or just been there for you like Ron?” Harry pressed his lips together tightly before saying, “It was different with you.” “How dare you? How dare you get onto me about keeping things from people when you’ve known about this for months?” Her voice had gone breathy and wavered, as if she were struggling for air. “You made me feel bad about not telling Dean things when you-” “I said it was different,” Harry interrupted her, feeling more than a little guarded. “I won’t say I’m sorry for saying what I did about Dean.” “Oh, we are far past that, Harry, so far past it I can’t even see it anymore,” Ginny spoke so fast, it was like the words blurred together. “What was it, then, huh? Do you not trust me? Am I not good enough? Did you think I wouldn’t take you seriously or am I just lacking in intelligence?” “Don’t start that,” Harry warned her. “I’m not going to deal with your insecure shite right now. You know what I think about that already.” Ginny’s eyes bulged slightly and Harry clenched his fists at his own stupidity. Back ramrod straight, Ginny retorted, “You know what? I don’t even want to know. Don’t even bother, because it’s obvious that this-” She gestured between the two of them “-is not what you want. And at this point, I don’t know if I want it, either.” “It’s not like that, Ginny,” Harry said abruptly. Her words, while said in a confusing manner, were clear enough to let him know that she intended to leave and probably never come back. Rooted to his seat, Harry continued, “This is bigger than you think-” “And yet you found it quite easy to keep it from me,” Ginny said haughtily. “Let me finish!” Harry shouted. He slammed one hand into the other, trying to make his point. “You don’t know how I’ve struggled over telling you, over when I would have done it or how. Damn it, I’m not going to lose you over this.” “Then why, Harry?” Ginny stopped and bit her lip, looking away from him, her brief flash of bravado gone. From her profile, he could see she was setting her face as firm as possible. When she turned back, she steadily asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?” “I don’t know,” Harry said hesitantly. He’d begged her to stay easily enough, but not that he actually had to explain, he was at a loss. “I… I couldn’t figure out, I can’t figure why-” “Don’t.” Ginny cut him off. “Don’t give me that shite, that whole ‘I don’t know’ business. Months, Harry, months you kept this from me. If you can’t figure it out, then you’ve reached a level of self-absorption I never thought possible.” The accusation couldn’t be clearer and Harry jumped out of his seat in his defense, “What do you want me to say? I can’t lie to you and I can’t explain it either. I’ve thought of telling you hundreds of times but every time, every time I had a chance to say it, something stopped me and it has been driving me mad!” Ginny cursed loudly and Harry winced. “Do you know what that makes me think, Harry? It makes me think that there a lot more things you’ve been hiding from me and that is not what I need in my life. I’ve got six brothers already — all of them willing to hide me in a corner when that’s the last place I want to be — and I do not need that from anyone else!” “So is that it? You’re just going to toss me because I kept something from you?” Harry retorted. “That’ll make everything better, will it? You already started doing it once, what will stop you from finishing the job?” “I just want to know where I stand!” Ginny yelled back. “You should already know that!” Harry bellowed. Her face was as red as he’d ever seen it and Harry was sure that her temper more than matched it — just like his own. “What if I don’t? Damn it, Harry, just tell me!” “With me!” Harry shouted. “You stand right by me, Ginny!” Ginny reeled back as if she had been struck. “You’re special to me, okay? You’re mine and no one else’s! Is that what you want to hear?” Harry asked, his blood rushing in his veins. Heart thumping wildly, Harry grabbed at his forehead and said, “You’re different from Ron and you’re different from Hermione. You made it that way from the very beginning and you can’t blame me for trying to keep something in my life normal.” The words were falling out of his mouth as quickly as he could think them up and Harry knew that each and every one of them was absolutely true. It horrified and exhilarated him to finally have his reasons behind one of his blindest decisions and they refused to be held back. Ginny, struck dumb, only stared at him as he continued yelling his answers. “I’ve got enough shite in my life and I wanted one friend, one friendship that wasn’t touched by Voldemort,” Harry spat out. “Something only for myself and no one else. If that’s selfish, then fine, it’s selfish, but you cannot blame me for trying to keep you the one person in my life that he hasn’t touched because of the prophecy. “He took my parents.” Harry grit his teeth even harder now. “He took Cedric and then he took Sirius, all because of the prophecy. My not telling you doesn’t mean that I doubt your powers or anything else about you. I know you can fight, I’ve seen you and I wasn’t trying to protect you. But this — you — and what you mean to me… it was so…” Harry trailed off. All those times he spent alone with her seemed so clear now and he couldn’t ignore them for what it was. It just wasn’t possible. “It was clean and it was new and it was mine. Mine alone. And if I told you about the prophecy then it couldn’t be as simple and I wanted that for as long as possible. Everyone else who knows looks at me and they know what I have to do. They see Harry Potter, the stupid boy with the stupid scar who’s going to have to kill someone if he wants to live a life of his own.” He couldn’t look her in the eye as he said it, he simply couldn’t. It hadn’t hurt this much when he’d told Ron; he hadn’t been this scared when Hermione had found out, but now… he was terrified. The thought of Ginny’s reaction absolutely terrified Harry. Harry stayed turned and he forced himself to continue, “That’s what it says, Ginny. He and I — we can’t exist at the same time for much longer. So I’ll either be a murderer or I’ll be dead, there’s no other way around it. It’s all on me — all of it. I have to live with the fact that only I can kill him and I’ll have to do that if I want to survive.” Voice gone shaky, Harry struggled to finish. “But you look at me and it’s gone; with you, it was gone for just a little while. With you… I feel better because those are the only times that I’m ever free of him. That-that’s why I didn’t tell you.” He finished softly and Harry stayed with his back to her so he could gather himself together. His eyes were stinging wildly and he shoved his glasses aside to rub at them. Breathing deeply, he dropped his hands and wondered what else he could possibly say; he wasn’t sure he would be able to go on anyway as his energy was completely spent. The room had gone eerily silent but for the roaring in his head that had yet to cool down. His unease began to grow greater than his exhaustion and Harry knew it was because Ginny had yet to speak a word. He had to turn; he had to see her reaction. What he saw astonished him. Ginny stood frozen in place, her eyes riveted on him and her face gone pale. She looked, for lack of a better word, frightened. Harry roughly swallowed the lump in his throat. “Ginny.” Hearing her name on his lips seemed break Ginny out the daze. Shaking her head slightly, she opened her mouth once and then closed it. Harry stared at her as she attempted to speak a second time before finally succeeding on the third. “Don’t -” Ginny closed her eyes and opened them slowly. “Don’t ever try to control this again, Harry. And I won’t either. It’s become clear we don’t work that way.” Harry blinked in surprise. This was not what he’d expected to hear her say back. “I need… to think,” Ginny said in a low tone. “But, just… I know what you mean and I understand why you did it, but please…” She trailed off, breaking her gaze from his and looking at the door. Ginny started moving towards it as if she wasn’t aware of her actions. When it became clear that she had no more to say, Harry called out, “Ginny-.” Nearly out the door now, her voice was even quieter than before, Ginny said, “I’m not angry. Can I just have… I need a little time. I just — I need to think.” She was asking his permission this time, but it was nowhere near making him feel better. Unable to speak, he only nodded. Ginny gave him a grateful look and mouthed, ‘Thank you’. She was gone before he could stop her. Ginny ’s necessary ‘thinking’ time turned out to be a few days in measure and Harry found out exactly how miserable one could be within Hogwart’s walls. If he’d thought it was bad enough the first time, this had to be a hundred times worse. It made no sense — Ginny had said she wasn’t angry and she wasn’t one to say something she didn’t mean, but ever since their confrontation he’d hardly caught sight of her. Hermione’s apologies were barely heard and it was obvious that Ron was concerned, but there was nothing Harry could say. He was tempted once or twice (maybe more) to use the mirror to contact her, but even Harry knew that would be of no use. The few times he saw her, Ginny seemed to have retreated within herself; even Dean looked at a loss for an explanation. Harry had no idea what to tell him — he could barely imagine what it would be like to approach the other boy with information about the row and confess his small part in it. Despite Hermione’s insistence, Harry decided to put aside the research of the prophecy for a short time. He couldn’t handle it just yet and there was no way he’d be able to focus; he did consent, however, that she take the spell and discuss it with their headmaster until he was prepared to deal with it. Then again, Harry wasn’t sure when he would ever be able to face it. The first time he and Ginny came face-to-face was four days after the infamous confrontation; Quidditch practice had come to a close and Harry was waiting for Ron outside the locker rooms (he wouldn’t have admitted he was hoping for a glimpse of his other red-haired teammate). Lost in his thoughts, however, it wasn’t until he felt a slight tapping on his shoulder that he realized he wasn’t alone. “Hey,” Ginny said softly, brushing some hair back behind her ear. “Hey,” Harry echoed, surprised to see her. After hemming and hawing for a moment, she asked, “Are you all right?” “Been better,” Harry admitted, leaning against the locker room doorway. “Me, too.” Silence fell between them and Harry bit back a sigh. After some effort, Ginny hesitantly said, “I think we have a lot to talk about. I mean, if it’s all right with you.” “Of course it’s all right with me,” Harry said quietly. “It always has been.” “It’s just not always easy,” Ginny murmured. Harry couldn’t help but nod and adjust himself against the doorjamb so that he could see her clearly in the dark evening. Looking at her again, he found he couldn’t interpret the expression on her face this time as it seemed a mixture of so many emotions and she was trying her hardest to mask them all. “Um, Dean, he asked me to meet him after practice again, so I have to go.” “Oh?” “Yeah, he’s probably going to ask me to the Ball,” Ginny explained, but in a tone of voice as if she wasn’t sure why she was explaining at all. At Harry’s puzzled look, she added, “You know, the New Year’s Ball Dumbledore announce this morning?” Harry shrugged and shook his head, “Skipped breakfast.” “Right,” Ginny replied uncertainly. Catching her own tone, she brightened in a very false sort of way. “Well, you know Dean, he probably wants to ask me instead of just expecting we’ll go together.” He gave her a careful look. “Ginny, are you okay?” “Tomorrow after classes,” she said, instead of answering his question. “In our old room?” “Tomorrow,” Harry agreed, though his stomach was twisting at how oddly she was acting. Ginny didn’t say anything back and he stuffed his hands in his pockets as she walked away, wondering what in the world had made her so anxious. Well, besides the obvious. Moments after she was out of sight, Ron cracked open the door behind him and asked, “Safe to come out yet?” “No bloodshed, if that’s what you’re asking,” Harry said over his shoulder. “Sorry,” Ron said with the proper amount of sheepishness. “I thought you wouldn’t want the interruption.” “It’s okay,” Harry said lowly. Ron came out fully and they began walking back to Hogwarts, their steps easy and slow. “So there’s a Ball for New Year’s?” “Yeah,” Ron replied. “I already asked Hermione. Looks like I’ll finally be able to use the dress robes the twins bought me; I’m lucky the blighters got them a couple sizes too big or else they wouldn’t fit at all.” “Sounds like fun,” Harry said vaguely, staring in the direction Ginny had left in. This did not pass Ron’s attention, but he was slow to say, “Harry, about Ginny…” He should have expected something like this and Harry found he didn’t even have the energy to roll his eyes. Hell, he didn’t know if he would have done it if the energy was there. “Yeah, Ron?” he asked in a quite tired sort of tone. “I swear, Harry, I’ll leave it alone,” Ron assured him urgently. He grabbed Harry’s forearm and stopped him just beyond the lights of Hogwarts. “I’ll leave it alone if you tell me right now that there’s nothing between you and my sister. But I’m asking, not as her brother, but as your mate: are you really just friends? Because I’ve never seen either of you like this and Hermione hasn’t either and… we’re worried.” Harry bit his lip and looked away from his friend’s earnest expression. Finally, shaking his head and his arm from Ron’s grasp, he answered, “Don’t ask me that right now, okay, Ron? Just don’t.” He started walking again, but he couldn’t shut out Ron’s curious tone as he asked, “Why? Why can’t I ask?” Harry spun as he was walking to face his friend and tried not to show him every single clashing emotion in his body. “Because I don’t know the answer, Ron. Not anymore.” Though the showers in the locker rooms were more than adequate for the team’s needs, Harry found himself standing under the water spout for the sixth year boy’s dorm not long after he and Ron had ended their conversation. Eyes closed, he viciously scrubbed at his head, as if the work of his hands was going to disentangle everything that was going on in there. It wasn’t helping. After his hair was extra clean — and for once laying flat on his head — Harry set his forehead against one of the stall walls. His fingers traced the rivulets of water that had condensed on the cool wall, but he didn’t pay them any mind as he considered how he’d answered Ron’s concerned question. He really didn’t know anymore. There was no use denying that he and Ginny had hit a level in their relationship that absolutely refused to be named. And it didn’t help that Harry had yet to decipher what his feelings were now that he knew how much he truly cared about her. It was deep, he confessed silently, deeper than he thought possible for anyone. The thought of losing her scared him to death, that much was true; but where was he supposed to keep her in his life? Right now, it was as if his entire body was numb and it just didn’t fit with the feelings he thought were associated with fancying a girl. And how could he declare feelings he didn’t feel to a girl who already had so many things on her mind? He felt like punching the wall, but instead laid his palms flat against it. Over four months, he counted slowly, since they’d first started this thing they had; she’d been dating Dean almost as long as that. Dean. He couldn’t do that to Dean, either. He was a good sort of bloke, Ginny had said so and Harry knew it was true. There was absolutely no reason for Harry’s confusion to making Ginny’s life more complicated and Dean certainly didn’t deserve it either. He felt guilty just for thinking about Ginny this way when there was another boy who cared about her just as much (maybe even more) and knew exactly where she stood in his life. In fact, he found himself envying the other boy for the knowledge. Sighing as he finally turned off the water, Harry toweled off and resolved that maybe he’d talk to Hermione about it. She was good with this sort of thing and, though it would likely be very embarrassing, maybe the end justified the means. And if he did go to her, he preferred to find her that evening instead of later; maybe then he wouldn’t feel so mixed up when he was supposed to see Ginny the next day. Yes, a trip to Hermione was in order, Harry decided. Heaven help him to keep his tongue from getting tied and face as red as Weasley hair when he did it. After pulling on some boxers and shoving on his glasses, Harry strolled out of the bathroom with his thoughts on how to approach his rather perceptive friend. He was so busy rubbing at his hair with a towel and idly scratching at his chest that he didn’t realize what he’d walked into. Ginny and Dean, standing at least a metre apart, looked at him with something akin to caution. Both of them stood with their arms crossed, as if trying to contain themselves — or protect themselves, Harry thought. “Hello,” he said uncertainly, letting the towel fall over his shoulder. “Um, I was about to go.” Ginny looked back at Dean, who looked away from her and stared intently at the hangings around his bed. She opened her mouth once to speak before shaking her head slowly and turning to Harry. “I was just leaving,” she said. “Don’t worry about it.” Harry couldn’t find anything to say back, his stomach rolling too much to allow him to speak. Something was wrong; very, very wrong. “I’ll see you later,” Ginny said quietly. She looked at Dean, who still wouldn’t face her. “I guess, um, I’ll see you later, too, Dean.” He nodded slightly and set his jaw. Seeing this, Ginny’s face crumpled slightly, but turned before Harry could see it go completely. Making haste, she strode quickly from their dorm room, her footsteps drifting away on the stairs. Harry stared after her for probably the millionth time that night. Dean still hadn’t moved, but it didn’t take much for Harry to figure out exactly what had happened. “Dean,” Harry said in what was close to a growl, causing Dean’s face to snap in his direction. “What did you do?” For a second, Dean looked as if he might reply before scoffing to himself and shaking his head at Harry. Then, without a word, he pulled back the hangings on his bed and sat on the mattress, his face averted from his dorm mate. While Harry was very tempted to go over and shake the truth out of him, his thoughts immediately went back to the way Ginny’s face- He didn’t even need to finish the thought. Instead, Harry tore into his trunk, pulling out a pair of trousers, an old tee shirt and socks. Dressing rapidly, he spared a glare in Dean’s direction as he shoved his feet into a pair of trainers and picked up his wand. In less than a minute, he was ready to go and heading for the door. But just as he was about to leave in search of one very injured friend, he looked back and saw Dean staring after him. “You,” he said, pointing in Dean’s direction, “had better start thinking of your best defensive spells. Believe me, you’re going to need them.” With that, Harry ran out the door and down the stairs, hoping Ginny hadn’t gotten far. A/N: He may be confused, but Harry’s there for his friends when they need him, damn it! And, yes, that was the break up all of you were waiting for. Happy? Please keep one huge thing in mind: Harry has been and will remain the POV from which this story is told — and Harry has proven to be an unreliable narrator in J.K. Rowling’s books. He will remain so in this story. Don’t get mad at Ginny if you don’t understand her intentions or actions; since Harry doesn’t understand them either, we’ll have to wait until she makes it clear to him. I’m completely loving your reviews and appreciating your constructive criticism; by all means, carry on. :D Thanks! |
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